Maxwell: Not Without Guilt (Phoenix Club) (2 page)

“Why?” Max frowned.

Standing at the window, Xavier clasped his hands against the small of his back and turned away. “I was thinking Harvard. You have a lot of potential, Max. Might as well go with the best school.”

Max shifted anxiously. “The University of Maine is fine with me.”

Sighing, Xavier turned around. “You wouldn’t want to go to Harvard?”

A twist of pain knotted Max’s gut. “Harvard is in Massachusetts. I...” Horatio’s face rose in his mind; he hadn’t even wanted Max to take a dorm room at the Maine University...he would lose it if Max went farther away. “I was kind of hoping to stay closer to home.”

“Why?” The look Xavier gave him caused Max to squirm. Something behind the man’s eyes made him increasingly uncomfortable.

“I...” Max stumbled on his words. What excuse could he give? “Well, it’s just, Horatio...”

“I know you two are close,” Xavier said, a sudden strain squeezing his words. “But Horatio has to understand that you’re an adult now and you’ll be going out on your own, making a life for yourself.” Xavier returned to his desk. “I’ve made some calls and secured your acceptance. You’ll be leaving tomorrow morning so you can get there in time to settle in before classes start next week.”

“What?” Max stood up quickly. “Tomorrow?”Hhe shook his head. “I don’t want to go to Harvard, sir. I want to stay here in Maine. Why can’t I?”

“Because I think you and Horatio need to spend some time apart,” Xavier replied with a sharp edge to his voice.

Max stiffened. “Why would you say that?” Did he know about them?

Leaning back in his chair, though not really relaxing, Xavier stared at Max dully. “Yours and Horatio’s relationship isn’t...
healthy.
”

“What?” Max’s heart pounded furiously. “What do you mean our
relationship
isn’t
healthy?
”

“I think the two of you are too close,” Xavier said. “Horatio needs other friends, besides just you. Outside of school, he spends all his time with you.”

Max just looked at him, unsure how to respond. He sank back down into his chair. What he said was true; Horatio didn’t hang out with anyone but Max. He didn’t like the kids at school, and he didn’t have any friends there. But then, Horatio was pretty much the only one in Max’s life as well. But they didn’t care. They liked being alone, being together – why was that
unhealthy?

“You’ve become his
crutch
, Max.”

Max shook his head, fear needling his heart. “I-I don’t understand, sir. What do you mean his
crutch?
”

The man sighed. “You remember how Horatio was when you first came here?” he asked. “His mother had recently passed away. He was withdrawn, not speaking to anyone. It was as if he’d locked himself into his own private world that no one else could get inside of.” He lifted his eyes and looked at Max. “Until you came into our home. Something about you brought him out of that shell, out of that mental isolation. You were good for him, Max.
Then
.” He shook his head. “But now, I realize my mistake in allowing him to cling to you.”

Max stared at him. He didn’t know what the man was getting at, but the dread he was beginning to feel told him it wasn’t good.

“He came out of his shell, Max,” Xavier said, “but only for you. He has no friends, no one he associates with. It’s as if you’re the only person he is truly aware of.”

“He goes to school,” Max pointed out. “He has friends there.” Not true, of course.

“Does he?” Xavier leaned forward. “Why doesn’t he mention them? Why doesn’t he ever bring them home?” He shook his head. “No. He goes to school, but he hasn’t made any friends. He has become dependent on you, Max.
Too
dependent. And that’s not all.”

That’s not all?
Max’s guts twisted. “What?”

“I think,” Xavier rubbed a slow hand over his mouth. “I think Horatio’s...affection...for you isn’t
normal
.”

Max’s heart went into a frenzy. Xavier could see that? He and Horatio tried to be so careful around the man. But even Max could see the way Horatio looked at him – at all times. The boy couldn’t keep it out of his eyes. Max had learned to mask his emotions when in the presence of others, but Horatio didn’t know how to do the same. His love for Max was an unstoppable force, and it exploded in his eyes like fireworks.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Max lied.

Sliding his thumb across his lower lip thoughtfully, Xavier stared at Max and stated bluntly, “I think Horatio is infatuated with you...romantically.”

The shock that spread across Max’s face was surely falsely interpreted by the man, as Max was merely stunned that he had been so forthright about voicing the possibility. “You...” Max frowned, unsure how to respond. “What?”

“I believe Horatio is gay,” Xavier admitted without blinking. Was he okay with that?

“And you think he’s...” Max felt trapped. Did he admit he knew it to be true? Or did he feign ignorance in the matter? “You think he’s in love with me? Why?”

“It actually makes sense,” Xavier said without really answering Max’s question. “He was only eight when he lost his mother, and it traumatized him. You were the first person with whom he felt close after that, and he clung to you. He didn’t let himself explore other
possibilities.
Perhaps for fear of being hurt.”

Other possibilities? Max frowned. “Do you think I’m the reason he’s gay?”

“Don’t misunderstand me, Max,” Xavier said. “I’m not laying blame here. But I do feel that if Horatio had allowed himself to be open with others, rather than just you, then...”

“Then he might have a girlfriend now?” Max stared at him, a bit incredulously.

The man sighed. “I don’t know. But maybe he needs some time to himself to figure out who he is,
without
you.”

The shakes grabbed at Max’s body. “Are you...are you
making
me leave?”

Xavier drove his hand through his hair. “I took you in, Max,” he said, “because you had no other place to go. I gave you a good life, everything you could want or need. But you’re an adult now. Horatio isn’t. And I need to do what I feel is in the best interest of my son.”

Max felt sick. Horatio would lose his mind.
Max
would lose his mind. This couldn’t be happening. “Well...” Max swallowed hard, struggling to keep the tears out of his voice. “If I went to Harvard, I could still come home on the weekends...couldn’t I?”

“Actually I think it would be best, for a while anyway, if you didn’t come around Horatio. These
feelings
that he has for you, they need a chance to fade. And I am positive they will, once he realizes he can be close to others as well.”

Max just stared at the floor.

“You don’t have to worry about money,” Xavier added, as if Max gave a fuck about money right now. “I’ll pay for your college, as I was planning to do, and then you will have a trust fund to carry you through as you build a career and a life for yourself. I’m not kicking you out, Max. I just want what’s best for both you and Horatio.”

This is what’s best?
The tears were there, filling his eyes. Xavier fell silent as Max struggled with his emotions. He tried to blink back the tears, but instead they slipped out and rolled down his cheeks. His face dropped into his hands and sobs shook him. He realized that his reaction was surely puzzling to Xavier; he shouldn’t be this upset. But the man didn’t question him, simply stared at him in thoughtful silence.

Max sniffed and wiped his face, trying to swallow his sobs. He couldn’t just walk out on Horatio – he needed Horatio as much as Horatio needed him.

A long exhalation of breath seeped out of Xavier, and when he spoke this time, there was a slight edge to his voice. “I was trying to do this delicately, Max,” he said, “but we’re both adults here, so I suggest we just cut the shit.”

“What’re you talking about?” Max choked and dragged the back of his hand across his eyes.

“I saw you,” Xavier said bluntly.

“What?” Max stared at him through bleary eyes, heart kicking hard at his ribs. “Saw what?”

Xavier sighed hard, his eyes a storm of troubled emotions. “I saw you kiss Horatio,” he admitted. “The other day, out back of the house. I
saw
you kiss him.”

A sudden dryness invaded Max’s throat as it worked silently, whatever words or excuse he might have spoken sticking against the parched walls.

Releasing another slow, calculated breath, Xavier stared at him, face tight. “
Please
tell me it hasn’t gone any further than that.”

He swallowed quickly three times before trying to speak, but still no words came out. Surely his expression of fear and shock was enough to incriminate him.

“God
dammit
, Max,” Xavier hissed low and drove his hands through his hair, then gripped his head as he stared at his desk. “What the fuck were you...” He sighed again and raised his head, shaking it slowly. “How long?” he asked tightly. “How long has this been going on?”

“A...A few years,” Max whispered.

“A few
years?
” Xavier exclaimed with disbelief.

Max trembled. “I love him,” he blurted out.

“No,” Xavier stood up fast, a quick shake to his head as he waved his finger back and forth. “No. You will end this
now.
Today. And tomorrow,” he shot a stern look at Max. “Tomorrow, you will be on a plane to Harvard.”

Shaking, Max pushed up out of his chair, throat knotting. “I can’t leave him,” he trembled, “Please. If you don’t want us together, in your house, then I’ll get an apartment. Horatio can stay with me. I’ll make sure he still goes to school, that he graduates. I swear. Just please, don’t make me leave him.”

Xavier was at the window again, hand gripping the back of his neck, head ducked. His entire body was rigid with tension. “I’m sorry, Max. But we have an image to uphold.”

“What’re you saying?” Max choked. “You’re sending me away because you don’t want people to know Horatio is
gay?
Are so fucking selfish that you would destroy your own son just to keep up
appearances?
” Max choked on a sob and raked his finger through his hair. “How could you do this? We love each other. I want to
marry
him.”

Xavier was in his face at a moment’s notice, brow furrowed with a hard frown, eyes smoldering. “Get that
out
of your head,” he hissed, and his fist was suddenly clutching the front of Max’s shirt. “Do you hear me?”

“No,” Max cried. “I love him. I won’t leave him just because you’re a
fucking bigot!
”

Xavier’s palm hit his face hard, stinging his eyes with tears. The man’s face was a mask of desperation. “You
will
listen to me, dammit! You stay away from Horatio!”

“
Why?
” Max shouted. “Why do you care if he’s gay? There’s nothing wrong with him! Or me!”

“I don’t give a fuck that he’s gay!” Xavier exploded, and tears welled up suddenly.

Max retreated, staring at the man. Tears streaked Max’s face as streams began to roll down Xavier’s cheeks. “Then why are you doing this?”

“Don’t push this, Max,” Xavier trembled.

“Tell me!”

“
Don’t goddamn push it!
” Xavier cried. “Just leave it alone!”

“
Tell me!
”

♦

“M
ax!” Horatio ran through the knee-high grass to where Max sat, legs drawn up and staring blankly out across the pond. Max didn’t respond as he blinked quickly to try and hide his tears, but he could still feel the wetness in his eyes.

Horatio’s arm caught him around the neck, and the boy tumbled to the ground, laughing, dragging Max over on top of him. Horatio shifted beneath him and wrapped his arms and legs around Max’s body, grinning. “Time to make this birthday a very
happy
birthday, if you know what I mean.” He pushed his crotch up against Max. He was already hard and aching for Max to make love to him.

“Horatio-”

“Oh, get this,” he chuckled. “Mandy Pratt asked if she could be my date for my party tonight. Can you believe it?” He laughed. “Fuck, even if I was into chicks, I wouldn’t date her. She’s such a stuck up bitch.”

“Horatio...”

“I wish Dad wouldn’t throw a party,” Horatio went on. “They aren’t even birthday parties, more like business parties. And he invites the kids from school. I don’t like any of them, they’re all pricks. I just want to spend the rest of today alone with you.” He kissed Max. “All naked and sweaty. Sound good to you?”

Max licked his lips slowly and forced a smile as his throat began to ache. “Yeah, it does.” He couldn’t disguise the thickness in his voice, though he tried desperately. He had asked Xavier to let him be the one to talk to Horatio, but now he didn’t know if he could. What the fuck was he supposed to say?

“What’s wrong?” Horatio frowned as Max pulled out of his arms and sat up again, hugging his knees. When Max didn’t answer right away, Horatio laughed anxiously. “Come on, man, you’re freaking me out. What is it?”

His throat working, Max just stared at the water as it began to shimmer and blur. How could he do this to him on his
birthday?
His lips pressed between his teeth, and the tears thickened.

“Max?” Horatio whispered, a sudden tremor in his voice. He rubbed Max’s knee then leaned close and kissed his arm. “Come on, babe, you’re scaring me for real. What’s going on?”

Max looked at him, and tears were already in the boy’s eyes, worry squeezing his brow. Horatio’s greatest fear was losing Max. Max knew this without him ever having to say it. “Horatio...” Max touched his face and swallowed hard, tears sliding down his face. Horatio’s own tears followed, and Max rubbed them away with his thumb.

“Max, stop it,” he choked softly. “You’re scaring me. Why’re you crying?”

“I need...” Max swallowed again, a sob catching in his throat. “I need to tell you something, Horatio.”

The boy stared at him, real fear in his wet eyes. “It’s my birthday, Max...” His chin trembled. “Don’t tell me something bad. Yesterday, you said you had something
good
to tell me today.”  Horatio pulled Max’s legs down and crawled into his lap, hugging his head, holding him tight. “Just tell me the good thing, Max,” he whispered in his ear, words shaking. “Please.”