Life's A Cappella (13 page)

There was a rinky-dink little diner in Ft. Lauderdale within walking distance to the beach, right off the Intracoastal with the most amazing pizza. My mind was already there, salivating over their marinara sauce. After today we would eat healthier, I promised myself. But today we were going to gorge on pizza and soda.

As we got closer to the airport I realized I had been lying to myself. Our departure wasn’t going to be hard on just Shayna and Nate, but on me as well. I was going to miss Nate and hoped we would keep in touch as we had promised.

Last time I left Alabama, I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving and never allowed myself to think about anyone, thus never allowing myself to miss anyone. But this time my ties ran deeper. Nate and Dan had been there for Shayna and me. And I could never repay them. Especially Nate.

I looked at Nate and wanted so badly to say something profound. Something to let him know how much he meant to me and how much I appreciated him. Instead he tugged my hair hard so I stuck my tongue out at him. I would have flicked him off, but Shayna was in the back seat. Look at me, I thought, being all mature and shit.

We arrived at the airport too quickly, and I found myself playing with the seatbelt, afraid about the moment I’d have to take it off and say goodbye to Nate.

“I don’t care if I am a cop,” Nate told me quietly. “If you cry, I’m gonna have to hurt ya.”

“Cry?” I asked, automatically stiffening my shoulders. “Over you? Pfft, I’m glad to be rid of you,” I smiled at him.

Nate smiled back at me and unbuckled my seatbelt for me. I climbed out and held onto Shayna’s hand while we waited for Nate to take our suitcases out of the trunk. Nate walked to us with sad eyes and a big smile. Crouching down next to Shayna, she launched herself into his arms and held him so tightly I was afraid she’d never let go.

I watched him slowly, painfully, pull her off of him and said, “I’ll visit, Shayna. I promise.”

“Soon?” she asked with big tears spilling out of her eyes.

“Very soon,” he told her.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around me so I wrapped mine around him, just as tightly as Shayna had. “Don’t fall off the radar again,” he told me.

“I won’t,” I whispered into his neck.

“Okay, then,” he said awkwardly.

“Okay, then,” I mimicked him and smiled. “Call you when we get to Miami?” I asked, and he nodded.

Shayna and I watched as he waved to us one last time before he got in his car and drove away.

“Okay, Little Miss,” I told Shayna. “Time to get our tickets.”

“And fly on a plane?” she asked.

“Yep,” I agreed, and with our suitcases sitting next to us on the ground, I picked her up by her belly and twirled us in a circle as she spread her arms like wings and flew.

***

Shortly after Sofia, or Tia Sofie as she insisted Shayna call her, dropped us off in my apartment, we were ready to go to the beach. It took us forty minutes to get to my favorite diner, but it didn’t feel like a long drive. Rather than the loud music that normally accompanied any drive, we played cloud games where we guessed what a cloud looked like and sang silly songs I had long forgotten from elementary school. Typical Miami, traffic stood still at times, without any reason in sight, but it was well worth the drive.

The food was great, but I mostly enjoyed sitting outdoors with the water just below the deck we sat on. Shayna watched the seagulls and pelicans dive for their food while I silently hoped a manatee or dolphin would make one of their unexpected appearances. None did, but their no-show didn’t put a damper in our mood. By the end of our meal, Shayna’s face was full of spaghetti sauce and raw eagerness to see the beach.

I remembered the first time I had seen the beach and the quiet calm it had brought me. Since then I had returned countless times, searching and usually finding that peace and tranquility. But for Shayna, the beach wouldn’t bring calm. No, it would be a gigantic playground to explore. I couldn’t wait.

After we ate, I guided us the short blocks to the beach and instructed Shayna to take off her sandals as I did so she could feel the sand between her toes. My fearless little sister didn’t disappoint and flung her sandals to the side and did an enthusiastic belly flop into the sand.

“Your toes, silly. Not your face,” I giggled when I saw the sand stick to the sauce on her face I hadn’t been able to remove.

I hadn’t thought about buying toys for the sand when we were on the strip before the beach but made a mental note to buy some next time I brought her. We did okay though, with just our hands and built sand mounds instead of castles. I watched Shayna as she chased seagulls and splashed in the shore. I took photos with my phone and honestly couldn’t remember a single moment in my life that I had been happier. Here, with Shayna, I had found what I didn’t realize was missing. I had thought that by bringing her to Miami, I would selflessly be giving her a home. I had never imagined that she would do the same for me. Who could have imagined I would find my home in a four year old girl?

A few feet away from me I saw girls my age tanning on their stomachs with open bottles of beer by their side. They talked and giggled about their life with such exuberance, it reminded me of Camilla and our many talks. How could it be that less than two months ago that was my life? Even stranger, how could it be that aside from missing Camilla, I wanted no part of that life? I looked at the girls and felt neither jealousy nor apprehension about my future. From one of their phones, I could hear Bruno Mars sing about how he loved his girl just the way she was and he could have been singing about how I felt about Shayna. Her eyes, her laugh, everything about her was perfect, thereby making my world a little less un-perfect.

Chapter 23

Shayna

She didn’t like being in the air, but hadn’t wanted to say anything. Instead she looked up at her big sister, smiling at her, hoping her sister couldn’t see the terror she wanted to hide. Erin had played with her and made her laugh a few times and eventually the knots in her belly had loosened and eventually subsided altogether.

The beach had been everything Nate had promised her. It smelled a bit funny, but it was a smell she had started to like before they even left. She liked playing in the sand, especially with Erin. And she loved looking up at her big sister to find her smiling down at her. She had almost crawled into Erin’s lap, but she was afraid Erin would turn her away, push her away for being the nuisance that she was.

Her favorite part had come that night. After a bath and short story, Erin had lain down next to her on the big bed they were going to share and wriggled her way to her until she was firmly snuggled against her big sister’s chest. She had slept a dreamless night and awoke feeling protected.

Chapter 24

Erin

While I knew I had to go back to work, I hated leaving Shayna. I had already missed so much of her life; I didn’t want to miss another moment. I was also scared she’d think I was abandoning her the way our mother would leave me for days at a time. Completely unannounced, but eventually something I expected.

But Shayna didn’t share in my apprehension. She had taken an immediate liking to her Tia Sofie and pranced around the small ballet school in a pink tutu Sofia had given her. Watching her, I couldn’t help compare the brave little girl ready to take on the world to the scared, timid girl I had been that still shied away from an outreached hand and kindness.

Had my mother been kinder, gentler to her? I remembered Nate telling me how quiet she had been in the beginning and how difficult it had been for her to trust anyone. Maybe it was just a matter of youth. Maybe she was young enough that she was able to put it behind her once she realized she was finally safe. Or a matter of resilience. Maybe Shayna didn’t know how to give up or not be happy.

Either way, she was the epitome of everything I’d wanted to be since I left Alabama. She was happy and free.

I hugged my sister and spoke to myself when I told her I’d be back to pick her up soon. Sofia smiled at me, a knowing smile with a hundred secrets and I found myself smiling back at her.

“She’s already forgotten me,” I told her.

“That means you have nothing to worry about,
mi niña
,” she answered. And although she continued to smile at me, I saw the sadness that had crept into her eyes so suddenly I felt the pang in my own gut. I wanted to hug her, to give her the same comfort she had given me, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t know how to comfort myself, let alone someone else. What a poor excuse, I chastised myself.

“We’ll be fine,” she reassured me as I left.

I didn’t bother looking back, but heard Shayna’s squeals of laughter as I closed the door behind me. I already knew she’d fare much better than me on our first day apart from each other. But in all honesty, I was eager to go back to work. A good 80% of the time I enjoyed being a nurse. The other 20% I tried to avoid the hateful glares from children who were not above biting me when they saw me holding a needle. Little hellions.

I walked into the doctor’s office fully expecting to see reproachful looks from my fellow nurses who had I had left to pick up my slack, but was instead greeted to a hallway full of balloons and a table full of gifts. I wondered whose birthday it was when everyone jumped out of a nearby patient’s office shouting, “Surprise!” I looked behind me with a big smile for whoever had walked in after me but didn’t see anyone.

I didn’t realize the surprise and congratulatory remarks were for me and Shayna until one of the nurses hugged me, with tears spilling over her eyes. I felt shame wash over me as I realized how very little I had thought of my coworkers. Just a few moments ago I was certain I’d walk into an office where yet another shit storm awaited me. Typically expecting the worst of others, I was ill-prepared for their support and found myself touched to the point of tears I didn’t know how to push out.

I opened up presents and was beyond words when I saw the toys, clothes and a singing potty. I yearned for words of appreciation to spill out of my mouth. Words that could fully express how amazing the people I worked with were. A decent plumbing system would have been nice too, I thought. One that allowed me to produce and dispense tears to show my gratitude when words so obviously failed me.

After a quick breakfast of
pastelitos
and
croquettas
was complete, I packed all the gifts away in my car, eager to show Shayna, and spent the rest of the day thanking everyone as often as I could.

“You’re tipping the scales and are becoming borderline annoying,” one of the doctors told me good naturedly.

“Thanks Dr. Johansen,” I smiled at him and jogged out of the room before he could retaliate. I was in an exceptionally good mood and wanted my coworkers to know me as the girl with the dumb sense of humor they had not yet met.

Feeling lighter than I had in a long time, I set my phone to play from my Pink playlist and sang loudly as I drove to pick up Shayna. I walked into Sofia’s school quietly so as not to interrupt the girls practicing on the barre and found Shayna asleep in Sofia’s arms who was singing a lullaby in Spanish.

“That was Cam’s favorite song when she was a baby,” Sofia told me without looking away from Shayna. “She likes it too,” she told me as she gently stroked my sister’s face.

At that moment I realized that Shayna was helping Sofia as much as Shayna was helping me. Up until then I had felt bad about leaving Shayna with her because I felt like I was intruding or expecting too much from someone. Especially someone who had just lost her daughter. But looking at them together, I knew I had been wrong. No one would be able to heal Sofia completely, but maybe Shayna could help her mend it to a tolerable wound.

I sat down next to them and asked how their day went.

Sofia laughed. “I forgot how much fun four year olds are. So much energy.” She shook her head in disbelief, but with obvious joy. “She’s smart too. I’m scared to wake her or I’d ask her to teach you some Spanish.”

“You taught her Spanish?” I giggled a little.

“She lives in Miami, no?” Sofia asked, and I had to agree. We lived in Miami, which was practically a part of Latin America. “And she dances so good, so joyful.”

And that was what made Shayna so special to everyone she met; her joyfulness, her willingness to embrace anything or anyone who showed her affection.

Once Shayna woke up, I buckled her up in the car seat I had bought in Alabama and listened to her nonstop chatter on our ride home. She was just as eager to show me the dances she had learned as I was to see them. She showed off the Spanish words she had learned while I tried to guess their meaning.

“
Perro
,” she demanded.

“Door,” I purposely guessed the wrong word and she shook her head. “Give me a clue.”

“Woof!”

“Oh, that’s easy, Little Miss. Cow!” I shouted, which threw her in a fit of laughter.

“No,” she giggled. “Cow says moo. What says woof?”

“Hmm,” I thought. “Woof? It can’t be a fish, right?” I asked, and she shook her head. “Because fish don’t make noise.”

“No, they do this,” she said and puckered her lips to imitate fish lips.

“So not cow or fish?” I asked and she giggled and kicked excitedly in the back seat. “How about a…cat?” I asked, which made her shriek with laughter and I couldn’t help but join her.

I incorrectly guessed every animal I could think of for the remainder of our drive, and only fell silent when I got to the door of my apartment and found Trent sitting by it. I stared at him, not sure what he was doing or what I should do next. Shayna looked at me and then Trent nervously. I felt her slip her small hand into my own and wanted to reassure her.

“Trent,” I said, quiet as a prayer, and walked up to him to kiss his cheek. “Shayna, baby, this is my friend Trent.” I put my arm around him so she could see Trent was safe. Safe? I wasn’t sure he was safe, but I knew he’d never hurt her. He hadn’t actually hurt me either. At least not intentionally. I was the one who pushed him away. I was the one who withheld myself. He was the one who kept pulling me toward him. He was the one who gave without ever asking. Yes, he was safe.