Kismet (16 page)

I want to tell him. To let him know that it’s not completely his fault. Yes, I left because of him, but I’m the one who made choices that I’m not proud of. I did more to get me to this place than he ever did.

But I don’t, choosing instead to run with the emotions that he’s evoked. He’s just taking pity on me, and I refuse to let him take advantage again. “Don’t do me any favors, Parker,” I seethe just before I turn on the heel of my boot and walk out.

Tears cloud my vision and I can barely see as I make my way down the stairs. I wipe at my face as I hop back into Tommy’s truck.

Tommy takes one look at me and moves for the door. “Yep. I’m going to kill him.”

I reach out and grab him by the arm. “Don’t.”

He stops and looks at me. “Why are you always sticking up for him, Katie? You let him walk all over your heart. Even while you’re grieving.”

“Because I love him!”

“No shit, Katie. But you’re not a kid anymore. You deserve better than Parker McKenzie trampling on your heart, over and over again.”

“Just let it be, Tommy,” I plead

“Why should I?”

“Because, Parker isn’t the bad guy.”

“Then who is?” he asks, taking his hand off the door handle and turning in his seat.

“Me.”

Things effortlessly fall into a normal rhythm. Well, as normal as things can be for me for the time being. I keep my distance from Parker. That doesn’t keep him from watching me, but he’s not the only one. Everyone watches me—I’m constantly under the microscope. There are eyes are on me every time I take Onyx out, or feed the chickens, and especially when I decide to go for a run by myself.

It’s how every morning goes. And I’m finally eating my breakfast when Stevenson walks in.

“Morning, Katie,” he chirps.

I wave in response as I chew on my toast. It’s one of my favorite things about Stevenson. He stopped saying “good morning” when I asked him to. Of course, he’d asked why, and I simply told him it was because there was nothing “good” about it. Every morning was just another day. Nothing unusual, nothing exciting. Just another twenty-four hours for me to make it through, and somehow I always do.

Stevenson hums to himself as he pours a cup of coffee from Pop’s pot. He’s gotten particularly cozy with me, and my family. It’s kind of nice, having some one who just listens to me, someone who really knows me, and what I’ve done. What I feel.

Days with Stevenson always make me feel better because he understands me. He gets why I feel guilty, day in and day out, and he lets me know that it’s okay.

Since I started talking again, I’ve told Stevenson a lot about my past. Not all of it, but most of it. There’s really only one thing I can’t bring myself to talk about. In fact, I can’t even think about it most of the time.

“So shall we?” he asks, stalking past me towards the family room.

I sigh before quickly scoffing down my last bite of toast and follow him, without saying a word.

The floorboards creak as we walk. The living room is bright—the shades are pulled back, allowing all the gorgeous morning sunlight to flood the room. He sits down in the chair he has proclaimed as his own, and I flop onto the couch. I laugh at the irony as I lay back and put my hands behind my head.

“So what do you wanna talk about today, doc?” I ask.

Without missing a beat he answers me. “I want to talk about Parker.”

I consider arguing, but I know it’s no use. Stevenson always gets me to do what he wants, one way or another. “What do you want to know? Wait, hang on, let me rephrase that. What
don’t
you know? I know you’ve already talked to Parker.” I glare at him.

Stevenson seems shocked to hear that I know the two of them talked for a moment, but he doesn’t falter. “Your treatment plan and consent allowed me that opportunity, Katie. I have talked to him, but I only know Parker’s side of things, and I’m not so sure how forthcoming he was with me.”

I consider my options, but decide that having someone besides me know the story of Parker and I might be helpful. So, without any kicking or screaming, I close my eyes and the memories instantly flood my conscious. “So, where do you want me to start?”

“At the beginning.”

With my eyes closed, I picture the first time I laid eyes on Parker McKenzie, and I begin.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve loved Parker all of my life. I don’t have a memory without him in it. At first it wasn’t so much a physical crush, more an emotional thing. He and Tommy didn’t treat me like a nuisance, and they let me hang out with them despite all my issues.”

I pause and think back at to how hard it had been for me. “Being a mute didn’t exactly help me make friends, and Parker and Tommy were it for me. My rocks. Always watching out for me. Always there, sticking up for me.” I pause to laugh.

“I was fifteen the first time he kissed me. He’d just turned 20, and I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Since it was just a quick peck, I’m sure by anyone else’s standards it wouldn’t have been considered swoon-worthy, but it didn’t stop me from falling head over heels for him. Of course, I don’t think it was ever anything like that for him. He was Parker McKenzie—he surely wouldn’t want to date the mute girl. The girl that people continued to think was a little odd, despite me being perfectly normal at that point. Parker and Tommy were your run-of-the-mill country boys. They liked to kick up a little dirt, get into trouble. But after we shared that first innocent kiss, I began to realize that Parker McKenzie would never be mine so I turned all my attention to school. I got straight A’s, played sports, did my chores, and rode horses.”

I stop to take a breath.

I’ve never told anyone the whole story, this is always as far as I’d gotten. I consider stopping here again, but I need to get it all out there. Come clean with it all. Tell someone
all
of my demons. Maybe Stevenson can help me muddle through the feelings of my past.

“But when I turned eighteen, all that changed. It started one early summer night. Tommy and Parker were drunk and they needed a ride, so they called me, like they always did, and I went to get their drunk asses, like I always did because it was Tommy and Parker. I got there but Tommy had already left with his girlfriend, so I drove Parker home.” The memory is so vivid, so fresh, that my emotions catch up to me. A sob catches in my throat, and I cover my mouth with my hand.

Stevenson leans forward and places a hand on my knee. “Did Parker hurt you, Katie?” he asks, suddenly very concerned.

I shake my head and continue. “No. At least not in the way you’re probably thinking. Parker kissed me again that night, but that time it was different. When he kissed me, I felt like I was finally coming alive, like I’d found my person. I just knew that Parker was feeling it too and he and I… traveled into unchartered territory. I lost my virginity and it was the start of the best summer of my life. He and I snuck around for weeks, meeting up to spend time alone. He insisted that we keep our relationship a secret, just until he could figure out how to tell Tommy. I thought I was getting my happily ever after with the guy I’d been dreaming of since I was a little girl. But I didn’t. August rolled around and Parker took me to the lake.”

Stevenson was piecing things together. “The same lake where you had your breakthrough?”

I wouldn’t call it a breakthrough, more like a breakdown. All those feelings came rushing back. The feelings that I had worked so hard to shut off and push aside. It would be enough to make the strongest person come to their knees. And I had.

I nodded. “Yeah. I thought he was finally going to ask me to be his girl. In fact, I was banking on it. I was nervous as hell, because I had my own things I needed to tell him.”

A single tear falls onto my cheek but I wipe it away just as fast. I can’t do it. I’m not ready.

Stevenson hands me a tissue. “It’s okay, Katie. I get it, don’t force yourself to say anything you don’t want to. I can connect the dots. I’m a doctor. It’s my job to piece things together. It makes sense now. You punishing yourself. Your withdrawal. The connection with Parker that you’ve tried to fight.”

“I’m scared,” I sob.

“Why?”

“I don’t think I can fight it anymore.”

“And that scares you because?”

“Because I don’t think I deserve any of this.”

“You were just a kid, Katie. You made choices that most adults struggle with. You did what was best for you.”

“And look where that got me. My husband and babies are all dead!” I cry out.

“Katie, you’ve got to understand that the choices you made back then didn’t cause them to die. The other vehicle did. It was an
accident
. You lived.” He reaches over and grabs my hand in his. “They live within you, and they would want you to live the life they can’t.”

“But you don’t know everything.” I pause, taking a deep breath before letting all my skeletons come crashing out of the closet.

It’s surreal, sitting on the porch watching the sun go down, knowing that my big secret is out there. I told Stevenson my deepest, darkest secret, but he didn’t ostracize me. In fact, he understood.

This is the first big moment. One of those times when I feel like I’m forgetting the pain, but then the guilt creeps in and I remind myself of all that I’ve lost. Despite what Stevenson says, deep down I feel as though I don’t deserve this second chance. It still doesn’t seem fair, or right.

“Mind if I join you?”

I look up to see Parker hovering over me.

I scoot over. “Be my guest.”

He sits down, a little closer than I’d like and I’m already leaning against the banister. I’m closed in. His leg brushes mine, and my palms start sweating. “You ride today?” he asks as pulls out his pack of Marlboros.

I take a deep cleansing breath. Every part of me wants to be mad at him for being such a dick, but I can’t. He’s Parker.

“Yeah, I took Onyx on a three miler after my session with the doc. She did good. She’s getting strong.”

“Just like you.” He thumbs his Bic and takes a drag of his cigarette, making the end glow red.

“I’m not strong,” I argue.

“Yeah, you are.” He inhales, then releases the smoke from his mouth. “You just don’t realize it. Everyday that you get up and smile, you get a little stronger.”

Silence finds us just as the sun disappears behind the horizon. I’m lost in my thoughts, considering going for a run myself when I feel Parker’s fingers touch mine. I want to pull away, but I don’t. Instead, I allow him to slide his hand in mine, our fingers interlocking with ease. I sneak a look at him out of the corner of my eye, I see that he’s smiling and I can’t help but join him.

With a devilish grin, Parker pulls a pen from his pocket and, bringing my hand onto his lap, he starts to doodle on my wrist. It takes him a few minutes to scroll his message and by the time he finishes I feel giddy, like a teenager in love. But then, I’m reminded that I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m a widow who buried her husband and children a few short months ago. I’m not behaving like I should. Fear and loathing consume me. I’m torn between what’s right and what my heart feels.

“I can’t do this,” I mutter as I pull my hand free. Looking down I see his message:
Make it Count.

“Do what?”

“Be here… with you. Holding your hand, having you scratch love notes on me, all while they’re dead. It’s not right, Parker.”

Parker turns so that he’s facing me. “If this isn’t right, then I don’t know what is.” The remaining sunlight catches his gorgeous eyes and they sparkle. “You can’t keep punishing yourself, Katie. It’s not your fault that they’re gone.”

My heart aches. It’s the second time today I’ve heard that. Maybe if they all keep saying it, I might start believing them. Parker wants to understand, just like Stevenson, but he doesn’t. “You can’t say that when you don’t know all the facts.”

“I don’t have to know it all, Katie. I just know that you were given this second chance for a reason.” He pauses and grabs both my hands, pulling me around to face him. My eyes land on his and I literally stop breathing. All those years gone by, all this shit, and Parker McKenzie still has the ability to take my breath away.