Kismet (27 page)

I stare down at those little pink lines, taunting me like they had done for the last few weeks. I took ten of them, hoping that one might say it wasn’t so, but they all kept telling me the same thing.

I’m pregnant.

And Parker doesn’t want me.

Okay, I added that last part, but it’s the truth. I stuff the stick into my duffel bag, throwing the last of my junk into it. It was time to close this shitty chapter of my life and move on. There was someone out there that would take care of me like Parker had. Someone who wouldn’t be scared to love me…

I can’t stop crying.

The irony of it all has pushed me over the edge. It’s come full circle and there’s nothing I can do to stop or change it. It is what it is.

I’m slowly going insane. I know it. Stevenson has been watching me for a good 15 minutes. I started crying the minute I sat down for my scheduled session, and I can’t seem to stop.

Thankfully, he hasn’t pressed me. He’s just been there, watching me, waiting for me to be ready to talk. There’s a lot I want to say, things that need to be said but I can’t seem to find the right words. Eventually, I just give up searching for the perfect way to say what I need to say so I go straight for the jugular.

“I’m pregnant,” I manage to mutter between sobs before throwing my head back into my hands. The couch dips and I feel him sit down next to me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, but it does nothing. It feels like hours pass, and maybe they do, but eventually I run out of tears. Wiping my face, I look up at the only man that knows all of my demons.

I’m not ready. The thought of this being a possibility never crossed my mind. I’ve been so focused on what I lost that I haven’t thought about having children again. I’m scared on so many different levels that I don’t know which way is up. “What do I do?” I ask hopelessly, wringing my hands that were obviously full of tension.

“It’s time you fix your mistakes, Katie.”

The thought of people judging me makes me sick to my stomach. “Everyone will hate me.”

“Do I hate you?” he asks.

I ponder his question. I’ve never really thought about how people feel about me before. “I don’t know, do you?”

“No. Not even a little bit.”

I feel pressure on my chest. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. Think of it this way, Katie. Perhaps this is the universe’s way of giving you a second chance. A chance to make things right with Parker, so that you can start living again.”

“I don’t believe in God,” I argue.

“Me either. But I do believe in second chances.”

“It just doesn’t seem right—”

“To who?” he interjects. “Who doesn’t it seem right to? To you? To Parker? Because it seems to me that you guys are the only thing in each other’s lives that does make sense.”

“It’s just—”

“I wasn’t done. You’re worried that other people might think less of you, am I right?”

I nod.

“Katie, anybody who matters is just going to be happy to see you happy. And if they don’t see this as the blessing it is… well then they don’t deserve to be in your life.”

I’ve never considered my own feelings, ever. Suddenly it all clicks for me. As a child, I’d been so filled with doubt as a child that it had contributed to my mutism—at least that’s what all my therapists and doctors told me. They worked for hours on increasing my self-worth, but I had a hard time finding value in myself. Understanding that I wasn’t alone, even though I felt like I was, was difficult. It continued through adulthood and when my life came crashing down it only increased those feelings tenfold. It felt like I’d brought it all on myself, that I had somehow deserved the hand I’d been dealt. But, now, I refuse to believe that. This is about feeling hope. Hope that life can go on for me. That I can be happy again… and I already am.

“Can you do me favor?” I ask, looking up at Stevenson through weepy eyes.

“Of course, Katie.”

“I want to name my baby boy.” My voice cracks and I clear my throat before continuing. “Can you help me make that happen?”

“Absolutely. What’re you thinking?” Stevenson turns to a fresh blank page in his notebook, waiting to jot down my request.

I think for a few minutes, names tossing around in my head faster than I can process, when it suddenly hits me. The perfect way to honor him: giving him two names that mean so much to me. “Garvin Michael Baker.”

“I like that very much, Katie. I’ll talk to the birth certificate department at the hospital.”

“Make sure we order a new headstone too,” I add.

“We can do that.”

I look at Stevenson, realizing how lucky I’ve been to have him by my side through this. “I’m proud of you, Katie,” he says and pulls me in for a hug. I hug him back and know that Dr. Stevenson will always be part of my family now. He’s seen me through all of my demons and has given me the gift of strength.

“Now you need to go to Parker. This is the start of something beautiful for you, Katie. I know it.”

I won’t let my fear ruin this for me this time. This time things will be done the right way. Standing, I meet Stevenson’s eyes and say, “Thank you,” before walking into the kitchen and picking up the phone.

I dial the number that I memorized so many years ago. Hearing his familiar voice on the other end is my undoing. “Parker,” I choke, “I need you to come over.”

There is an obvious edge to my voice and I sense the panic in him as I hear something fall to the floor. “I’ll be right there.”

I nod even though I know he can’t see me. Speaking is not an option because I know I’ll break down. “Katie,” he ventures, “no matter what’s happened, what’s going on, we’ll work through it. We’ll get through it together, Katie, because I love you.”

“Me too,” I manage. The line goes dead and I replace the handset, sliding down the wall and crumbling into a heap of emotions on the kitchen floor. This is my chance to make it right, and I’m going to do my best to make that happen.

“Katie, talk to me.”

Parker kneels down in front of me, grabbing both my hands and forcing my eyes on his. He runs his thumb over the string of my bracelet.

“You’re scaring me.”

I hadn’t realized that I’d been so silent since Parker showed up. It’s scary thinking that this is what it would have been like the first time, if I had told Parker my secret instead of running away. I imagine things would have been different, but I can’t afford to think like that. Not right now. Positive thinking. Stevenson kept preaching to me about the power of a positive mind and I need to listen to him right now.

With Stevenson’s help I realized that this was right.
This
is my chance, my opportunity to do things the way I should have done them seven years ago. Sliding out of my chair, I join him on the floor, enveloping him in my arms.

“I love you,” I breathe into his ear.

Leaning back, his beautiful blue eyes meet mine and looking into them, I can see that everything is going to be okay. That he is my future… my person…

Parker McKenzie is my kismet.

“Katie, I love you. I can’t even begin to explain to you how much.”

I don’t even hesitate. Leaning forward, I press my lips to his. His hands work up and down my back, quickly setting me at ease. “Now, you’ve got to tell me what’s going on with you. Please?”

I start and stop more times than I should.
It’s simple, Katie, just tell him.
But I always did suck with finding the right words.

I decide to give him the long drawn out version of what I’ve been thinking.

“I thank my lucky stars every day for putting you back into my life. I know that I wouldn’t have made it this far without you by my side, Parker.” He smiles at me, complete and utter adoration in his eyes. “I wish we could start over, but we can’t. What’s done is done, and that’s that. But I do know that I love you, and for now that is all I need.”

I reach down and take his hands in mine, he immediately thumbs my bracelet and I smile before placing his hands on my already slightly rounded stomach. “We’ve been given a gift, a way for us to start again. We’ll never forget, and things will never be okay, but this… this is a way for us to make amends. For us to try and make peace with our shitty decisions.”

Parker’s eyes are wide with shock. “You’re pregnant?” he asks, dumbfounded.

Suddenly I’m scared. This is the moment I feared as a teenager. And the fear of this moment sent me packing, looking for some sort of alternative. The tears stick in my throat, my words all used up, so I nod instead.

Parker hesitates for a moment, and I start to freak out. My palms start sweating and I’m sure he is about to break it to me that we were just having fun, but instead I see a tear roll down his cheek, and a smile slowly spreads across his face. He leans forward and kisses me, starting with my mouth working his way to my stomach where he covers it in an all too familiar pattern. “A heart,” he says, “because you carry my heart.”

“So what do we do now?” I ask, not really sure myself.

“We tell everyone.”

“Yeah?” I ask with slight disbelief.

Standing up he reaches his hand out to me, urging me to stand. “Yeah.”

Even with my happiness, I can’t help but wonder. “Do you think this is what it would have been like if I’d told you… you know… back then?”

“I think it would have been different, kiddo, but I think the outcome would have been the same.”

We start walking down the stairs, knowing that Mom, Pop, and Tommy are already down there, unknowingly waiting for the news to hit them. “Oh yeah, and what’s the outcome?”

“That I will love you, and that baby, until my dying day.”

In the kitchen, Mom, Pop, and Tommy are sitting around the table, going over the farm finances. They’re trying to figure out how we’re going to keep taking on horses. They been at it for days. I feel bad that I haven’t been of much help to them, but I’ve been too worried about myself and Parker to really worry about the future of the farm.

The bottom line is that the expenditure on the horses is more than the benefit. It makes me sad to know that we might have to sell the horses because they’ve been such an important part of my life for as long as I can remember.

“Here’s the two lovebirds,” Tommy jokes spitting some of his chew into an empty soda bottle.

Mom and Pop giggle happily at his joke, but I can feel my face flush. It still seems strange to know that my—I mean
our
—secret is out. Parker slides his hand into mine, the right amount of reassurance at just the right time and I immediately feel myself relax. “What do the numbers look like?” Parker asks, lightening the mood.

Pop shifts in his seat nervously. “It looks like without some sort of income, we’ll have to start selling off some of the horses.”

I feel a lump form in my throat. They can’t.

“Shit,” Parker sighs, taking a look at the papers strewn over the table.

“So, what’ve you guys been doing?” Tommy asks, obviously hinting at an innuendo. Parker does me a solid and slaps him in the back of the head. Tommy yells, his hand rubbing the back of his head.

“Katie?” Parker leads. I had hoped that he would take charge of the situation, letting my family in on our little secret for me. But I’m not that lucky. Of course he was going to leave me to do that.

I start picking at the hangnails on my fingers, hoping somehow to forget but all it really did was bide my time. It was too late to back out now. The time had come for me to tell them. I remembered what Stevenson said to me,
“Katie, anybody who matters is just going to be happy to see you happy. And if they don’t see this as the blessing it is… well then they don’t deserve to be in your life.”

“Mom? Pop? Tommy? I have something that I want to tell you guys.”

They look at me, none of them pressing me, nobody questioning me, just looking for more insight. They wait patiently, hanging on the seconds as they wait for my words.

“Parker and I…”

I pause, not sure of how to go about this. I consider the words I can use for a few seconds but instead I go with the usual. “I… I mean, we’re going to have a baby.”