My Guardian Angel (19 page)

Finally Changing

I finally reached home. My beautiful brownstone, which I had renovated to my liking no longer, looked the same. I gazed out of Darios’ car and looked at what used to be my safe haven. My reality was shattered that night. I realized that anyone, no matter how hard I tried to keep myself safe, could come into my world and dismantle all that I held dear. There I sat understanding that in the end it was up to me to take back what was mine. No longer could I hide away from the disturbing night I shared with Jason. Nor could I simply ignore what had happened to me. I had to gather my strength, take back what I had lost, and gain a new sense of me.

“WELCOME HOME!” All three girls screamed at the top of their lungs.

Tara ran to me and hugged me tightly. I flinched a little, my ribs still feeling sore.

“Sorry
,” she said making a face. “Did I hurt you?” she asked, stepping away from me.

“No, I'm fine.”
I smiled.

“Of course she is, she’s my sister
,” Darios yelled from behind me.

“
Oh, shut up, Darios,” Tiff said, dismissing him as she hugged me gently.

“Look at our tough little cookie.
Fuckin’ bitch, if anything would have happened to you… I swear,” Genna warned as she smiled at me.

“What? I don‘t get a hug?” I asked only to annoy her.

“No. Now get your ass in the house so we can eat this awesome food Tiff made.” Genna took my hand and pulled. She held it, squeezed it, and looked over to me when no one else was looking.

“Bitch.” She smiled.

“Right back at you, bitch
,” I retorted and held on tighter.

“Did you make lasagna?
‘Cause it’s Kass’ favorite,” Darios remarked. I knew my brother, the fucker was fishing. It was his favorite, too.

“I made it and everything else you asked
for, you ass,” Tiff said irritated.

This was new.
She usually was caring and attentive to him. I watched them closely. Something was up and I was totally going to ask Darios later.

“Did you call Jason?” I asked, as I sat down at the table getting myself a plate to eat.

All four of them averted their eyes. Each was giving the others looks and all were trying to avoid me, which aggravated me to no end.

“Either someone speak or I will start kicking people out
,” I warned.

Genna sat next to me and smiled, but said nothing.
Tara walked over to the kitchen in the guise of getting herself a glass of water, which, by the way, there were bottles of water on the table. Tiff acted like she was helping my friend, as if Tara had never been in my home before. I narrowed my gaze to Darios, who was scratching the back of his head.

“Well?”
I waited.

“Look
, kiddo,” He only ever used that endearment when he was uncomfortable with something.

“Just spit it out
, Dar,” I huffed.

“Jason said that yesterday was the last day he’d see you
,” Darios murmured.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.” I began to grow irate.

“Look, kiddo that was Jason’s decision. He said he had to let you go.” Darios took my hand and held it.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Jason said he wouldn’t leave me
,” I snapped.

“I don’t know
, kiddo. That’s all he said to me,” Darios said softly.

“Fuck
,” I bit out. “Hand me my fuckin’ phone.”

Genna ran to my bag
, found my phone and handed it to me. I clicked on his number and waited. It rang. It rang a lot, but only his voicemail picked up. I hung up and tried again, but nothing. I took a deep breath. If he thought he could just walk out of my life after everything we went through, after what had happened with Frank; well, he had another thing coming.

I waved it off and began to eat.

“You still got me.” Darios winked.

“That’s no consolation prize
,” Tiff responded. I nearly choked on my lasagna. Yeah, something was definitely going on between them.

After the awesome welcome home dinner Tiff made us, I kind of threw everyone out.
Well not kind of, I really did throw them out.

I stood in the middle of my home
as my nerves tried to get the better of me, but I fought back. The old me would have just let things take over, but the new me wanted my life back. I took a deep breath and walked up to my room, but stopped short of entering. Something was holding me back. I grew angry at myself. I wanted to change, but my fear was real. I shook it off and went down to the linen closet. I took out two pillows and a duvet and headed to the couch. I plopped down, taking my laptop and my cell with me.

I stared at the stupid phone willing it to work.
Maybe Jason was at work and couldn’t call me. I decided to send a text to see if he’d text me back.

Me:
  Im @home call or txt me

I waited, but after an
hour, he did not respond back.

Me:
  Jason pls call me

Still nothing.

Fine! He wanted to play this game.
Well, I always won when it came to fuckin’ games. I flipped open my laptop and began to write, letting all that was around me melt away. I was back in my element. I was so afraid that Frank had tainted it for me, but he hadn’t. He only made me realize how much I relished my world and that no one was allowed in except me. Fuck you Frank, wherever the hell you ended up.

After countless texts and messages, I decided to go to my brother’s gym. He would show up sooner or later.

“Hey
, Kassia,” Jessica annunciated my name carefully to annoy me.

“Hey
, Jessica.” I did the same, breathing out the A just so that I could drive her crazy.

I scanned my card and walked in.
I went to change, my anticipation of wanting to see Jason only made me more anxious. I figured before I would workout I’d see Darios. He’d be happy to see me here, wanting to get back into the groove of what was my life. I didn’t bother to knock, I never did. I seriously regretted that decision as I walked in on him.

“What the fuck?” I nearly yelled.

Tiff and my brother were in a heavy lip lock, her hands in his barely-there-hair and his in hers, grabbing a fist full.

“Kass?” He froze.

“Son of a bitch,” I muttered as I slammed the door.

I began to walk away, more like run away, when Darios caught up to me.

“Kass
, wait!” He grabbed my arm. I swung around and stopped. The look of guilt was painted all over his face.

“Dar, I don’t want to know
,” I said, waving my hands out to him.

“Kass
, listen,” he started.

“No.
I said stop! I don’t want to know what’s going on.” I didn’t want to know. Seeing my big brother kissing my agent freaked me out. Tiff always had a crush on him and my brother was a man whore. No matter what, I would be caught between them.

“Kass… it just kind of happened
,” he stammered.

“It kind of happened...getting stuck in the rain kind of happens. Tiff in your office with your tongue down her throat doesn’t just kind of happen
,” I snapped. “Look, do what you want. I don’t care. But don’t fuckin’ hurt her like you do the rest of ‘your girls.’” I air quoted. “She’s important to me,” I growled.

“She’s important to me
, too,”he admitted.

“O…k…” I let out a heavy sigh, his revelation flooring me. “I'm going to
work out. Just pretend I didn’t see anything. Just do me a favor and don’t have sex while I'm here.” I shivered all over.

“Kass?”
he tried again, but I walked away.

Okay
, so this workout was shot to hell. There was no point in staying at the gym now. I knew my brother and he would want to talk to me about this. Plus, Tiff would too and right now, I just didn’t want to know. I walked by Jessica, but stopped in mid-stride. Part of me wanted to say something to her, but I shook my head. There was no point in being a bitch.

“Hey
, Jessica?” I asked. I figured I could ask her a favor since she thought if she had it good with me then I would tell Darios. “Could you just tell me if Jason has come by lately?” I asked, trying really hard to be nice. She stared at me, but relented. She quickly typed in his name and shook her head.

“He cancelled his membership
,” she said sadly.

“What?” I was taken aback.

“Yeah, it says it right here.” She tapped on the screen with her fake nails.

“
Okay, thanks.” I half smiled. “Asshole, Jason,” I murmured to myself as I walked over to the elevator.

Blackballed

I woke up on my couch
, which I had been sleeping on since the day I got back. I still was too afraid to go into my room. Darios offered to stay with me. I refused by telling him I could take care of myself. Besides, I suspected Darios wanted ‘to talk.’ After a few days of thinking about it, I wasn’t too upset. I think the shock was about sharing my brother with someone else who was now important to him, too.

The day was sunny considering it was now late fall.
I looked outside my window and wondered when winter would come. I loved winter and couldn’t wait until it came. The first snowfall was always the best. I contemplated going to see Jason at work. I didn’t want to be ‘that girl,’ but he didn’t leave me much of a choice. I thought about how I was going to go about it when my gaze was forced onto a big brawny man who was waving insanely at me from the sidewalk.

“
Fuckin’, Dar,” I murmured, as I closed the curtain and made my way to the door. “What are you doing here?” I hissed and he continued to wave at me, knowing how annoyed I would be.

“Because I love you
,” he grinned. I held the door opened until he walked through.

“I told you, I don’t need you here
,” I said, rather miffed at him because I felt like he was still treating me like a child.

“Fine, you might not need me, but I need you
,” he said holding up a box of cupcakes. I narrowed my eyes at him and wondered if I should let him in, but the bastard brought cupcakes.

“Are there any mint chocolate?” I asked
with my eyes still narrowed.

“Yes, obviously.
I'm your brother. I know how to bribe you,” he scoffed.

“Fine, you may stay
,” I said as I grabbed the box out of his hand and hauled ass to the counter. I needed a chocolate mint cupcake, which was made by angels, only because it was a heavenly mix of goodness.

“Why
, thank you m’lady,” he said as he approached my treats and me. I growled at him, knowing full well he wanted one. He backed away and held up his hands.

“I only wanted one.” He frowned.

“Yeah right!” I laughed. I knew him well enough to know he’d eat the whole box, maybe leave me one, and then laugh about it to my face.

“Have you seen Jason?”
he asked as he sat down on the barstool.

I peeled back the cupcake paper and saw the peppermint pattie sticking out from the bottom.

“No, not yet, but I'm planning to go to his work later.” Darios sat watching me salivate in anticipation of my cupcake.

“He might not want to see you. He did say something along the lines of you needing to move on, maybe finding a healthier relationship,” he said, still watching me carefully.

“I don’t care what he wants.
The old me would have admitted he was right, but the new me is going to go after what I want and Jason is what I want,” I admitted.

“Then you should fight for him
,” Darios said earnestly. I dropped my cupcake and looked at him. I wondered if this was my brother or not.

“Were you cloned or did you have a lobotomy?” I asked incredulously.

“Look, I want you to be happy and I can’t just block the world from hurting you
. What I can do is be here for you when you need me. So, don’t worry, when Jason gets out of line I’ll kick his ass.” He smiled and snatched the cupcake away from me.

“Hey!” I
cried out, but it was too late; the asshole shoved it all in his mouth.

“So did Tiffany bring on this epiphany or did you come up with this on your own?”
I asked candidly.

“Look, I want you to be
okay with Tiff and me, but if you’re not…” he trailed off.

“I'm fine with it, really I am.
It’s just that it’s been you and me since forever. Yes, you had a lot of girlfriends, but none stayed long enough for me to remember their names. But Tiffany, I think she might be a keeper and as much as I want to stand on my own two feet, I still want to be one of your priorities,” I admitted. I took out another cupcake, but made sure I inched away from him.

“Kass, you’ll always be my little sister, nothing is going to change that.
Look, I know how you feel. I’m not going to lie, but I hate the fucker Jason for being in your life. But I also know how much he cares about you. If you have him, I know you’ll be in good hands.” He smiled trying to inch closer.

“You listen here
, Dar, you come any closer to my cupcakes and I’ll seriously hurt you,” I growled.

“Okay
, sorry.” He smiled innocently. I knew I was going to lose at least two before he left.

“Son of a bitch!” I yelled after Darios left. He ate four cupcakes, leaving me with just one. I could hear him now saying he was helping me with my diet. Jerk!

I
mulled over what Jason had told my brother. I guessed my need for time to figure things out also gave him time to think that our relationship was perverse or abnormal. I slammed my fist on the table. “Screw him.” I knew it was right being with him. Fate brought us together. It wasn’t some sort of mistake. Yes, granted, the way things happened may have tainted us, but we could work through it.

With a new found determination, I dressed and headed to his work.
If Jason wasn’t coming to me I was going to go after him.

I was completely nervous about seeing him again. It didn’t matter how old he was, the man got under my skin and made me weak in the knees.
So I wore a ‘stop and stare at me’ outfit. I wanted him to drool. I wanted him to need me, to want me. But what I really wanted was to be by his side, to be his again. My whole life I hid behind my books and the little world I had created, but Jason made my life real and alive and I wanted it all back.

I
breathed deep as I stood in front of the precinct. “
Okay, you can do this, Kass. You can do this,
” I said to myself.

I walked up to the same lady
, who was there the few times I had come by.

“Hi.” I waved at her.

“Oh, hi Ms. Preston. How are you today?” she asked elated.

“I'm good
,” I replied with a nervous smile.

“So
, I hear the new book is coming out next month. They say it’s different, but edgy. I'm really excited about getting it.” She smiled.

“I'm glad. I’ll make sure to get you a signed copy
,” I offered.

“Really? That would be great!”
she said happily. She continued to smile and stare at me for a few seconds. “Is there anything I can help you with?” she asked, wondering what I was doing here.

“Well, I'm here to see Jason Theroux
,” I said rather anxiously.

“Jason? Well…” She smiled apprehensively.
“He said to refuse all visitors. No matter who it was.” She began to bite her lower lip, not sure if I’d be upset.

“All visitors?” I asked
, surprised at the lengths he was going.

“All, but he specifically said you
,” she said quietly.

“I’ve been blackballed?” I asked
, stupefied.

“Sorry
,” she muttered.

“That bastard!” I growled.

I walked back out and stood at the foot of the precinct. I couldn’t believe the lengths he was taking to avoid me. First, he wouldn’t answer any of my texts or calls and then he canceled his membership at the gym, and now here? That was it! I knew my next move. I didn’t care how long I would have to wait, but I was going to his home and I was going to see him.

He must have said something to the doorman too, because the man wouldn’t let me in. So, there I stood outside in late October waiting for a man who was infuriating me. I needed to see him and was ready to fight for what I thought was our future together. I waited over four hours. My body was completely frozen from the inside out.

“Here!”
The doorman came out and handed me a coffee. I usually didn’t drink coffee, but in this instance it felt nice and hot. I held it in my hands to warm them.

“Why don’t you go home?”
he offered with a faint smile. “I’ll tell Mr. Theroux you passed by.” I took a sip, yeah coffee wasn’t my thing.

“I need to see him today. The stubborn ass will have to see me today, no doubt about that
,” I said. I was determined to finish what I had started.

The doorman nodded and kept me company as I stood outside.
“I’m sorry about not letting you in, but it might cost my job.”

I understood where he was coming from.
I didn’t want to cause trouble for anyone. I just wanted to see Jason, clear the air and then maybe wring his neck.

I was going to give up.
It had been a total of six hours that I waited, until I saw him walking towards me. Our eyes met and I could see he wasn’t the least bit happy. His face changed and his eyes narrowed. It hurt. Fuck, did it hurt me. But it was okay, because by the end of this night Jason and I would be together again. We’d no longer be separated. We’d argue and he’d relent, we’d make love and finally be together after all these months. That was my plan and I was going to stick with it.

Jason, however, had other plans in mind as he continued to walk towards me.
His eyes looked past me. The moment Jason walked by me without acknowledging me, I knew my fight would be hard and painful.

“Really?” I breathed.

I could seriously feel my heart starting to break.
I felt completely devastated the moment he passed me. It felt as though he took the air from inside my lungs and left me breathless and empty. Jason didn’t lose speed in his stride as he entered his building, leaving me behind.

I broke down there in the middle of the sidewalk, on a cold October day.
My body numb, not from the freezing weather, but from the reality that it might not be as easy as I thought. That maybe Jason might not want this anymore, that he might not want me or us. I tasted my warm, salty tears. Now what was I going to do? I wanted to leave, to run back home in a typical Kassia move. Run and hide. I lowered my shoulders and waited. I’d do what felt right. I was going to let the emotions run through me and then decide. After a few moments, I swallowed whatever pride I had and turned to enter Jason’s building.

I took a step back, when I saw him standing there waiting for me.
He let out a heavy sigh and walked over to me. He grabbed my hand and led me inside. We passed security and entered the elevator, but Jason still didn’t say anything to me. I stood silently next to him, not sure what I could say to him or how I would convince him.

The elevator doors opened and he walked out
, leaving me behind. I followed him, wary at how unfamiliar it had become between us. He unlocked the door, and held it open for me. I stepped inside cautiously, scared of what was about to happen. The door slammed shut behind me. I jumped at the sound. He took off his shoes and made his way into his condo.

“Well?”
he asked in a cold tone.

I slowly walked over to him.
The lights of the building across the street lit the dark condo as Jason stood with his arms crossed.

“I tried to…” I said slowly, but he cut me off before I continued.

“Yeah, I heard your messages and read your texts
,” he said grimly. My skin shivered as goose bumps peppered my skin. I didn’t know this Jason.

“Look
, Kass, I'm glad you’re fine and I'm happy you’re back home. I even hear you have a book coming out. Everything seems to be going well for you. Do you mind telling me what you’re doing here?” he asked with his face stern and sullen.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. I
fought back the urge to take him by the shoulders and shake him.

“Doing what?”
he asked pointedly.

“Pushing me away!” I fired back.

“Kass, we had our fun, but now things have changed and you need to move on
,” he said bluntly.

“You can’t be serious?
Jason, I love you. I love you,” I said as my voice nearly broke. Jason only stood quietly. “Jason, I know that I might have been wrong by keeping you at arm’s length, but I was confused. I was afraid, but I'm not any longer. I don’t care about our past, I care about our future. I care about you,” I said at the verge of tears.

“The thing is
, Kass, I don’t feel the same way anymore. So instead of making this hard on yourself and on me, just let it go already,” he said harshly. The words he spoke were like ammunition, each word shooting right through my heart.

“It’s not that easy
, Jason,” I bit back. “You can’t just come into my life and change me and not want this any longer. I don’t give a shit about our age difference. I don’t care about how we met and what happened to us. I just want us back. I want you back in my arms,” I said flatly.

“What do you want
, Kass? You want to be the girl who hangs off the man who doesn’t love her anymore? Is that it? Have you become that desperate?” he attacked back.