Love, Lucas (20 page)

I need to let Carson know it’s over now. But how can I do that when it’s been one of the best days of my life? I glance up at the stars, wondering if Lucas will help me be strong and my breath catches. The stars are beautiful tonight. Brighter than I remember.

“The stars look awesome on the water tonight,” Carson says. He scoots close, wraps an arm around my shoulder, and kisses my temple. I don’t scoot away, just enjoy these last few moments with him.

“Yeah.” It’s all I can say without losing it.

I can’t do it anymore. I have to let him go before I get too attached. Because I’m attached already and it’s not like we’ve even been together that long. Which might make things much easier. Maybe it won’t hurt as much.

We sit in silence for a while, listening to the waves crash onto the beach. I tell myself to remember this moment. The way Carson’s arm feels around my shoulders. The smell of the salty air, the beautiful bright stars glistening over the water. I don’t realize I’m crying until Carson says something.

“What?” I ask. A tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away quickly.

“Are you okay?” He reaches out and wipes another tear with his finger.

I shake my head. “No. I’m not.” I pull away and stand. “Thank you, for . . . all this. For everything. But I’ve got to go now. I’m sorry.”

I leave him sitting there and start down the beach, hoping he’ll take the hint not to follow.

“Oakley, wait!” I hear his feet in the sand as he catches up and I cringe. I don’t want to do this but I have to. I have to let him go. “What’s wrong? What did I do?”

“Nothing,” I say, stopping to look at him. “You haven’t done anything. That’s the problem.”
You’re perfect and I don’t want to hurt you, but we can’t be together. I’ll just end up leaving and never see you again.

He reaches out to me but I step back. “At least let me walk you home.”

“I can walk home myself.”

He frowns. “Something’s up, Oakley. Talk to me. What’s wrong and how can I fix it?”

“There’s nothing to fix. I’m just . . . sorry I got too close. I’m sorry about everything.” I turn to leave again but he grabs my hand, soft and gentle, but enough to pull me to a stop.

“Oakley, wait,” he says, pulling me closer. “Please. Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing else to say.”

He stares at me a moment before dropping my hand. “Right. Nothing else to say.” He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. He looks agitated. Even a little angry. “Do you do this to everyone who cares about you? Push them away? Or am I just lucky?”

“I don’t push people away.”

“Really.” He folds his arms and frowns. “For some reason it’s hard to believe you. What about your mom?”

“What about her?”

“Ever since you came here I’ve seen you talk to her maybe once. I see the way you avoid each other. Just like you’re trying to avoid me now.”

“I’m not trying to avoid you.”

He sighs and reaches for my hand. “Help me understand what the problem is then. I care about you, Oakley. And I thought you cared enough about me to talk to me about things. I thought we . . . today was . . . awesome. Wasn’t it?”

“It was.” I try to shake off the emotion that creeps in. “And I do care about you. That’s the problem.”

“You caring about me is the problem?” He raises his voice and glances around before stepping closer. “If you care about me so much, then why are you walking away from me right now?”

I meet his gaze and want to tell him exactly how I feel. How he’s wonderful and amazing and makes me feel alive—something I haven’t felt since before Lucas died. But I can’t do it. I’m a coward, too afraid to fall in love and be happy, too afraid of possibly losing someone else I love.

“I’m sorry.” I gesture to myself and then to him. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what? Our relationship? Help me out here, Oakley, because obviously I’ve done something to piss you off enough to break up with me.”

“You haven’t done anything.” I shake my head, tears fill my eyes. “I’m just . . . sorry.” I turn around, take off running, and don’t look back.

CHAPTER 19

DEAR OAKLEY,

EVERYONE WAS SO SAD WHEN THEY VISITED ME TODAY. I KNOW IT’S MY FAULT. EVER SINCE I GOT SICK IT HAS BEEN A BURDEN ON EVERYONE. AND I’M SORRY FOR THAT. I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU GUYS HAPPY AGAIN.

OUR FAMILY WAS NEVER SUPER CLOSE, BUT WE’VE ALWAYS GOTTEN ALONG. DON’T LOSE THAT, OAKLEY. DON’T LET OUR FAMILY BREAK APART. DON’T LET MOM WASTE AWAY WITHOUT SMILING. MAKE HER SMILE AGAIN. SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY. AND SO DO YOU.

LOVE, LUCAS

I miss the days of laughing and smiling. Right when I thought I was getting better, everything falls to crap.

Carson’s called my cell three times and the house twice. I refuse to answer. Mom has asked me what’s wrong but I won’t talk to her. I can’t. I feel horrible. Carson deserves an explanation but I don’t dare face him.

I need time to sort out my jumbled thoughts. I need time to figure out what I want and who I really am. My life is spiraling down, and honestly, Carson is the only one who even attempted to pull me back up.

It’s only been a day and I miss him. I wonder if he’s calling because he’s angry or if he wants to see me. Maybe he misses me too.

The sun beats down on me as I sit on the front porch steps, doing nothing, saying nothing. Just staring at the ocean across the street, wondering if Carson’s surfing today and wishing I was brave enough to figure myself out.

The door opens behind me and Jo steps outside. I know it’s her since Mom is gone today. Again. “Hey. Mind if I join ya?”

I shrug. “Sure.”

She sits next to me, her fingers playing with the tangles in her wild hair. “You’ve been moping around here all day. If something’s bothering you, it helps to talk about it.”

I let out a slow breath and keep my eyes focused on the bits of sand scattered on her sidewalk. “Only if you have something to talk about.” I don’t want to talk about Carson and pray she doesn’t bring him up.

“Fair enough.” She pulls something onto her lap and I glance at it. A scrapbook or something?

“What is that?”

She smiles. “I was hoping you’d like to look at it with me.” She flips the page open and I’m suddenly staring into a two-year-old Lucas’s face.

“What . . . where did you get that?” I lean closer, taking in his toothy grin and platinum blond hair.

“I have a lot more.” She sets half of the book on my lap and flips the page.

There are dozens of pictures of Lucas and me. From when we were babies, all the way up to the present. I stare at us when we were twelve and fourteen. His freckled face with a huge grin and me standing next to him, my hair shorter and lighter, laughing at something he probably said. “Where did you get all these?”

She shrugs. “Your mom.”

“She sent them to you?”

“Hun, you’re my only family. Did you think since I lived so far away I wouldn’t have pictures of my favorite niece and nephew?”

I touch the freckled Lucas again. “I never thought about it.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “He always took good care of you, didn’t he.” It’s not a question but I swallow the lump in my throat and nod anyway.

“Yes,” I whisper.

My fingers flip through some of the last pages. The ones taken a year or so ago. There’s one of me holding up a medal from a swim meet. That one I remember Lucas took. One of Lucas playing basketball that I remember taking. There’s one of Lucas laughing and holding on to the strings of my hoodie, my nose the only part of me showing since he had pulled my hood so tight.

I stare at the last picture for a long time. It’s of Lucas in his hospital bed giving a thumbs up with one hand and covering my laughing face with his other.

“Thank you. For sharing this with me.” My shaky voice can’t hide the depth of my sorrow but somehow I manage to keep it together.

“You’re welcome. And you know I’ll always be here to talk if you need me. I know a thing or two about boys, you know.”

I crack a smile. “Thanks.” I’m grateful she doesn’t press me for details. It’s obvious she knows I’m avoiding Carson but she hasn’t brought it up, even when I’ve told her to tell him I’m not available when he calls.

She’s wonderful. My aunt.

Jo wraps her arm around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze before letting go. “I love ya, kid. So do your parents. Especially your mom. She may not show it all the time, or in the way you need, but she does. You’re all she has left.”

“I know.”

CHAPTER 20

DEAR OAKLEY,

TODAY WAS A ROTTEN DAY. THE XBOX GAMES YOU BROUGHT ME PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD, SO THANKS FOR THAT. NOTHING LIKE KILLING A BUNCH OF ALIENS TO PASS THE TIME. YOU ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO CHEER ME UP.

I MISS YOU WHEN YOU GO HOME FOR THE NIGHT. I’LL NEVER TELL YOU THAT TO YOUR FACE, SINCE YOU’D STAY AS LONG AS I WANT YOU TO, BUT IT’S TRUE. I MISS YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE. YOU’RE THE ONE I’M FIGHTING FOR. THE ONLY ONE WHO’S BEEN WITH ME THROUGH THIS ENTIRE ORDEAL. SO, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND AND LETTING ME KICK YOUR BUTT AT UNO AND PHASE 10 DAY AFTER DAY. AND PRETENDING YOU CAN PLAY XBOX, BECAUSE YOU REALLY CAN’T. BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, WHEN I’M GONE? ALL THESE GAMES ARE YOURS. TAKE CARE OF THEM AND DON’T YOU DARE SELL THEM! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE KIDS SOMEDAY AND EVEN THOUGH THE GAMES WILL BE ANCIENT BY THEN, I WANT THEM TO HAVE SOMETHING FROM THEIR UNCLE LUCAS.

NIGHT!

LOVE, LUCAS

It’s been a week. I can only stay holed up in my room for so long and I’m starting to go crazy. Jo took me on another one of her jobs, which I was grateful for. This time to save a baby sea lion trapped in some fishing line, but as soon as they got it free and monitored it for a bit, we came back home and I fell into my routine of sitting in my room, playing my guitar for a few minutes, and then staring at my pictures on my wall.

My glamorous and boring life.

I still haven’t talked to Carson. He hasn’t given up though. He’s knocked on my door several times, called, texted me, talked to Jo. I stare at the latest text and sigh.

I need to talk to you. Please call me back.

I turn off my phone. I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve seen him a few times since I left him at the beach. But not up close. I’ve watched him surf and not wanting to be a stalker but wanting to have a few pictures of him, I took my camera with me and snapped a few. Then I went home and locked myself in my room again.

It’s funny how girls can be so dramatic. I always thought girls were stupid in the movies I’d watch. How they’d run away from problems and never talk about it. But I’m acting the same exact way. And it’s slowly driving me insane. I know I’m being ridiculous. I know I should explain things to Carson but part of me still believes that I’m not good enough for him. I don’t want to give myself false hope that maybe I
am
good enough.

I can’t help but think what Lucas would say if he were here. Actually, I know exactly what he’d say.

Don't be stupid, Oakley. Talk to him.

I pick up my phone again and my fingers hover over the keypad. I sigh and set it down again.

Maybe tomorrow.

CHAPTER 21

DEAR OAKLEY,

THEY’RE LETTING ME COME HOME TOMORROW. I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN I GET THERE. MY BODY HURTS. I’M TIRED. I CAN FEEL THE STRAIN OF ALL THE CHEMICALS AND MEDICINE PUSHING ME INTO A BLACK HOLE. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. IF I WERE STRONGER, MAYBE I’D FIGHT HARDER, BUT IT’S A LOST CAUSE.

I’M GLAD I’LL BE HOME WHEN IT HAPPENS. BE WITH YOU AND MOM AND DAD. I’M NOT READY TO LEAVE THIS LIFE JUST YET, BUT I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE. I KNOW I’LL BE OKAY. I’M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU’RE THE REASON I’VE LASTED THIS LONG. YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO STAY STRONG AND FIGHT. BUT I’M DONE FIGHTING. SO I’LL TELL YOU THIS, AND YOU’D BETTER DO IT. STAY STRONG FOR ME.

LOVE, LUCAS

I feel numb. Thinking about Lucas’s last days is almost more than I can handle. I close the notebook and sit there, staring at the floor. I’ve been strong. At least I think I have. What else does he want me to do?

What if things had been different? What if it had been me fighting instead of him? He’d still be alive. He’d still have a chance with Emmy. But either way, we wouldn’t be together. He’d lose his sister or I’d lose my brother. Neither is fair.

I look out the window and sigh. I need to talk to someone. I should start with Mom, but the timing has to be right. For both of us. My thoughts turn to Carson. I need to apologize for acting like a freak and I wonder if whatever he felt about me is gone now. The longer I’ve had to think about it, the more I’ve realized how stupid I’ve been. I haven’t been following Lucas’s advice the way he intended. I haven’t been taking risks; I haven’t been living. I’ve been on the cusp but I’ve let fear of the unknown and of loss hold me back. And now I know—I want to be with Carson. I want to see where it goes, even if I’m going to leave someday. Why can’t we see if it can work out until that day comes? And then, maybe even after that.

I have to find him and explain my crazy self to him. I really hope he’ll forgive me.

I tell Mom where I’m going and head outside to the beach. I know exactly where to find him, unless he’s at work, which I hope he’s not.

There aren’t many surfers out, which makes me feel a little less scared. I can move easier without having to worry about people running me over. The sky is a light gray and the wind is blowing a little.

Carson’s already out there. I recognize his yellow board as he falls off a wave. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to him but I do know we have a lot to talk about. I’ll apologize first and go from there.

I grab my board and enter the water. It’s colder than I remember, though it might be because I’m not wearing a wet suit. When the water is to my waist, I jump on my board and start paddling. As I break the swell, I’m surprised to see Carson sitting just behind it. He’s waiting for me. His usual smile is gone and his dark eyes look sad.

“Hey,” I say. I sit up on my board so my legs dangle in the water. It’s murkier than usual. I can’t see my legs at all.

“Hey,” he says. He watches me for a second before looking toward the beach.