Life's A Cappella (18 page)

Trent,

There are so many ways that I have been wrong that I honestly don’t know where to start. Maybe I’ll just start by stating the obvious: I’m a certifiable asshole. You have shown me what it means to be loved and I have thrown, shoved, and kicked that love until there wasn’t much of anything left. I broke what we have. I have never been sorrier for anything else in my life.

I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much more. Even knowing that, I can’t stop myself from writing these words and hoping they’ll reach not just you, but your heart. I am grasping to the hope that if it reaches your heart, you will forgive me because I know logically there is no forgiveness for the things I have said and done. The heart doesn’t see reason though. And that is where you live, Trent, in my heart. It is my heart, not my head, that is guiding me, which is why I am no longer afraid.

I trust you, Trent. I always trusted you. It was my fear of my own inadequacies that made me hold back. The only real fear I feel now is losing you. Please, believe me when I say I’m no longer afraid of trusting you. I’m no longer scared of being vulnerable. Right now, I’m at my most vulnerable. I will get down on my hands and knees if that is what it takes.

I know I broke your trust by not trusting you. You gave me your trust and I threw it back in your face. Again, I was wrong. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so close-minded, for not taking your thoughts and your feelings into consideration. I’m sorry for being so self-centered, so selfish, that only my feelings and my well-being mattered. I’m sorry for not realizing sooner that the only real life to preserve is the one in which you are a part of.

I can’t promise you I’m no longer going to be a self-centered asshole. But I can promise you I will let you in on my thoughts and my self-importance. I know now isn’t the time to make jokes, but I’m hoping that last lit bit made you smile. Because I love your smile. I love that you don’t suppress your smile and that when you’re really happy, your smile takes over all of your features I miss your smile and your words. And because I am selfish, I miss how wonderful I felt when I was with you. You’re my warmth. Even when I lost Camilla, I clung to you because you brought me warmth.

I love you, Trent. I will love you always.

Erin

I neatly arranged Trent’s package in a basket I found at a local arts and crafts store and called Sofia before heading to Trent’s house with his basket of goodies to make sure she didn’t mind Shayna staying the night. Because whatever happened, I’d need a night to myself. But I didn’t let myself think about it negatively. This had to work. The ever present beating of my heart demanded that it work.

I thought about waiting for Trent at his doorstep, but couldn’t muster up the courage. Instead, I left the package by his door and waited for him in my car, hoping no one would steal what I had put together for him. I listened to music while I waited for him. I texted Sofia. I checked his Facebook page. And Melissa’s. Because, remember? I’ve already established that I’m crazy. I read a book I had bought months before on my phone. I processed nothing from the activities I had done to keep my mind from straying to the dark side.

And because my body was more in tune with his than my own, I knew exactly when he drove up to the parking lot. I watched him walk away from his car and towards his apartment, stopping briefly as if he was looking for something. He couldn’t possibly know I was there, but still I hunched over, hoping he hadn’t seen me.

I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to massage the knots out of my shoulders, as I waited until I was certain he had had enough time to look through his package and listen to most of the CD. Shifting, unable to get comfortable, I decided to draw down the car’s mirror to look at myself before leaving what was left of my sanity behind. No need to bring my crazy with me, she’d probably wait for me in the driver’s seat any way. My cheeks were too pale, I noted, my eyes too wide. I pinched my cheeks, trying to draw out a bit of redness and squinted my eyes the way I had seen Camilla do in the past.

After a quick sigh, I opened my car door and walked towards Trent’s apartment. It was do or die time, I thought, and, with my chest closing in on itself, I hoped my dreams wouldn’t die in Trent’s apartment. Minutes, hours, mere seconds passed by too soon, not quickly enough, and I was standing in front of Trent’s door. Through it I could hear the CD I had made for him playing in the background and felt my body sag in relief. If he was listening to it, maybe he’d listen to me, giving us a fighting chance.

With as much determination I could muster, I knocked on Trent’s door and was greeted by Trent’s arms wrapped around me. He hadn’t taken a shower yet and smelled of the day’s work. I breathed him in, a familiar scent that was forever embedded in my senses. This man, this wonderful man that I could no longer claim as my own comforted me, and I sought to comfort him back. I murmured his name over and over, smoothing his disheveled hair back, rubbing my hands along his back, kissing his face.

Trent led me into his apartment, but I couldn’t let go of him so I held his hand, grasping onto him like the lifeline that he was.

“You know,” he said, taking a step back from me, our hands still connected, “I think I remember you saying you’d get on your hands and knees,”

I laughed, but laughing with Trent had somehow become foreign to me, and I found myself fumbling with my shirt so as to calm the instability I felt inside me. I hated it. I missed our banter and how effortlessly our relationship had become familiar. It no longer mattered that it was my fault. All that mattered was that I fix it.

Not wanting to show my discomfort, I threw myself on my knees and playfully begged for mercy. He joined me on his own knees and kissed my lips, a slow gentle tug that I hoped would last longer than it did. And while simple interactions such as talking or laughing made me uncomfortable, kissing came as natural to me as breathing.

But in order for us to have a future, we needed to be able to communicate, and that was where I had fallen short. I wasn’t going to hurt or disappoint him again though.

I put my hands on his face, forcing us to make direct eye contact. “I love you, Trent,” I told him. “With every fiber of my being, I love you.”

Still on our knees, Trent put his face in the crevice of my neck, hugging me tightly to his chest. I kissed the side of his head and again smoothed his hair as we held each other, neither of us wanting to break contact.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, and he shook his head at me, not wanting me to go on. But I had to. I had to make things right. “I am. I’m sorry I was too stupid to see what I have with you. I’m sorry I let my past and my insecurities hurt you. I won’t do it again, Trent. I swear it. You’re too important to me.”

Trent sat down on the floor we had been kneeling on and I crawled into his lap where he kissed me on the top of my head. “I think you also mentioned being an asshole,” he told me, and I laughed, an unguarded laugh that caught me by surprise.

“I also said I was self-centered.”

“And self-important,” he added, and I snuggled myself as close to him as I possibly could.

“I also said I’d tell you about all my self-important thoughts,” I said more seriously. “So which do you want to know first?”

“You don’t have to do this,” he said, but I shook my head at him. I did.

“Ask me,” I pleaded with him.

Trent was reluctant at first, not knowing what questions to ask, probably scared of crossing some imaginary line he thought I had already placed. But I didn’t know how else to get pass the barriers I had set up, and I needed Trent so badly that it hurt. Very physically hurt.

“Nate gave me a pretty good idea why you left Alabama, but why did you change your name?” he asked his first question.

“I hate Jordyn,” I told him honestly, but didn’t stop. “She was weak, unsure about everything, and she was shy to the point of it being debilitating. She rarely spoke her mind and didn’t have the guts to amount to anything.”

Not able to sit still, I pulled myself up and paced in Trent’s apartment.

“When I changed my name, I changed who I was. Once I became Erin, I wanted Jordyn to die so I could become who I wanted to be. I still carry Jordyn around with me though. I didn’t realize it until I found out about my mother. I just have to keep shutting her up so I can keep being Erin.”

“I think,” he said, getting up slowly, and speaking just as slowly, his way of gauging how I would react to his words, “the strongest part of Erin is Jordyn. Erin wouldn’t know how to be strong if Jordyn hadn’t lived through what she lived through. We all have our insecurities, Erin, it’s what drives us forward or holds us back. Jordyn drives you forward.”

“Your mom said the same thing to me,” I told him.

“We’re pretty smart people.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “And you’re pretty great too,” I added and braced myself for his next question.

“Favorite number?”

An easy question, I thought and felt myself relax. “Five. You?” I asked, genuinely curious what his answer would be, because shouldn’t couples know each other’s favorite numbers or colors or whatever?

“Thirteen.” He winked. “What is it about music that you love so much?”

I hesitated, trying to remember it exactly as it had happened. “When I was a little girl there was a boy who was really obnoxious and mean to me,” I said, wrinkling my nose, “until one day, he saw me go to school with bruises on my arms. He went to my house that day and gave me a CD player with a CD already in it so I wouldn’t hear him and my mom fighting about her hitting me. She stopped yelling and trying to grab at him when he threatened her with his dad’s kitchen knife. I was too scared to see what would happen next, so I ran into a closet and put the music on. It was an old rock band, probably Jethro Tull,” I told him with a shy smile, remembering how much Trent loved the band. “And, I dunno, I got lost in it. The outside world quit existing. I was no longer a scared child in a closet. It was just me and the music.”

“It was Nate? The boy?” Trent asked, and I nodded. “I’m glad you had someone to take care of you.” He hugged me and kissed me gently on my lips, a quick peck that spoke of sincerity.

As for me? I was glad I had Trent. This time, insecurities weren’t going to get in my way. I’d make us work. We’d make us work

“What song do you want to hear?” he asked.

Silently, I moved to Trent’s CD player and skipped through the tracks I had made him until I reached Travis Tritt’s Can I Trust You with My Heart. Trent took me in his arms and together we danced to a song I related to all too well. I was broken, damaged; my heart was hardened by loss and years of not being wanted. Now, after years of running, I was going to let go of the control I needed to manage on a day to day basis, so I could love unconditionally. So I could trust a man who trusted me enough to give me a second chance at this life I wanted us to have together. Because Trent deserved it. And because I deserved it, too.

I’d always need him, I knew, because his heart spoke to my soul. I leaned my head against Trent’s shoulders as we danced.

“I love you, Erin,” he whispered into my ear, and I felt the first of many tears run down my cheek, but I kept Trent close to me. Not because I didn’t want him to see my tears; I trusted him with my tears. I just needed to feel his closeness. To hear his heart beating, whispering my name with each thud.

I silently answered the song’s question. I trusted Trent with not just my heart, but all of me. Camilla had been right, Trent loved me. As incomprehensible as it was, it was true. Trent loved me. And I loved him.

Chapter 32

Shayna

After Erin dropped her off in ballet, she’d change into her new costume, a fairy princess costume Tia Sofie had made her. It was for the Halloween show they were putting on, but Tia Sofie had made her several costumes so she wouldn’t be sad if one ripped.

She practiced hard on her dancing so she could make Tia Sofie proud. And she kept her promise to keep her dancing and her costume a surprise from Erin. At first she was scared to keep a secret from Erin, but Tia Sofie promised that this was a good secret to keep and that Erin would be happy to be surprised. Erin liked to ask her about the show, but was never mad when she told her she couldn’t tell. In fact, it had become a game between them.

Even though she slept in her own room while Erin slept with Trent in his room, she was happy when they stayed in his apartment, even if he never wanted to make her potty sing. But she liked him, the same way she liked Nate. Maybe it was because both of them were policemen.

Policemen, after all, had saved her life.

Chapter 33

Erin

I hated Mondays. But who didn’t, right? My bed was at its most comfortable on mornings and begged me to stay with her under the covers. She specifically beckoned for me Monday mornings after a weekend of sun and play. While I detested mornings, Trent seemed to revel in them. He and Shayna liked singing in the morning, while I crushed the pillow to my ears.

Shortly after Trent and I had started seeing each other again, I moved most of Shayna’s and my belongings into his apartment. He had a two bedroom apartment – it just made more sense to stay there. With him. But sometimes, when Trent had to work nights, I crawled into Shayna’s bed and slept with her. As she’d done in the past, she’d instinctively draw her body closer to me in her sleep.

I knew one day she’d grow out of sleeping with me, so I made sure to cherish those moments, willing her to want me by her side a bit longer. Maybe until she was in her twenties. After that, it’d just be weird, I told myself. Maybe.

There was nothing special about this particular Monday. I brushed my teeth, trying to kill my dragon breath as soon as I peeled myself off the bed while I listened to Trent singing instructions to Shayna on how to grind coffee, rolling my eyes at his exuberance. I was pretty sure there was something mentally wrong with people who enjoyed mornings.

I sat in silence, eating my cereal with milk and tried not to make eye contact with Trent. Eye contact would mean I was ready to speak, and I was physically unable to speak until I drank my coffee, which Trent was still grinding. I tried to hide my smile when I heard Shayna’s squeals of delight every time she pushed the button down to further grind the already ground coffee. Grumpy people don’t smile, I reminded myself. No matter how cute their sister and boyfriend were together.