Letting Go (6 page)

Clarissa recognized the voices. The women talking were the school secretary Mrs. Anderson—Joan—and the Sunday School teacher Miss Topkins. Miss Topkins was done arguing with Mrs. Anderson. At least Clarissa figured that to be the case since the conversation ceased.

The words hurt. Truth was, Mrs. Anderson was right. She didn’t belong here. In fact if the good people of Stearns knew about her past with churches, they’d run her out of town regardless of the help she gave now. Her heart squeezed painfully and she tried to shove the guilt aside.
 

That was a lifetime ago. Maybe she wasn’t good enough, but right now, she was the person volunteering. So the biddy could just get over herself.

Walking into the kitchen, Clarissa pasted a smile on her face, and walked by the women as if she hadn’t heard a word. And even though anger balled up painfully in her throat, she grabbed more food and headed back to the gym to give it to people who needed help all the while ignoring the disapproving frown of the woman who didn’t think she belonged.
 

Every part of Jed’s body hurt. He’d numbed his mind and heart to the destruction he’d seen. He and Pete had worked tirelessly alongside emergency workers for hours to get to the destroyed trailer park where Bev lived.

Miraculously, everyone who lived there had made it to a park storm cellar. Funny thing about tornadoes. They didn’t care much about socio-economics. The same storm had torn through one of the upscale blocks of town, too. Lester Pyle had found Mrs. Norene Albright in a hallway closet of her now destroyed home. Paramedics on the scene said she’d make a full recovery, but they’d insisted she make the trip to the Oklahoma City hospital for concussion-like symptoms and a broken ankle. They’d readily agreed when Lester volunteered to serve as ambulance service.
 

 
Bev and her kids were on their way to Bev’s sister’s. Jed dropped Pete off at his house and promised to be back in the morning.
 

Now all Jed wanted was to pick up Clarissa and Mack and get to the Triple Eight. The governor had called out the National Guard and troops protected the road into Stearns. Jed showed his ID, and they waved him through. People gathered around a fire pit burning outside the church. He saw Clarissa first, standing outside the door, under the lighted cross that promised sanctuary to those seeking.
 

When Clarissa saw him, she smiled tiredly, sadly, and Jed realized she didn’t know yet that Bev was safe. He climbed out of his truck, walked past several townspeople who called hello.

“You okay?” Jed asked, and she nodded, still holding herself back. Then he nearly kicked himself because of course, she wasn’t.
 

“Stupid question,” he said. “I know you have to be wiped out.”

She lifted her shoulder in a small shrug.
 

“I didn’t have much to lose. Not like some of these people,” she said waving a hand back at the church and the people housed inside. “I’ll be okay.”

When he told her Bev and her kids were safe, Clarissa visibly relaxed, but the wall she’d erected around herself, around any real emotions, didn’t come down.

“Mackenzie’s asleep with the twins from her Sunday School class,” she said. “I came outside because someone said the moon tonight was incredible.”

Jed looked up then, surprised to see she was right. The giant orange ball promised rebirth in time. When he turned back to her, he saw a tightness in her eyes he’d not seen before.
 

“You sure you’re all right?”

“I’ll be fine. Let me go get Mackenzie.” She turned then, and left him standing outside the church.

Clarissa didn’t bother arguing with Jed about going to his ranch. She knew him well enough by now to know she’d lose. Besides, she was exhausted emotionally and physically. And she wanted out of this church.

Scooping Jed’s daughter up, she took comfort in the little girl’s trust. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled when she saw Clarissa.
 

“I love you, and Jesus does, too,” Mackenzie said, then she closed her eyes again, completely at ease, totally unaware that her words were a vise around Clarissa’s heart.

Jed turned on to the gravel road that led to the Triple Eight and wondered at Clarissa’s quiet. Hopefully, it was just the result of being tired and emotionally depleted.
 
She’d spent most of the trip to the ranch with her head resting against the window and her eyes closed, but her breathing made it pretty clear she wasn’t sleeping.

Something was bothering her, but she wasn’t sharing. Of course, from what he’d seen so far she wasn’t exactly the sharing kind. Tough way to do life.
 

The ride home showed the Triple Eight had avoided most of the damage. When he crossed the cattle guard, the bright lights burning in all the front windows downstairs caught his attention fist. When he pulled into the drive, his parents’ Ramblin’ Road RV made him smile.

“How about that,” he said, and Clarissa opened her eyes, blinked a few times and bit her lip. He wondered what she was thinking seeing the ranch house for the first time.

“My parents drove in from Branson,” he explained. “They must’ve started this way about the time the storm hit.”

The door opened and three cow dogs barreled toward the truck and then Momma was standing on the front porch, a towel in her hands, her hair pulled back in a silver pony tail that made her look younger than she was. But he saw the worry and relief in her eyes.

A few seconds after Jed stopped the truck his daddy limped his way out the door to join her. His arthritis must be giving him fits after the drive.

“Hey, hold up there,” he said when Clarissa started to open her door. His daddy’d let him have it for sure if he saw anything resembling poor manners.

A quick skip and Jed had Clarissa’s door open, then Mack’s. Unbuckling the seatbelt, he pulled her from the booster and cradled her in his arms. She settled her head against his neck, her arms draped around his shoulders, and he breathed a quick prayer of thanksgiving. It wasn’t often he got to hold Mack like this. She was always running ninety to nothing, pushing him away after a few seconds. The storm today had been way too close, and yet, they’d survived unscathed.

“A welcoming committee, huh?” Clarissa said worriedly, and Jed laughed.
 

“You might say that,” he said, noting the question in his momma’s eyes as she took in Clarissa and the stiffness to Clarissa’s shoulders as she seemed to drag forward.

“You going to be okay?”

“Always am,” she said, and he could swear he heard something unspoken in her words.
 

Carrying Mack up the steps to the porch, he noticed Clarissa’s head had snapped straight. Her blue eyes were smudged with tired dark circles. Her hands were rough and red from hours of work at the church. Her hair was falling out of its clip and the clothes she wore, a white shirt, jeans and yellow plastic looking sandals, were the only clothes she owned other than the apron she’d left in the walk-in at Pete’s.
 

She was the same kind of mess he was, and Jed was as proud to introduce her to his parents as anyone he’d ever brought home for them to meet.

“Momma, Daddy, I’d like you to meet Clarissa Dye. She’s new in town, works at Pete’s and has been helping me out with Mack. She lost everything in the tornado, so she’ll be staying with us a while.”

He noticed her slight frown at his last words and then she was shaking his daddy’s hand. When she tried to shake his momma’s hand, Momma wasn’t having any part of it.
 

“You poor dear,” she said, wrapping Clarissa in a Susie Dillon hug. And then he didn’t have to worry about Clarissa and her frowns because his momma was pulling her in the house in that way she had that brooked no resistance.
 

“Let’s get you set up in one of the guest rooms. My daughter, Jed’s little sister Callie’s about your size, and she left clothes here when she visited last.”

With that Clarissa was walking up the stairs with his momma, and once again Jed said a quick prayer of thanksgiving, this time for his mother’s ability to make anyone feel at ease. Because Clarissa definitely needed that comfort tonight.

After Jed tucked Mack in bed, he made his way to the living room where his daddy sat in front of empty fireplace, a concerned look on his face.

“She’s not one of your lost pets, Jed.”

Jed was exhausted and hurting and he wanted to visit Clarissa, tell her everything would somehow be okay. But he was going to have to have this talk with his daddy.
 

“I know that,” Jed said.

“She’s a grown woman who has the look of a world of hurts that have nothing to do with the storm tonight in her eyes.”

“She’s a friend, Daddy. That’s all. And I think I know a bit about a world of hurts.” Jed couldn’t help adding the last part even though he knew no one in his family needed reminding.

“There are some hurts you know nothing about, Son, and I’m thinking that young woman you brought home might have a few experiences there.”

When Jed started to answer, his daddy waved away his words.
 

“Don’t go jumping down my throat, Jed. You know I’m not going to judge her one way or t’other, but I saw the way you were looking at her. Her hurts are going to take the Good Lord’s miraculous ways.”

Jed didn’t bother denying his father’s words. Didn’t even try to say he was wrong. Because tonight, after what they’d been through, he was done denying that he was interested in Clarissa Dye.
 

“Well, we know plenty about God’s miracles, too, don’t we?” Jed said remembering for a moment, then wishing more than anything the memories weren’t so sharp on this night when everything had changed.

Chapter Five

Clarissa pulled the double wedding ring patterned quilt to her chin and tried to ignore the smell of bacon and eggs and who knew what other yummies cooking downstairs. She didn’t want to get up yet. Didn’t want to face the realities of the world.

The bed was perfect. White, soft, big. A bed she could get used to, which was crazy because she couldn’t stay here. This house belonged to the Dillons, a family so far removed from her life experiences, she almost couldn’t make herself believe this wasn’t some sort of cruel dream land.

Clarissa had moved to Stearns with one goal. To live on her own with no regrets and get on down the road to the next life experience when it was time. She definitely believed in signs and signs didn’t get much more obvious than a tornado blowing away her apartment. Stearns had been a tick mark on a road map of life. Maybe it was time to move on to the next location.

Shouldn’t be a big deal, but the heartbreaking ache in her chest made it clear leaving Stearns would’t be easy.

Jed’s mother had laid out a t-shirt, sweat pants and clean underwear. Callie’s clothes, Clarissa figured, grabbing them and making her way to the restroom attached to the bedroom.

A few minutes later she was showered and ready for the day, but Clarissa wasn’t so sure she was ready to face the Dillon family. They were everything she’d never been, never had, never understood. Secretly wanted.

Taking a deep breath for courage, she stepped out of the room, let herself enjoy the scent of a homemade breakfast that wasn’t diner food and started down the hall to the staircase that would end her hours of hiding out.

“I told Daddy you were up.”

Clarissa heard Mack’s voice before she saw her.
 
When the little girl rounded the corner Clarissa was stunned for a moment. The mismatched clothes and wild hair were gone, replaced by pressed overalls and a perfectly pulled back pony tail secured by a big red bow.

“Wow,” she said surprised. “New clothes, huh?”

“Gran did it. She’s a miracle worker. That’s what Aunt Joan says.” Mackenzie whispered the last and Clarissa wondered why that was a secret, but then Mackenzie took her hand and pulled her down the stairs, talking the whole way.

“Today I’m going to take you out to meet my horse, Flower. And you’ll get to see my new kitties and Daddy said you can ride Blue if you want because she’s real nice and even if you’re afraid, Blue won’t bite and that’s good because once José’s niece Alma got bit by one of the horses and she won’t come back to the Triple Eight no more and you’ve got to come back because Gran told Gramps you don’t got nowhere to go.”

Terrific
.

“How about we do one thing at a time,” she said, walking with Mack into the living room. All Clarissa had wanted to do last night was collapse into a bed, so she’d missed the sense of home in every corner of the Dillons’ house.

Family photos covered almost all the space visible. A piano stood against one wall, a steel guitar next to that. Blue and white and yellow worked together to give the room a comfortable feeling. Light poured in the open front windows. Like something in a home magazine or on a TV show. Like nothing Clarissa had ever seen.
 

No one was in the room, and that surprised Clarissa. Or it did until she heard the hum of voices coming from the kitchen.

“Come on, Clarissa!” Mackenzie said. “Gran made biscuits and chocolate gravy and bacon and homemade orange juice. Daddy’s out working, but Gran and Gramps are here, and we got lots to do.”

Blowing out another breath, Clarissa forced one foot in front of the other. Funny how afraid she was now that she’d finally made up her mind. She wasn’t staying. It didn’t matter what these people thought of her.

You can only run so far and you’ll never be able to get away from yourself.

Clarissa wondered why her subconscious voice sounded so crystal clear in moments like these and why it had to ring so true.

When she entered the kitchen, she was surprised by the warmth in Jed’s mother’s smile. “Come on in here, Dear. You sit and let me make you a plate.”

Clarissa didn’t bother arguing with the woman who finished wiping off a cabinet while she talked. She’d seen people like Susie Dillon before, and there was no winning.

Jed’s father, Paul, sat at the table, a steaming cup of coffee by one hand, a newspaper in the other. He folded the paper, put it on the table and said good morning, then watched her until she was seated. Like he was weighing something in her. But the look didn’t make her feel judged. Not exactly. It was almost like he was trying to see into her soul.