Life's A Cappella (17 page)

Leah let out a low sob, and I tried to give her as much privacy as I could.

“He always knew me better than anyone else.”

Our pizza arrived shortly after we fell into silence once again, which was perfect. I was grateful to the wait staff and wondered whether they recognized the negative energy we emanated from our bodies and had waited for us to finish our conversation. Two souls, not quite lost, but not completely found.

Looking for safer territories to speak about, I told Leah about Vanessa between bites, who I had encountered only a few days before at work. I hadn’t gotten the chance to tell Trent about her, but hoped Leah would tell him.

I used the drive home to make sense of all the thoughts running rampant in my head. It was clear that Leah loved her family and was remorseful of her mistakes. She had taken control of her life and had bettered herself not just for herself, but for her kids. I thought back to the night I met her and Anthony at Jungle Island and could still feel the connection they had with one another. She had made amends with them. They had moved past it all and hadn’t allowed her addiction to define her or who they were as a family.

From the moment I met them, I had admired the relationship they shared, but had let my biases cloud my better judgment. Leah was not my mother, and Trent was not me. They had looked past the lies, deception and disappointments and had forged a way for them to still be able to be a family. A family that loved unconditionally.

Before getting out my car to head into my apartment, I put Mirrors by Lil Wayne on repeat, letting the words sink in. I had always been my biggest enemy, allowing my past to dictate my life and how I treated others. I had to stop hating myself, hating the life I had as a child. I didn’t want to be the only person I could rely on. I had to put my past to rest so I could form meaningful time withstanding relationships with others.

With the song still playing, I sent Leah a text, asking her if I could go with her again to the next AA meeting.

Chapter 30

Erin – July

After months of going to AA meetings with Leah, I found myself more relaxed, a bit more confident, almost as if I were removing these invisible little barriers that had kept me withdrawn from my true self. It was with Leah’s help and our weekly venture to meetings that made me understand that who I was today was shaped by my past, but that my past could not define me as a person. Only I could do that.

Leah’s wisdom, gained from both failures and triumphs, weaved itself into my brain, helping me acknowledge and move past memories I hadn’t before wanted to think about. I was healing. Finally becoming the person I had wanted to become when I moved away from Alabama. It had only taken losing my best friend, becoming a sister, falling in love, and then throwing that love away as if I hadn’t needed it like I needed oxygen in my lungs. It wasn’t until I no longer had Trent that I readied myself to open myself up to a virtual stranger in the hopes of finding some sort of restitution.

With this new knowledge I carried around in the forefront of my mind, I thought I should start this declaration of my true self with someone I could rely on, someone safe – Camilla’s mom.

Her initial reaction to the stories I told her hurt her far worse than I had allowed them to hurt me. It was only in realizing that Shayna must have encountered similar abuse that I felt anything. How horrible neither Nate nor I had known about her so we could have saved her from the torment.

Speaking to Sofia gave me the courage I needed to then speak to Leah. Because I knew Leah and Trent spoke every day, I was worried, yet hopeful Leah would share my stories with Trent. If he knew about my youth and where I had grown up, he’d have a better understanding as to why it had been so difficult for me to speak to him. Maybe he’d understand why I had an immediate bias against his mother. Not that my biasness had proven to be right. I couldn’t have been more wrong about Leah. Her kindness knew no boundaries. Leah didn’t realize it, but Trent’s inherent kindness came from her. Like me, Leah only saw the negative when she looked back at her past.

But don’t let me fool anyone into thinking it was all rainbows and unicorns. I still didn’t have Trent in my life and that small little fact was painful. A gut wrenching pain that left me paralyzed, unable to move or think, feeling the slamming of my heart trying to burst its way out of my chest.

I had held my phone in my hands with Trent’s name on the screen countless times. But I never made the phone call. I could have at least sent him a text message with an apology. But I didn’t and I knew I wouldn’t. Instead I continued to see Leah once a week and ask for updates on Vanessa, whom Trent had taken care of as I knew he would. She was in foster care and Trent had visited with her a few times to ensure her adjustment was as positive as possible.

After getting to know Leah, I understood why her family loved her so much and stood by her side when so many others would have walked away. And I saw firsthand where Trent got the characteristics I valued so much. Leah’s kindness could only be comparable to one other person I knew. I tried not to ask about Trent; you know, a pride thing. But Leah brought him up frequently, her obvious attempts of getting us back together. And I devoured each little tidbit, trying to sort through them until they formed a coherent story of how Trent really was doing.

I was becoming crazy, if I hadn’t already. Trent, Trent,
Trent
. That was all my mind wanted to concentrate its efforts on.

Sometimes I wished I could take back all the things I had said to him in anger. But I knew I had to go through all the crap we had gone through in order to get to where I was. I had to lose Trent in order to find myself, thereby helping me be a better sister and guardian for Shayna. Besides, there was no going back in life, only forward.

After a long day at work, I decided I wanted to go to the beach where Shayna and I could eat dinner and play in the sand. Grateful that I always kept a spare set of bathing suits and beach toys in the trunk of my car, I picked up Shayna at ballet and headed towards South Beach.

While at the restaurant Shayna told me about the Halloween show she was going to be a part of with her ballet school. Because she wouldn’t tell me what the show was about or what she was going to dress up as, I relentlessly quizzed her.

“A zombie?” I demanded to know, and she shook her head, chewing on a mouthful of chicken.

I narrowed my eyes at her and smiled mischievously at her. “You know I can tickle you until you tell me.”

“No fair, Erin,” she laughed, inching herself to the back of her seat as if I couldn’t reach her.

“Give me a hint. Are you a person? An animal? Can you speak? Or do you growl?” I fired the questions at her so fast she didn’t have time to respond, so she laughed instead. I loved hearing her laugh. It was easily my favorite song.

“Oh, look!” Shayna clapped, pointing her finger to something behind me.

I turned around and felt my stomach plummet to the ground. Trent stood behind me, not yet having seen me, with a girl about my age wearing nothing but a bikini. I wanted to hate her as I saw him put his hands on the small of her back. I wanted to rip at her brown long hair, perfectly done in a braid. Or gauge her pretty brown eyes, made up with makeup that was done with experienced hands. I wanted to permanently mammogram her boobs so they’d hang down to her knees rather than stand up so perkily.

“Trent!” Shayna danced in her seat, obviously unaware of the pandemonium that lived within me.

I felt him move closer to us, rather than actually see him. My whole body was acutely mindful of Trent, and I knew when he stood right beside me. I smelled his cologne and immediately my body became riddled with goose bumps. I tried to calm the abnormality of my breathing, and I shot a smile at Trent and his female friend (I would not call her his girlfriend) that was too strained, too forceful.

“Shay,” Trent greeted my sister, bending down in front of her to give her a big hug before acknowledging me. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, so I plastered a smile on my face, not wanting him to know how crushed I really felt. And I had no right to feel that way, I knew. He had done nothing wrong, while I had time and time again been the colossal failure in our relationship. Welcome to my screwed up little brain.

Trent looked at me warmly, with his no barrier smile, and I felt my heart trip over itself and land neatly in his hands. Oh, this man.

“This is Melissa,” he introduced us to the girl he was with and I found myself staring at their joined hands. She smiled at us, shaking our hands with her unoccupied hand, and I had to restrain myself from punching her perfect Chiclet teeth.

“Thank you for what you did with Vanessa,” I told him, but feeling myself blush, I turned my face away from him. I felt my eyes well up with tears but pushed them back. Just because I felt too much didn’t mean I had to put on a show for him and his new girlfriend. There, I said it. His girlfriend. I didn’t have to make our chance encounter awkward so I’d do my damnest not cry or rage in front of them.

“She’s a good kid,” he told me, watching me, observing me.

“Yeah,” I agreed, not knowing what else to say.

“Her foster parents are great. Melissa,” he nodded his head towards his companion, “is her social worker.”

Oh great, I thought, still smiling. Not only did I push Trent away, I also brought him and the brown haired Barbie together. I was going to throw myself one helluva pity part when I got home. Complete with a sad chick flick and sappy songs about love gone wrong. And chocolate.

“Do you think we can talk a minute?” he asked, grabbing my hand, not giving me a chance to answer. “We’ll be right over here, Shayna,” he told her, pointing at an empty table a few feet away from her so that I could still keep an eye on her.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me, and I stared at him.

What’s wrong? Really? “You moved on pretty quickly,” I retorted, trying to sound aloof, hating the agony that was so evident in my voice.

“Moved on?” Trent almost laughed but caught himself. “I haven’t moved on, Erin. I don’t think there is a moving on.”

I purposely looked at Melissa, this time not able to disguise my misery when I looked back at Trent.

“I’m sorry for the things I said about your mom,” I told him, my mind a jumbled mess of regrets. “I was wrong. Leah’s a fantastic woman, and you’re lucky to have her as your mom.”

“I’m glad you’re talking to her,” he said, lifting my chin up so I had to look at him. His eyes shone with sincerity and an unwaveringness that was all Trent.

“I wish I had spoken to you instead,” I told him, taking hold of his hand, hoping it would anchor me.

“Yeah, me too,” he told me, and I held on to his hand, holding my breath, expecting, hoping for the best. “I’m always here for you, Erin,” he said, and I felt the jolt of disappointment throughout my whole body.

He may not have moved on, but I was too late. Unless I wasn’t.

“Can’t we try again?” I asked, not caring how desperate I sounded. “You and me? We can make us work. I can make you happy.”

“You always made me happy, Erin,” he told me, pressing his hands into his temple and I winced when I saw his pained expression. “The problem was me. I couldn’t make you happy or be what you needed.”

“No, Trent.” I shook my head at him, nauseated by his words. Could he actually believe what he said was true? He was everything I’d been too scared to hope for. And when it was mine for the taking, I balked.

I knew the only chance I had of winning Trent back was to be honest with him. Completely open, leaving myself vulnerable. So I took a deep breath, grabbed his hands and told him. I told him how much I needed him. How much I had taken for granted. How happy I was when I was with him. How I knew I could count on him because he’d been there for me. I didn’t deserve him, but still I pushed forward and, for the second time in my life, I told someone I loved them.

I didn’t realize I was crying until Trent brushed my tears away with his hand. Me, crying? Whatever cosmic force had just fixed my tear ducts, I was grateful. Maybe my tears could speak better than my clumsy words.

“But do you trust me?” he asked, looking at me, and without hesitating I told him that I did. “I want to believe you, Erin.” He kissed both my eye lids when I closed my eyes, not able to take any more in, and held me close until I finished crying.

I regained my self-control before I went back to Shayna who was playing on Melissa’s phone. Melissa looked at me sadly, probably knowing what I had lost. I just hoped she’d be to him what I couldn’t; be someone he deserved, who loved him without conditions or limitations.

That night, after our AA meeting, Leah walked me to my car. I hadn’t told her about Trent, nor did I have to. She had seen him before she left her house to go to the meeting. Although he hadn’t told her what had happened, she had correctly assumed his foul mood was linked to me. Standing next to my car, she gave me the best piece of advice I had ever been given. “Fight for him,” she told me. “You’ve got a lot of fight in you and my boy is worth the fight.”

So that was what I’d do. I’d take Leah and Trent’s long ago advice and I’d fight like Hell, until I had nothing left in me to fight.

That night I laid down next to my sleeping sister, listening to Common’s The Light as I made plans on how to win Trent back.

Chapter 31

Erin

With Trent on my mind, I took Shayna to Sofia’s for her ballet day camp, but skipped work, pretending to be sick so I could work on my plan. Once I got home, I went to my computer and burned a CD with songs that made me think of Trent, including Bob Marley’s Ten Commandments of Love and Travis Tritt’s Can I Trust You With My Heart. Did people still burn CDs, I wondered, but pushed the thought aside, thinking a CD was far more romantic than a thumb drive. And that was what I was aiming for. I wanted to be romantic, memorable.

I then went through my apartment, picking up mementos we had collected together. The first memento I was going to give him was a wine cork. On it, I carefully wrote a quote from H. Jackson Brown, Jr., which read, “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” I wrapped the cork with a post-it note, explaining that the cork came from the first bottle of wine he had bought me. I had kept the cork as a reminder. Of him, of our night, of how special he was to me. I added a shirt I had stolen from him and pinned a note on it letting him know that I wore that shirt almost every night so that I could hold on to a little piece of him. With my heart playing a fast paced drum solo in my chest, I then placed the CD I had burned into the package and wrote another quote, this one by Judy Garland, “For it was not in my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Finally I reached for a piece of lined paper, purposely steadied my hands, and I wrote my first love letter.