Love Always, Damian (24 page)

Chapter 29

Ellie

Blake didn’t push me when he returned. In fact, on the outside, life seemed to go back to normal as if the summer never happened.

Blake takes Lia to the park or to the beach while I work, and the three of us fall back into our standing Friday night dates at our favorite pizza parlor, the one that serves the most amazing ham and pineapple pizza.

Other than stolen glances in each other’s directions, we slipped into a semi-platonic relationship. Not what we had before Australia, though, because after sex, there’s no going back to being “just friends.”

It works because I’m not ready to dive headfirst back into things with him even though I made up my mind that Blake’s the one. Not while Lia’s hung up on Damian.

My professor let me do a short stint with another research group studying the migration of bull sharks off the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. Between the two, she gave me full credit, and I have enough notes to finish my thesis.

So, at the start of fall semester, I keep my mind busy, working non-stop on the paper that’s bound to take up most of my life. Blake holes himself up in the library or in his apartment writing his as well, and we only emerge during the weekends or for three a.m. Starbucks runs to compare notes.

It’s a decent distraction, except I’m not sure how long it will hold.

Talk of what happened between us at Cairns, for now, has been drowned out by statistics, graphs, and temperature patterns. Talk of Damian, however, resumes each night when I tuck Lia in.

“Did he call today?” she asks.

I lift the covers up to her chin. “No, sweetie. He didn’t.”

“Do you think he lost our phone number?”

“I don’t know,” I answer, and the thought of him deleting it leaves a pang of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.

“I want to call him tomorrow,” she decides, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Lia…” I’ve run out of excuses for why we can’t, and I’d prefer not to lie. Cutting him off cold turkey like I did last time is the best option. We’ll both get over him quicker.

Besides, I told him goodbye, and he seems to have actually listened—which is a first for Damian. It’s strange since he wants so badly to be a part of Lia’s life, but I haven’t heard a peep from him since.

And I can’t decide if I’m okay with that or not.

“Lia,” I say again, sliding two fingers down a tendril of her hair. “Damian’s back in school right now too. He’s busy.”

She blinks, thinking. “Then I’ll leave a message, and he can call back when he’s not busy.”

I smile at her rationality. “We’ll see, all right?”

“All right, Mommy,” she concedes.

“Story time?”

Lia gives me a My Little Pony book Damian bought her over the summer. He’d packed it at the very top of one of the boxes he shipped to us. She squealed in delight when she saw it, and we’ve been reading from it every night since.

“Again?” I ask her.

“Yes, please. It reminds me of Daddy.”

I lie down beside her and read. Lia’s head rests against my shoulder, and when I say “The end,” she’s already asleep. I close the book, slowly sneak out from under her, and make sure the blankets are in place. She shifts a little before settling into her pillow.

I kiss her forehead and switch off the lamp. “Good night, my Lia-Kat.”

Softly, I shut her door behind me. I’m exhausted, but I should stay up for a few hours to work on my paper. I grab the laptop off my bed and sit in the kitchen with a cup of hot tea. Notebooks, reference books, and loose paper clutter the table in no time.

I have six internet tabs, two Word docs, and a spreadsheet open on my computer. I switch back and forth between them and reach for the hard copies to cross-reference.

But after an hour, I’ve only typed half a sentence, and I’m not even sure it’s accurate information. I can’t concentrate with thoughts of Damian rolling through my mind. Without thinking, I grab my phone and find his number. Then I stare at it like the digits themselves will tell me what he’s doing and who he’s with.

“You made this bed, Ellie, now lie in it,” I tell myself out loud.

Da, dum. Da dum. Da dum. Da dum, dadum, dadum, dadum.

The theme from
Jaws
sounds from my phone, startling me. Before it grows in intensity, I answer it.

“Hi, Blake,” I say.

“Lia in bed?”

“Yeah, an hour ago.”

“Working, then?”

“Trying to,” I reply, picking up a notebook and flipping through it as if I’d been hard at work when he called.

“Want some company? I’ll bring Starbucks,” he sweet talks in my ear.

Ah, Starbucks.

“Extra foam?”

“Double shot, just how you like it.”

“You’ve got a deal,” I say.

“Great. See you in twenty.”

Twenty minutes later, Blake knocks on the door. “I come bearing gifts.”

“I love you,” I breathe out and take the latté from him. Not until after I’ve taken a sip and he’s staring at me do I realize what I said. I swallow and nervously lick my lips. “Thanks for this,” I clarify.

“Anytime,” he says, his eyes drifting over me the way they did in Cairns.

“So,” I say to break the tension, “how’s yours coming along?”

“Blood sample comparisons were a bitch, but I managed. You?”

“Slow,” I admit. “I don’t have the final reports for the Reef Study, and I need them to analyze body and water temperatures.”

Blake nods. “Yeah, uh, Hannah said she’d send them by the end of this month, so…”

“Oh, good.” I shift my weight and avoid meeting his gaze. As I do, I realize the only thing he brought with him was my coffee. “No laptop tonight? Makes it kind of difficult to work.”

“Yeah, about that. I was hoping we could talk.”

“Right,” I say, nervous because my guess is he doesn’t want to talk about school. “Um, let’s sit on the sofa.”

Blake follows me to the tiny living room. I curl up on one end of the sofa, legs tucked under me, and Blake sits beside me. With both hands cupped around the warm Starbucks cardboard, I take another drink to calm my growing anxiety.

“When you left Cairns, you said you wanted time,” he says. “It’s been three months, Elizabeth.”

“I know,” I answer. I let out a breath before I continue. “Look, Blake, I…I
have
thought about things. And for a while, I thought I had it all figured out, but then…I don’t know. Lia grew pretty attached to Damian, and…”

“Are you in love with him?”

“What?” I say too loudly. “Sorry, I…why would you ask that?”

Blake leans forward, his elbows sitting on his knees. “Lia.”

“Lia? What do you mean?”

“She said that Damian loves you.”

“That’s ridiculous, Blake,” I say, waving it off.

“Is it?”

“Yes, of course. We have a history, but that’s all.”

“I’m not blind, Elizabeth. I’ve watched you tense up every time Lia mentions him, and I’ve seen you get that happy little puppy-love gleam in your eyes when you answer. That ‘history’ you have seems to run deeper than you let on. To be fair, I think I deserve to know what’s going on. What was there between the two of you?”

I lift my face to the ceiling, push a hand through my hair, and sweep the loose strands to one side. The past is the last place I want to go again tonight.

I drop my arm and peer over at Blake. “What was between us? Pain. A lot of pain.”

Blake clenches his jaw. “And what? Lia was born from the tears?”

I hesitate. “Actually, yes. Damian’s tears, not mine. Because by that time, mine had run dry.”

Blake is quiet, carefully studying me. Waiting.

“Before Damian, there was Liam—Damian’s brother. We were together for all four years of high school, had plans of getting married. But then he was killed in a car accident, and I ran to Damian, the only other person I knew who shared my pain. He starting drinking and doing other things, but together, we mourned, we cried—we survived.

“And then Damian found someone. A girl who had cancer. He eventually lost her too, and we conceived Lia the night of Kate’s funeral when Damian was at his most broken.”

I take a deep breath before I continue. “I left Iowa because of Damian, Blake. Because I couldn’t stay there and watch him destroy himself again. Because…” I break our connection when the sting of emotion burns my eyes.

Blake brushes the hair away from my face in time to see a tear slide down my cheek. With a thumb, he wipes it off, but I can’t face him.

“Because you loved him?” Blake asks.

All I can do is nod.

“And now? Do you still?”

I don’t want to answer this question. If I say it out loud, I can’t take it back.

I bite my lip, squeeze my eyelids shut.

Blake is on his knees in front of me. He cups my face, forcing me to look at him. “Do you love him, Elizabeth?”

Slowly, I feel myself nod. “Yes. Yes, I love him.” Hearing myself say the words makes them more real than the pain illuminating Blake’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Blake. I’m so sorry.”

Blake leans back, his touch falling away from me.

“Blake,” I repeat when he doesn’t say anything.

Silence stretches out the distance between us, and that earlier emptiness in my stomach expands. Suddenly, I’m cold.

I don’t know how long we sit there, avoiding each other. Time always lies in these situations.

Finally, Blake eases up off the floor. His gaze meets mine again, his brilliant brown irises duller than I’ve ever seen them. He slides his hands in his pockets like he’s holding himself back from touching me. “I’ll pick Lia up in the morning and take her to the beach so you can catch up.”

“Blake,” I start. “I don’t want—”

“Is ten o’clock okay? Then we’ll meet you for pizza at six?”

“Yeah, sure. Thank you.”

“See you tomorrow, Elizabeth,” he says, walks around the sofa, and lets himself out.

Chapter 30

Damian

I’m swamped. Between homework, prep-classes, and upcoming finals, I don’t go to the cemetery this week. I don’t meet Dad for dinner, either. Hell, I haven’t seen Dylan in three days because I’ve been camped up in my room and the damn library. But if I’m going to ace the MCAT exam next week, show Ellie I’ve changed, I’ve got to keep my head in the game.

“Another?” Daphne, the waitress asks, nodding toward my empty glass of whiskey.

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks,” I say.

She doesn’t leave though. Instead, she slides closer to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder. “Whatcha working on?”

I’m at Max’s for a change in scenery. And with Daphne taking care of me tonight, I must say, the scenery is nice.

Her shirt is unbuttoned low enough to show her D-cup rack, and she’s all over me. Oddly enough, I’ve only tapped this girl once, and that was a year ago. After that she got herself a boyfriend and has been off the market—until now, apparently.

I float my gaze up her body, enjoying every curve, dip, and show of bare skin.

“I have a big exam tomorrow morning,” I say, unable to keep my eyes on hers with those sweet-ass tits—one hundred percent natural, by the way—in my face.

“Oh yeah?” Daphne sits down beside me and crosses a leg over mine. Her short skirt rides up her thigh as she does it. “Is that why you’re a one-drink man tonight?”

I can’t help myself; I graze my fingers over the inner thigh that’s on top of me. Soft. Smooth. Hot.

“Something like that,” I say.

Daphne grins and tucks her lower lip between her teeth in a moan.

I watch her eyelids close as I move further in between her legs. She rolls her hips toward me so she can open herself up more. It’s not much, but it’s enough to find out that she’s wearing crotchless panties.

And she’s already wet.

I glance at my laptop. Organic chemistry or Daphne?

Uncomfortable, I reach down to adjust my hard-as-granite dick, but Daphne’s hand makes it there first.

“I can take care of that for you, Damian. However you’d like me to,” she whispers in my ear, her breath warm on my neck.

Holy fuck.

I’ve been so focused on school—on Ellie—I haven’t been laid in forever. Last time, I was with Cassie for three days straight after Ellie and Lia left. In an effort to earn Ellie and my daughter back, though, I’ve taken more cold showers than any man should have to.

Right now, I’m dying for a good fuck, so it surprises me when I say, “Not tonight, Daphne.”

In response, she cups me a little harder. “You sure about that? ’Cause I can make it worth your while.”

“Oh, trust me, I know. But I can’t.” I pull away so I’m no longer touching her.

“Daphne!” Max hollers from the bar.

“Duty calls,” she says. Then she licks my neck up to my jaw. “You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

“Sure thing.”

Daphne flashes me a seductive grin, swings her leg off me, and stands up so her ass slides up to my elbow. She slithers her skirt down to cover her cheeks before she walks away.

I watch as her hips sway side to side until she disappears behind the bar—and wonder what the hell I’m doing.

I reach for my phone to remind myself. Turn it on and stare at the goofy chocolate milk smile grinning back at me. Then I swipe through until Ellie’s picture fills the screen.

Yeah, I gotta get out of here before Daphne comes back and breaks me. I gather my stuff and dump it in my bag.

I need a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.

~*~

“Cheers, dude,” Dylan says, holding up his cheap beer. “It’s over.”

I do the same. “That was one helluva a test.”

“Damn straight.”

I’m beat. The exam robbed me of all the brain energy I own, and then some.

“How long until our scores arrive?” Dylan asks.

“Four weeks, give or take,” I answer, killing half the bottle in one swig. “Until then, we have finals to keep our asses busy.”

Dylan grins at me in fatherly sort of way. I cringe, thinking he’s going to go all Freud on me again.

“What?” I ask.

“I’m proud of you, man.”

“Oh shit. Don’t lay down an estrogen blast on me, dude.”

Dylan laughs. “Wouldn’t dream of it. Just—”

“Yeah, I know,” I say. “Bottoms up.”

We knock back our beers and grab another.

“I can’t think tonight,” Dylan admits and tosses me an Xbox remote. “We’ve earned it.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

~*~

Ellie

I’m drowning, and I don’t know how to come up for air. Since admitting to Blake I’m in love with Damian, the emotions I worked so hard to control have barreled to the surface. Damian fills my every waking thought. Memories sideswipe me, overtaking me until I break down.

But I fight it.

I have to. Damian was right—he’s not cut out to be a father. No matter how much my heart longs for him, I have to do what’s best for Lia. Even so, I’m dying to call him. I won’t, of course.

Besides, what would I even say? I screamed at him last time, blamed him for everything and conveniently ignored how I carry some guilt too. Maybe if I’d have told him about Lia in the first place, none of this would have happened.

I look up at the pictures of her on the wall. In a straight line, there’s eight total—one taken every six months of her life, starting the day she was born. God, she was such a tiny thing, just over six pounds. I remember when the nurse gave her to me how worried I was that I’d break her.

I didn’t know anything about being a mom back then. I called my own more often than I’d like to admit because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. But I grew up. Learned how to be a parent by experiencing it, and I realize now that I robbed Damian of the same opportunities over the years. Technically, his unrefined parenting skills are on me.

I stare at the Christmas tree box in the corner. Blake’s going to help put it up this weekend. I take a sip of chardonnay.
Home for the Holidays
plays from the iPod, and it crosses my mind how nice that would be. There’s nothing like a white Iowa Christmas.

Damian’s offer to fly us up rings loud in my ears. What’s the worst that can happen if I say yes?

Either way, I need to get control of myself first. The sooner, the better too. Because if I don’t, I’ll sink to the bottom of this whole mess I created.