Love, Lucas (23 page)

The nurse is watching me. “It’s all right.”

“I know,” I say. Even though it’s not. At all.

“You can stay in here as long as you’d like. He may be in a coma, but he can hear you. I’ve been at this hospital twenty years and almost every person that has come out of a coma said they could hear people around them. Talk to him. Let him know you’re here.” She smiles. “I’ll be right outside. Let me know if you need anything,” she says. And then it’s just the two of us.

I take a deep breath and move closer. Carson is surrounded by monitors and bags of fluid. I see the heart rate monitor go up and down and up and down. At least his heart is still beating. That’s all I want to see for now.

I walk over to him and sit next to his bed. An oxygen tube is in his nose and I watch his chest rise and fall a few times just to be sure he’s breathing.

I’ve been in this situation before. With Lucas. Though Lucas was bone thin and white as a sheet. He was so weak toward the end he could barely lift his hand. I shake my head to get the memories out and focus on Carson instead.

“Carson,” I say. “It’s Oakley.” I take his hand in mine, careful of the IV. I’m not sure what else to say. I bring his hand to my lips and then rest it on the bed again. I don’t let go.

I take a deep breath and start talking. “I’ve been thinking about the first time we met. You know, when I almost fell in the tide pool? I’ll never admit this to your face . . . well, I guess I am now, but I thought you were so hot. It was why I didn’t talk a lot. I didn’t know what to say.” I smile at the memory. “I’ve never been good around guys. As you can probably tell. But you didn’t seem to notice. You were so nice. Too nice, I thought. Then when you took me to see the pier and introduced me to the best hot dog I’ve ever tasted, I knew I wanted to get to know you more. I’m glad I have that memory as our first date. You can take me there again when you’re better. I’m buying this time though.

“Remember how I totally ate it when you taught me how to surf for the first time? I swear there’s still salt stuck in my nose. I was seriously horrible. And I know you won’t say it, but we both know I still am.” I chuckle quietly and look to see if there is any response.

Nothing.

“But the thing I remember most is the night you kissed me. When we sat in my room playing the guitar. It was the perfect moment. I was terrified that I’d mess it up. That I wouldn’t kiss you right, but it was . . . like magic. A perfect kiss. I’ll never forget that night.”

I lean in closer and brush his hair out of his closed eyes. “Please come back to me. I don’t want to lose you.” A tear rolls down my cheek and I climb on the bed next to him, careful not to touch his body or get near his injured leg. I lay my head next to his and touch his face, letting my emotions take over, letting it all out. I’m still holding his hand. “I think I love you,” I whisper, knowing he probably can’t hear.

I don’t know how long I lie beside him. Minutes. Hours. I’ve memorized every sound, every beep from the monitors around us. The deep breaths he takes and the beat of his heart.

I’ve been in here for a while. I should leave so his family can come back in. I touch my lips to his cheek and slide off the bed. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” I say. “I promise.” I feel a twitch in his hand. Just a small one. My heart speeds up and I look down to see his hand slowly wrap around mine.

A new round of tears are falling freely as I watch his chest rise and fall again. My eyes look back at our hands intertwined. He doesn’t let go and I know it’s not a reflex. He knows I’m with him. And then I remember his family. I need to tell them or a nurse that he responded. I stand to leave and he squeezes my hand again. He doesn’t open his eyes or move or anything but he’s still squeezing my hand tight.

“I’ll be right back,” I say. I rush through the curtain and into the hall. A nurse is standing at the desk and when she sees me, her eyes widen. “What’s wrong?”

“He squeezed my hand,” I say.

She walks quickly into the room and I follow her. She checks a few monitors and his IV fluids. She lifts his sheets on her side so I can’t see his wounds but I look away anyway. When she’s done, she motions for me to follow her out of the room.

“This is a great sign. Usually people don’t make responses that fast once they slip into a coma. He’s making great progress already. I’m going to call his doctor. You should probably tell his family he’s responding. Even if it was only squeezing your hand.”

“Thank you,” I say.

She gives me a funny look. “You’re his girlfriend, right?”

I’m not sure, but I nod anyway. It’ll take me a while to get used to “girlfriend.”

She smiles. “I’m glad you came. It’s amazing what love can do for a person, isn’t it?”

I smile. “It really is.”

CHAPTER 24

The first thing I notice about the next letter is that it’s in my mom’s handwriting and not Lucas’s. I frown and flip to the next page. There’s nothing there. A lump forms in my throat as I realize this is the last letter in my notebook. And obviously he was in too much pain to write it. I’m not sure if I can read it. Not yet. I tuck it under my pillow again and roll out of bed.

Mom and Jo are in the kitchen. Mom walks over and gives me a small hug before returning to her seat. “Carson’s mom called this morning.”

“And?”

“He’s awake.”

My heart leaps in my chest. He’s awake. He’s really awake. I can’t believe it. “Did they say anything else? Is he okay? Is he talking at all?”

Jo laughs as she sets down her coffee. “He’s asking for you.”

I clear my throat and focus on Jo’s coffee mug to keep my crazy emotions in check. “Really?” I sniff and Mom reaches out a hand and touches my arm.

“Why don’t you eat something and I’ll drive you to the hospital?” she asks. She never said a word when I came home last night. Didn’t yell at me, didn’t ground me. All she did was hug me and tell me to get some sleep. She loves me. I know that now. And all this time I know it’s really been
me
pushing
her
away.

I look at her and nod. It’s all I can do to keep from crying. “I’m not very hungry. Can we go now?”

Mom sighs. “Honey, you can’t not eat.”

“Please?”

She glances at Jo, but nods. “Okay. Get dressed and we’ll go as soon as you’re ready.”

I take five minutes to put on some clothes and throw my unruly hair into a messy bun. Jo hands me a granola bar on our way out the door. We arrive at the hospital ten minutes later.

Carson is still in intensive care. We walk down the narrow hallway and the nurse from the night before recognizes me. “You’re here to see Carson?”

“Yes.”

I look around for his family but don’t see anyone.

She smiles. “His family went to get some sleep. I’m sure they’ll be back soon. They’ve barely left the hospital since the accident. Sweet things. I’ll take you on back, honey.”

I glance at Mom. “Go ahead,” she says. “I’ll be right here.”

The nurse motions for me to follow her and I wave goodbye to Mom. It’s nice to have her with me. We’ve both been through a lot. Too much, if you ask me. Maybe with that one thing in common, we’ll make it. We have to.

We stop in front of his room and the nurse pokes her head inside. I’m twisting my hands in front of me. I’m not supposed to be nervous. It’s not like I don’t know him.

“Go on in. He’s waiting for you.”

I take a huge breath and step inside the curtain.

I thought he’d be lying down but he’s sitting on his bed, propped up by several pillows. His brown eyes find mine as soon as I walk in, and even though he’s really pale, his smile lights up the room. His chest rises and he breathes a sigh of what sounds like relief.

“You’re okay,” he says.

My heart feels like it will burst out of my chest as I rush to the side of his bed When I reach him, he slowly raises a hand and I take it, pulling it to my lips. “
You’re
okay,” I whisper.

He lets go of my hand and pats the bed next to him. “Come sit.”

“But—”

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Well . . .” He glances toward his legs. “Sort of, I guess.”

I’m careful as I climb on the bed next to him, steering clear of his legs. I lean my head against his chest and wrap my arms carefully around him. He sniffs and I feel warm tears on my cheek. I’m not sure if they’re mine or his.

“I was so scared,” I whisper. “So, so scared.”

He strokes my hair. “Me too.”

We sit there for a long time, neither of us saying a word. The nurse walks in then, changes the bag of fluid hooked to his IV, and walks back out without a word. I’m glad she’s letting us have this moment.

“I’m so sorry, Carson.”

“It’s not your fault.”

I pull away and sit back, still hanging on to his hand. “Does it hurt?” I don’t know why I ask when I’m sure it does.

He shrugs. “It’s no big deal.” I see a hint of a smile. I don’t know how he can joke about it but I smile anyway.

“You’ve been attacked by a shark before?”

“Nope. I’ll admit this is a first.” He’s trying to make light of things but I can see the pain in his eyes.

I squeeze his hand. “How bad is it?”

He closes his eyes for a second. “I can’t feel it right now. Too much medication. I’m surprised I’m even awake and talking to you.” He takes a deep breath. “I know my leg is gone. I knew before I woke up. I heard the doctors talking while I was asleep.”

My lip quivers and I fight to keep my emotion back. I don’t know what to say, so I just sit there, staring at our hands.

“Oakley,” he whispers. I look up at his serious expression. “I’m gonna be okay,” he says. “Okay?”

“But . . . your leg.” My voice cracks and I bury my face in his shoulder. Why do things like this have to happen to people I love? After watching Lucas suffer for so long, I can’t bear to see Carson do it too. Because even though Carson’s situation is different—he at least knows he’s going to live—to lose his leg? I don’t want to see him in so much pain.

“Oakley,” Carson says.

I look up and meet his eyes again.

“I’m alive. You’re alive. That’s all that matters. I’ll figure out what to do about my leg another time, but for now, I’m thankful we’re still here. Together.”

He’s right. I try to push the thought of him not being able to walk or surf again out of my head. It’s hard, but I manage.

Carson’s quiet for a moment before squeezing my hand. “Let’s talk about something . . . happy.”

I nod and ask him the first thing that pops into my mind. “Where’s your family?”

He smiles. “I told them to go home for a while.”

“Your dad . . .” I start.

“I know.”

I look up, surprised. “You do?”

“Lani told me you heard. I’m sorry.”

“Oh . . .”

“Don’t worry about him, okay? I’ll take care of it. Once he gets over the fact that I’m doing something else with my life, he’ll be fine. He just wants what he thinks is best for me. He really is a nice guy, just a little overbearing at times. Unfortunately, you haven’t seen the nice part yet, but it’s there.”

I find it strangely reassuring that he’s talking about what he’s going to do with his life. He’s going to be fine. I know it. Even though his leg is gone, he’s still thinking about his future. And why wouldn’t he be? I should be doing the same thing.

He yawns and leans back on his pillow.

“I’m going to let you get some rest.” I swing my legs over the side of the bed but he holds tight to my hand when I try to pull away.

“Don’t go. Not yet.” His expression is pained. “Please.”

I settle back on the bed next to him. “Okay, I won’t leave unless you make me.”

“Have fun spending every night with me then.” I climb in next to him and he puts his arm—the one that isn’t hooked to an IV—around me. I lean against his chest and smile as I hear the wonderful thump of his heart.

I roll my eyes. “Like the nurses or your parents would let that happen.”

He shrugs. “I’m sure they’d be fine. It’s not like I can take advantage of you anyway. I’m too loopy to do anything but lie here.”

I let out a laugh, complete with a snort. I cover my mouth and close my eyes, humiliated.

Carson laughs too, although every movement looks like it causes him pain. When he stops laughing, he looks over at me. “That was cute. You should do it more often.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Snort?”

“Very attractive.”

“Lucas hated it when I did that. He said I sounded like a guy.”

“I don’t snort and I’m a guy.”

“Great. What does that make me then?”

He chuckles and pulls my hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it. “It means you’re beautiful. Snorting or not.”

“That makes me feel a little better. I guess.”

The nurse walks in again and glances at the two of us. “I need to check Carson’s wound now. You probably don’t want to be here when I do that, so you’re welcome to hang out in the waiting room for a bit.”

“She can stay,” he says.

I squeeze his hand, reassuring him that I’m not going anywhere. “Yeah. I think I will.”

CHAPTER 25

The ride home is quiet, save for Mom’s music on the radio. I’m tired. I stayed at the hospital all day and only left because the nurses kicked me out so Carson could sleep.

I glance over at Mom. She looks tired too. “Thanks for taking me today.”

“You’re welcome.”

I sit for a moment and finally get the courage to speak. “You knew about Lucas’s notebook. You wrote in it.”

She doesn’t say anything, just nods and stares at the road.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was keeping something like that?”

“He made me swear not to tell you.”

I could just hear him making her swear some kind of oath or something. I smile. “Sounds like him.”

“Have you finished it yet?”

“No. I can’t bring myself to read the last entry.”

“Read it. He loved you, Oakley. Every time you weren’t at the hospital, he’d keep asking when you were going to come. I’m pretty sure you’re the one he was staying here for. You were his best friend. I hope you know how much you meant to him.”

“He meant more to me,” I say. And he did. Lucas taught me so many things about myself. Before he got sick, when he was sick, and even now. He wasn’t afraid to do things. He wasn’t afraid to just be himself. He saw the good in everything. And from reading his notebook every day, his happiness and the optimistic way he looked at the world is starting to rub off on me. “I miss him.”