Love, Lucas (22 page)

I’m shaking my head before she finishes. I can’t go. I can’t see him hooked up to all those monitors. I’ve seen it before. It’s too much.

“Oakley—”

“No,” I say softly.

“Why?”

“What you’re asking . . . there’s no way,” I say, my voice shaky. “I can’t go there.” I stand and walk toward the door. “I’ve already lost Lucas. I can’t watch Carson die too. I can’t go back to that place again.”

“I’ll be right by you, honey. I promise.”

Still, I shake my head.

She sighs. “This is my fault.”

I glance at her. “What?”

“This. You. I’m sorry, Oakley. I’m so sorry for everything. For not being there for you. For thinking I was the only one allowed to grieve. You’re the way you are because of me.”

“No. It’s my own fault. I pushed everyone away.”

“So did I . . .” she says.

We’re both quiet until she looks up at me. “Do you love him?”

Do I? Do I love him? “I don’t know,” I whisper. “Maybe.”

“Then why—”

“I just can’t.” I can feel the walls I’ve been so careful to build around myself start to crumble. The sea of emotions trying to escape makes it hard to breathe. My chest rises and falls and I take a step back. “I need to get out of here.” I push the door open and slam it behind me.

I hear her following but don’t stop. “What do you mean? Where are you going?”

I ignore her. Panic fills my body and I know I’m about to freak out. I can’t stay here. I have to get away. Go to the only other place I know that can help me forget. I run to my room and grab Lucas’s notebook and my purse.

“Oakley, stop. Please. What are you doing?”

“I’m going home.” I grab Jo’s keys off the table and run out the front door. I hear Mom yelling behind me but I jump in the car and lock the doors before she can stop me. The last thing I see as I peel out of the driveway is her standing on the porch, staring after me.

The airport is packed. Maybe it’s always this way though. I don’t fly very often.

I stare at the plane ticket in my hand, trying to ignore my fluttery stomach. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. If I go home, it will be like none of this ever happened. I never lived with Aunt Jo. I never learned to surf. I never fell for Carson.

It’ll be easier to forget.

My cell rings again and I ignore it. I know it’s Mom or Jo. I know they’re probably freaking out but I don’t have a choice. And I can ride on a plane by myself. I’m just going home. I don’t even have any baggage to check.

An airline staff member calls business class and passengers traveling with young children into the plane. I stare at the seat number on my boarding pass.

Seat 28E, boarding group C. I hope they call my section soon.

I know I should have thought this through a little more. I’m never this spontaneous. If you could call it that. I wonder what Mom is thinking but then shake my head. She’ll be fine.

I pull out my cell and I’m just about to call Dad to tell him I’m coming home when I see them.

They’re young. Probably my age. The girl has long dark hair and the guy has light brown. I have no idea who they are but the way they move together makes me stare.

They’re holding hands as they walk down the terminal, smiling. They stop a few feet away from me and the guy pulls out his boarding pass, looks it over, and hands it to the girl. He says something to her, making her laugh, and she playfully pushes him away. He reaches out and wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. She laughs again as he kisses her head. After a moment, oblivious to anyone else in the building, they give each other the sweetest kiss I’ve ever seen. He touches her cheek and brushes the hair from her face. It’s as though the world has stopped for them and they’re the only two people who matter. They break from their moment and he kisses her hand as they settle into a slow walk again.

It’s a beautiful moment. I want to have a moment like that, where nothing else matters but the person I’m sharing it with. Do I love Carson? Is it possible to fall in love so fast?

The woman at the desk calls the next group of passengers to the line, making me panic a bit. I’ve already bought my ticket, so I can’t turn back, but I’m starting to have second thoughts about my decision. Ignoring the thoughts running through my head, I stand and make my way over to hand her my ticket. Her lipstick is really red and her light hair is pulled into a tight bun. She’s young, maybe twenty. I watch her scan my ticket into her computer and she hands it back to me with a smile on her face. “Have a nice f light,” she says.

“Thanks,” I mumble.

I start down the gangway, wringing my hands. Am I doing the right thing? Am I a coward? I don’t stop. I can’t. My feet keep moving and I make it all the way to my seat before sitting down between a large man who smells like bacon and a mean-looking old lady.

Carson’s face appears in my mind. His smile. The dimple in his cheek. It’s no wonder I fell for him. I rub my arms as a chill fills my body and I cringe as another image of him pops into my head. The shark. The blood. My screams. I shiver. I wonder how many tubes and IVs he’s hooked up to in the hospital.

I think of Lucas. All of our memories. The good, the bad. And that’s when I remember the notebook stuffed in my purse. I pull it out. If there’s one thing I need right now, it’s Lucas.

DEAR OAKLEY,

LIFE ISN’T FAIR. YOU KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS. YET WE ALWAYS WONDER WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

LIFE IS HARD. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WE CAN LEARN WHEN WE’RE GOING THROUGH HARD THINGS. TAKE ME, FOR EXAMPLE. I’VE LEARNED HOW MUCH A PERSON CAN CARE FOR SOMEONE ELSE. I’VE LEARNED TO TREASURE EACH MOMENT I HAVE WITH THOSE I LOVE. I’VE LEARNED TO NOT TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED. A HANDSHAKE FROM A FRIEND. A CONVERSATION. EVEN SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS TAKING A BREATH.

I’VE LEARNED THAT EVEN THOUGH IT’S HARD, LIFE MATTERS. IT COULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO JUST RUN AWAY FROM MY LIFE, BUT YOU’VE KEPT ME HOLDING ON. YOU’RE NOT READY TO LET GO OF ME YET, AND TO BE HONEST, YOU’RE JUST AS MUCH OF A FIGHTER IN MY BATTLE AS I AM.

WHEN I’M GONE, DON’T RUN AWAY FROM LIFE. EVEN IF IT’S HARD. IT’S FULL OF LESSONS. AND HAPPINESS. AND GOOD THINGS. DON’T THROW IT AWAY. THINGS GET HARD, AND THINGS AREN’T FAIR, BUT IF YOU’RE WILLING TO FACE YOUR PROBLEMS HEAD ON, THINGS WILL GET BETTER. THEY’LL WORK OUT. AND I KNOW YOU’LL WORK THROUGH WHATEVER OBSTACLES COME YOUR WAY. AT LEAST PROMISE ME YOU’LL TRY. YOU’VE SHOWN ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN DO THIS PAST MONTH. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

LOVE, LUCAS

I reread the letter three more times.

He forgot to mention that life sucks. But I guess that’s the same as not being fair.

Lucas is right. As he usually is. If he says I can get through anything, I can get through anything. I can’t abandon Carson. No matter how hard it might be to see him in pain, I can’t do that to him. Not after all we’ve been through. Surfing, guitars, walks on the beach. The perfect spring full of memories that I’ll never be able to forget.

If he dies before I can say goodbye . . .

I gulp and it hits me. Lucas would be so disappointed in me right now. He never would have abandoned me and neither would Carson.

I stand and squeeze past the big guy and make it into the aisle. I have to get out of here. I can be strong. I can help Carson fight. I can be the person I was when Lucas was fighting for
his
life. To help him up when he’s down. To keep him hanging on when it’s so much easier to let go. I won’t lose him. I won’t let him go. Not yet.

Life isn’t fair but it is worth fighting for.

I walk toward the door, muttering apologies to everyone as I make my way back through the gangway and into the airport. I’ve made up my mind. There’s only one place for me to be right now.

With Carson.

CHAPTER 23

I step through the hospital doors. I’ve never been in this particular hospital but they all smell the same. Disinfectant. Antiseptic. Disease.

The smell triggers memories of Lucas lying in his hospital bed and makes me so dizzy that I almost fall over. I steady myself against the wall and take a deep breath, trying to ignore the memories of medicines, sickness, and death.

A nurse sits at a big desk and I walk over to her. I swallow the lump in my throat. I can do this. I can be brave.

“May I help you?” Her voice is nice. Pretty and light. She reminds me of my grandma with wispy white hair and glasses on the bridge of her nose.

“I’m here to see a patient. Carson Nye?”

She looks in her computer and gives me a sympathetic look. “Shark attack, right?”

I nod and swallow again.

“He’s in the ICU.”

“Oh. Okay.” I’m not sure how to get in there and know they probably won’t let me in. I step away but then hear a familiar voice.

“Oakley?”

Keilani walks over to me and wraps me in a huge hug. “Oh, Oakley, I’m so glad you’re here,” she says. She wipes a tear away as she lets me go. She looks exhausted.

All I can do is nod to keep myself from crying again.

The lady at the desk doesn’t say anything as Keilani leads me down the hall. We step in the elevator and she pushes the second floor button.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” she says. “Carson told me about your brother. I’m sure this is hard for you.”

“I’m fine.” For now.

The doors slide open and we walk into a waiting room. Carson’s parents are there, of course, but they haven’t noticed us yet.

It takes me a minute to catch my breath because the scene looks so familiar. It reminds me of when my parents and I would wait for one of Lucas’s surgeries to be over. We’d usually stay in the waiting room for hours, waiting for the doctors to come tell us how it went. It happened more times than I like to remember.

I take in the scene again and try to keep my emotions in check. From the fake flowers in the large vase next to the couch and the warm lighting that gives me a headache if I’m in there too long, to the empty Styrofoam cups sitting on the coffee table. I stare at the one with teeth marks all around the edge. That would have been mine.

I glance at Carson’s mother, who is reading a magazine in one of the chairs. She looks exhausted. Her dark hair is in a messy bun and it looks like she doesn’t have makeup on. His father snores softly on the couch across the room, his feet up on the table in front of him and his arms behind his head.

“Look who I found,” Keilani says, interrupting the silence.

Carson’s mom looks up and her eyes widen when she sees me. “Oakley, thank you so much for coming.” She gets up and gives me a hug. His dad stirs on the couch, opening his eyes for a second, but says nothing and doesn’t bother getting up to greet me.

Carson’s mom pulls away but takes my hand. I’m not sure if I want to know the answer but I want to be brave, so I ask. “How’s he doing?”

She sighs. “He’s still in a coma. They’ve given him a transfusion since he lost so much blood. Four pints. His heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital.” Her lip quivers and she clears her throat and steadies herself. “But they were able to bring him back. He’s in critical condition, but breathing on his own. They’re just waiting for him to wake up now to see if he . . . if he has any brain damage.”

I nod. I don’t want to think about what will happen if he doesn’t wake up.

“Would you like to see him?” she asks.

“Yes,” I say before I can think about it or talk myself out of it.

“Two people are allowed back there at a time but I wonder if you’d rather go by yourself.”

“I’d like that. If it’s all right.” I don’t want to cry in front of anyone. And I will cry.

“Let me see when it’s okay to go back. Why don’t you sit with Keilani for a bit?”

“Okay.” I follow Keilani over to the empty couch. She sits down and pulls her knees to her chest. She looks so lost. So scared. I’m not sure how to make her feel better. “How are you holding up?”

She shakes her head. “Honestly, I’ve never been so scared in my entire life.”

I nod. “He’ll be okay.”

“Just the . . . blood. His leg. I can’t get it out of my head.”

“I can’t either.”

“I’m so glad you were there. You saved his life, Oakley. He would have died if you wouldn’t have been with him.”

He still might.

She glances over and gives me a small smile. “Carson’s a pain in the butt most of the time but he’s my big brother. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I just . . .”

“I know.” I swallow, hard. I totally understand.

The nurse walks over then, along with Carson’s mom. “You ready to go back?” the nurse asks.

Yes. I can do this.

“I think so.”

I stand.

“We’ll be right out here,” Carson’s mom assures me. I smile and nod at her.

“Hey,” Keilani says. “When you’re done in there, would you want to grab some lunch or something? I need to get out of here for a bit and I’d love for you to come with me. I just . . . I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course.”

She smiles and sits back on the couch for a moment before her worried expression returns.

I follow the nurse back to his room. The walls are white. It smells like everything has been soaked in Lysol and sanitizer. We reach a room and she pulls a curtain back to let me in. I freeze in the doorway. My body shakes. I’m not sure if I can move.