Never Me (12 page)

“No, I chose this lifestyle and that’s a choice I make every day. I do it to myself. And let me remind you again that I am trying to change that and you are really not helping.” I rubbed myself over him, licking his ear, relocking my hands around his neck.

He took me off of his lap and brushed his lips across mine.

“I am not some victim!” I said, furious with him for making it seem so. I felt the lump in my throat and the pain of his rejection seared my flesh. Fuck this, all of this. Why the hell did this guy even care? Two days ago he was lifting my panties off in a bar.

“I can’t just do this with you… Not like this.”

“Oh, but it was fine when you were finger fucking me like crazy on the beach last night, or did you forget?”

“Jesus, Nadine, I have never wanted a woman so bad in my life. But let me make this clear, no matter how convenient this all is, you being the way you are and also that you are so beautiful and so fucking sexy, trust me my dick reminds me every five seconds, that doesn’t make it right. It’s there for me too, but there is always a choice to act on it.”

“So you don’t want me now? Why? Because I’m a poor pathetic whore? A slut, beat up?”

“That’s just what you think and don’t put words in my mouth, Nadine. I think you are incredible.” He jumped out of the SUV, blocking me from doing the same as he turned to face me, pinning me to my seat.

“But pathetic. So we can’t have fun now, right?”

“That’s not it!” he said, pacing next to the truck while I glared at him.

I was defeated. I had no more to give. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “I haven’t told Rory that I can’t have… You know and it really doesn’t bother me, so if you could just do me a favor and keep that between us. I don’t know why I told you any of this. And I’m not lost on your comment that I’m fucked up. I know what I do is not the norm, but what happened didn’t scar me.

“Spencer, you are wrong. You need to accept the fact that some women consider the affection and flowers pointless. We are built differently. Call me the Grinch of love, buddy. My romantic heart is three sizes too small. If you can handle that, we can have some fun. But if you can’t, feel free to roam about the cabin. Ellie has eyes for you, ya know.

“I would truly love it if there were a reason I felt this way. I would totally love it. Maybe then I could relate more to other woman on some level, but I don’t. You see it as some sort of glitch in me. I see it as this is the way it is. It doesn’t bother me, don’t let it bother you. Now, can we please go inside and try to have some fun? This is absolute bullshit and you are pretty much a complete stranger and know way too much about me.”

“Maybe sometimes we need to bare our souls and see what we see in the eyes of strangers,” he said, reaching for me. I dodged him and retreated back into the seat, staring at my toes.

“You want to know what I see?”

“No.” I gave him a small smile as the terror crept up on me. I didn’t want to know what the man who had completely consumed my senses in a matter of days thought of me. He was talking himself out of an invitation. If it was any indication of his reaction to me right now, he thought I was a lost, stupid and pathetic slut. I had no way of ever convincing anyone I knew what I was doing when I seduced these men. I am a villain. I am a villain and I enjoy it. Or I did. It had only just lost its flavor recently. It didn’t mean my appetite was gone, it meant I was ready to move on. I was still guilty in every sense of the word. And the girl who had spent a lot of time and energy taking what didn’t belong to her and toying with it was still very much a part of me. I wondered then what the next step would be. How I would move on from my routine when I got home. Everyone wanted to see the good in me and here I was in a parking lot with an invitation having to explain myself for the second time. I was beginning to regret my decision to come. I looked at Spencer who surveyed me from head to toe.

“I see a girl who had her innocence ripped from her by trusting a total piece of shit she wanted to love and who got hurt and decided to heal herself the wrong way.”

“Nice. Jesus, are you done?”

“I see an insanely beautiful woman who wants to try again but is too afraid to admit it.”

“WRONG! Listen, baby, I’m all yours for as long as this trip lasts. You can do whatever you want with me and I won’t fall apart, I promise. Honestly, Spencer, it’s not in me to be that girl you think I am. I hate all of it. I don’t date. I have never been courted. I like sex. It’s that simple. I can also do without you calling me beautiful.”

“What the hell is wrong with calling you beautiful?”

“It’s not a blessing, Spencer, it’s a curse. I’ve been hated my whole life for looking the way I do. You think a beautiful woman doesn’t know she is beautiful? Well I have news for you, she totally does. Even the women who don’t flaunt it, they know. I can tell you half the time they don’t flaunt it because they have been punished for it, and by other women. It’s not a blessing at all. I would trade this face and body to be anyone else on any day to save the years of shit I had to deal with because of other woman and their eyes on me. I didn’t graduate early because I wanted to. I did it to avoid them.” Son of a bitch! I had to get out of here. This was way too much. Why didn’t I just tell him my blood type and middle name? Why oh why couldn’t I shut the hell up? I have never told ANYONE these things. I didn’t want his damn pity. I wanted sex and all I was doing was revealing myself to him— revealing way too damn much.

He pulled me to him and refused to speak until I met his eyes.

“I also see a woman who is starving for the right kind of attention, but would never know because she’s never had it.”

“And what about you? Why don’t you turn that finger inward?” I asked with a shaky breath.

“That’s for you to do. You are my stranger.” I looked to him and saw the look that only he gave me. It wasn’t filled with pity or sadness, just recognition.

“Don’t fall for it, Spencer. I’m not an innocent woman. You couldn’t live with the things I’ve done.”

“I’m doing just fine knowing what I do. I just can’t do this thing with you and be okay with it, Nadine.”

“What thing? We haven’t done anything and this is different,” I said, catching myself admitting too much. Again.

“It is, but I can do better.”

“Better?”

“Come on.” He lifted me out of the SUV and set me on the ground, keeping my eyes. “Let’s eat.” I could see his wheels turning and I let the conversation die as we joined them at the table and all eyes drifted to me. Great.

We spent the last leg of the trip quiet. We were all tired. Spencer placed his headphones on me and I looked at him puzzled. He smiled and took my magazine from my hands. He brushed a finger over my lips then roved his fingertips over my face, cupping my chin and tracing his thumbs along my cheek as the song started to play.

“I can do better,” he mouthed as the song filled my ears.

“What in the hell is this?” I laughed as he grabbed the MP3 player and gestured for me to just listen. I turned my head to look out at dusk through the trees. Jack picked that exact moment to let the window down as the song filled my senses. It was old. I knew that. I had to stifle a giggle or two when I began to listen, but soon I was completely immersed in the melody, the words. It was beautiful. I felt the breeze lift my hair and turned to Spencer as it flew all around me. It was amazing. Spencer was amazing. He knew how to fill my senses with a simple song. This man was so ... cool. I smiled at him and nodded my head and his eyes gave me that knowing look. I watched the sun peek through the trees as Van Morrison sang about the mystic. My heart began to beat faster as the song got more intense. I loved it. I instantly loved it. I didn’t know what intrigued me more about Spencer, the way he looked or the way he was. He had that … that… Whoever the hell this man was, I was so thankful he was the one sitting beside me in that moment.

It occurred to me that Spencer was being just as honest with me as I was with him. I shook my head as he slipped his hand in mine and he took it away. I kept my eyes out the window. We had said a lot today, but now I knew he had decided to share something else, another part of him. Music spoke volumes for him when he couldn’t and I secretly loved what he was saying.

It was nightfall when we arrived in New Orleans. We checked into the same hotel, this time getting three rooms so we could all sleep comfortably and Jack and Amy could have some much needed alone time. As far as the question lingering if Spencer and I would share a room and let Rory and Ellie have the other, we let it linger. The girls all dumped their luggage in the same room and got dressed together. Ellie insisted I try on a red dress she bought the previous day, saying it showed too much skin. I tried not to take it as an insult, seeing as how I had her height beaten by at least a few inches. It would be ridiculous on me, but as soon as the material sank on my skin and I looked in the mirror, I let the argument fall away.

“I knew it,” Ellie gasped as she motioned the girls to come look in the bathroom. It was made of silk and flowed perfectly around me. It hugged my every curve and was just long enough to go mid-thigh.

“She looks hot, nothing new,” Rory said, walking off uninterested.

“God, Nadine, you could be a model,” Amy said sweetly, peeking around Ellie to compliment me. It was the perfect dress to christen the Big Easy. I laughed at the thought. Maybe Spencer wouldn’t be able to resist me in this one.

“Thanks, Amy, Ellie. I love it. How much do I owe you?”

“A full confession when you get Spencer naked.” We gave each other a knowing smile and Amy blushed and walked away.

“Amy?”

“Yeah,” I heard her say as she rounded the corner, sticking her head back in the bathroom.

“Can I ask you something?”

Ellie winked at me and walked out of the bathroom, giving me alone time with Amy. I turned to her. She really was what I could only describe as a doll. Though she had Jacks pale skin and blonde hair, her lips were perfectly shaped and overly full. She looked like a blonde Snow White. Her hair was perfectly set around her face and she had a small dainty figure. Her skin was creamy and flawless. She would never know how jealous I was of the way she looked. She would never believe me.

“What is Spencer like at home?”

“The same, I guess. We don’t see him a lot. He takes care of his dad and barely has time to juggle the few cases he takes. Stressed, definitely more stressed back home. So you like him?”

“It’s obvious I do. I’m just not sure why.”

“Trust me, honey, he has blazed a trail across Philadelphia of women who ask themselves the same question. He was always beautiful. Always. Anywhere and everywhere we go they drop like flies and when they recover its total mayhem. I couldn’t help but overhear the talk the last couple of days. If you’re a girl who likes her fun, you have met one hell of a man to play with.”

“Wow, so he’s the whore of Philadelphia?”

“No, not anymore. He was. I think his age and his father and the fact that he hasn’t been able to start his practice have tamed him. Not in a good way, though. He could be doing so much more by now.”