My Blue River (43 page)

“Jack!” I yelled breathlessly as I ran to his side. “Is he okay?” I asked the paramedic.

“He’s fine, but he’ll be sore
. Really
sore but the horns just grazed him,” she replied.

I put my hand over my heart, “What a relief.” I looked at Jack. “Are you ready for the I-told-you-so, yet?”

He attempted a faint smile. “I think I may just believe in your dreams now,” he replied as he held an ice pack to the bump on his head.

I kissed his forehead and held him close. “You scared me,” I mumbled into his hair.

“That dang
bull
scared me. Guess if I’m gonna mess with the bull I should expect the horns.” He tried to laugh but the pain ran too deep.

“All future rodeos are up for discussion.” It was my final comment on the subject.

********

It had been two weeks since Jack’s rodeo injury. He could finally move without wincing in pain so we took an adventure to the nearby hot springs resort. I secretly wished it was an overnight trip, but quickly reprimanded myself for having that wish. I sometimes wanted to rid myself of the moral compass that resided in my conscious. Every time I tried, Claire popped into mind. One bad choice could completely derail my goals.

I found Jack already lounging against one side of the shallow end of the hot springs swimming pool. He looked up at me and his mouth fell open.

I was suddenly very conscious of my new figure and wrapped my arms around my body, attempting to cover myself. “I know. I gained weight. At least I didn’t get the freshman fifteen.” I now wished I hadn’t chosen to wear a bikini.

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed. “Freshman fifteen?” he asked.

“You haven’t heard? Whenever girls go off to college, they usually gain fifteen pounds. It’s called
the freshman fifteen
. I gained twelve and then I lost seven, then again two, but gained one. Well, I guess my weight has gone up and down, depending on the level of drama.”

“Well, I say bring it on. You look amazing.”

“Yeah, right. Overall, there was a gain, Jack.”

“And in all the right places, my dear…all the right places,” He scanned my body with his eyes.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disagreement. I stepped down into the pool and swam to him. He gave up the fight. He knew better than to think he could convince a girl that any amount of weight gain was a good thing. I may have selected an entirely too skimpy bikini as he couldn’t keep his eyes off my chest. Each time I caught him taking a peek his cheeks turned cherry red and he’d look away.

The naughty-girl part of my brain that sometimes gagged and tied up the good-girl part took over. I pressed my body really close to his body, which made him shiver. We both took a look around. We had the pool to ourselves. I gave Jack a come-hither look and summoned him to my lips with one finger. He kissed me long and passionately. He moved his lips to my neck while running a hand up and down my bare back. I threw my head back to allow him greater access. I felt the tips of his fingers run just under the very top of my bikini bottom waist band, which made me press myself closer to him. When our naked flesh touched, I felt myself quiver with anticipation of his next move.

Just then, we heard approaching voices. We immediately ceased like two little kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Bounding into the pool area were five little kids, followed by two moms who were so busy talking about their blogs that they didn’t even seem to notice us. We assembled ourselves into more appropriate positions as we each tried to regain our composure. It was difficult to calm the rush of emotion we were both feeling. We stole a glance at each other and burst into laughter.
What had we been thinking? That was too dangerous and we were in a public pool and it was so inappropriate!

“We should not be left alone,” I said.

Jack leaned in to me and whispered. “I’d love nothing more than to be left alone with you.” The heat of his breath gave me one last shiver. It was almost painful to stop my desire for Jack’s touch.

********

Several weeks later, Jack was in the middle of the most important time of the farming business. He was either up very early every morning or out late every night riding on equipment that produced large, square bales of hay.
I miss him
.

At six a.m. I heard the house phone ring, but it was so early, I ignored it.

I heard a knock on my door and dad’s voice saying, “It’s for you, Addy.”

I tried to wake myself, groggily reaching for the telephone. It seemed impossible the caller was asking for me. If anyone ever wanted me they called my cell phone.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Addy…” It was Jack. He sounded upset.

I sat straight up. “Jack? What’s wrong?” The tone of his voice concerned me.

“You didn’t answer your cell phone. I—I,” he choked back a sob. “I’m at St. Mary’s Hospital.”

“What? Why? What happened? Are you okay?”

“It’s my dad. They think he’s had a heart attack.”

“Oh crap, Jack! I’ll be right there!”

“I need you, Addy.”

“I know, Jack. Hang tight. I’ll be right there.”

I hung up the phone and threw myself into clothes. I flew down the stairs and hurried through the story for my parents. Dad noted how visibly upset I was and insisted on driving me to the hospital in Middleburg.
He’s right. There’s no way I can drive
. All I could think of on the ride there was the dream I had where I experienced chest pain. I thought it had been about Jack and his being injured in the rodeo, but I now believed that dream had been about Ted. He would have a heart attack and it was about to turn my world upside down. I hated not understanding my dreams and wished they would just go away. It wasn’t like I could stop fate from happening so my dreams did me no good. I couldn’t prevent the inevitable. Life went according to each person’s own plan. I felt so selfish for thinking about how this would change our future.

My dad dropped me off at the front door to save time, then left to find a parking spot. As I ran through the hospital foyer, I realized I didn’t know what floor Ted Cooper was on. I ran back to the information desk and found a little, white-haired lady whose name tag read, Ellen. She informed me he was on the fourth floor. I furiously ran to the elevator and punched the up button. It seemed like it took forever to arrive. Once it did, I hopped in with another woman who pressed a different button.

Lost in thought, I accidentally got off on the third floor with the woman who shared my elevator ride. It was the maternity floor. I turned back for the elevator, but had missed it. Something came over me. I couldn’t resist. I walked down the hallway to see the newborn babies.

Most of those little bundles of joy were sleeping; a few were crying. The nurse mouthed, “Which one?” I mouthed, “Just looking.” I couldn’t help it. Despite everything I had ever said before, a part of me wanted one of my own someday and I wanted one with Jack. I fantasized about marrying him and having his baby. I even found myself wondering if it would be a boy or a girl. I wondered what silly name Jack would talk me into naming him or her. Just thinking about it made me laugh out loud.

Suddenly, the reality of why I was at the hospital in the first place kicked in and I realized I needed to go one floor up to Jack. I shook off my daydream and ran back for the elevator. When I found Jack on the fourth floor in the waiting area, he looked miserably distraught, as did his mom. I hugged them both and asked what I could do. I asked if they knew any further information about Ted’s condition.

“It—it—” Sharon couldn’t find the words.

Jack jumped in to complete the sentence his mother was unable to say. “It was definitely a heart attack.” Jack passed the words through the lump in his throat and put his arm around his mom’s shoulders.

“I’m so sorry,” I offered. “When did this happen?”

“We had just gotten into the field this morning, and my dad said he didn’t feel right. He couldn’t describe exactly how he felt until he felt pain in his left arm. Then he clutched his chest. He was pale and sweatin’ like a pig. Glad I had this.” Jack held up a cell phone.

“When did you get a cell phone?” I asked in surprise.

“I got it the night before. I remembered how you once said you wished I had a cell phone so you could hear my voice any time you wanted, even if you just heard it on my voicemail. Since you’re leaving in a few weeks, well…” He held up the phone once more to complete his sentence.

My heart sunk. He said
I
was leaving in a few weeks—not
WE
were leaving in a few weeks.

“Wow.” I tried to dismiss what he had just said, attempting to be here in the moment. “See? I told you cell phones were a good thing.” My voice cracked and I was sure I looked shell-shocked. I was trying to process all the information I was receiving as I threw my arms around him and buried my face in his chest.

“I was able to act so quickly. I really think it saved him. The emergency life flight helicopter was there so fast.” I could tell he shook his head in disbelief. “It was surreal, Addy. Absolutely surreal.”

I clung to his body, listening to his heart beat loudly. I couldn’t seem to let go. We were still embracing when we heard the doctor approach and announce that Ted would be fine. It was a mild heart attack, but he would still need to remain hospitalized. Additional tests needed to be conducted over the next week. Almost as bad as the heart attack was the news that Ted would not be returning to farming anytime soon.

My dream had ended before it even began. Jack could never leave Montana now. He would never leave his parents to fend for themselves. He needed to run the family farm, and I had to support him. We exchanged a look that told me he was having the exact same thought. He grimaced and pulled my head back to his chest. I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears.

********

Over the next few weeks, Jack worked long, hard hours. Since my dad didn’t work the summer months, he helped him daily. Jack tried to pay him for his time, which nearly gave
my
dad a heart attack. Zeek’s little brother, Joel, who was between his junior and senior year, was hired to help. I felt a little bit bad that Jack didn’t consider hiring Aaron, but I knew he had good reasons not to—
Aaron should not operate heavy machinery
. He was too much of a risk and totally unreliable. I had barely even seen him all summer and every time I did, I knew he was high.

I often drove to the edge of the field with food and drinks for Jack, Dad, and Joel. They only took brief breaks. I would then sit in the bed of my Red Chevy S10 pickup truck and watch Jack work. I just wanted to be near him. I felt physical pain knowing the tick of the clock was passing by and that our time together was about to come to a screeching halt. I reflected on the pains of the summer. It all started with Harrison, then Jack’s rodeo accident, and ended with Ted’s heart attack, but no…it ended with placing those same thirteen hundred miles between us. Some things went as planned while other things didn’t. The hope Jack gave me by confessing he considered moving to California had carried me through the days I didn’t get to spend with him. I thought I would see Sharon cry as I drove away with her only son, taking him away to a far off state. Not that I wanted her to cry, just that Jack and I were meant to be together. Instead, I would once again board an airplane headed south with tears falling over my cheeks.

********

Jack’s Journal

Wednesday, August 22

Being a man of many words…being a man able to construct poetry and song…I sit here almost unable to describe in words what I’m feeling.

I nearly lost my dad a few weeks ago. I can’t believe I didn’t write about it before now, but I couldn’t. Every time I opened my journal I realized it was one of those, “words cannot describe” moments that would mark a turning point in my life that would never be forgotten.