Light My Fire (11 page)

Chapter Nineteen

♬

Prudence Clearwater

That night, I had a horrific dream about Cash. Well, it wasn’t a bad one. It was actually sweet, tender, and romantic. But the fact it wasn’t real made me sob in my sleep.

I sat up, my sheets soaked with my sweat and tears. I gripped my chest and breathed deeply, trying to push the tendrils of the dream away. I missed Cash and loved being in his arms, but that recollection was too much, not when he didn’t love me.

My door opened and Dean sat beside me. He was shirtless with a look of concern in his eyes. He didn’t speak. His hand went to my back and supported me, letting me shed a thousand tears.

I covered my face with my hands and let my despair go. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I would never find a love like Cash—never again. And now he was gone forever.

Dean pulled me to his chest and rocked me back and forth. “They go away eventually, I promise.”

I loved Dean. He understood me like no one else. After losing his wife, he knew what it was like to lose the person you cared m
ost about. And without him, I don’t know where I’d be.

“It’s okay,” he whispered.

I finally stifled my tears and wiped the moisture from my cheeks. “When will I stop feeling like this?”

Dean ran his fingers through my hair. “Always. But it gets easier over time.”

That didn’t make me feel better.

“But I’m always here,” he said gently. “The dreams of Winnie still come to me. But now I treasure them.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on for dear life. “I wish he loved me…”

“Well, I do. And that’s better than nothing.”

“I suppose.”

Dean held me for an hour before I finally calmed down. Then he rose from the bed. “You know where to find me.” He reached for the door.

“Wait.” I couldn’t hide the plea in my voice.

He turned around and stared at me.

“Please don’t go.”

Dean’s eyes softened as he looked at me. Then he got underneath the covers beside me. His arms created steel cages around my body, protecting me from the horrors of my mind. The warmth of his body and protection lulled me to sleep.

♫

Our relationship had changed irrevocably. Dean looked at me differently, and I felt the same. It was the first time I slept with anyone but Cash. And it actually felt good.

When we arrived at the airport, we checked in our belongings then sat in first class. I marveled at the privilege of flying in something besides coach. While we were sitting, I opened a magazine and leafed through it.

Dean’s gaze was glued to my face. “How are you feeling?”

I knew what he was really asking. “I didn’t have any more dreams.”

He nodded.

“I’m sorry I broke down on you like that.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” he said gently.

“Being at that show…just brought back memories. Cash always came to every show, flowers in hand. It was hard not seeing him there.”

“I understand.”

“He disappeared so suddenly it makes me wonder if what we had was real. I feel like I’ve built him up bigger in my head, making my love for him unreal. I can’t explain it…”

Dean rested his hand on mine then drew circles in my skin. “You wonder if you love his memory more than you did him.”

Only Dean would get me. “Yes.”

“I feel the same way. Somehow I love her more with every passing year. It’s not healthy…”

“What’s wrong with us?” I said sadly.

“We’ve loved and loss. It just seems like we can’t let it go.”

I looked out the window, knowing he was right. I harbored every pain I felt and never released it. It’s just how I was. But it was a bad habit. One that should end. But I couldn’t let Cash go…”

“But it will get better. I promise.” Dean took out his
ipad and checked his correspondence for the rest of the flight.

I remained motionless in my sleep, still thinking about the dream I had. I had Cash’s number. All I had to do was call…but I couldn’t. What would I even say? He’d be annoyed that I reached out to him when he wanted nothing to do with me. It was a stupid idea.

♫

New York was bigger than I expected. There wasn’t an inch of the sidewalk that wasn’t being beaten with the heels of people’s shoes. The characters in New York were unique and fantastical. Models and actors walked up and down the streets, blending in with the crowd. Certain parts reminded me of London, but I can’t remember a time when it was ever this warm.

Dean took me to all the tourist locations. The Statue of Liberty was an exhausting walk, the Empire State Building wasn’t good for my fear of heights, and Little Italy didn’t remind me of Italy. After summering there a few times, I’d understood the culture and the city. There was no comparison.

After we did our sight
seeing, we finally got down to business.

My stylist, Ray-Ray, was upbeat and vibrant. She had short black hair with lines of red. Her face was flawle
ss and pounded with makeup. She had a perfect body. Now I felt hideous.

When we were in her studio, she looked me up and down and made mental notes. “You’ve brought me a good one, Dean.”

Dean smirked. “I know.”

“I’m going to have fun with this one.”

What did that mean?

Ray-Ray took me to her private studio and worked on my hair and makeup. I didn’t look in the mirror once because I was afra
id of what I might see. I usually braided my hair to the side and left my face free of makeup because I was just lazy. But Ray-Ray wasn’t having it.

She designed my entire wardrobe and had her assistant pick up everything in my size. Perfect suitcases were lined up and the clothes were tucked inside.

When I was alone with Dean, he kept staring at me, from head to toe.

“Why is my stylist in New York? Won’t that be difficult?”

His eyes were glued to my body. “She’s the best at what she does.”

I hit his shoulder. “Stop staring!”

“Sorry.” He shook his head. “You just look…”

“Sexy as hell?” Ray-Ray placed her
hand on my shoulder. “Sexiest woman alive? A bombshell? Yes, Yes, Yes.”

“You hit the nail right on the head,” Dean said.

“I know.” Ray-Ray smiled proudly. “I’ve made a superstar.”

I couldn’t take any o
f those comments seriously. There was no way I was a bombshell. My brother told me I was ugly every day of my ordinary life.

Ray-Ray pushed me in front of the mirror. “Darling, you look perfect.”

I stared at my hair. It was the first thing to be different. It was slightly lighter, fuller, and silkier than pure silk. I touched it and felt the delicate strands. But I liked the way it looked. My face was covered in paint. My eyes were more noticeable with the dark makeup, my lips were red, and my skin was as fair as a porcelain doll. I wondered if Cash would like it. “It’s…different.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Ray-Ray said.

“I like it.” Dean stared at my legs.

“A man’s opi
nion is always golden,” Ray-Ray said.

I stepped away from the mirror, unable to look at myself anymore. I didn’t even recognize myself. And Dean couldn’t stop staring at me.

Charles, my trainer, joined us a moment later. He was burly man with a perfect body. His muscles were sculpted with precision. He had legs as big as tree trunks, and a stomach that was tighter than my thighs. Without warning, he took a tape measurer and examined every inch of my body.

“She has good muscle tone,” he said after he finished treating
me like a farm animal. “But she needs to lose fifteen pounds.”

Fifteen pounds?
Is that a joke? I only weighed 110. Is that right…?

Dean nodded. “You’re the expert.”

Umm…no.

“I’ll fly out tomorrow and we’ll begin the training,” Charles said.

I didn’t like this. Everything was changing. I grabbed Dean and pulled him aside. “Excuse us.”

“What’s up?” Dean whispered. His hands moved to my hips and grabbed me. The affection was odd. He only touched me during appropriate times. I stepped back until his hands fell.

“I’m not losing any weight.”

He rolled his eyes. “You aren’t fat. That’s not what he meant.”

“Then what the hell did he mean?”

He placed his hands on my shoulders. “People look different in pictures and TV. Having a slimmer weight makes you seem more…”

“Anorexic? Nope. It’s not going to happen. There’s nothing wrong with my body. I’m not changing anything.”

“Okay, okay. If that’s what you want. But I think you should still exercise and do weights.”

“Exercise is fine. Losing weight is not.”

He smiled. “It’s your call.”

“Good.”

He lowered his hands. “For the record, I think you’re perfect the way you are.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and kept my silence.

“I’ll talk to Charles.” He returned to the group.

I stayed in my corner, realizing how much things were changing. I didn’t want to be a sickly anorexic musician in the tabloids. I didn’t want to change. All I wanted was to play my music and have people enjoy it. I guess there are a lot of things I didn’t think about beforehand.

Chapter Twenty

♬

Cash Matthews

A month passed and I didn’t get any better. The idea of Prudence being with someone else was too much for me to think about it. I was constantly nauseous.

I went on a few dates but those were just a waste of time. I even went out
with Julia but that was the most boring hour of my life. And I didn’t sleep with anyone. I didn’t even kiss anyone. That’s how pathetic I was.

I avoided my family and said I was too busy to see them. I was even too busy for Natalia. I made excuses about work and they seemed to buy it. Denver w
as the only one who knew my real pain. And like a true brother, he kept my secret.

I stayed home on the weekends and sat at the piano I never used. Prudence’s fingers used to touch these keys. Being in the room somehow made me feel close to her, in a twisted way.

When there was a knock on the door, I contemplated not answering it. I could just wait for the person to leave but I couldn’t hide from the world forever. I decided to answer it.

My mom was on the other side. And she looked pissed.

“Cash Matthews, where have you been?”

Shit.

“You haven’t returned my phone calls, you haven’t come to dinner, so where the hell have you been?” She stormed inside then marched into my living room. A fire gleamed in her eyes and I knew she was livid with me.

“I’ve been working.”

Her eyes leapt into an inferno. “Don’t you dare lie to your mother.”

Ugh. How did she know?
I decided to plead the fifth.

“What’s going on with you?”

“I’ve just…haven’t been in the mood.”

My mom wasn’t buying it. “How’s Pru?”

Don’t say her name.
I hated hearing it. “Fine.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Lie to me again, and I’m going to slap your cheek.”

I knew my mom wasn’t bluffing. “She and I broke up.”

She looked devastated, like the world had caved in from an unsuspecting black hole. “What? Why?”

Should I lie again?
My mom didn’t bluff very often.

She raised her hand.

Damn. She really wasn’t bluffing.
“It’s a long story, Mom. But basically, I lost her.”

“Then go get her,” she said firmly. “Girls like that don’t just fall from the sky. She was smart, sweet, well mannered, and gorgeous. What the hell is wrong with you?”

The emotion was hard to bottle inside. I had no one to talk to, no one to open up to. My mom had always been there for me. Now I’m a grown man but I still saw her as my protector, my boo-boo fixer. Before the tears fell, I swallowed them.

Her eyes sagged when she caught the look. “Cash…” She wrapped her arms around me and held me close. And that’s what I needed. “It’ll be alright, darling.” I towered over her by almost two feet, b
ut she still patted my back.

“What happened?” she asked.

I pulled away when I felt better. “You aren’t going to like it.”

“Tell me.”

“She and I were just…for the summer. She was supposed to go back home at the end.”

“But you fell in love.”

Yeah, I did. And I fell hard.
“But she didn’t.”

“That’s not what she told me.”

“It doesn’t make it true,” I said sadly. “She’s seeming someone else.”

Pain crossed her face. “She is?”

I nodded.

“Did you tell you loved her?”

“Well…no.”

“Then tell her, Cash. That might change her mind.”

“No, it won’t.”

“How do you know?” she snapped. “If this is the woman you love, you need to fight for her.”

“She seems happy with her new man.”

“How would you know unle
ss you talked to her?” Momma Bear wasn’t backing down. I was running out of excuses.

“I haven’t see
n you with anyone else in years. Cash, I know Sharon hurt you, but the fact this girl won you over so quickly is a testament to her perfection for you. Don’t let her go. If you do, I’ll smack you.”

“It’s not that easy.”

She raised her hand.

“What? Am I supposed to
try to make her fall in love with me? I did that once and she left anyway.”

“But you didn’t tell her how you felt.”

“She’s still with someone else,” I repeated.

“Do you think they have a similar arrangement as you did?”

Knowing Prudence, it probably was. She said she never wanted to be in a relationship again. “Probably.”

“Then why can’t she have that arrangement with two different men?”

Wow. My mom was a slut.
“I don’t know…”

“Just do it.”

It was easier said than done. What if she was in love with this guy? What if she didn’t want to stop sleeping with him? And the last thing I wanted to discuss was her new relationship with my replacement. That’d make me vomit right in front of her.

My mom gave me the keys
. “You better do something, Cash. Otherwise, my palm is going to feel hard against your face.” She stormed out then slammed the door.

My mom wasn’t bluffing—again.

♫

I was having a hectic day at the office. My headlining performer bailed at the last minute, and the studio was in chaos. We need
ed to find a replacement—and find one fast.

Unfortunately, there were no takers. The writers had to create more jokes for Jay Leno to tell in the beginning, and every segment was stretched out slightly, but it was still going to be a horrific show.

My assistance came into my office. “Mr. Matthews, I found someone.”

What a relief.
“Good. Who?”

“She’s a new voice is in the industry. There’s already G
rammy buzz about her new album.”

A new voice?
“Who?”

“Prudence Clearwater.”

Fuck. What the hell do I do?

My assistant eyed me. “I have her agent on the phone. He’s waiting.”

“Umm…” I didn’t want to see Prudence again. I’d have to act like I was just fine without her. But how would I pull that off? But my love broke through. Having her on the show would be great for her career. Instead of just a performance, I could have her sit down with Jay Leno for an interview. It would go viral. And I didn’t have to worry about her using me. She already didn’t want me. “Tell him yes.”

She smiled then walked away.

As the hours passed, I became more nervous. She knew I worked here, so she expected to see me. And it would be rude if I just avoided her. I checked my appearance in the bathroom three times before she arrived.

I had a window in my office that faced the inside of the studio. The windows were tinted so no one could see inside. But I could see out. And when
she walked in, my mouth dropped.

Her hair and makeup were different. She was wearing a black dress that virtually had no back. Her ass almost hung out.
Damn, I liked it.
Her brown hair had a new color to it. It was slightly lighter with sheen of red. And she looked gorgeous. That was the bottom line. I forgot to breathe because I was so mesmerized by her appearance.

But that motherfucker was with her. He must be her agent or her record producer. She never went anywhere without him being on her tail. And he always touched her—touched what was mine.

Ted approached the guy and started talking to him. He was probably explaining the show’s itinerary and thanking him for coming on such short notice. Prudence glanced around her. I knew she was looking for me.

This was it. I couldn’t be a coward and hide behind my walls.

When I entered the studio, I came behind her. I wanted to have the vantage point. I stopped and gazed at her back for a moment. The flawless skin was perfect. Her tight muscles surrounded her spine, and the dip in her lower back was even bigger. I wanted to run kisses from her neck to her lower back. I almost did.

I cleared my throat. “Prudence?”

When she flinched, I knew she recognized the sound of my voice. Slowly, she turned around. Up close, she was even more beautiful. The makeup and hair styling changed her appearance, but I still saw my girl in there.

Her eyes took me in, looking at every inch of me. She was observing me like a science experiment. If she blinked, she might miss something. I was glad I wore my best suit today. I wanted her to miss me, as much as I hated to admit it.

“Cash.” Her voice came out quiet. She was nervous like she used to be.

I forgot about my act and my façade. “You look beautiful.”
Damn, why did I say that? Play it cool, Cash.

“Thank you.” She touched the hollow of her neck.

When I glanced to her boyfriend, I saw him watching us. But he didn’t intervene. And he better not.

“You look good.”

“Thank you.”

The tension increased the longer we stood together. I waited for her to apologize for leaving without saying a fucking word to me. If she hadn’t, I would have told her I loved her. But then I reminded myself why she left. She didn’t love me. I still waited for her to speak, but when nothing came out, I went first.

“Thank you for coming on the show. We had a last minute disaster.”

“Thank you for having me,” she whispered. “It worked out well for me. Now I get a chance to be on one of the biggest shows of the country.”

The ignorance to her talent still surprised me. “I would have begged to have you on the show eventually.”

Sh
e smiled, showing her perfect set of teeth. I loved that smile. “You’re so sweet.”

She always used to say that. And now I realized how much I missed it.

“Can I do anything for you?” I asked.

“No. My nerves will go away after I sing.”

“You shouldn’t have nerves. You’re perfect.”
Shut up, Cash.
I was totally hitting on her. I needed to stop.

“You always make me feel better.”

I’d make her feel better in my bedroom if she’d let me.
There I go again…
“You’re with Capitol Records?” I needed to change the subject.

“I am.” She nodded. “I’m very grateful.”

It was the same label I was going to get her into—the night she left. “I’m sure they’ll take care of you.”

She stared at me. The look in her eyes told me she wanted to say something. But nothing came out. I’d give anything to know what she was thinking.

“How did this come about?”

She touched her neck again. “Dean saw me play in a bar. The rest is history.”

So that motherfucker has a name. Dean. I clenched my fists by my side but I didn’t think she noticed. “I knew your success would happen—in time.”

“It’s a whole new world.”

I could tell she was overwhelmed with everything. There was no way she’d wear that much makeup or do her hair like that by choice. She was a simple girl. “If you need to talk, I’m here.” I needed to duck-tape my mouth. “I’ve been in this business a long time. I can point out all the red flags to you.”

“Thank you. I might need help someday.”

Ted placed his hand on Prudence’s shoulder. “It’s show time.”

Prudence looked panic. I’d never seen her like this before. She was always nervous before every show, but she looked like she wanted to run. I realized this was probably her first TV performance. I immediately came to her aid.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. It felt so fucking good. Her breasts pushed against my chest, and she felt so small in my arms. She immediately clung to me, holding me tight. Feeling that embrace repaired my aching heart slightly.

She still had the same scent to her—coconut. Some
things never changed. When my hand touched her bare back, the flames of desire lit up. I loved feeling her naked skin. It reminded me of all the nights I took her in my bed. Her head naturally moved to my shoulder because we meshed together so well.

I didn’t want to let her go. An entire minute passed and neither one of us pulled away. Perhaps I was gripping her too hard. I wasn’t giving her room to move. But I still cherished the moment with her. It felt so right.

I finally stepped back and let her go. Before she saw my face, I recovered from the emotional torment I felt inside. Feeling her in my arms again was the greatest joy I’ve felt in a long time. But losing her again was also my greatest pain. I wasn’t even sure if it was worth it.

The pained look in her eyes was still there.

“Prudence, you’re going to do great.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“I know you will.”

“Will I see you after the show?”

I intended to slip out before she could talk to me again. This was too hard for me.  “Of course.”