Letting Go (8 page)

But she hadn't been alone. God was always there.

"Don't you think maybe God sent her to us so we can show her love?" Susie couldn't help but wonder.

"I know God's in our driver's seat, Susie, but if it comes down to this girl or Jed and Mack, we can't let her hurt them."

Susie didn't say anything to that because of course they wouldn't let Clarissa come before their child and granddaughter.

Paul wasn't done.

"Of course, I thank God every day you didn't turn your back on me when I was hurting you and Jed."

Susie reached out and brushed a hand down his cheek, loving the feel of the tough skin, weathered with age and time and elements and life. "You're my heart. I love you. God got us through, and He's used that time over and over to help impact other's lives. We'll just have to believe and trust and obey."

Paul leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then pulled her close. "You've always been as smart as they come, Susie Dillon."

She laughed and leaned into him. "You've always been the love of my life."

The screen door slammed and Mack ran into the room, bringing all her energy and light and laughter. Only this time she also brought news.

"Gran, Gramps, the sheriff's coming, the sheriff's coming."

Chapter Six

People were nice. Remarkably nice. That's all Clarissa could think as they left the Shawnee hospital where they'd dropped off the family from the church. All day the people of Stearns had stopped by Pete's to see what they could do, and all day Pete had poured cup after cup of coffee. The Red Cross and FEMA were on site. The National Guard was there to help. But the biggest help had been the people she saw day to day at the diner.
 

She and Jed had gone with Lester Pyle to visit Mrs. Norene Albright at the Shawnee hospital. Clarissa teared up a little thinking about the two lonely souls. Lester was obviously in love with Mrs. Norene. Mr. Albright had “gone to meet his maker when he’d had a heart attack jumping into a cold pool on a hot summer day more than twenty-five years ago.” Mrs. Norene told that story on a regular basis, but since Clarissa had been working at Pete’s she’d never seen the woman give Lester any reason to think he had a chance.

Today though, before they left the hospital, Clarissa thought maybe she’d seen a spark of something between the two. She hoped Lester got his happy ending.

Being around the Dillons was changing her, making her soft. Not exactly what she needed.

Now Clarissa was tired, and, strangely, she was happy. She wasn't exactly sure, but she thought the lightness in her heart might actually be contentment.

"You want to stop and eat?" Jed asked, and she almost laughed because right now, in the midst of mass chaos, this felt so normal. Normal was a fairy tale of sorts, and she was living it.

Part of her brain screamed to stop, to get away now. But she pushed that away, decided to enjoy the moment. Reality would smack her around plenty soon, but for now, she could pretend.

A few minutes into lunch, Clarissa knew she’d made a mistake.

She needed to tell Jed the truth. He wasn't her kind of people. He wasn't her kind of anything. Not that she'd lied to him. But sometimes silence was the biggest lie of all.

She put down her tea, took a deep breath and told herself this was for the best.

"You know I've been thinking," Jed said before she could speak, and silently she groaned.

"Yeah, me too."

He put his burger down and indicated for her to go first.

She couldn't do it.

"You go ahead. Mine can definitely wait."

He gave her a long questioning look before continuing.

"You were really good with the kids today. You get them. You understand kid stuff, make them laugh, don't get frustrated when they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off."

She laughed at the wonder in his voice.
 

"They're not aliens. They're people only little. And their world shifted yesterday. They need to be able to express themselves."

"See, that's what I'm saying. You laugh with them and hug them, and if they need reproof, you gently steer them in a new direction. When that one little boy went running into the pile of debris near Pete’s, you didn't yell at him, you asked him to come over and play Red Rover. You have a gift."

His words warmed her, made her hurt so bad she almost couldn't breathe. But she couldn't tell him that. Instead she tried to tease. "So what you're saying is I'm childish?"

He surprised her by agreeing. "Maybe there is some of that. When you're with them it's like you miss being a kid."

She bit her tongue to keep from saying I Never Got The Chance. It hurt so bad. How had he seen that in her? His astuteness scared her.

She didn't say any of that.
 

"I definitely don't miss being a kid. Not one little bit." She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice even though she’d thought she was over the darkness of the past. "Sorry, I don't know where that came from. I just..." she trailed off and then sent the conversation back to him, praying he wouldn't go all deep, prying, talk show host on her.

"Sooooo, you see all these great qualities in me and...."

He studied her face for a long time before answering.

"And that makes me wonder if you'd be willing to help out long-term with the kids at the church while it's being used as a shelter."

Maybe he saw her objections, or maybe, like his mother, he just liked to get his way, but he kept talking, offering reasons why she couldn't say no.

"You can't work at Pete's now. No telling when he'll open up again, and if you stick around the ranch every day, you'll be interrogated by my mom eventually, and I'm going to bring Mack into town tomorrow so she can do her part."

"Her part?" The town was dangerous and devastated, and people's whole lives were lost. Was he crazy? "She's five. What can she do?"

He didn't seem a bit concerned, just ate a fry and kept talking like it was no big deal.

"She can be Mack. Have fun, play, pray with kids, just be herself. Those kids we saw in town today need someone other than the prettiest waitress in Stearns playing with them."

Color suffused her cheeks at his compliment. She was ridiculous. Like a stupid kid. Why did Jed Dillon have to be so nice?
 

"So back to what I was thinking," he said, not even realizing there was an awkward pause. “You’d be great with the kids, and I think the parents would really appreciate it.”

Yeah. Until Joan Anderson got ahold of them.
 

Clarissa pushed away the thought because as she listened to Jed speak, she realized she wanted to follow his suggestion. She couldn’t believe how badly she wanted to become part of Stearns and the people who lived there. To put down roots for a change instead of tumbling through life headlong. Especially now.

But... “I don’t know, Jed. I didn’t have much, but what I did have was in that apartment.”

“This is your chance to depend on others for a change,” he said. “I get the impression you haven’t done that often.”

Her heart fell to her toes. How did he know her biggest fears? Ridiculous. “You don’t really know me,” she said because she wanted to get him to back off. Way, way off.

But he didn’t see her words as rebuff.
 

“You’re right. I don’t know you, but you’re pretty much an open book on that one.”

No possible way. Not ever again. “Look, you’re a nice guy.”

He laughed. “I get that a lot, but not usually in this situation.”

She blew out a long breath and tried to change the subject.
 

“You know, I thought you were all dark and dreary and demanding. I didn’t think you even knew how to have fun. But you’re different today.”

A dark spark flitted across his eyes at her words, and she almost regretted them.

“I’m none of those things,” he said. “I just see that you could be good for Stearns, and I thought maybe you’d want the chance to see if the city could be good for you.”

With that he dug a twenty out of his wallet and tossed it on the table, obviously offended, which was just so wrong.

“So you get to dig into my psyche, but I can’t say what I thought about you until today without you getting upset? Come on, Jed. Lighten up a little.”

That could be her theme song for him. She sighed, switched the salt and sugar holders around on the table, went against everything her head was screaming and sided with the part of her that desperately wanted to belong.
 

“Okay. Fine. I’ll work with the kids. A little. No more than a week. I need to make plans, get my life settled. But if anything goes wrong, I’m reminding you that this was your idea.”

Later that day Jed turned up the drive to the Triple Eight and narrowed his eyes at the sight of the sheriff’s car sitting in his drive. From the road he could make out his momma, his daddy, the sheriff, and someone else. He didn’t see Mack.

Alarm hit hard.

“What in the world?” He said the words at the same time he noticed Clarissa stiffening beside him. Strange.

He hit the gas, kicking up gravel and dust, which made it harder to take in what exactly was going on up at the house.

A million questions ricocheted through his mind. Was it something to do with Mack, with the ranch, with Bev? He said a quiet prayer, asked God to please not let it be Mack. Anything else he could handle.

He pulled the truck behind the sheriff’s car and let out a breath of relief when he saw Mack in the kitchen doorway.

Clarissa sat in the truck, not budging, just staring at the stranger standing between his father and the sheriff.

“You okay?”

She shook her head, bit her lip, and he felt the anger coming off her in waves.

“You stay here. Let me see what’s going on.”

He jumped out of the truck, stalked up to the small group.
 

“Everything okay, sheriff?” he asked.

“Sorry about this, Jed, I was just explaining to your parents. The National Guard has orders to keep everyone out of Stearns except citizens and those with press credentials. I got a call from them about someone insisting she be let into town and thought maybe your guest could help us out a little here.”

The someone must be the bleach blonde stranger. Middle aged. Clothes a couple sizes too big for her tiny frame. Cheek bones too pronounced. Something about her looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite figure out why.

He turned back to the truck to tell Clarissa the sheriff needed to talk to her, but she’d already opened the door and jumped out. Walking past him she moved until she was standing between him and the stranger like she was intent on protecting him.

And then Clarissa shocked them all.

“What are you doing here, Momma?”

Dread warred with curiosity as Clarissa looked at her mother for the first time in three years. She looked worse than last time. Skinnier. Harder. Clarissa waited for her mother to answer.

“I saw you on the noon news, and I headed straight here from the city,” she said.

Of course she did. Clarissa could only imagine the thoughts Tammy Jo had when she’d seen her darling daughter on the TV surrounded by the good people of Stearns.
 

“Everyone, this is my momma, Tammy Jo Dye.”
 

She proceeded to introduce the woman who’d given birth to her to everyone present. Even the sheriff. She hoped God wouldn’t strike her down for that one. In fact, she was a little surprised the sheriff didn’t recognize her mother. Tammy Jo had been in trouble with the law for as long as Clarissa could remember. Somehow she didn’t figure anything had changed.

She didn’t want Mackenzie exposed to the woman.
 

Only one way to make that happen, but it was going to be ugly. Couldn’t be helped. How had she ever thought her slate could be clean?

“Sheriff, if you don’t mind running me and my momma back into town, I sure would be appreciative.”

“Nonsense,” Susie Dillon said, stepping in to play what Clarissa figured would be gracious hostess.

“No, really, it’s for the best,” Clarissa said, refusing to look at Jed, trying her hardest not to look at the door where Mackenzie was standing pressed against the glass. If she looked at either of them, her resolve would break. Everything in her warred against leaving them.

There weren’t many places left unscathed by the storm, but Clarissa figured she could take her mother to the local Allsups, share a fried burrito or two and send her on her way or leave with her if she needed to.
 

The thought broke her heart.
 

Only the sheriff threw a kink in that plan. “No can do, Miss Dye. Curfew starts in thirty minutes. Probably best to find your momma someplace to stay tonight. I’m real sorry about that.”

So was she. He had no idea how sorry she was.

“Well then,” Susie said, “we’ve got room....”

Paul Dillon came to the rescue. “We’ve got room out in the bunkhouse, Clarissa. You and your momma can stay there tonight. You’ve obviously got lots to talk about.”

Clarissa wanted to thank the man, hug him for understanding. Jed still looked puzzled, but he trusted her. He said goodbye to the sheriff and then walked with her and her mother to the bunkhouse to make sure everything was okay. Such a good guy. She couldn’t fall for him.
 

It was funny, really. The bunkhouse was nicer than most of the places she’d lived in her life. Certainly safer. Other than the presence of Tammy Jo Dye.

Her mother’s face never changed from that of serene maternal instinct, but Clarissa saw the fire in her eyes, and she knew the minute Jed left them alone, Tammy would have plenty to say.

One night. She could do this.

Jed promised he’d bring out supper, and Clarissa nodded, said thank you and refused to accompany him outside where he would ask questions. She had nothing to share where Tammy Jo was concerned. Nothing.

When she closed the door, she rounded on the woman who called herself mother. “Okay, Tammy Jo, spill.”

Tammy sat at the small table set up by a back window and met her eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Clarissa. I wasn’t lying. I saw you on the news today. You were crying, standing in the middle of a mess. I got a ride here as quickly as I could. Only, just like the sheriff said, the National Guard wouldn’t let me in. I insisted. You obviously needed me.”