Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? (4 page)

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“C
ommunication is the key to any successful relationship.” This is the claim of many therapists and marriage counselors. The cheating man absolutely agrees with this theory, particularly where communicating with the other woman is concerned. Some men have elevated this phase of cheating to an art form. While others are so stupid you suspect their wives and girlfriends are deaf, dumb, and blind. Regardless of what the man’s level of sophistication is, the technology of today has made it simple to make a lust connection. One innovation that has revolutionized infidelity is texting. For the cheating man this was the best invention since the TV remote control. And you know how big a deal that was! Texting on your cell phone is one of the easiest ways to stay in touch with a mistress without having the phone ring, but it’s also the most frequent way men get busted. If a woman suspects her man of cheating, the first thing she’s going to do is check his cell phone. And if he suddenly puts a security lock on it, he’s automatically guilty. Not just because he locked his phone, but also because he never locked his phone in the past!

Inconsistency in behavior is a dead giveaway that a man is stepping out. And most men, no matter how slick they think they are, will become inconsistent in one way or another, whether it’s inconsistency with his time, sexually, or temperament. Cathy from New York said she knew when her husband was cheating because he would suddenly become argumentative. “The minute he started picking fights over little things like laundry and me not answering my phone at a certain time, I knew another women was in his life.” In her case, her husband’s temperament changed and he became inconsistent. There had to be a better way, enter Facebook!

Currently, I have over 500,000 friends on Baisdenlive on Facebook, and 50,000 friends on Baisdenlive on Twitter, the vast majority of them are women. Now, given the fact that I use these social networks to promote the topics on my national radio show every day, it’s obvious why I use it regularly. Not to mention, I’m a single heterosexual man who loves the contact with all my beautiful, intelligent, and single women, let’s keep it real!

But why would a married man be on Facebook and Twitter beyond chatting with close friends and family? I’ve been told by many of my single female friends on Facebook that they get hit on by more married men then single men. The married guys also list their status as married, and they post pictures of themselves and their wives. Is that bold or what? This is another example of how out of control and disrespectful men have become towards their significant other. It’s also a reflection of how desperate they perceive single women to be. Larry, who is a married 38-year-old teacher in New Jersey, made his point crystal clear. “Why should I hide the fact that I’m married? That’s just one less lie to tell when we hook up. If she takes the bait with the understanding that I have a wife and kids, she’s accepting that it’s all about having sex, period!”

I recently did a show titled, “Does Facebook cause divorce?” It was based on a study done by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In it, they stated that an overwhelming number of the nation’s top divorce attorneys said that over the past five years they have seen an increase in the number of cases where cheating using social networks has been used as evidence.

Mark, who is 42 years old and lives in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, is one of those statistics. After six years of marriage, he was on his way to divorce court, all because of one click of a button on a social networking site. Casual chatting turned into flirtation, flirtation into texting, texting into phone calls, and phone calls into hooking up. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming Facebook, no more than I would blame my social networking site
Minglecity.com
. But sites like these do allow people to have access to millions of single, lonely, and sometimes desperate people, and it can all be done anonymously. And because the communication is lacking in most relationships, it’s easy to understand how people can get lost in these fantasy relationships rather than deal with the reality of their own situation and try to work things out! Mark learned the consequences of flirting on line the hard way! I call this story “Poke me!”

I joined Facebook towards the end of the year; I remember because it was right before Thanksgiving Day. I loaded all my information and photos into my albums and send out a friend request to all my Frat brothers, close friends and family. The first time I had any contact from Kyla was on January second. My wife was visiting her family in Miami and I was home alone working on a graphic project on my computer. Right before I powered down I logged onto my Facebook account to see if I had any messages. That’s when I noticed that Kyla had poked me. If you’re not familiar with Facebook, poking is a feature that let’s you know someone noticed you; it’s like saying hello. Now, keep in mind, my relationship status on my profile read “Married to Kimberly” and there was a photo of my wife and me posted as my main picture. It was the one of us in Cancun; I had on my black swim trucks flexing my muscles and she had on a one-piece bathing suit. Ever since our son was born five years ago she was self-conscious about her stretch marks, not to mention, she never did lose the weight around her stomach.

Anyway, out of fun, I poked her back and send her a friend request. She accepted. Shortly after that, I sent her a short and cordial message.

“Thanks for accepting my friend request, have a happy new year!”

Mark

Then I turned my computer off. Early the next morning I started back to work and noticed there was a message from Kyla. It read:

Thanks for the Happy New Year shout out! I’m already headed to the gym while my lazy friends are still getting over their hangovers. Another year, another challenge!

Chat with you later
.

Kyla

This time I went to her profile page. Her main photo was of a waterfall so I had no idea of what she looked like. When I clicked on her profile photos, my first reaction was, “Damn!” She was gorgeous!

She had short hair and cinnamon brown skin. It was obvious from her pictures that she was into fitness; she posted several photos of herself working out in the gym. Her abs and legs muscles were toned and her ass was round and tight. My dick instantly got hard.

At that point, I knew I was in trouble. I should have clicked the unfriend button and blocked her right then and there, but instead I decided to flirt. I tiptoed back into the bedroom to make sure my wife was still asleep. Once I was sure she was knocked out, I started typing.

Good morning sexy, thanks again for the poke and accepting my friend request. I wanted to tell you how impressed I am with your commitment to taking care of your body. I work out myself. Maybe we can exchange health tips from time to time
.

Have a great day!

Mark

There was nothing innocent about my message, I was trying to be cordial hoping she would take the bait. Not that I was expecting to have sex with her, but I wanted to at least start a dialogue. Later that day after my wife and I came back from shopping, I rushed to put away the groceries so I could check to see if I had any messages from Kyla. My wife went straight to the bedroom and tuned into her reality TV show. She knew I hated those programs so she was accustomed to me going to my office and closing the door. “Perfect!” I was thinking.

Sure enough when I logged on to my Facebook account, Kyla had left another message.

Well, hello Mark, and thanks for the compliment. I work out 4 to 5 days a week at a gym on Alton Rd. in South Beach. You and your wife should come down and join me sometimes. I noticed you’re in pretty good shape yourself. It’s all about diet and discipline, right? Hope to hear from you soon!

Toodles!

Kyla

Why did she have to mention my wife, I thought to myself. But I looked past that and was glad she was leaving the lines of communication open. I thought about keeping it cordial, but I figured, what the hell, she knows I’m married, so why not go for it! All she could do was say no, and I would go back to living my life. I took a deep breath and started typing.

Just name the time and place, I’ll be there! I work from home not too far from you in Coral Gables so my schedule is flexible. Not sure if my wife can make it, she’s not really into working out. You know how some black women are about sweating their hair out! lol

I’m looking forward to throwing some weights up with you soon! Have a great day!

Mark

In hindsight, that was the e-mail that stepped over the line. Not only had I indirectly made a date to meet this woman, I was dogging out my wife by saying she was lazy and out of shape. But like so many men, my little head was doing all thinking so I pressed the send button. Kyla’s response came within ten minutes.

Mark, are you being naughty? lol The invitation was for you and your wife. But I kinda figured she was not a regular in the gym when I saw your profile picture. You were buffed and she was clearly not in shape. I never understand why black women let themselves go once they get a man. Each time I go, the gym is full of White and Latino women working out to keep it tight. I guess some people just get comfortable, right?

Let’s meet up tomorrow morning around 10, the 9 to 5ers will be gone by then and we can have the gym to ourselves and really work up a sweat! (smile) Text me your cell number and I’ll text you the directions. See you then Marky!

Kyla

These are the moments that every married man knows is the proverbial “crossing the line” moment. First of all she asked for my cell phone number. “Big mistake!” I was thinking. But I sent it anyway. Secondly, she added to my negative comments about my wife being out of shape. Another red flag, but I ignored it! And lastly, she clearly made a conscious effort to reach out to me based on my swim trunk photo showing off my biceps. Stalker tendency and home wrecker was written all over that one! But like so many other bored and horny married men, I took the bait. Of course, I justified it by saying to myself, “We’re just going to work out.” Yeah right! I was already fantasizing about fucking her against the Stairmaster.

Once my wife was off to work, I packed up my workout gear and dropped my son off at pre-school. In the six years of my marriage I had never cheated. As I merged onto I-95 North I was nervous and excited by what might happen. Let’s face it; married life can be very mundane. Every day it’s the same routine, breakfast, work, drop off kids, pick up kids, do homework or play time, eat dinner, watch Reality TV, no sex, and go to sleep. Kyla was right about my wife getting comfortable; there was no excuse for her still being out of shape five years after our son was born. The local gym was less than five blocks away. I offered to pay for her membership and a personal trainer but she always had an excuse. She was either tired, had dinner plans with her girlfriends, or she had just got her hair done. Kyla was right about that too; too many women, especially black women, put their hair before their health. I still was in love with my wife but the handwriting was on the wall; she was never going to lift a dumbbell or go to a spin class. At least that’s what I told myself as I pulled into the parking lot of the gym. I had to find some way to justify what I was doing.

The gym was practically empty when I walked in; there were two muscle bound guys bench-pressing in the free weight area and a woman jogging on the treadmill. Suddenly, Kyla came rushing in the door behind me; sweat was dripping down her face and across her bare stomach. She had on a pair of running shorts and sports bra, which showed off her erect nipples.

“Hey Marky! You look exactly like your pictures,” she pressed herself against me tightly and hugged me around the neck like we had known each other for years. “Come on in, make yourself at home. I’m going to grab a quick shower and I’ll be right back.”

I took off the shirt I had over my wife beater and began to stretch. The gym was laid out perfectly for real bodybuilders, nothing but free weights and cardio machines. I was on my second set on the bench press machine when Kyla came out of the locker room. She stood over me to spot me as I added more weights to the bar.

“Don’t try to show off and hurt yourself!” she laughed.

“This is what I do everyday,” I told her. “So, you can just stand back so you don’t get hurt!”