Marked by Grief (8 page)

Jason chuckled. "I've wanted you for years, Kit. I can force myself to wait a little while longer."

Kit was shocked. He'd never even known Jason was gay, much less that he'd actualy wanted him too. "I had no idea."

Jason nodded. "You weren't supposed to. I had this idea I'd approach you someday. And then the accident happened and I figured you had enough on your plate without me adding to the mix. I get that I was wrong now, and I'm sorry for it."

Kit wrapped his arms around Jason's waist and pressed his face against the warmth of his stomach.

"Yeah, you were realy off on that one." Jason's hands dropped to Kit's shoulders and held him gently until Kit puled away. "May I lick them?" Kit asked, his mouth going dry at the thought.

"A lick is a touch," Jason said, much to Kit's relief.

Kit looked up into those impossibly dark eyes one more time before he bent his head and ran his tongue over the cool metal. Jason's hands tightened on his shoulders, encouraging him even as Kit began to lave his tongue over his sensitive nipple. Kit's desire climbed with each gasp of pleasure that came from Jason's lips. He reached between his legs and rubbed his aching cock through his jeans, trying to relieve some of the pressure. Jason took his wrist though, puling his hand away as he sat back down next to him.

"I wasn't done," Kit complained.

"And I didn't give you permission to touch yourself." He took a long drink of his milkshake before changing the music.

Kit could only stare at him incredulously as Bush started playing. "You mean I can't come without your say so? What the hel kind of rule is that?"

Jason narrowed his eyes. "Mine. And it's a strict one. If you don't like it I wil put on a movie or take you home." When Kit hesitated to answer him, Jason said, "I asked you a question, Kit."

Kit nodded and rubbed his arms. "I don't want to go home. And I don't want to watch a movie. I just…" He shrugged. "I'm not good at this stuff in general. And there are rules now? I don't remember there being rules."

Jason chuckled. "Eat your burger while I explain some things to you." Kit quickly took a bite as Jason held up the bit of gray leather on his wrist for Kit to see. "This band is for when I go to the gay club about an hour away. It tels the other guys what I like and who I am as far as sex goes. Gray means I like bondage, wearing it on my left wrist means I'm always the dominant one." Kit gulped nervously. Jason was certainly ful of surprises today and he didn't know if he was ready to hear them al. "It's not always going to be a band like I wear. You'l see guys with handkerchiefs or key chains. Hel, I've even given a few tattoos to guys from the club. There's lots of colors and meanings though."

"Like what?"

Jason shook his head. "I won't get into al of them with you. Stay away from brown, yelow or red on either wrist. Gray and black on the right wrist wil do nothing for you. Black on the left may hurt you, but you may like that particular side of sex. I wil come with you to the club for the first few times. I wil even be there when another Dom takes you somewhere. You aren't going to get hurt unless it's a pain you like. I'l keep you as safe as you want me to, for as long as you want me to."

"But what if I don't want anyone but you? What color do I wear then?" Kit said as he scooted closer to Jason. Why couldn't he see Kit only wanted to be with him? Why did he have to talk about him being with someone else as if he couldn't wait to get rid of him?

Jason looked away. "We'l talk about that after tonight. No promises until you see exactly what it means to be mine."

Kit was furious as he jumped to his feet. "Wait and see? Is that al you have to say? I've fucking loved you for years and you're treating me like a goddamn child!" He was on the verge of hot, angry tears and al Jason could do was stare up at him like he'd lost his goddamn mind. "I hate you," he whimpered, crumbling back down to the couch. He didn't want to be there anymore, didn't want to be near Jason. The man he loved wanted to give him to someone else. Kit felt dirty and used. He didn't want to be trained like a dog and then shared at some sex club. And with Jason watching too? He shook as he puled himself into a bal at the edge of the couch, as far away from the other man as he could manage.

And then Jason was there, wrapping his arms around him, leaning into him. Kit closed his eyes, wiling him away. He put his hands over his ears and kicked Jason away. He didn't want to hear the man's pain if he actualy made contact. But he was quickly trapped under him as Jason put a muscular thigh on the outside of his legs, pinning him in place. Kit struggled, bucking under him, but it was no use against Jason's much larger size. And he had very little energy left to fight him.

It was only once he had gone stil that Kit felt Jason get off of him. He opened his eyes and blinked.

Jason was kneeling in front of him, looking nearly as sad as he had the day of the funeral. "Jason?"

"Shh, just relax." His hand came up to Kit's neck, rubbing him gently. "Do you realy want to stay here tonight? Experience what I want to show you? It won't be easy and it may even be uncomfortable."

Kit bit his lip. He wanted Jason. He could never be bad or wrong, he was just Jason. And he'd always been the best person Kit knew outside of Bear. "What are you going to do to me?"

Jason pursed his lips and sighed before he stood up. "Come with me. And bring your burger. It blows my mind that you're stil working on it. You wil be done with it before we go further."

He took a step back, giving Kit the space he needed to get the cheeseburger and stand up next to him. He felt weak as he swayed, but Jason was quick to put a steadying arm around his shoulders as he led him to the bedroom. His large bed looked comfortable and inviting and Kit immediately crawled onto it.

"Uh-uh," Jason scolded him. "You don't eat food in my bed. Sit up on the side and finish your burger." Kit groaned in displeasure but forced his weak body to do as he was told. His burger had gone cold but he ate it anyway, nibbling on it as best he could without any appetite to sustain him. "You need the calories so get working."

"I don't see why I have to eat," Kit whispered.

"What's the point now Bear's gone?"

"I can't lose you both." Kit looked up at him, afraid he'd heard wrong, but as he saw Jason watching him intently, he understood. "You need to eat Kit.

Wasting away isn't the answer to your pain."

Kit nodded. He was right. He'd been getting weaker these past few months, but eating took so much effort most days. Jason left the room and quickly returned with Kit's milkshake. "Finish this too." He plopped it down on the nightstand next to Kit's hip. Kit roled his eyes but managed to take a sip in between bites.

"Now, keep eating while I show you some things. Not everything wil be what you like so we would have to experiment a little bit. But there are some basics I always use." Jason started puling various items out of his dresser drawer. Kit didn't recognize most of them, but when he saw the padded handcuffs come out, he chuckled.

"You realy are kinky," he said as he reached out to touch them. They were soft leather, obviously expensive, with fine fluffy material on the inside and a series of chain loops to connect them.

Jason laughed and puled out the last item. He laid the thing down beside Kit on the bed, and though he stared at it for a good while, Kit stil couldn't figure out what the thing was caled. It had a long leather wrapped handle and strands of leather coming out of the base.

"Flogger," Jason told him as he sat down on the bed with him. The things were between them and Kit watched as Jason stroked over the long strands of the thing he caled a flogger. "It has lots of strands, they can be soft like a caress or they can sting. It al depends on the Dom and how he wants to use it for the kind of reaction he's seeking. This one is yak leather, very soft and very fine. Used by me, one like this won't make you bleed but it wil leave marks on your skin. A cat, or cat o' nine tails, is similar but it has fewer strands and they're usualy thicker. Sometimes cats even have a smal bit of extra pointed leather or even a barb at the end. They hurt more. There's very little caress with them and far more scratches. I don't own a cat and I don't like to use them. Blood is never something I like to see from my sub."

Kit nodded, folowing as best he could, until Jason had said "his sub." Kit looked up at him, his mouth set into a hard line. There it was again. That distinction of the men Jason would have sex with, lots of them if Kit had to guess since he seemed so experienced, and then Kit. Who Jason would kiss and touch but wouldn't address directly when talking about sex. "I want to be your sub," Kit said boldly.

Jason's lips cracked into a smile. "You don't know the first thing about being a submissive. But it's a nice compliment, thank you." Kit huffed angrily as Jason went on to the next item. "Handcuffs, which I'm sure you could figure out. I like my subs bound." Kit retold that sentence to himself his own way, getting rid of "my subs." He didn't want to think about Jason with other men.

"And how would you use that on me?" Kit asked, pointing to a red bal with straps attached to it.

Jason's eyes narrowed at him. "I would have my sub wear this gag in his mouth to keep him quiet."

"Think it would fit me?" Kit pressed him.

"Keep pushing me and you'l find out. Now eat your burger."

Kit grinned as he took another bite. He knew the look Jason was giving him, and the tone of voice he was using. He had managed to frustrate him. And that made Kit happy for some reason he couldn't explain.

He finished the last of the burger and tossed his wrapper into the nearby trashcan.

"Milkshake too." Jason handed the drink to him. Kit bit back a sigh and forced himself to drink it. It was too sweet but at least it had melted for the most part. He drank it as fast as possible until he reached the end with a loud slurp that made Jason grin. He threw the empty container away in the trash. Then he looked at Jason expectantly. He'd done what he wanted. So now what?

Jason handed him his cel, open and ready to cal his mother. "Tel her you're spending the night. If you decide not to, that's fine. And I wil take you home.

But she should at least have some idea of what your plans are."

Kit bit the inside of his cheek and looked away.

He didn't want to talk to his mom. He hadn't realy since the accident. Since he'd caled her right after dialing 911. She'd been upset and he could rationalize that now. But he stil remembered her words to him that night as he lay there on the side of the road, holding Bear's lifeless body in his arms, and wanting nothing more than to have his mom with him, teling him it was al some fucked up nightmare. He'd needed to hear that Bear wasn't dead. And she'd yeled at him.

"Kit," Jason pressed. Kit hung his head. He was a coward who couldn't even tel his mom he was spending the night somewhere.

"She won't care," he muttered as he puled his knees up to his chest.

Jason sighed and shook his head. "She loves you, Kit."

"She hates me," Kit countered angrily. He wiped his eyes as tears started faling again. Great. He was crying again. No wonder Jason thought he was a goddamn child with the way he bawled.

"Your mom doesn't hate you, Kit. Both of your parents love you. You're al they have now." Jason sounded so sure of himself and Kit wanted to believe him. Realy he did. Life would be so much simpler if he could just believe everything Jason thought was true.

But he couldn't.

"She blames me," Kit said brokenly. He hugged his head, not wanting to hear the words he'd spoken.

But they were out there anyway. And he couldn't hide from the truth in them. "Bear died protecting me."

Jason's mouth was a warm caress against his own. Kit gave into that comfort easily, letting him get lost in the salty taste of Jason's kiss as he let the larger man lay him down on the bed. It was so easy to want what he was offering, to give in to the peace.

Until Jason had to ruin it by puling away. Kit looked up into those onyx eyes, seeing the pain there and hating how his choices that night had hurt him. "I should have grabbed him," Kit whimpered. Jason carefuly wiped away his tears with the pad of a rough thumb. "It's my fault." He tried to curl into a bal, to cry as he held himself like he'd done so many nights since then.

But Jason's weight against him prevented it. He tried again but Jason shifted his body, holding him down even more effectively. He'd been a wrestler in high school and apparently hadn't forgotten anything. Kit muttered out a curse as he bucked his hips against him in one last futile attempt to get him off but Jason only shook his head. "You'd need another forty pounds of muscle and some actual technique to get me off of you right now, Kit. So stop trying, you're just wasting your energy. Now that I have you here and you can't get away, we're going to talk about this bulshit."

Kit scowled at him. He didn't want to talk about it.

"Bear pushed your sorry, ungrateful ass out of the way because he loved you. Even if he didn't love you, he stil would have done it. Because that's the kind of hero macho bulshit Bear did every damn day. And you weren't driving that truck. You weren't drinking.