Love Always, Damian (23 page)

Chapter 27

Damian

“See that little phone icon, there? You tap it to make a call to the person you’re staring at,” Dylan says from behind me.

“Thanks, dickhead. Now go mind your own damn business.”

“Going to work. Later, man.”

I stand up as soon as I hear the backdoor close. I toss my cell on the sofa, then grab a beer from the fridge.

At the cemetery a couple of days ago, I’d decided Ellie and I have to talk. Lia is my daughter too, and I don’t want to lose her. I won’t. And I need to hear Ellie’s voice again.

When we spoke earlier this summer, I could hear her smile as she went on about her trip and the sharks. God, she sounded so happy. She even fucking laughed, and that’s what I can’t get out of my head. I don’t want to either; I want more.

I take a drink and lean back against the cushions. As far as I know, she’s with that Blake guy, though, and I’ve done too much shit that can’t be undone.

You see, when you’re in the pit, the only pain you see is your own, and it’s easy to project it on others. It blinds you as much as it rips you apart and isolates you.

I guess that’s why they call it hell.

I pick up Lia’s Twilight Sparkle from the end table. This little McDonald’s toy bridged the gap between Lia and me, and I haven’t been the same since.

After my daughter arrived, staying sober was no big deal. Hell, I went weeks without getting laid and I hardly thought twice about it.

My little girl filled my time, and I loved listening to the sound of Ellie’s voice when she called and actually talked to me.

I was happy.

It’s been almost two weeks since they left, and now I finally know what I want. I take another swig of beer and reach for my phone. It rings four times before Ellie answers.

“Hello?” She’s quiet and acts like she doesn’t know it’s me.

“Hey, Elle.”

She pauses, and I hear her bed creak as she sits down. “Hey.”

“How’s Lia?” I start. It’s late and she’s probably in bed.

“She’s fine. She’s in bed right now,” Ellie confirms, and I smile, thinking about my daughter holding her blanket and sucking her thumb.

“Did you get the boxes I sent?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

The small talk is killing me, but hearing her voice again is so worth it. Still, I need something more before we move on because I’m longing for it. “Good. Could you do something for me?”

“Depends. What?”

“Laugh.”

Silence fills the phone line. “What?” she finally repeats.

“I want to hear you laugh,” I say again. The request is strange and probably confusing for her, and her hesitation tells me she won’t do it.

She sighs. “Is that why you called? Because there’s nothing funny to laugh at.”

I can’t help notice the tone of her voice has the same studded edge she carried after Liam died. “Yeah, I guess not. Listen, um, I realize I fucked up this summer, Elle.”

“Fucked up, huh?” She breathes out a scoff. “That’s putting it lightly, don’t you think?”

“I think everyone makes mistakes.”

“Not everyone’s
mistakes
puts their kid in danger, Damian. What would have happened if—”

“You don’t think that’s all I’ve thought about?” I say, my voice growing at her accusation. “I didn’t think about anything else while she was gone, Ellie. Not a goddamn thing. I fucking sat at the police station doing nothing except worry about her safety and think about the fact I put her life in danger. So yeah. I know.”

“You got lucky she wasn’t hurt, Damian. You never should have turned your back on her for a second!” she fires back.

I lean forward on the sofa. “You’re telling me you have an eye on her twenty-four-seven? That you don’t glance away ever? Because I’m calling bullshit on that.”

“I told you when you wanted to keep her that she was a handful, and you had to watch her.”

I shoot to my feet. “If you didn’t think I was qualified, then why the fuck did you let her stay?”

“Because I thought maybe it would be good for you.”

I push a hand through my hair and lower my voice. “It
was
good for me, Ellie. That’s what I wanted to tell you if you’d stop screaming at me for a minute. Yes, I messed up big time—I know that. But will you please give me a second chance? I can do better. I
want
to do better.”

“You can’t be serious. Damian, what the hell? Are you drunk?” The disdain in her voice stabs me in the gut.

“No, I’m not,” I say calmly because she has to understand. “But yeah, I’m serious. Look, let me fly you both up here for Christmas break. We can talk, sort shit out, and—and—Lia can play in the indoor pool at Dad’s.”

The silence on the other end is deafening, and I hope to God she’s considering my offer. It’s far enough down the road for me to do what I have to do—show Ellie I’m responsible and can be a good father to Lia.

When she doesn’t answer, I add, “I want to see my daughter again.”

“You got Lia kidnapped, Damian.
Kidnapped
! What makes you think you deserve to see her again?” she snaps, and I lose it.

“She’s my
daughter
, dammit! That’s why!”

“You want to be a father
now
, Damian? After everything?”

“If we’re going to play that game, what category do you think you’d fall under? You
hid
her from me for four years.” It surprises me that I threw that in her face, but that shit needs to be dealt with.

“I
protected
her.”

“No. You protected yourself.”

“So what if I did? Isn’t that all you’re doing with the girls and the drinking and the visits to the cemetery? Sounds like the same song, different verse.”

“Songs end, Elle. Give me another shot.”

She doesn’t answer, and I can guess by her muffled breaths that she’s crying. It’s like mental torture for me, so I try to explain another way.

“I want to be Lia’s father, and not the kind that calls once in a while, sends a birthday card, and sees her every other weekend and half the holidays. I want to do it right, and if you give me the chance I’m asking for, I want to do it with you, Elle. The three of us—together.”

Ellie sniffles on the other end, but still doesn’t say anything.

“I can do this, Ellie. Please.”

Finally, she sighs heavy into the receiver. “I’m only going to say this once, okay? I transferred to Florida to get away from everything there. To leave all that stuff in my past where it belongs.” Her voice cracks as she continues. “And that includes you. I think it’s best if…”

Fuck.

“You don’t mean that,” I say, and I know I’m right because she doesn’t sound like this when she’s confident. “Give me until Christmas, Ellie. I’ll prove to both of you I can change—that I
have
changed. I’ve got a plan, and I want both of you to be a part of it.”

“Because you love Lia?” she whispers, her voice breathy and heavy at the same time.

“Yes, Elle. I love her so much,” I say, half-smiling because maybe I’ve convinced her.

A few silent moments pass before she says, “Thank you for the offer. It sounds beautiful, Damian, really. And a few years ago I would have accepted it in a heartbeat, but…”

I know what’s coming; I can hear it in her voice. I back up against a wall. “No, Elle. Don’t do this.”

She takes a deep breath to hide how upset she is. “I’ll send you pictures. Maybe after things settle down…you can call her sometime.”

I’m shaking my head as she talks. “Don’t cut me off, Elle. I’m begging you.”

“I’m sorry. I have to,” she murmurs.

“You don’t, Elle. I can make this right, I swear to you.”

“Damian.” The way she says my name makes me wish I were there to hold her and make her understand. “It’s too late.”

“Don’t say that. It’s never too late,” I plead, my own voice on the edge of a knife.

“I’m sorry,” she repeats. Her voice is barely above a whisper, letting me know she doesn’t really want to say what she says next. “Goodbye, Damian.”

“Ell—”

But she’s already hung up.

I bow my head, gather the hair on top, and pull.

“Goddammit!” I yell.

Because, fuck—

I missed my shot.

~*~

Ellie

I end the call, hug the phone to my chest, and squeeze my eyes shut. I hold my breath to push down the urge to cry. I’d imagined him saying he wanted to be with us for so long, and I had to fight myself to not scream yes. He loves Lia, and I love that he does, but he’s irresponsible. Loving her just isn’t good enough, no matter how much I want it to be.

Still, I don’t want to let him go. It hurt so much, but I had to do it. Hanging on to him was killing both of us.

I finally suck in air only to blow it out slowly. I’ve waited so long for him to become the man I know deep down he is. Now, it’s time to let go.

The smart thing to do is move on with Blake. With time, I can learn to love him the way I want to, because he loves Lia
and
me, and he’s already proven himself to be responsible.

I roll to my side and pull a pillow into my arms.

I did the right thing—

Right?

Chapter 28

Ellie

I feel a little better in the morning. Fantastic, actually.

Because I’ve made up my mind. I’m sticking to the plan—I’m moving on. I’ve tortured myself enough when it comes to Damian, and I refuse to do it any longer.

I’m ready to be happy, dammit. Past experience has taught me I don’t find happiness with Damian, and I’m tired of living in those long-gone shadows. He needs to face his ghosts and fight his demons before he’ll ever be able drop the weight he carries. Forgive himself.

Stop going to the cemetery.

And until that happens, I’m done putting myself and my daughter in his self-destructive path. I gave him a shot when I left Lia with him; he fired in the dark, and he missed. End of story.

“Mommy? Are you okay?” my Lia-Kat asks.

I look up to see her standing in the doorway to my bedroom. Escaped hair pokes out from the French braid I put in last night.

“I am now. Come here,” I say, holding my arms out to her.

She shuffles over to me, frowning. Then she stops just out of my reach.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Blue eyes pour into me like honey, sweet and thick. “Do you think Daddy will come for us?”

“What do you mean? Like drive here to see you?”

“No, like come here and take us back home with him. So we can be a family.” Her pouty face slices into me, and I hate the way it makes me feel.

“Oh, sweetie.” I lean forward to scoop her up onto my lap. “Your dad…he, uh…” I trail off because I have no idea what to tell her. Anything having to do with Damian is complicated.

“He what?” Lia asks, blinking. Her long lashes partially conceal her irises the same way Damian’s do.

“He’s had a lot of hard years. You see, a long time ago—”

“Grandma and Uncle Liam died. Yeah, I know,” she says, and the corner of her lips pulls to the side, revealing a dimple.

I don’t even try to hide my surprise. “Oh. How did you know that?”

“He took me to visit them—and Kate.”

“He did?”

She nods. “Hmm-hmm. He told me about the symbols on the gravestones, and Kate had a necklace he keeps on his dresser that matches hers. He said it stands for hope, and when she got sick, she never gave up hope because she loved her family. She didn’t give up on the people she loved.”

“He told you all that?” I ask, amazed she remembers. Then again, I shouldn’t be. She remembers everything.

“He loves us, Mommy.”

“Baby, I—”

“We’re his family,” she says. “Like that girl, he won’t give up on us.”

I’m at a loss for what to say. That may have been what Kate was like, but Damian? Maybe that was true before he lost everyone.

But that was then and this is now. And now, Damian’s going to break her little heart when he sinks into his same old pattern of letting pain control him.

~*~

I tuck Lia in and read her a story. One she’s heard a thousand times but loves just as much as the first.

“Mommy?” she says after a yawn.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

I lean down and kiss her forehead. “I love you too, sweet girl. Good night.”

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Did you ever love Daddy?”

I smooth a palm over her blankets. “I used to,” I finally say. Then I stand up and walk toward the door, hoping our Q and A is finished.

It’s not.

“Mommy?”

I turn around. “Hmm-hmm?”

“Will you again?”

I reach for her doorknob to buy myself a few extra seconds. “I don’t know.”

“Think about it, okay?” she says, and I smile at her grown-up tone.

“Okay. I’ll think about it. Good night,” I repeat and close the door.

After a quick shower, I lie in bed and skim through my missed calls. There’s a handful of them, but none from Damian.

Since he called last night, I’ve thought about nothing else. Just hearing his ringtone and knowing his voice would greet me has my resolve shaking.

This moment reminds me of that one life-changing scene in the movies where the girl is at a crossroads. It’s one road or the other; it can’t be both.

Blake or Damian.

The regrets will be there, they always are. That’s life. You live with them, learn from them, and get on.

And the funny thing is, I already made my choice, so it’s ridiculous that I’m sitting here swaying once again. In fact, I made my decision a long, long time ago.

I tap on his picture and hold the phone to my ear. He answers right away.

“Hey, babe.”

I smile at the sound of his voice. The sound of Lia’s and my future.

“Hey, Blake.”

~*~

Damian

The first week of senior classes kicked my ass, and the second week wasn’t any better. For the first time since Liam died, I actually have to study—sober.

It’s a bitch too, because Ellie’s in my head nonstop. I even sent Cassie packing a couple of weeks ago.

My efforts may be futile, but I’m not giving up yet. If Kate taught me anything, it’s that there’s always hope, and that little moment of hesitation when Ellie said goodbye gives me the sliver I need to hang on.

I know Ellie, maybe better than anyone, and I know when there’s more she doesn’t say. I used to wake up to her sobs, and a few times, they didn’t come from beside me—they came from Liam’s room. I never went in there, though.

I think of the time I caught her standing by the window in my bedroom.

Moonlight burst through the crack in the curtains as she peered outside. She crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself. Wearing nothing except the white button-up shirt I had on earlier, she looked so sexy, and I was an asshole for wanting to take it off her and lead her back to my bed while she was crying.

She reached up and wiped a tear from her face. With the light coming in, I saw her bite her lip to hold back another sob. It didn’t quite work, though, and she buried her face in her palms.

I promised Liam I’d take care of his girl, so I threw on a pair of boxers and walked over to her.

“Thinking about Liam?” I asked, because I didn’t know of any other reason why she’d be upset.

Her attention snapped to me like I startled her. “Did I wake you?”

“Yeah. What’s wrong?”

She hugged herself tighter, and part of me wanted to pull her against me. I didn’t though, because that was too intimate for the relationship we shared.

“Nothing. I couldn’t sleep.” She didn’t look at me when she said it.

“Right. Well, I’m awake now,” I said, and reached out to unbutton her shirt. “I can help you sleep.”

On instinct, she stepped back a little. Then stopped herself. “I’m not sure if it will.”

“Oh yeah? It always has before.”

Her lips trembled, and she averted her gaze from me. Her hair covered her face as she wiped her eyes. When she returned to me, she gave me a tiny smile.

“Maybe I should just go.”

I shook my head. “Not until you tell me what that was all about.”

She stared at me, not saying anything. Pain flashed in her eyes, and I was close to walking away from her so I didn’t have to see it.

“What are we even doing, Damian?” she finally said.

“Being there for each other,” I said, not sure where she was going.

“No, not right now. This whole thing, this…relationship between us.”

“You want out?”

She hesitated. “No.”

“Then I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.” I slipped my hands under her shirt and glided them up her waist. She shivered under my touch, so I undid the rest of the buttons and slid the material off her shoulders. Circled my arms around her and brought her into me, skin on skin.

I kissed the nape of her neck, and she tilted her head to let me. She swallowed against my mouth.

I cupped her face in my palms. “Close your eyes,” I instructed, and she obeyed. Slowly, I brought her lips to mine and kissed them. “If you need a reason, Elle, it’s because we understand each other. Because when we’re together, we’re whole.”

I pull a hand through my hair and gaze over the pile of textbooks on my bed. Somehow, I need to get cracking. I have a ten page paper due at nine in the morning, and if by any miracle my plan to get Ellie and Lia back in my life is going to work, I can’t fail this class.