More Than Her (16 page)

I moved my car and went straight back to my room.

She stood in the middle, bra back on, pulling her shirt over her head. I quickly stopped her, mid motion. She had one arm in the air, her head half way out the neck hole.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I whisper-yelled.

She pulled her shirt the rest of the way on. "Getting dressed." She looked at me like I was crazy.

Me!

I started to pull her shirt back up but she swatted my hands away.

"We're not done," I told her.

"Uh, yeah. We are."

She chuckled.

Fucking Chuckled.

Then she opened the door that led outside.

"What the fuck is happening right now!" I was annoyed, and pissed, and extremely fucking hard. I stomped my foot. Legit, stomped my foot. "You can't leave me hanging like this! I'm gonna have blue balls for fucking days, Amanda!"

She laughed.

Fucking laughed!

"I'm sorry." She straightened up a little. "It would have just been an angry fuck, Logan. It didn't mean anything."

"So angry fuck me. I
don't
give a shit!" I motioned my hand to my dick. "My dick doesn't give a shit!"

She laughed again, moving closer to me. I thought she was about to give in, but instead, she lifted her chin and said, "You have hands, use them."

I glared at her, then thrust my hips forward slightly, "
You
have hands,
you
use them."

Then she laughed in my face, and left.

And if I had anything invaluable in my room, I'd be throwing it against a wall.

Instead, I did the only thing I could do. I jumped in the shower and re-introduced my hand to my dick. They hadn't seen each other for the last four fucking years.

Logan

"I hate it when you do that." I could hear Amanda in the kitchen whispering. I stood frozen in the hallway, not wanting to interrupt them.

After their argument last night, the house was silent. They didn't talk. At all. Not to me or each other. I don't know if that's normal for brothers and sisters, considering I don't have any, but it was awkward as hell.

I slept in my room, in a sleeping bag, on the floor. Good times.

"Do what?" Ethan responded.

"I hate it when you put me down like that."

"How did I put you down?" He sounded pissed.

Amanda just sounded sad.

"You always make me feel like what I want to do with my life is less important than you. So what if my life goal is to be a good mom? So what if I don't want to have an epic career and make lots of money? Maybe falling in love, getting married, being happy and having a family is all I want. Maybe being a mom is enough for me."

I heard him sigh, "You're right Dim, I'm sorry. I'm an asshole."

I was still in the hallway, listening in on their conversation. I felt like I should turn around, and go back in my room. But I needed to leave for class so I was stuck.

"It's okay," she said quietly.

"No. It's not okay. You already stayed all last year. I'll just find another job."

"No," Amanda said quickly. "You get another job, you may as well quit. I'll go back home. It's fine. I'll just go back to school there."

Then it was silent.

I made sure to make a lot of noise as I entered, so they knew I was coming.

They were both in the kitchen, coffee in hands, looking at the floor.

Ethan looked up when he heard me, then to Amanda he said, "We'll work something out Dim, promise." He squeezed her arm before brushing past me and into his room.

I poured myself a coffee and stood next to her, leaning against the bench.

She hadn't raised her eyes since I'd come in; she was still staring at the floor.

I gently nudged her with my elbow. "You okay?"

Her head lifted and her eyes met mine. They were red from crying. She had tears falling but she didn't bother to hide it.

I put our coffees on the counter and pulled her into me. She didn't resist. Her face was on my chest as her arms went around me.

"What happened?" I slowly ran my fingers through her hair. I hated seeing her like this. I hated that she was sad. I hated the she felt anything bad enough to make her cry.

She inhaled deeply, then pulled back slightly to look up at me, those big blue eyes full of sadness.

And it was this moment that I knew
—
I knew I'd do anything at all in this entire world to make sure she'd never feel sadness again.

"I have to go home, Logan." She sniffed and wiped her nose on her arm. "I have to leave and go home."

I tensed at her words.

She
can't
leave.

I
can't
let her go.

Not again.

"You can't leave, Amanda."

She stared at me. Unblinking.

A million emotions ran through me.

"I won't let you go." I said. "Not again." It was barely a whisper.

"Logan?" She was looking at me confused, not understanding my words.

Valid.

I don't truly understand them either.

Finally, she pulled away and started to gather her stuff.

My mind was still reeling with her news, that I wasn't focused when she said she was leaving and walked out the door.

***

I was driving to campus when I saw her waiting at the bus stop. I pulled over so fast; the car behind me nearly hit me.

"What are you doing?" I yelled out to her.

She looked up from the ground. "Huh?"

"Where are you going?"

"Class," she shrugged.

Ten minutes later pulled into a parking spot on campus. I turned the car off and faced her. She looked out the windshield, blank expression on her face.

"What happened? I mean, why do you have to go home?"

She faced me and shrugged.
"
It's nothing, Logan. Nothing we can actually do anything about."

Turned out she has book club with Micky and Lucy that evening, so we planned that I'd pick her up from there after practice. She said she wasn't in the mood for socializing with anyone, so it worked out well.

***

She went to her room when we got home from Micky's, shutting the door behind her.

She didn't say anything on the drive home, and neither did I.

I did however, offer her my hand.

She took it.

I sat on the sofa, getting some homework done when I felt Ethan sit down next to me.

"I feel like an asshole," he said, running his hand through his hair. He looked like he'd been working out.

"Why?" I shut my laptop and faced him.

"For the shit I said to her yesterday. I mean, I didn't mean to say it. Not the way it came out. But it is kind of true, you know? If anyone needs to be here, it's me." He lowered his voice and looked to the hallway. I guess to make sure that Amanda couldn't hear us. "I get it
—
that she doesn't want to go back. And I don't even think that it's the missing out on college thing. I just
—
I think she doesn't want to be home
—
with Ma. And I think she just doesn't like to be there, with the people and the memories, I mean it happened a year and half ago, I don't
—
" He cut himself off before I got the chance to ask him what the hell he was talking about. "Shit," he spat. "Don't tell Dimmy I said anything. I forget sometimes that not everyone knows."

"Knows what?" I asked, confused.

"Nothing, man. Just
—
never mind." He put his leg up on the coffee table and started kneading his hip with his hand. "I can't fucking believe Ma got fired again."

And there it was.

"So she lost her job and that meant Amanda had to go home, and what? Work? Look after your mom?"

"Unless a miracle happens, yeah. I guess so."

***

Amanda

I'd been laying in my bed, in a dark room, for who knows how long, feeling sorry for myself, when really, things could be a lot worse.

The thing is, I just don't want to go home. I already gave up a year of my life to stay there and make sure everything was okay. I get that Ma was upset and that she lost it a little, and honestly, she had every right to.

But it was hell.

It wasn't just the schoolwork added with the full time work at a crappy diner, and then the coming home to a borderline alcoholic mom. It was also because somewhere between the day Dad walked out on us, and the night it happened, I lost myself. I lost who I was as a person and became something else. Someone weak, and stupid, and pathetic. Someone completely not me at all, and I don't want to be reminded of that.

There was a light tap on my door before Logan popped his head in, "You decent?"

It was too dark to see anything, "Uh huh."

"Dammit!" I could hear the smile in his voice, and for some reason it made me happy, and so did the fact that he was in here right now.

"What are you doing?" He moved closer to the bed.

I sat up a little. "Sitting here feeling sorry for myself. What about you?"

"Can you please turn a light on? Contrary to your obvious perception of my body, I'm not superhuman. I don't have night vision."

I laughed and did what he asked.

He stood there, bowl of ice cream in one hand, Gummy Bears in the other.

My eyes went big as a gasp escaped my mouth, "Did you go out and get me these?"

He nodded.

"You didn't!"

"I did." He smiled, that beautiful smug smile of his.

He sat on my bed, and watched me scoff down the ice cream, which surprisingly made me feel better. "So I have an idea," he said.

I put the bowl on the nightstand and gave him my full attention. "And what's that?"

"Let's go a little crazy and beat the shit out of Ethan."

I laughed so hard I snorted. It's my most attractive quality.

He watched me, that panty-dropping smile of his on full display.

The thing with Logan was that he had that power over me. His presence could make me forget all the emotions I felt before he entered a room. Because the second he's here, it's
all
him.

I hated it.

And I loved it.

"What was that about anyway?" He mocked as he scooted closer so our legs touched. "I felt bad for the kid. I felt like yelling at him to tap out. How the fuck did you even get him to the ground?"

I threw my head back with laughter.

"So I have my two truths for fifteen question, are you ready for it?" he asked.

I nodded, still smiling.

"I don't know why I didn't ask you this earlier
—
but why the
hell
does Ethan call you Dimmy?"

Shit. I didn't want to answer. "Pass."

"You can't pass." He had that shit eating grin on his face. "This story must be good." He moved closer again, until his hands were on my knees. We were face to face, sitting cross-legged on my bed.

"I pass. There has to be a 'pass' rule. You can't answer
every
question truthfully."

"Yes, there is a pass rule, it's that you're not allowed to pass."

"What? You have to answer every question? So if I asked you; 'How many girls have you had sex with?' you'd have to answer?"

He nodded, but he was unsure, "Is that your question?"

Did I want to know? I think I made a gagging face because he chuckled.

"No. That's not my question."

"So why does he call you Dimmy?"

I pursed my lips tight and shook my head.

"I'll find out," he said, eyebrows raised in a challenge.

I continued shaking my head.

He sighed out loud, slumping his shoulders, like he'd given up. He dropped his head forward, causing his hair to fall into his face.

My hand shifted to move it out of the way. I didn't know I was doing it until it was done. But when I go to pull back, his hand held it in place, linking our fingers together.

Then he looked up at me, and slowly, a smirk pulled at his lips. He took in a deep breath, and then it hit me, what he was about to do. "Yo, Ethan!" he yelled, before I got a chance to cover his mouth.

Ethan walked into my room, and took in our position, before leaning on the dresser, "What's up?" He looked at us suspiciously.