Maxwell: Not Without Guilt (Phoenix Club) (4 page)

“Morning,” she murmured. Her soft, sea green eyes gazed at him with a shadow of sorrow; she knew what he had to do today, and her heart was breaking.

Abel walked over and leaned down, kissing her hair. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered, and was thankful he sounded much more confident than he felt. Outwardly, he was doing his best to put on a brave front, but inside – he wanted to stuff his head in the toilet and puke his guts out.

“How are you doing?” Devlin asked when he approached the counter where the man was cooking breakfast. He might be able to pretend for others, but Devlin could see right through him. Just last night he had confided in him that just the thought of getting up there and recounting the events at the orphanage made him lightheaded and sick to his stomach.

“I’m...” He shrugged and murmured, “Coping.”

“We’ll get through today.” Devlin touched his face and kissed him softly. “And then that part will be behind us.”
That
part. But Devlin would have to take his turn, and Savannah. Abel was more concerned with how his detailed testimony would affect Devlin than he was with what it would do to himself. Even Savannah didn’t know everything. She had been present a few times, but for the most part Abel had been alone with Craig. And though Devlin knew what Craig had done to him, in the abstract – Abel had never gone into detail. How would Devlin react to hearing it all?

“Yeah.” Abel nodded and hugged him, laying his head on his shoulder.

“You’re going to do fine,” Devlin whispered and rubbed his hand up his back. “We’ll all be there for you.”

“I know.” Abel swallowed hard and blinked back his tears.

Devlin kissed his neck. “Want me to fix you a plate?”

Shaking his head, Abel stepped back. “I can’t eat. I don’t think it would stay down.”

“It’s going to be a long day, babe,” Devlin pointed out. “You should try to eat something.”

Abel nodded slowly, though the thought of eating anything made his stomach revolt. “Maybe just some toast then.”

“Toast it is.” Devlin dropped two slices into the toaster and popped them down.

Glancing at Savannah, looking so solemn as she picked at her breakfast, Abel asked quietly, “Does she have to be in the courtroom when I give my testimony?”

“I don’t know,” Devlin murmured. “I don’t see why she should have to be. Ask Taylor about it when we get there. See what he has to say.”

Jensen Taylor was the supervising attorney of the legal team Kaplan had assigned to his case, and the one they had been working most closely with to prepare for court. He was a no-nonsense man with a stare just intimidating enough to make even the most innocent man quiver in the knees. Abel was thankful he was
his
attorney and not the prosecutor. He would hate to face Taylor from opposing sides. But the guy was a good man, and underneath his steel shell was a heart of compassion and patience and understanding. Abel should have known this even before getting to know him; Kaplan would have never assigned someone to his case who couldn’t sympathize with what he had gone through.

♦

A
ngel leaned against the door frame, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his slacks. “You don’t have to go.”

Maddy didn’t reply immediately as he buttoned his light blue shirt then tucked it into his new black jeans. He glanced at Angel. “You don’t have to try and protect me,” he said quietly. “I’ve already seen the worst of the worst. I’ll be okay.”

In some ways, it was as if the boy had grown up overnight. When Angel looked at him now, he didn’t see the vulnerable ten-year-old boy Maddy had been when Wade and Axel had taken over their lives. He’d had a hard time thinking of Maddy as almost an adult when everything Angel had gone through had been to protect him. But it was different now. Maddy wasn’t vulnerable anymore, and like any good “man,” he was quick to step up and be strong for those he cared for. In this case – Savannah.

Angel smiled and nodded. “I know, Maddy.” It was no secret to either Angel or Dane that Maddy’s prime purpose for attending the trial was for Savannah’s sake. Maddy understood the hell she and Abel had gone through, and how much it would hurt having it all dredged back up. A rush of pride swept over Angel, bringing tears to his eyes. The “straight” world was damn lucky to have a young man like Maddy in their ranks. Whether because of what he had endured, or simply because of who he was inside – or both – Maddy was a natural protector, a guardian.

“What?” Maddy was looking him uncertainly.

Angel cleared his throat, then smiled. “Nothing. You look good. Very...grown up.”

“I’m almost sixteen.”

Laughing softly, Angel nodded. “Yes, I know.” He pressed his lips tight and gazed at his little brother. “You really like her, don’t you?”

“Who?” Maddy murmured absently as he looked at himself in the mirror, messing with his shirt.

“Who do you think?” Angel chuckled, “The only
‘her’
in our very gay family.”

Maddy laughed low, then shrugged. “She’s cool.”

“Cool?” Angel smirked. “Apparently cool enough to get all spiffed up for.”

His brow arched, Maddy looked at him. “You’re spiffed up too.”

“True,” Angel grinned. “But even so...”

“Even so what?” Dane stepped up behind Angel and wrapped his arms around him, kissing his neck.

“Nothing,” Maddy groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Ah I see,” Dane grinned,. “You were talking about a certain, special young lady.”

“You two just...leave me alone,” Maddy grumbled, though a smile played at the corner of his mouth.

“Never,” Dane smiled darkly and nibbled Angel’s earlobe. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Groaning again, Maddy just shook his head then walked over and very slowly closed the door, pushing Angel and Dane out into the hall. “Go away.” The door closed and the lock clicked.

Angel laughed. “Guess our wit isn’t welcome.”

“Who would’ve thought?” Dane kissed him, then walked with him to the kitchen. “Are you sure you want to be there today?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Dane wrapped him in his arms and gazed down at him. “The things Abel has to talk about, it could bring up bad memories for you as well.”

Leaning against him, Angel sighed, “The memories are there either way. Not facing them doesn’t make them go away. And besides,” he drew back and looked up at Dane. “Abel is my family now too. And real families support each other, no matter what. Before too long, I’m going to be in Abel’s place. I’m going to have to walk into the courtroom and face Wade and Byrd again, and tell what they did to me.” He hugged Dane’s strong body, taking comfort in it. “Hiding from the memories now will only make it that much more difficult then.”

Dane smiled and kissed his head. “I believe I snagged me a very wise young man.”

Angel nuzzled his neck. “For your information,
I
snagged
you
.”

♦

C
aleb and Samuel were lingering in the large corridor outside the courtroom when Max and Carl arrived. “Caleb.” Max hugged the young man. “I’m glad you’re here.” He looked at Samuel, then hugged him as well. “Both of you.”

“We figured Abel could use all the backup he could get,” Caleb said, then shook Carl’s hand, greeting the man.

“Are the others here yet?”

Samuel replied, “Dane and Angel and Maddy are inside.”

“Cole and Gabe haven’t shown up?” Max asked.

“Not yet,” Caleb said.

“Well, I guess we can wait for them inside.” Max nodded towards the courtroom and opened one of the double doors, holding it as Caleb and Samuel entered. Carl started to walk through, when the elevator at the end of the corridor dinged and Horatio and Seth stepped out. Max’s grip on the door handle tightened, causing an ache to swim up his forearm. After his vivid “dream” last night, memories of the past events were bubbling far too close to the surface. His heart pounded louder and harder as Horatio and Seth approached. And the look in the other man’s eyes as he came closer sent Max’s heart and mind reeling. There was “something” there, something more than usual. The same “something” he had seen in Horatio’s eyes last week at the hospital.

“Max,” Horatio nodded, then glanced at Carl. “Carl.”

Max swallowed hard, lips rubbing together anxiously. “It’s good that you came,” he told Horatio. “Abel would want you here.” He looked at the young man lingering at Horatio’s side. “It’s nice to see you again, Seth.”

“Nice to see you too.” Seth spoke low, soft. He looked at Max as if searching for something in the man’s face, his eyes. There was a veiled anguish behind his gaze that tugged at Max’s heart; the boy was clearly eager to love Horatio, but he was no fool, nor was he blind to the way Horatio still looked at Max.

And the way you still look at him
.

“Do you think I could speak to you a moment?” Max asked Horatio, then glanced quickly at Seth and Carl. “Alone? Just for a minute?”

Horatio turned to Seth. “Do you mind?” he asked quietly.

“No, of course not,” Seth murmured, though there was a reluctance in leaving Horatio’s side as he moved towards the door that Max continued to hold open.

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Max told Carl. The man merely nodded and entered the courtroom without protest, and Max closed the door behind them.

“Is everything all right?” Horatio asked.

“Yeah,” Max nodded slowly without meeting the man’s gaze head on. “I just...”

“What?” Horatio frowned when Max faltered and failed to continue. He stepped forward and cupped the side of Max’s neck. “Are you okay, Max?”

The man’s touch was warm, comforting, and still much too “familiar” after all this time. He stepped back slowly, drawing away from his hand gently. “Yeah.” But what exactly had he been meaning to say? Why had he asked to speak to him alone? He was compelled to ask Horatio again what he had wanted to tell him at the hospital, not really sure why he felt the intense need to know. But this was hardly the time to get into that. The trial would be getting underway in less than fifteen minutes.

Max cleared his throat, then rubbed the nape of his neck. “Your attorneys,” he said quietly. “They’re the best?” He met Horatio’s gaze, then wished he hadn’t.
Baby, stop looking at me that way. Don’t you know that it kills me?
Max averted his eyes. “There’s no danger of Abel being convicted, is there?”

“My guys are the best,” Horatio assured. “I wouldn’t have supported any of this if I hadn’t been one hundred percent certain Abel would be cleared of all charges. Abel means everything to me, Max. I would never gamble with his life.”

“I know,” Max murmured, his eyes pulled back to the man’s face. For a quiet moment, they just looked at one another. After twenty years, Max could still see the pain in the man’s eyes. The pain Max had caused when he’d walked out on him with only a note left behind to say goodbye. Whether or not the fault was truly his own, Max blamed himself for Horatio’s promiscuous lifestyle. The man was trying desperately to fill the void Max had left in his life, his heart...though no one else seemed to quite “fit” just right. Maybe Seth would finally be the one.

“Was there something more?” Horatio wondered, a clear note of hopefulness in his tone.

Why was the past pushing in on him so hard all of a sudden? Pulling everything back to the surface? That fucking dream, it had dredged up all the pain, making it hurt so much worse than it had already been.

♦

M
ax ducked his head and blinked quickly. “I, uh...” He cleared his throat. “No, I guess not.”

He hadn’t jerked away from Horatio’s touch, but rather withdrawn with a measure of reluctance.
Don’t go there. It’s too late to try and go back to where you used to be. It was over a long time ago...regardless of what you now know
. The information had come to him too little too late. His throat hurt and he wanted to throw his arms around Max, and something in the way the man was acting, the way he kept looking at him, told Horatio he wouldn’t resist, wouldn’t fight him.

But there was Seth to think about. And Carl.

Why does life have to be such a fucking twisted joke?

“Are you sure?” Horatio murmured, knowing that what he needed to do was turn around and walk away, go into the courtroom and be with Seth. But his feet wouldn’t move as he just stood looking at Max. The man was displaying a strong exterior as always, but behind his eyes he was breaking down.

What the hell do I do, Max? I want to tell you so fucking bad. I want to be the one to make all the pain go away. This isn’t fair!

Max’s gaze was on the floor as tears began to pool and sting in Horatio’s eyes. He looked away. “We should go inside,” he murmured, afraid to raise his voice any louder, as the knot in his throat threatened to crush his words.

“Yeah.” Max swallowed thickly and swept a quick hand over his mouth. A solid wet sheen glazed his eyes.

God, I can’t fucking do this
. Horatio touched Max’s arm as the man took a step towards the door to the courtroom. “Max.” Max hesitated but seemed unwilling to meet his eyes. His head raised when the elevator doors opened and Cole and Gabe stepped out into the corridor.

Horatio caught Max’s stare briefly, his heart pounding, then withdrew his hand.

“Are we late?” Cole asked when they walked up. Gabe’s movements were stiff, his stride slower than usual.

Max cleared his throat and shook his head. “No. It’s just about to start now.” He looked at Gabe. “You should really be at home resting.”

Shrugging, Gabe smirked, “When have I ever done what I should?”

“Good point,” Max murmured with a smile. Horatio’s gaze was caught by that smile; it brought with it too many memories of better days. His eyes lingered on Max’s lips, recalling too vividly the very first time he had tasted Max’s kiss.

* *

“R
ace you to the tree,” Max grinned. The tall grass hissed against their pant legs, tiny burs catching and clinging to the fabric of the slacks. They weren’t supposed to be out here in their school uniforms; it was a house rule to change their clothes as soon as they got home. But today they had taken a detour before ever reaching the large house.