Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) (20 page)

“
Maybe you should give up photography and cater to me,
Marc. Maybe it’s you who doesn’t have the right priorities.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling incapable of
articulating what had seemed so obvious in his mind a short time ago.
“I'm not asking you to give anything up. You're so good at what you
do. But there's no room for anything, or anyone else. If we were to
marry and have children, where would they fit in?”

“
Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?”

Marc felt his face flush. “Think it through. What hope
do we have of making a relationship work when we’re never
together?”

Julia resumed gathering her bags and purse. She headed
for the door. He followed, despising himself for the pain he’d
caused her. He rubbed the back of his neck, now desperately wanting
to stall for time. “Maybe we could try to talk this through.”

“
I don’t know, Marc. Sounds to me like you have it
all figured out.”

He followed her to the door and reached out for her.
“Julia—”

She turned. When she saw his outstretched hand, she
backed up until she bumped into the wall behind her. “Don’t touch
me.”

Marc felt as if he’d been slapped. His hand dropped to
his side. Julia wrenched open the door and walked out. After a
moment, he followed, determined at least to see that she safely made
it to her car.

When he reached the ground floor, the manager’s door
opened. His landlady came out into the hall and stopped him. He
flicked a glance in her direction, impatient to continue after Julia,
but she blocked his way.

“
I hope it was all right to let that woman into your
apartment. She seemed very nice and said she had something special
planned for you. Is that your girlfriend, then?”

Marc’s shoulders drooped in defeat.
Was
, he
thought bleakly.
Was
.

Chapter Twenty-One

Julia stole quietly through the back door of the bed and
breakfast the next morning to make a phone call before leaving for
work. She’d forgotten to put her cell phone on the battery charger
the night before.

Her brother’s truck was gone, so she knew he’d
already left for the day. Julia could only hope Sara and Alan were
still asleep. The kitchen was empty.
So far, so good
. She
reached out for the phone and suddenly heard a noise behind her.

“
Good morning, Julia.”

Julia spun around. “I’m fine!”

Sara surveyed her with a raised brow. With a sinking
sensation, Julia realized her sister-in-law hadn’t asked her how
she was doing. She plastered a smile on her face. “Sorry. I wasn’t
expecting you to be up so early and you startled me.”

Sara shrugged. “You and my husband both. But for once,
I’m up early.” She came closer and peered at her face. “How
are
you, anyway?”

Julia looked away. “Like I said...fine. I just need to
make a quick phone call, then I’ll be out of your way.”

“
You’re not in my way. As a matter of fact, I was
hoping to talk to you. Stay for coffee. Please.”

“
Oh, goodness, I wish I could,” she said brightly.
“But I really do need to get going.”

Sara placed a hand on her shoulder. “No offense, but
you don’t look so good. Have a seat.”

Sara’s firm but concerned tone brooked no argument.
Suddenly Julia didn’t have an ounce of fight left in her. She sank
onto a chair at the kitchen table and stared sightlessly into the
middle distance.

Sara ground coffee beans and filled the coffee maker
with water from the tap. After turning the machine on, she joined her
at the table.

Feeling conversation was expected of her, Julia cleared
her throat. “So, how is little Alan doing? Is he sleeping better?”

Sara nodded. “Better. He’s asleep now.” She went
on to describe each adorable coo and wiggle, her voice full of pride.
Then, she straightened up. “But I really want to talk about you.”

Julia braced herself for the question she knew would
come. Sara looked down at her hands for a moment before scrutinizing
her face. “I haven’t wanted to interfere in your personal life,
but the admirable restraint I’ve exhibited so far is at an end.”
She leaned forward. “Just what is going on between you and Marc?”

Under the table, Julia gripped her icy hands together in
her lap, struggling to maintain her composure. “Nothing.”

“
Nothing?
” Sara replied with obvious
disbelief in her eyes.

“
I think the coffee’s ready.”

Sara looked up. “So it is.” She got up and went over
to the coffeemaker. “How do you want it this morning?”

“
Half skim milk and half coffee, please. If that
wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

She smiled gently. “I do believe you’re stalling for
time.”

Julia couldn't think of a response so she remained
silent. A moment later, Sara placed a mug of coffee in front of her
and returned to her seat.

“
So we were talking about nothing, if I remember
correctly.”

Julia glanced at the slender gold wristwatch on her arm.
“I really do need to head out.”

Sara pinned her with a look. “You’re always in
Portland—”

“
That's mostly for the consultation project.”

“—
and you have obviously passed the friendship stage
with Marc, so I just assumed you have something going.”

She shook her head.

Sara’s eyes widened. “Julia, you’re crying!”

“
No, I’m not.”

“
Then why do you have tears running down your face?”

Julia made a valiant effort to sniff silently. “They’re
just stress compounds being released through the tear ducts in my
eyes. It’s the body’s way of relieving stress. So I’m not
really crying. You could call it...leaking.” She sniffed again and
swallowed.

“
Leaking?” Sara leaned forward and touched her arm.
“Maybe what’s wrong is that there was something between you and
Marc and now there isn’t?”

Stress-filled fluids ran in a torrent down Julia's
cheeks. She hiccupped, but didn’t disagree.

“
Oh, Julia, I’m so sorry. I always seem to say the
wrong thing at the wrong time.” Sara grabbed a box of tissues from
the kitchen counter and put it in front of her.

With shaking hands, Julia took a tissue and held it to
her eyes. She desperately tried to stem her weeping, but any effort
only seemed to make matters worse. She was halfway through the box of
tissues before her blurred vision began to clear.

“
I’m sorry you have to witness such a pitiful
sight,” she said, her voice wobbly. “The consulting assignment
isn’t going that great and I guess I’m more stressed out than I
thought.”

Sara opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Then she
snapped her mouth shut, unable to mask her astonishment.

“
Please don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine,
really. It was an unfortunate experience that I’m putting behind
me, so you shouldn’t be concerned.”

“
Unfortunate? Are we talking about the job or Marc
now?”

Julia wiped her nose as daintily as possible, despising
her muddled state. “Sometimes it’s easy for two people to become
confused. Especially someone like me, who’s been confused for a
long time.” She gave a humorless laugh. “I’m sure there must be
some Freudian name for it. Whatever the technical term, it was a
brief episode and now it’s over. Mistakes happen. What matters is
the ability to learn from them and move on.” After delivering such
a speech, Julia sagged in her chair.

Sara’s brows furrowed. She didn’t appear convinced.
“So...that’s it?”

She nodded. “I’m just sorry you had to see me like
this. I don’t know how I lost control.”

“
You’re human, Julia.” After a moment, she said,
“Let me make sure I understand this. Did Marc break up with you?
Did you love him? You seem to me to be broken-hearted.” Sara
frowned, muttering to herself. “I can’t believe Marc would do
something like this to you!”

Julia grabbed her arm. “Do
not
talk to him
about this, Sara. Do you understand?”

She nodded, biting her lip. “I guess coming to Oregon
hasn’t been everything Brian promised you it would be.”

Julia didn’t respond. She took a deep breath and
stood, leaving her coffee untouched. “I’ll see you later.”

Alan began to cry in the other room and Sara got up to
comfort her son while Julia went out the back door. His cries sounded
as forlorn as she felt.

***

A few miles down the road, Julia pulled over to the
shoulder. She parked under the shade of a giant fir tree and turned
off the Camry’s engine. Releasing her death-grip on the steering
wheel, her breathing eventually returned to normal.

Giving herself a hard look in the rearview mirror, she
knew there was no way she could go into work looking the way she did.
Even if she could keep her sunglasses on, her nose was red and her
voice raspy from prolonged weeping.

This morning’s crying jag had only been a continuation
of the tears that began the minute she left Marc’s apartment the
evening before. The drive home had passed in a watery blur, and the
night had been a sleepless one. She hoped by morning she’d have a
semblance of control.
Boy, was I wrong
.

Julia sat wondering what to do next. How could she go to
work and function normally when her life had been so utterly
shattered? The nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty flickered briefly through
her mind.
How can I be put back together again?

Another glance in the mirror made her feel disgusted
with herself. She was a mess. How many times had she seen women
devastated by men, unable to function? Julia judged them harshly in
her mind. Now, she found herself in the same situation and only
wanted a quiet place to go where she could lick her wounds in peace.

If only Sara had stayed in her room. Julia
had
hoped she could make it through the day—until Sara started poking.
Brushing a wayward tear from her face, she turned the key in the
ignition and pulled back onto the road.

She wondered where a good hideout might be located, a
place where she could have a measure of solitude and maybe even get
something worthwhile accomplished. Just because one’s life had been
wrenched apart, work still had to get done. Tears and recriminations
were a flat out waste of time.

Julia thought of going to Bibliophiles, but immediately
rejected the idea. Even though she knew Marc wouldn’t be there, she
didn’t want to go anyplace reminding her of him. That basically
ruled out all of downtown Portland.

A few miles outside of the city, she took the next exit,
which led to Lake Oswego. As she wended her way through the town, the
impressive homes and gorgeous landscaping reminded her a little of La
Jolla, the affluent suburb of San Diego where her mother lived.

Julia found a charming little English tea room, and
decided it sounded like a good place to find solace for a while. She
spoke to the manager about occupying a table for the day. Her
purchase of a set of fine bone china along with some books featuring
photographs of English gardens made her request agreeable to the
woman in charge. Julia stashed the purchases in her car, planning to
keep them on hand for any upcoming birthdays or weddings.

The notion of weddings brought a wave of sadness to the
fore. Julia bitterly fought against it, taking deep breaths and
angrily blinking away fresh moisture in her eyes. How stupid she’d
been to imagine she had any future with Marc. To be brutally honest,
she’d seen the warning signs—his mood changes and reticence to
take that next step. As usual, she’d ignored them, sure that if she
just tried a little harder, her story would have a happy ending.

That had been the pattern to her relationship with
Kevin. Looking back, she could see how unwise she’d been to add the
responsibility of marriage on someone already struggling with
tremendous problems. Then, she’d truly believed her love would be
enough to cure Kevin’s ills, and that together, they would vanquish
any dragons that threatened their happiness.

One would think I’d have learned my lesson
. But
she fell so hard and fast for Marc that it took her breath away.
Slowing down to think things through would’ve been good advice. Now
it was way too late.

Julia bit her lip hard to stop from crying out and
dragged her mind away from her heartache.

She called Spencer to let him know she wouldn't be in
for the day, blowing out a breath after hanging up, relieved he
didn’t require involved explanations.

She settled into a booth and ordered a pot of chamomile
tea. When the tea was served, she took a sip from her cup and the hot
beverage restored a measure of warmth to her body.

I can get through this. I’ve cried enough tears.
It’s time to go on
.
Even if it kills me, I’ll get over
Marc and get on with my life
. The idea of life without him
brought a new rush of heat behind her eyes. She considered
confronting him, demanding an explanation. Perhaps even initiate a
plan to win him back. But she’d forced herself on a man before and
she’d vowed never to do it again.