Marked by Grief (3 page)

Jason said, hating the way it sounded. That wasn't justice and his best friend deserved better. Hel, Kit deserved better.

He watched as Kit nodded but his eyes were no longer focused on Jason. He turned to see what had caught his attention but quickly looked away. Though the tattoo was wel done, that picture reminded him of things he wished not to dwel on right then.

"It's a bear," Kit said.

Jason nodded. It was a grizzly. A black and white tattoo of a bear's face. It was artistic and tasteful, the bear looking serene instead of the far more common angry bear tattoos people often requested.

"I want that. For Bear. And I want it now."

Jason's gaze quickly shot up. "Whoa. Hold up.

You've never gotten a tattoo. There's a thought process involved here. Tattoos are permanent."

Kit gave him look. "Wel, duh." His gaze traveled meaningfuly over the ful sleeves Jason covered with a long-sleeved shirt. He'd gotten more since the last time they'd al gone swimming, but Kit didn't know about those. He'd regretted a few of his first ones but those had long ago been blended into the larger picture on his back. He kept the important ones on his arms, where he could see them every day and be reminded of what they stood for.

"If you won't do it, then I'l find someone else who wil."

Kit hopped off the tattooing table. He got a few steps closer to the door before Jason hooked an arm around his narrow chest, lifting him off his feet and putting him back down on the table with a loud thud, the table shaking beneath them.

Jason held him there for a moment, not moving as Kit panted wildly beneath him. He'd never handled him roughly before. In fact, he'd done his best to only touch him when absolutely necessary since Kit had turned eighteen and he'd fuly realized his attraction to the younger man. He felt Kit shudder under his arm and looked over to see him staring wide-eyed back at him.

"Sorry," Jason muttered as he forced himself to stand up, taking his weight off of Kit's chest. He watched as the man visibly swalowed and shifted away from him. Damn. He didn't want that look in the man's eyes. Kit was wary of him and Jason instantly felt guilty because of it.

"Your brother made me promise the only one who would ever put ink on you would be me. He knew I'd take care of you," Jason explained as he took his seat on the stool.

Kit slowly sat up and rubbed his chest where Jason had held him down. Jason's face pinched as another wave of guilt hit him hard. "I stil want it. The bear, I mean. And…" He took a deep breath and went stil. "You can do it." His gaze shifted, locking with Jason's. He'd never seen those briliant green eyes so angry. "But you don't ever get to touch me like that again."

Jason nodded, feeling like shit and deserving every ounce of it. He shouldn't have touched him, shouldn't have forced him and should definitely never have slammed him like he did. "Damn, Kit. I'm sorry.

Won't ever happen again. Swear."

Kit nodded and looked away. His shoulders hunched and rounded as Jason got up and puled a clipboard out of the cabinet. Jason slid it over to him, making sure it was near his fingertips on the table. "I need you to fil that out. Liability reasons. I'l give you a few minutes. If you're stil here when I get back, then I'l give you the tattoo. If you're not… wel, I understand.

And I'm sorry Kit. Again. You deserved better and you've gotten the shit end of life these past few months.

You've got every right to be angry at me and the rest of the world right about now. Just, damn, eat something wil you? You're walking bones." With that he quickly left the room, feeling as if he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Kit watched Jason from beneath hooded eyes and flinched when the door closed with a loud snick behind him. Months ago a tackle like that wouldn't have even fazed him. Now, though, his chest ached as if he'd been thrown without padding. And he supposed that's exactly what had happened. What the hel had that been? Jason had never realy been affectionate with him, not like he'd been with Bear, but he'd never been violent either.

He should leave. He should get off his ass, say a nice little "fuck you" to Jason, and never see the man again. But his gaze drifted to the bear. It was stupid but that bear reminded him of his brother. And not just in the name. Its face was calm and confident. Just like his brother had been. His favorite quote had been from Yoda—"do or do not, there is no try." Bear's love for
Star Wars
had always surprised the girls he'd dated, but Kit remembered the nights they'd spent watching the series and loudly debating the benefits of being a Sith until their parents had come downstairs and told them both to go to bed.

Bear had loved Yoda's quote and life had been just that simple to him. He either did something or he didn't. He never made promises he couldn't keep and he didn't do anything half-assed. Damn, he missed his brother. He puled his knees up to his chest and hooked his arms around his ankles. Bear would've decked Jason for handling him like that. Jason was bigger than his brother had been, and he seemed to have added even more muscle since the funeral but Kit was sure Bear would have won.

The door cracked open and Jason poked his head around. "You're stil here." He sounded surprised.

Kit roled his eyes. He didn't have it in him to leave.

What little energy he'd started the day off with was quickly fading. And he wanted that tattoo. Bear had been right in making Jason promise to give him his tattoos one day. Jason was the best Kit knew, and he didn't think that just because he was in love with the man.

Jason approached the table and Kit watched him come closer, trying to calm his beating heart.

"Why'd you grab me?"

He watched as Jason picked up the clipboard.

He hadn't touched it and the man put it off to the side as he took a seat on the stool beside him. "Would you believe it was an accident and my arm just happened to wrap around you?"

Kit snorted. "And you just happened to body slam me?"

Jason's face colored and he looked away.

"Yeah… Sorry's not good enough but it's al I've got, Kit."

He shrugged. "And I just want a reason."

Jason ran both hands through his messy black hair. Kit had to stop himself from reaching out and touching those soft strands. Instead he baled his hand into a fist in his lap. Jason took a breath before he said, "I didn't want you to leave." Kit was about to interrupt him but Jason held up a hand to silence him. "I haven't seen you in six months. My fault and I'm shit for doing that to you. I thought you'd be okay. Even after your mom told me you were skipping meals and staying in your room I thought you'd come out of it. I figured you needed some time and then one day you'd snap back into life and you'd be okay. That was back in April and I'm a damn fool for not listening to her. Then you come in here and you've obviously needed help. I couldn't just let you go without doing something."

"So you thought you'd crack my ribs?" The words were supposed to come out a lot stronger. But Jason was right. Kit did need someone. "I need Bear."

He wiped his nose on the hem of his T-shirt. Oh hel.

He bowed his head as the tears started coming down.

Jason was beside him in an instant, those strong arms wrapping around his shoulders as he puled Kit against his chest. "I miss him so damn much," Kit whispered as he rested his head against the steady drum of Jason's heart.

"I do too, Kit." Jason rubbed Kit's back in large, soothing circles. "He was my best friend."

Kit nodded. "Mine too." He took a deep breath and forced his body to move away from Jason's. It was a hard thing to leave that comforting warmth but he had to. "I want that tattoo, so hand me the clipboard."

Jason's arm stayed around his shoulders for another moment before he got off the table and got the clipboard for him. He took a moment to fil out the top portion of the form before he looked up at Kit. "Want to do this yourself or do you want help?"

Kit shrugged. "You can."

Jason nodded and bent his head. "Let me know if something is incorrect. No HIV, AIDS, diabetes, epilepsy or any communicable disease, right?"

Kit shook his head. Jason should know those things but he supposed he had to answer him for the paperwork.

"Have you done drugs or had alcohol today?"

Jason asked.

Kit's face went pale. "I don't do drugs. You know that. And I haven't had a drink since…" He bit his bottom lip and turned his face away.

"Since Bear. Yeah, me neither. Sure you don't want to do this yourself?" Kit shook his head. "Al right, then I'l keep going. I'm not responsible if you get an alergic reaction to the ink. Clear?" Kit nodded. "And if you get an infection, especialy because you can't folow the basic directions I'm going to hand your sorry ass, that's not my fault but I wil drive you to the doctor so that he can tel you what an idiot you were. And then I wil laugh at you mercilessly."

Kit managed a smal grin. "You this mean to al your customers?"

Jason smiled at him. It was quick, just the simplest turn of his lips but it helped Kit feel better.

"No, just you." His head went back down as he read through the sheet. "You're over eighteen, I'm not forcing you to get a tattoo, and you're sane." He looked up.

"You are stil sane right?" Kit roled his eyes and Jason went back to finishing the paperwork. "Here, sign at the bottom. Date it yourself."

He handed over the clipboard and Kit quickly took it. His eyes caught on his birth date. Jason had remembered. It's not like it was right near Bear's or near any major holiday so the fact the man remembered broke something loose inside of him. Tears pooled in his eyes. "You remembered."

"Remembered what?" Jason stood and came to see what Kit was looking at. Kit felt stupid at tearing up over something so simple. But it mattered. He pointed to the place where Jason had filed in his personal information. Jason shifted beside him. "Yeah, so? I didn't forget you completely, Kit. I'm sure it seemed like it and I'm going to do my best to make that up to you.

But thoughts of you didn't go away." Jason draped his hand on the back of Kit's neck and Kit found himself leaning into that warmth.

"I feel like I did. That I didn't matter anymore."

Jason's hand tightened on his neck as his fingers threaded into his hair and gave a light tug, forcing Kit to tilt his head back and look up at him.

"You fucking matter. You've always mattered.

To your family. To me. You've always fucking mattered and don't you ever forget that again," he ground out.

Kit felt exposed as Jason held him there, but he didn't mind it so much as the man's words moved through him. He mattered to Jason. The man he loved thought that he mattered. He'd felt invisible for months, but Jason thought he mattered stil.

"Nod if you understand."

Kit was quick to obey as he let go of his hair, giving him the slack he needed to move. Jason stayed next to him for another minute, rubbing his neck and moving his fingers along the fine hairs at the base of Kit's neck as Kit quickly signed and dated the clipboard. He held onto it for another moment, pretending to read over everything printed there but realy only prolonging that contact. Jason made an impatient noise in his throat and Kit handed the clipboard over.

"Now, where do you want it?" Jason asked him as he put the paper in a drawer and started getting his things together. "And what colors?"

Kit thought about his bank account. He hadn't worked since before the accident. His boss at the community center where he used to be a lifeguard had understood back then, when he'd first come out of the hospital, why he couldn't be in the water. But then his leave of absence stretched to weeks and finaly he'd stopped returning the man's phone cals. He'd never officialy been fired, but like everything else, he'd simply faded away.

"Kit?" Jason prompted him.

"How much for black and white on my back?"

He had some money, not much though. And he knew tattoos were expensive. Especialy from someone as talented as Jason. Maybe he'd let him work out a payment plan or something.

Jason shook his head. "You have to ask that?

Damn, but I'm offended." Kit looked up, worried he'd angered the man. "You're free. You'l always be free. If you want to cover yourself in polka dots, you wil stil be free. You got that?" Kit nodded, feeling stupid as he let his head drop back down to his chest. "So take off your shirt and lay down on your stomach on the table.

I'm going to draw it freehand on your back and then you can decide if you like it or not."

Kit hesitated as he fingered the hem of the ratty T-shirt. His mom had cried when she'd first seen the scars. His dad had put a hole through the drywal with his fist. He didn't want Jason to be that mad too. "I just…" He took a breath. "You can't be mad okay?"

"I'm not going to promise not to be mad, Kit.

That's unreasonable. Did you get your nipples pierced or something? You don't have to be embarrassed about that. I've done it too and it's kind of sexy."

Kit just stared at him, learning more than he'd ever thought to know about Jason's chest. His nipples hadn't been pierced the last time they'd gone swimming and he wanted to ask when he'd got them done and if he could see them. And then if he could touch them and maybe lick them. That'd always been a fantasy. He shook his head. No sex thoughts right now. He had to get his shirt off. "I've got…" He shuddered. "You see, there's…" Maybe he should just pick another location for the tattoo. But his back felt right.