Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) (16 page)

Marc gave a curt nod and walked her to her Camry. She hesitated
before getting in the car, hoping he’d say something to alleviate
the tension. Suddenly he reached out and pulled her into his arms. As
his lips met hers, Julia sensed a desperation in his kiss—and
somehow it felt like goodbye. She grew cold at the thought.

Before completely pulling away, he let his mouth graze her temple.
Then, putting his hands in his pockets, he stepped away, leaving
nothing for Julia to do but get in her car and go.

Chapter Sixteen

As soon as Julia’s car was out of sight, Marc trudged up the stairs
to his apartment and changed into a T-shirt and shorts. He pulled on
his running shoes and jerked the lace so hard, it snapped in his
hand.

It took him a while to locate a replacement shoestring, which did
nothing to improve his mood. When finally ready to go out, he grabbed
his iPod. Turning up the volume louder than was probably safe, he
left his building and began his usual five-mile run.

He used to run to stay in shape but lately it had more to do with
expending confusion and frustration rather than exercise. His
struggle against his attraction to Julia had proved futile. And now
that he’d held her in his arms, it would only make the inevitable
more difficult. There was no future for them, and he berated himself
for dragging things out. His prayers for God to remove his desire for
her had come to nothing. If anything, he desired her more every time
they were together.

He’d barely been able to restrain himself from speaking words of
love to her today. It was like trying not to breathe. If he did
confess his heart to her, then what next? There were only two
options—marriage or heartbreak. Since he doubted Julia would ever
consider him in the light of a husband, heartbreak was the only
logical end. The longer he prolonged things, the more it would tear
them both up.

Marc knew Julia was in a vulnerable place right now. She was away
from her normal environment and there were probably some spiritual
issues she was dealing with. In talking, she’d unwittingly revealed
clues to deep hurts and disappointments by her family in the past.
He’d be calloused to court her in such circumstances.

He’d always hoped to marry and raise a family, but he’d imagined
finding a wife would be a more cerebral process. More like a meeting
of minds, a comfortable easing into a relationship with the chosen
mother of his children. But his feelings, his love for Julia, felt
more like an illness. An illness he had no wish to recover from.

Marc’s parents had always exhorted him to guard his heart, to avoid
casual romantic relationships, and instead wait for the woman God had
for him. For the most part, he’d been content to heed their advice,
planning to express love only to the woman he married. But where did
Julia fit in? Knowing how much her job meant to her seemed to
preclude her from what he could offer.

The sidewalk stretched out in endless yards before him, cracked and
warped from use and the roots of old trees. He ran harder.

Maybe I’m not meant to be married, because if I can’t have
Julia, I don’t want anyone at all
.

***

Julia believed one of the best remedies for an aching heart was
housework.
My own house therefore, testifies to the fact that I
must’ve had a chronic heart condition for the past thirteen years
.
She’d gone through a failed marriage, dragging grief, and difficult
family problems. Subsequently, everything was spotless.

Today, Sara’s house got the treatment. Never mind that the maid
service would be there in the morning. Julia wiped her brow with a
shaking hand. This was the result of daring to think about a serious
relationship—about marriage again. Surely her first attempt
should’ve killed any ambitions in that direction for the rest of
her life.

Julia sank onto a living room chair and put her head in her hands,
squeezing her eyes shut against the onslaught of unwelcome memories.
Would she ever be able to bury her nightmarish past? She could still
taste the fear when Kevin's parents told her they’d found the body
of her new husband, dead from an overdose. Instead of a honeymoon,
she'd ended up attending a funeral.

She’d known Kevin was recovering from a drug addiction, knew she’d
been taking a chance. But in those days she really believed she had
enough love for the both of them. By the strength of her will she
would help him break free forever. And he would love her all the more
for it. Hadn't he believed it as well?

Julia pressed her hands against her ears, still hearing
the jeers of her mother and friends saying
I told you so
. Even
her beloved father had lashed out of his own hurt and anger. Only
Brian had remained silent, offering the comfort of a shoulder to cry
on. She shuddered as she forced the memories back into the vault of
her mind. There was no point in dwelling on what she couldn't change.
She rubbed her arms, suddenly cold.
What a basket case. No wonder
Marc is shying away
.
He could probably tell his life would be
a disaster if he hooked up with me. Smart man
.

The doorbell rang, bringing her head up with a snap.
Julia stood and smoothed back a lock of hair that had escaped during
her exertions. Not wanting Sara and the baby to be disturbed, she
hurried to the front door. On the other side of the threshold Marc
stood with a giant bouquet of flowers and balloons. Julia pressed a
hand against her heart, as if she could control its desperate
thumping.

“
I have a special delivery for the Farris family,”
he said with a guarded smile.

Julia stepped aside to let him in, amazed at the
calmness of her voice. “Sara and Alan are resting right now, but
I’ll see that they get these as soon as they’re awake.”

Julia received the bouquet and took it into the kitchen.
When she returned to the living room where he waited, she had no idea
what to say to him. Yesterday, she’d been in his embrace. Today, he
seemed like a stranger.

“
I also have something for the new aunt on the front
porch.”

Her breath caught at the warm tone of his voice and her
treacherous heart pounded in response. Marc led her outside into the
deep shadow of the porch, where he picked up a red rose and handed it
to her. She lowered her eyes and brought the flower to her nose,
unsure of what to say.

“
Julia,” he said after a moment, “I want to ask
you to forgive me for the way I acted yesterday afternoon.”

He didn’t offer an explanation and Julia didn’t
require one. It was enough that he wanted to see her. She stared up
at him, muddled by his nearness.

Marc stepped closer, standing close enough that she felt
the warmth of his body. “You have no idea how much I want to kiss
you right now,” he whispered.

“
Yes, I do.”

He dipped his head and brushed his lips across hers.
Julia’s arms stole around his neck and he kissed her again, this
time with little restraint. How could such a simple act push back the
darkness that crowded her heart and mind?

The piercing wail of an infant ended the moment. She
lowered her arms with reluctance. “Maybe baby Alan is shocked at
our behavior.”

His low laugh encased her in a place of belonging. He
kissed her one last time before releasing her completely. “Can I
see you later this evening?”

Julia nodded, still dazed from his touch.
You just
name the time
.

***

On a Sunday night before her first day at the college,
Brian and Sara celebrated their second wedding anniversary. Julia
held Alan while Sara prepared to go out to dinner with her husband.
Brian had to talk her into the date as she was reluctant to leave her
four-week-old baby for even a moment. After he agreed to be gone only
two hours, Sara had finally capitulated.

She rattled off reams of advice and instructions to Julia while
absently brushing her hair. Julia nodded and reassured her everything
would be fine. Soon Brian managed to coax her out the door, leaving
Julia alone in the big house.

With Alan in her arms, she went into the living room and settled on
the couch. Haunting Scottish music with lilting vocals came from the
stereo and had a tranquilizing effect on her as she sat in the low
light from the torchière lamp.

Julia regarded the sleepy bundle in her arms and wondered at the
heady magic a newborn possessed. His tiny head was crooked at a funny
angle against her chest and his rosebud mouth formed a little O while
he softly breathed, his tummy full from a vigorous feeding. She
pressed a kiss on his forehead, wondering if she’d ever have a
little one of her own.

Julia closed her eyes as her thoughts once again turned to Marc.
Interspersed with finalizing details for the college job, the last
few weeks had been an intense time together, whether driving up to
the mountains or walking along the tree lined city streets, watching
the leaves turn colors. She blushed as she thought of the increasing
insistence of their kisses, contrasted by the subtle agreement to
avoid plumbing the status of their relationship. She wasn’t
precisely sure where she stood, yet she was unwilling for it to end.

A light tap on the front door halted her musings. Looking up, Julia
saw Marc enter the door left open to invite in cooling breezes. He
smiled when he saw her and walked over to where she sat. Leaning
down, he dropped a light kiss on her lips before sitting next to her
on the couch.

“How’s the babysitter?” Marc stretched his arm along the
back of the couch. His fingers strayed to the curve of her neck,
sending shivers up her spine.

“I’m doing much better now,” she said with a meaningful look.

A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as he returned her
gaze. The baby stirred, rubbing his face against her blouse. Julia
tried to make him more comfortable by shifting him.

“May I?” Marc asked.

She nodded, carefully transferring Alan to him. He settled the baby
against his chest and rubbed his little back until he was breathing
evenly again.

“Sara had a tough time leaving him behind tonight.”

Marc smiled. “She’s a good mom.”

“She is.”

Searching her eyes, he raised his brows. “Are you all ready for
tomorrow?”

“Yes. I’m looking forward to getting this assignment started.”

Marc traced the pattern on the arm of the couch with his finger. “Is
our...relationship going to be a problem?”

Julia was unable to meet his eyes for a moment. Finally she lifted
her shoulders. “I honestly don’t know.”

He lapsed into silence—his expression edged with the strain of the
unknown that mirrored her own. The moody music drew them into their
own private thoughts.

After a while, Marc sighed and turned his head toward Julia. She met
his gaze, her heart brimming with emotion she couldn’t confess.

Shifting on the couch, he moved closer until his lips came to rest
against her temple. “What are we going to do, Julia?”

Not having any answers, she tipped her face up to his. His kiss was
one of sweetness and longing, causing a deep melancholy to well up
within her. Julia cupped his face with her hand and kissed him back
with all the love in her heart.

The sudden sound of voices drew them apart. Looking toward the door,
her eyes widened when Brian and Sara walked into the living room. The
expressions on their faces told her they’d seen plenty. Brian’s
face remained placid, but his eyes held a glimmer of amusement.
Sara’s was a blend of surprise and confirmed suspicion.

Blushing furiously, Julia stood and sent an imploring glance down at
Marc. He stood up with an air of nonchalance and handed Alan back to
his mother.

Sara smiled like the Cheshire Cat. “We came back a little early.”

“I noticed,” Julia said under her breath.

“So, how much do we owe you?” Brian asked with a grin.

She blinked in confusion. “What?”

Marc smiled and put his arm around her. “No charge,” he said,
leading her out the front door.

When they were out of earshot, Julia turned to him, tugging on his
hand. “How embarrassing!”

He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“What, are you ashamed to be seen with me?”

She glared at him. “Of course not! How can you even think something
like that? I’m ashamed I got caught necking on their couch!”

He grinned. “We weren’t necking.”

“Close enough!”

Marc put his hands on her shoulders. “Want me to show you the
difference?”

Julia’s lips twitched into a reluctant smile as some of her
mortification eased. “Very funny.”

He pulled her into his arms and she rested her head on his chest. She
felt as content as little Alan had a few minutes earlier.

“I should go now,” he said, pressing his cheek against her hair.
“Let me know how tomorrow goes, okay?”

When she nodded, he added, “Maybe we could have dinner together,
too.”

Julia nodded again and hugged him tightly. When he finally released
her and left, she fought a suffocating feeling of loss.

Chapter Seventeen

Julia arose the next morning with a sense of purpose. At
least work didn’t need any explanation or soul-searching.
Everything was black and white. Adrenaline surged through her while
she dressed for her meeting with Spencer Meyers. The familiar routine
of preparing for work lent her a feeling of security. She pushed away
crowding thoughts about how this would affect her relationship with
Marc.
Surely everything will work itself out
.

She put on a sea green crepe de Chine dress with a
square neckline and fitted waist. Adding pumps and an essential
bracelet or two after putting her hair up in a softly conservative
style, she felt her appearance was businesslike without compromising
femininity.