Maxwell: Not Without Guilt (Phoenix Club) (17 page)

He had overheard Max’s words to Seth. Maybe he
was
just a ghost, haunting Max’s life.

Maybe he had died for real the day Max left him.

♦

N
erves twisted Horatio’s guts up tight, hurting his stomach. When he’d left for school that morning, he had stopped by Max’s room, but his door had been locked. He’d knocked, but Max hadn’t let him in. Horatio had left the house in tears and considered skipping school. But if all this was because his dad was mad at them, then he didn’t want to make him any angrier by ditching classes.

All day, he’d felt sick to his stomach, and had to run to the restroom between classes once to throw up. He hadn’t been able to eat lunch or concentrate on anything but Max. He just wanted to get home, make Max tell him what was wrong, and they would make love, and everything would be good again – as it always was when they made love.

He ran up the front steps and burst through door, tossing his school bag on the floor in the foyer, then raced for the stairs.

“Horatio!” His dad came out of his study about the time Horatio’s foot hit the first step. “Horatio, I need to speak to you.”

“I have to talk to Max!” Horatio ignored his father when the man hollered after him, telling him to come back, and bounded up the wide staircase. The hard soles of his dress shoes hit dully against the thick hall carpet as he ran to Max’s bedroom and threw open the door.

“Max!” Horatio was already in the room when he came to a dead stop, heart pounding. The room was empty.
Empty.
All Max’s things – gone. “Max...” Horatio trembled, then rushed forward and pulled open the doors to the walk-in closet. Some of his clothes remained – but too many were missing. He turned around, heart beating wildly, in a panic.

All the little personal things were gone.

Horatio’s breath came quick, rushing in and out of his lungs too fast, dizziness overwhelming him. “Max?” His legs were weak as he went to the hall. One arm curled around his waist as the sobs began to swell. He half ran, half stumbled to the head of the staircase. “Max!”

He ran down the stairs and burst into his dad’s study. “Where is he?” he cried, tears streaming.

“Horatio, sit down,” Xavier said. “We need to talk-”

“
Where is he?
” he screamed, then choked on a rush of sobs. “You did this! You made him leave, didn’t you?
Didn’t you?
”

“Horatio, calm down.”

“Where is he?” he cried. “Where did he go? I’m not staying here with you! I want to go with Max!
Where is he?
” When his dad just looked at him, his brow knit in sympathy, Horatio jerked away and went for the door.

His dad caught hold of his arm before he made it out of the room and pulled him back, closing the door. Horatio fought his grip.

“Let me go! I have to find Max! He can’t leave me here! He wouldn’t do that!” Horatio stumbled back from his dad, crying. “You told him to leave,
didn’t you?
”

“Yes,” Xavier admitted sharply. “I had to, Horatio.”

“Bullshit!” Horatio cried. “You just don’t want us to be together! Well, I don’t give a fuck what you want! I’m going to find him!”

Xavier had another grip on him before he could make a move. “Sit
down
, Horatio.”

“No!”

“You can’t go after him! You can’t be with him!”

“
Yes I can!
” he screamed at him. “Let me go,
you fuck!
”

“Sit down!” his dad shouted and shoved him into the chair before his desk and held him there. “You will sit here and you will listen, do you hear me?”

Horatio shook with sobs, but finally nodded. His dad drew back and leaned against the edge of the desk and shoved his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, Horatio,” he whispered. “I am. I know how much Max means to you. But...”

“I don’t care what you say,” Horatio looked up, face tight, eyes brimming. “I’m going to find him, and I’m going to be with him.”

Xavier sighed and gripped the front of the desk. “You’re going to
listen
, Horatio,” he said with an air of authority. “And then you’re going to go on with your life. You will be upset for a while, and that’s understandable. But you will move on.”

“No,” Horatio choked softly and dropped his head in his hands. “I won’t.” He squeezed his eyes shut and cried quietly.

Xavier moved to the other side of his desk and sat down, leaning on his elbows. Horatio felt his eyes on him but refused to look at the man. He made Max leave – Horatio never wanted to look at him ever again. He didn’t care what he had to say; it wouldn’t change anything. He would find Max, and everything would be okay. They would be away from his dad, and everything would be okay. It had to be. It
had
to.

“Horatio,” Xavier started slowly, “I need to tell you something that I had hoped I would never have to tell anyone.” His voice lowered. “Especially you and Max.”

His eyes on the floor, Horatio’s fingernails gouged his scalp as he watched the tears drip off his face and drop onto the carpet, darkening the fine threads before seeping in and fading. Maybe Max would come back. He wouldn’t really leave like this – he had
promised
he would never leave him behind, that he would take him with him when he left. His tears thickened and dripped out more quickly as he thought about last night, about Max telling him not to touch him, pushing him away. Never in his life had Max pushed him away. His hands slipped down over his face as the sobs shook him harder.

“Son,” There was a strain of emotion in Xavier’s voice. “Horatio, you have to listen. This is important.”

Horatio choked on a cry and shook his head. “Max is the only thing that’s important to me. And you made him leave. Why should I give a damn what you have to say?”

The man sighed hard and went on without attempting to answer his question. “When I was in my early twenties,” he said quietly, “my mom – your grandmother – died in a car accident. My dad...” Xavier faded off for a moment before resuming. “He wasn’t the kind of man who did well on his own. Within a year, he remarried. To a very young woman, barely twenty-one years old. She was...” He shook his head slowly and whispered, “She was beautiful, glamorous. Like a movie star. I’d never met a woman like her before.”

I don’t fucking care!
Horatio bit back the words. He wanted to go look for Max. Maybe he just went into town but didn’t actually leave. What if he was waiting somewhere for Horatio to come find him? They could just get in his car and drive away and never be apart again. His heart began to pound with a glimmer of hope; maybe he had just pretended to leave, made Horatio’s dad
think
he was leaving, but he wasn’t really gone. Would he sneak back in tonight and have Horatio go with him? He
would
come back for him...he had to.
He loves you, he won’t just leave without a word. He won’t
.

“I became enamored with the woman,” Xavier went on, as if he actually believed Horatio were listening. “I couldn’t help myself.”

What the hell did this have to do with him? Horatio wondered, anxious to get out of there. Max would be back, and he needed to be ready to go when he showed up. Horatio wasn’t in the habit of speaking disrespectfully to his father, but it seemed the man was speaking random garble.

“Can you get to the point?” Horatio mumbled, still staring at the floor, his throat hurting. He didn’t give a fuck what “the point” was, but the sooner his dad made it, the sooner he could leave.

“I am getting to the point, Horatio,” Xavier said stiffly, his eyes troubled. He shifted in his chair and continued. “As I said, I became enamored with her. But the longer I was around her...” He swallowed hard and slid his tongue over his lower lip, a distant, uneasy look on his face. “She became my obsession.” He shook his head. “I tried not to think about her, view her as my father’s wife. But there was no way I could see her as my
stepmother.
She was younger than myself, for crying out loud.” His fingers slid slowly through his hair as his eyes began to gloss over. “One night, after a dinner party she and my father had thrown for some business colleagues, I’d had too much wine, and I...” He halted abruptly, just staring at his desk.

Horatio looked up slowly, warm tears seeping down his cheeks.

“I went to her room.” He dragged his hand over his mouth. The glow of the lamp on his desk glimmered off the film of tears in his eyes. “My father had driven one of the guests home, because he’d had too much to drink. It was just her and me in the house.”

Why his dad was telling him this, he hadn’t a clue. But he was pretty sure where he knew what the man was about to say.

“She told me to leave, to get out of her room, but,” he shook his head. “I wouldn’t go. I confessed my love for her, my desires, and then...” His eyes closed, and he lowered his head. “I...forced myself on her.”

Swallowing thickly, Horatio’s brow pinched hard. “You...you
raped
her?”

Obviously the man hadn’t been willing to use that word, but that’s what he was saying.

Xavier looked up, tears thick. “I hated myself for it, and I couldn’t face what I’d done.” He sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “When she told my dad, I tried to deny it, but he knew I was lying. He disowned me right then and there and eradicated me from his life. I’ll never understand why, but...he never cut me off from the family fortune. But I never saw him again. A short while later, I met your mother and fell in love – for real. I never told her any of what happened before. I never told anyone.” He looked at Horatio. “Until yesterday...when I told Max.”

What the hell was the point of this story? Horatio stared at him. “Why...why would you tell Max?” he whispered. “Or me?”

Xavier released a slow breath. “Because that woman, Lillian...” his throat worked, eyes wavering from Horatio’s stare. “She was Max’s mother.”

Horatio’s breath quickened, his mind fragmented by Max’s sudden departure and unable to put the pieces together properly. “I-I don’t understand. What’re you trying to say?”

“Horatio...” Xavier’s lips tightened, pain in his eyes. “When Lillian and my dad left...she was pregnant.”

Shaking his head slowly, Horatio frowned. “What? So-” He caught himself and just stared at his dad.

“She was
Max’s
mother, Horatio,” he said slowly, pointedly. “And she was pregnant with Max.”

Horatio’s mind tried to evade the reality of what he was saying, but as his father just looked at him, the meaning of his words began to punch at his heart. Fresh tears rose up. “You’re saying that you...that you’re Max’s...” He couldn’t get the word out. This couldn’t be true.
It couldn’t!

“Honestly,” Xavier murmured, “I don’t know for sure. Lillian never knew if Max was mine or my father’s. And that’s the
only
thing that prevented her from having an abortion. She loved my father very much, and she couldn’t take the chance that he wasn’t his. But either way, son...” He gazed at Horatio, letting the full reality sink in.

Either way...Max is related by blood
.

Shaking his head, Horatio stumbled out of his chair. “No,” he choked. “You’re lying. You’re making this up. You would have told us, when Max first came here. You would’ve told us that we were...” Tears rushed down his face.

“I should have,” Xavier whispered. “I’m sorry. I never forgave myself for what I did. I was ashamed, Horatio. And when I saw Max, it made it even worse. So I told you his mom was just a friend of the family. Maybe that’s what I wanted to believe, that she wasn’t the same woman I had...”

“That you raped!” Horatio cried. “This is your fault! All of it! Max is gone because of you!
I hate you! You motherfucker! You can’t take him away from me like this!”
Horatio backed towards the door, shaking, hands squeezed into fists and jaw clenched. “I don’t care what you say! I don’t care about any of this! I love him!
This isn’t fair!
” he screamed. “
We shouldn’t have to pay for your fucking sins!
” He grabbed the door and jerked it open. “I’m going to find him,” he choked on his cries. “He loves me! None of this will matter!”

“It does matter, Horatio!” Xavier was on his feet but remained behind his desk. “It matters to
Max
.”

“No!” Horatio shook his head, crying. “He loves me! He’ll let us be together –
he will!
He’ll come back for me!”

Horatio ran from the room, his father’s fatal words on his heels. “Max isn’t coming back!”

The knee-high grass slapped against his slacks as he ran for the pond.
He’ll be there. He will. Just like every day. He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t! He promised!

Tears blurred his vision and he swiped at his eyes, nearly stumbling as the grass tried to twist around his feet. The pond came into view, and he ran harder, sobs breaking in his throat. His chest felt like it would explode as his heart pounded against his ribs.
Be here. Please be here. Please, Max.

His feet slowed as he neared the pond. He searched all around frantically, then raced to the large sycamore at the edge of the pond, where he and Max would climb up on the limbs and just watch the sun or the moonlight sparkle on the water. But Max wasn’t up there waiting for him. He wasn’t anywhere.

“Max!” he cried. “
Max!”
He dropped to his knees on the bed of grass where they always made love, where they laid under the stars and talked about the future, about all the things they would do together, where Max had promised to love him for life or longer.

Where he had promised to marry him one day.

Horatio lay down and buried his face in his arms, crying, his heart coming apart piece by piece.

“Max...I love you...don’t leave me...you promised...you promised.”

~~~

THE PHOENIX CLUB SERIES:

ABEL

It Can’t Be You

Hearts In Chaos

Shattered

CALEB

When Worlds Collide

Torn In Two