Maxwell: Not Without Guilt (Phoenix Club) (3 page)

Max wrapped his arms around the boy and crushed him against his body, his face buried in his neck. The ring pressed into his thigh through the thin fabric of his pocket, the metal like a hot coal burning into his skin, the heat rushing up to sear his heart; it would never touch Horatio’s finger. He could never know how close Max had come to making that proposal.

I can’t tell you the good thing, Horatio. Not today...not ever
.

♦

“A
re you feeling okay?” Carl rolled onto his side and slid his hand up Max’s back.

Max sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his face. “Yeah,” he rasped thickly. “Why?”

“It just seemed you weren’t having a very fitful sleep last night.” He scooted closer and kissed Max’s lower back, then sat up and kissed the nape of his neck. “Did you have bad dreams?”

The worst
, Max thought and leaned on his knees, staring at the carpet. He had woken with an ache in his heart so painful that he’d wanted to jump out the window – convinced that the sudden, hard stop at the bottom was the only thing that would eradicate it. But he couldn’t tell Carl that. He couldn’t tell him about his dreams that weren’t really dreams, but memories. And he couldn’t tell him that, for the last week, since he’d seen Horatio at the hospital – the guy refused to leave his thoughts. Maybe it was that “something important” that he had wanted to tell Max which kept him there. Max had heard it in his voice – it
had
been important. So much so that he had felt Horatio about to burst with the need to tell him.

And then suddenly – it wasn’t important anymore? How could something become so unimportant in such a short period of time?

Like how suddenly the “good thing” you had wanted to tell Horatio on his seventeenth birthday wasn’t so “good” anymore?

“Max?”

Max licked his lower lip slowly. “No,” he lied. “I didn’t have any bad dreams. At least, none I can remember. Maybe I was just restless because of the court thing today.”

Carl sighed and lay down on Max’s pillow, caressing the back of his fingers against Max’s bare hip. “How do you think Abel is going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Max admitted. He pushed thoughts of Horatio away and focused on Abel. “Up until now, it was all just preparation for the trial. Now he has to get up there on the stand and recount in detail his experience at the orphanage, what Craig did to him.” He shook his head and released a breath. “I know he’s over the nightmares, but I just hope this doesn’t bring them back. And Devlin,” Max’s lips tightened, a different ache creeping in. “He has to sit there and listen to the love of his life tell that horror story about the man’s own brother. It’s going to be fucking tough, on them both. And then Savannah...”

“Are they going to put her on the stand too?” Carl scooted up again and looked at Max. “I mean, is that necessary?”

“It might be,” Max murmured. “She was there. A witness to the things Craig did to Abel.”

“Fuck,” Carl breathed. “The shit some kids have to go through, it’s a miracle they even come out of it with a sane mind. Thank God kids are a hell of a lot more resilient than people realize.”

Max nodded slowly. “Yeah,” he whispered. “And those two, they’re tough. But I still hate that they have to dig it all up again. I hope it doesn’t cause adverse effects on Devlin and Abel’s relationship.”

Leaning close, Carl kissed his neck. “I’m sure they’ll be fine. They love each other, for real. Nothing is going to pull them apart.”

No love is impenetrable
, Max thought sickly, flashes from the past snapping through his head.
Even when one was convinced it was.

“You said Abel has Horatio Kaplan’s attorneys trying his case?”

The mention of Horatio sent Max’s heart into a spin. Those dreams –
memories
– last night were so real. He had been right back there again. “Yeah.”

“Is Horatio going to be there?” He asked the question casually, but Max didn’t miss the glitch in his voice. Carl hadn’t been blind to the way he and Horatio had reacted to each other at the hospital last week, though nothing had been said about it.

“Uh, yeah. I’m sure he will,” he said thickly. “Abel is real special to him. He would be there for moral support, if nothing else.” He tried to control his racing heart, keep his breath leveled out. “Abel needs all the support he can get.”

“I feel for those kids,” Carl murmured, “but I suppose the sooner they get to court, the sooner they can get this over with and finally put it behind them.”

Max pushed his hands through his hair. “Yeah,” he whispered. He envied the ones who could put their past to rest and move on. Max wished he could do the same, but it was hard when that “past” met him at every turn, filled up his dreams. And rather than getting weaker over the course of time, it seemed to be getting stronger.

He will get over it, and so will you. You will both move on, make good lives for yourselves, find other people to fall in love with
. Max stared at the floor. He believed Xavier Kaplan had truly convinced himself that was true. That with enough time apart, he and Horatio would let go of each other. Max wondered what the man thought when Horatio didn’t magically become “straight” once Max was gone. How many nights after Max had left had Xavier listened to his heartbroken son cry himself to sleep? Every night, when Max had closed his eyes, he had heard Horatio’s cries, felt his pain in his heart. Or maybe it had just been his own cries and his own pain he had been experiencing.

When Carl’s arms slid around him, he closed his eyes tight and covered the man’s hands with his own.
Just let it go
, he told himself.
Horatio has someone in his life now, and so do you. Just let the past finally
rest
.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Carl whispered and kissed the curve of his neck. Fear tainted his voice.

“Yeah,” Max rasped then cleared his throat. He twisted his head and kissed Carl on the mouth. “I’m fine.” He stood up and swept his hand through his hair again. “I’m going to take a shower, then get ready for court. I called in Riley to take your place at the club.” He looked at Carl as the man leaned back on his elbows against the pillows, his beautiful nude body barely covered by the sheet. “I would like for you to be there too.”

“Of course,” Carl nodded.

Max gazed at him a moment, nodded, then turned towards the bedroom door. He paused and looked at Carl again, then smiled. “You want to wash my back?”

A slow smile curved Carl’s lips, and he left the bed. “I thought you’d never ask.”

♦

H
oratio stared at his reflection as he fastened the tie without thinking about it. He looked through his image, seeing Max’s face staring back at him rather than his own. He had tried to throw away the documents and knew it was what he needed to do. But they were back in his safe. His fingers slowed until he stood motionless, body tense. The merciless ache that had crawled into his heart the moment he’d laid eyes on those papers now throbbed and pulsed at the thought of seeing Max today. He knew he needed to get out of the country, away from Max before he lost what little strength of will he had and went to the man, telling him everything. But he couldn’t leave yet. He had to be here for Abel.

“Do you think everything will go all right?” Seth appeared in the mirror behind him, dressed in a navy blue suit Horatio had purchased for him while overseas. His black hair was combed with a stylish wave, his green eyes holding Horatio’s stare. For a quick moment, he saw Max, and that ache veined around his heart. The night before Max had left, the night of Horatio’s seventeenth birthday party – he remembered like yesterday. Max had been upset all day, and that night, when Horatio had tried to kiss him...Max had turned him away.
Sent
him away.

Tears started to burn, and Horatio swallowed thickly, blinking quickly. “I have some of the best attorneys representing Abel.” He turned around. “Everything should go fine.” He absently straightened the lapels of Seth’s suit. “You look very handsome.”

Seth smiled, but the uncertainty from the night at the hospital remained in his lovely eyes. “You too.”

Horatio kissed him then rubbed his thumb across his cheek. “I’m glad you’re coming with me. It won’t be easy having to watch Abel on the stand. He went through some real bad shit.” Horatio had been honest with Seth about his time spent with Abel. The boy knew that Abel would always hold a part of his heart. But it wasn’t Abel who put that fear in Seth’s eyes.

“Anyone who matters to you,” Seth said softly, “matters to me too.”

Kissing him warmly, Horatio murmured, “You’re too good for me, you know that?”

Seth fingered Horatio’s tie. “Are you suggesting I cut you loose and look elsewhere?” He smiled and to some degree was just playing, but there was a note of seriousness behind his words.

“Oh, hell no,” Horatio chuckled low then kissed him again. “Don’t you dare.”

With a wavering smile on his lips, Seth slipped his arms up around Horatio’s neck and hugged him. “As long as I’m what you want,” he whispered, “I’ll stay.”

Horatio wrapped his arms around the young man and pulled him tight against his body, kissing his ear. “You are.”

Seth didn’t reply and held him tighter.

♦

“A
re you sure you’re up for this?” Cole asked doubtfully. Gabe’s movements were slow, sticky, as he buttoned his shirt, and Cole took over. “Let me do this.” His fingers worked more smoothly, slipping each tiny white button through the appropriate hole. He met Gabe’s stare; the man had only been out of the hospital a couple days and was ordered by Doctor Michaels, as well as Devlin, to get plenty of rest and take it easy. “You don’t have to go. Abel doesn’t expect you to be there, not after what you’ve been through.”

“Fuck that.” Gabe held his eyes. “There’s no way in hell I’m not going to be there for him. I’m fine. I’m just going be sitting on a bench anyway.”

“I know,” Cole murmured as he finished buttoning the shirt, then brushed his hands down the front, straightening the garment. “I just don’t want you to overdo it so soon out of the hospital.”

Gabe snaked his arms around Cole’s waist and tugged him closer. “I’m in more danger of overdoing it here in the apartment with you.”

“Mm-hm,” Cole smiled then kissed him. “But that isn’t going to happen.” His rubbed his hands down over his rear and squeezed lightly. “Not for a while yet, anyway.” He grinned and slipped his tongue into Gabe’s mouth, kissing him with repressed passion that longed to run wild.

Gabe panted when he broke away. “You keep doing that,” he groaned, “and injured or not, I’ll be attacking your ass.” He chuckled. “Literally.”

Cole shook his head and grinned. “Well then, I guess I’ll have to stop doing that, huh?”

“Not on your life,” Gabe growled and kissed him.

Not on your life. Cole had caught himself just staring at Gabe from time to time since he’d come home, thanking God every second of every day that Quint’s bullet hadn’t struck a centimeter lower. In his own head, he’d been certain Gabe was gone as he’d held him in his arms on the floor of the club, Gabe’s blood slicking his hands. And now, just a few days later, here he stood, almost as good as new.

And when he thought of the things he had been doing while Gabe was being abused and tortured – it still gouged at his heart, filled him with guilt and remorse, and at times...a bit of self-hatred. When Gabe had needed him the most, he had turned his back on the man. It didn’t matter that Gabe understood, that Cole had had every right to think the things he had. All he could see was that he hadn’t been there; he hadn’t had Gabe’s back.

“Don’t do that,” Gabe murmured. He leaned forward and touched his head to Cole’s brow. “I hate it when you get that look in your eyes. It’s over, Cole. You’re not at fault, so stop blaming yourself.” He cupped Cole’s face and kissed his mouth, then pulled him into his arms.

Cole held him tight. “I almost lost you,” he whispered. “I don’t think I can ever stop blaming myself for that.”

“Cole...” Gabe rubbed his back soothingly. “You will get over it when you realize there was nothing you could have done. You would have been the one to get hurt had you tried to help me.” He kissed his ear. “And I wasn’t about to risk that. I would suffer a thousand times over to keep you safe.”

His throat tight, Cole asked thickly, “And this is supposed to make me feel
less
to blame?” He drew back and smiled.

“Yes,” Gabe nodded and kissed him. “Now finish getting dressed. We don’t want to be late.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I like that,” Gabe smirked. “Are you gonna call me ‘sir’ after we’re married?”

Cole winked, “Only if it will get me sexual favors.”

“Oh, indeed,” Gabe assured.

After we’re married.
Cole smiled as his heart fluttered against his ribs. He hadn’t been certain whether what Gabe had said to him in the hospital had qualified as a proposal, and they hadn’t said much else about it afterwards. But the way Gabe was looking at him now, he knew it was for real; Gabe had every intention of making Cole his husband.

The thought overwhelmed him with love for the man, but also brought with it an anxious dread; Cole had fucked Faron Ryland without any protection. He had thought it was over, everything between him and Gabe, and he hadn’t given a shit about anything at that point in time. But now...
now
it mattered. He thought about Savannah, the sickness within her. What if her fate became his own? What would that do to him and Gabe?

♦

T
he aroma of fresh coffee and strawberry waffles reached Abel down the hall before he set foot in the kitchen. When he entered the room, Savannah sat with a plate in front of her, taking mini bites of her waffles, eyes distant as she stared blankly at the table.

“Morning, beautiful.” Abel smiled at her when she glanced up. She was dreading this day even more than him, if that were possible.