Never Me (4 page)

We spent the first leg of our long drive talking about the things we wanted to do and screaming along to the best road tunes we could think of. As the GPS kept up with the miles we had left to travel, I let Rory get her sleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts as I drove into the night, with absolutely no view. Jace drifted through my mind just once.

I had nothing to worry about financially for the time being and that was a new feeling. I tried to focus on how I would start to put my degree to use and decided to make it first priority when I got home. No more minimum wage jobs. I had only two things my life revolved around: school and men. School was over, and the other, well… I tried to clear my head and live for the moment. In that moment, I was completely and utterly free of responsibility. Still, my mind drifted to the future I had not cemented, the uncertainty that would surely come when I returned home.

My mind drifted back to the number of men I had let have me over the last year.

Seventeen.

I was a whore who counted. Seventeen men. I hadn’t ever had a year this bad before. Last year’s count was eight. The year before six, and before that … before that … one. This was getting out of hand. I had no one to blame but myself. I spent more energy searching for my next lay than I worried about my future. Maybe I should just lay off this for a while, pun intended. Could I quit? Yes, yes I could. I was not addicted to sex. Was I?

I shook my head with disgust and quickly made peace with it. Guilt would not win this war; I was too excited to be where I was. As soon as we hit the Alabama state line I woke Rory up. We were close. The sun had been up for a few hours and I was exhausted.

“Pull over,” Rory piped, the excitement lighting up her face.

“What?”

“Pull over. I’m driving the rest of the way.”

I gave up the wheel willingly, and to my surprise, was woken up a few hours later by an amazing smell coming through the windows.

“What is that?”

“That’s the smell of the ocean, Nadine. Isn’t it amazing?”

“God, it’s so different, it’s…” I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, letting the air reach me. A small euphoric feeling hit me that I was close to something … big. The excitement ran through me and the lack of sleep dissipated, replaced with my new found excitement. I was on the very first adventure of my life.

“It’s so fucking sad you’re almost twenty years old and have never seen the ocean. What kind of life is that?”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” I answered dismissively, knowing it was a lie.

I had watched all my childhood friends pack for their family trips, seen the framed pictures of them at Disney World and other exotic places. I would continually ask my father to take me so I could have my own pictures, my own memories to boast about. He would always look at me with a solemn face and promise someday. Even though he wasn’t here today, he had kept his promise. Hadn’t he? I began to feel the flutter of excitement in my abdomen.

“It is a big deal, Nadine. Put this on. We’re close to Pensacola. I want you to see this beach first.” I took the sleep mask from her hand and put it over my eyes, laughing at her gesture. She loved me enough to do this for me. I wanted this to be special. I hoped I wasn’t making a big deal about nothing. The smell and the breeze became stronger and I could tell we were close. The car came to a stop suddenly and the adrenaline racing through me spiked.

Rory got me out of the car and took my shoes off. I heard the sound of what I could only assume were waves getting closer as my feet hit the sand. The sensation was amazing. I immediately wanted to take the mask off but Rory kept me from doing it. I heard her rustling with the camera as she steadied me with her hand and finally gave me permission to take it off. I was blinded by the sun first and shielded my eyes. Once they adjusted I inhaled sharply. The sand was a bright powdery white. I dug my heels further into it and examined my feet covered in it. The water was a mix of sparkling blue and green. I had never seen anything so beautiful. I heard the waves and felt myself start to sway to their rhythm as seagulls swooped overhead shrieking and diving through the air. I immediately felt moisture on my cheeks. I saw people surfing and holding onto kites as they whipped through the waves. My eyes drifted to movement in the sand near my feet and I saw a crab—a CRAB—scurry past me. I was in sensory overload and the only thing I could think was this was a big deal. THIS WAS A BIG DEAL! I ran.

I ran full speed into the ocean with my clothes on, not giving a damn what I looked like, not caring one shit what anyone thought. I had no fear as I ran full blast into an oncoming wave and felt the lukewarm water as it washed over me. I dove into wave after wave, turning back to wave at Rory who was laughing uncontrollably. I tasted the salt on my tongue as I ducked under a small wave and emerged laughing with glee. I felt the intensity of the waves as they knocked me off my feet and I landed square on my ass. Amazing, incredible, beautiful, profound. In that moment I felt an indescribable clarity, a sense that at that moment I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I turned to survey the vast expanse of water and stood in awe. I felt so small. I looked to my right to see a man staring at me oddly and I was so beside myself I started rambling.

“It’s my first time in the ocean. Isn’t it wonderful!” I cleared my eyes of the debris of hair and water and saw him surveying me. I had on my jeans, t-shirt and—oh shit—my purse was still wrapped around my opposite shoulder from the gas stop. He chuckled at my realization and I beamed at him, not giving a damn. I knew how insane I must have seemed and ran to the shore immediately, realizing I ruined my brand new tube of lipstick and that my wallet was soaked. It was worth it. I turned around to survey the sight one more time then ran to Rory, hugging her with a fierceness saved for those you love the most.

“Thank you. Thank you for making this a big deal.” I felt more tears coming and heard her griping at me to get my soaking wet ass off of her.

Turning back around for another glimpse of the ocean in all its splendor, I saw the same man who witnessed me in the water toweling himself off at a nearby beach chair, smirking as he pulled it over his legs. I hadn’t noticed in the water, but out he was way more appealing than I thought at first glance. Not going there, Nadine.

“God that looks good on you!” Rory said an octave louder than appropriate for the store we were in. I saw the heads of a snooty group of women turning to briefly look at us disapprovingly before carrying on with their task of judging others. I really couldn’t stand more than a handful of women in my life. Men were so easy going, less dramatic. I had my favorite bartender Kyle to talk to and visited him often. The banter was always fun, even when he had a stick up his ass. Rory was the ideal woman to be friends with and I immediately took offense when one of the women stared at her a little too long with distaste.

“You want to lose that eye, bitch?” I ground out, irritated, my limbs on fire, ready to pounce. The woman openly gasped, placing her hand on her chest and I could see the ‘well I have never’ in her face.

“Keep on staring. I’ll give you a two second head start.” I smiled wickedly as she scurried off. The boutique manager cleared her throat and approached us. She too seemed to have an issue with us in her store. I knew it was because of Rory with her pink streaked hair and wild misplaced tattoos. I had an exotic look from my Brazilian mother. It was the only thing I could thank her for. I stood 5’9” to Rory’s 5’5”. It was if we were playing out a scene from
Pretty Woman
and I was nipping that shit in the bud.

“We will take both of these,” I snapped as the manager approached and shoved my card in her hand. I had just bought the most expensive fucking bikini ever. Rory looked so happy in hers, I doubled my order.

“Nadine, you don’t have to buy mine. It was just for fun.”

“Rory, you and I both know these bitches probably don’t deserve their luck. We deserve this. This is our time.”

“It’s me and you know it. You look like an exotic Julia Roberts, but prettier. I look like a stripper.”

“Rory, you won’t always be a stripper and screw them and what they were thinking. Honestly, if you don’t know how beautiful you are, I can’t help you.”

“Enough with this mushy shit. Let’s go sport these,” she said, eyeing herself in the mirror proudly.

“Can’t really do that now, babe.” I nodded to the window as the sun started to make its decent. The manager came back with my card and a bag. I gave myself one last glance. It did fit perfectly. It was a deep red bikini that complemented my olive skin and barely held my boobs together with a straining metal clasps that matched the ones on the hips of the bottom. It fit my curves perfectly. It may damn well have been worth the price. I smiled and snatched the bag from the rude store manager who was still eyeing me.

“Really? It’s 2005 lady. The fucking world is eclectic. Get a clue.”

“Pardon?”

“Look, I understand you have to kiss the ass of the snobs who keep this place open, but why ruin a girls day by making her feel like shit for being in your boutique? The sign up front says open, does it not?”

The woman stood back, mouth gaping as onlookers watched me berate her. “Yes, it does,” she said quietly.

“Not private boutique for judgmental rich bitches only?”

“Ma’am, I must ask you to tone it down.”

“That’s not on the sign, either. Don’t worry, precious, we’re leaving, and you can go back to burying your head in the sand,” I continued as I stepped inside the dressing room and smirked at Rory’s full blown belly laugh.

“Fuck’s sake, Nadine, nobody did anything to you. When you figure out what you want to do with that degree of yours, you’re going to have to tone it down.”

“I hate women, Rory, I do. It’s like I know what they’re thinking when they look at me.”

“Um, Nadine, maybe because you screw their boyfriends when they turn their head … idiot,” she called, egging me on as I zipped up my jeans.

I laughed despite myself. “Well they deserve it.”

“Who?” We emerged from our rooms at the same time and she met my eyes.

“I see how they treat their men. It’s wrong. It’s as if they could care less about them.”

“Them or your mother?”

“No, not you too. Don’t try and shrink me, Rory. I’m well aware I hate my mother.”

“And you hate women because?”

“I hate my mother. There, I paid you in a bikini. I’m cured. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

“As long as you know, Nadine. They aren’t all bad.”

“I don’t need them. I have you.”

“Good enough for me, money bags.”

“You loved me when I was poor, too.”

“Yeah, but I love you more now.” She smiled as I gave the love finger to the manager before we exited.

“Jesus, for a smart girl, you act like an idiot sometimes.”

“I’m nineteen for one more week. I have time left to rebel.”

“Nadine, something is up with you,” she said, giving me a pensive look as we walked to the car.

“Maybe I’m just tired of the world shitting on me.”

“I’m twenty-three and you’re nineteen. I think I can tell you it gets worse.” She rolled her eyes at me as she faced me over the car hood. I opened my door, happy to have done what I did in that store, even though I knew trying to act my age was pointless. I was way beyond my years, even at sixteen. I had conducted myself as an adult for as long as I could remember. I deserved a rebellious moment or two before civility was expected of me at all times.

“Bring it,” I said with a devilish smile on my face. I turned to the store and saw the manager peering out the window. I narrowed my eyes and shook my head and repeated, “Bring it.”