Kismet (18 page)

“So let me clear it up for you,” he begs.

I scoff. “Don’t do me any favors.”

“You’re incorrigible,” he bites. I cross my arms, and impatiently tap my foot. “We’ve got a lot to talk about, Katie. You sure you want to do it right now? Right here?”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the past few months of my life it’s that there is no better time than the present. I don’t have time anymore, Parker. I played that game, with you, through my childhood. I waited for you, for years.”

“Only to run off and get pregnant and marry the first guy you met!” His anger is apparent, but he calms himself quickly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Hot tears pool in my eyes and my blood boils. “I didn’t run off, asshole. I left because you pushed me away!”

For a second he’s silent, running his hand through his hair and pressing his lips together in a hard line. “That day at the lake was a mistake, Katie. I went up there with all intentions of telling you I was ready to be together—that I was going to tell Tommy. But then I heard that you were considering not going to college in Manchester, and I knew it was because of me. I couldn’t be responsible for that.”

“You told me you didn’t want to be with me. That we had just been having fun, and that what we had been doing was just a mistake!”

I hate that I’m crying. But I can’t help it.

Parker grabs my hands and looks into my eyes. No, not my eyes—deep into my soul, like he always did. “When I told you that, I was doing it for you. So that you could have a better life. You deserved more than I could give you.”

Despite the river of tears, I manage to laugh. He couldn’t have been more wrong. “That wasn’t your choice to make, Parker! Does this look like a better life than you imagined for me?” I rip my hands free of his, and glare at him. “I’m still stuck here, but now… well, now to top it all off I’m a damaged, childless widow!”

I slowly start backing away from him, ready to flee.

“Katie,” he pleads.

It’s too much for me to handle. I can’t talk about the past anymore. “No. Please, just leave me alone, Parker.” The words fall on deaf ears because he’s still taking tentative steps toward me. “I’m begging you, Parker.” I put my hands up for him to stop. “I can’t.”

That’s the ticket. He stops in his tracks, watching me helplessly as I turn on my heel and start running back home.

I get to the bottom of our driveway before I collapse to my knees. The run, and the weight of all that has happened, cause my legs to give out. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, but the physical exhaustion actually outweighs everything else on my mind. Unable to move, I sit and look at the sky, when I feel someone touch my shoulder. I spin around defensively, expecting Parker to be standing there. But he’s not.

“Tommy?” I ask, still catching my breath. I think I just ran about six miles in total, and that’s a lot given I’m hellishly out of shape.

“I saw you fall,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” I breathe. “Just tired.”

He sits on the ground next to me, picking a piece of straw and placing it in his mouth. “Good. I’m glad.”

Moving still isn’t an option, but I manage to shuffle so that I’m sitting next to him, gazing out at the empty fields in front of us. After a few peaceful minutes, Tommy sighs. “You and I need to talk, Katie.”

I look over at him. “That’s all anyone wants to do these days. What’s wrong with a little bit of silence?”

“Weren’t you silent long enough?” he questions.

“Touché, brother. Touché.”

“So about all this Parker bullshit… you gonna fill me in?” he asks.

“There’s not much to fill you in on,” I lie, dropping my head to his shoulder.

“What is it with you two? He said the same thing, and to be honest you guys are getting on my last fuckin’ nerve. I’m not dumb. You guys thought you were being sneaky back then, but I could tell anytime we were all together that something was going on. It’s bullshit that you’re still pretending nothing ever happened.”

“Nothing did happen, Tommy. I left. It’s over.”

“Is it?”

I say nothing. Silence has always been my best friend, and it has become my favorite defense mechanism.

“Look, Katie, I love you, you know that. And Parker has been my best friend since… well, forever. I thought I knew him, had him pegged, you know. But I was wrong. Parker has been a mess since you’ve come back, and I think it’s because he doesn’t know what to feel. I think he’s excited to have another shot with you, but feeling guilty about it all at the same time.”

I could sympathize with that because it matched my feelings to a T.

“I’m not sure what happened the first time around, but don’t you think you owe it to yourself, and your family, to give it a shot? See what happens? Live life a little, Katie. Be irresponsible. Take a chance. Hell. find out who you really are—who you’re supposed to be.”

I look over at Tommy and he forces a smile. “How hard was that for you?” I ask. Tommy was never one to admit his shortcomings or give advice so this was totally uncharted territory for him.

“Fuckin’ torture,” he laughs.

Joining in, I throw my arm around his neck. “I love you.”

“You better.”

It’s mild out and I’m sitting in the swing when I see him pull up for his evening chores. He gets out of his Mustang but doesn’t see me. I see him, though, and I can’t help but notice how sullen he looks. He’s not the cocky Parker I’ve known all these years, and his signature smile has been replaced with a look of sadness.

And in that moment I know Tommy’s right.

Parker’s not messing around. He never was.

There is a distinct possibility that Parker might actually love me back.

I slide out of the swing, but the second my bare feet hit the warm grass I second-guess myself. What will people think? I know I’m ready to move forward… but will everybody else agree?

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Michael, Zoe, and the baby. Every second, of every hour, of every day I think about them in some form or another. But maybe everyone is right. Maybe I owe it to them to pick up the pieces of my life and at least attempt to put them back together again. I’ve got a lot of good in my life, but I’ve got to find a combination that works for me, and something tells me that Parker is an integral piece to this puzzle.

And so I’m not going to waste another second of my second chance.

Lost in thought, Parker doesn’t notice me as I follow him into the barn. Even the crunching of the grass underneath my feet isn’t enough to alert him. He grabs a shovel and heads into the first horse stall before he finally notices me.

Spotting me, he stops in his tracks. “Katie,” he says, leaning against the shovel, “about earlier—”

I put my hand up to stop him. I didn’t follow him here for an apology. I have a plan.

“Let’s leave the past where it belongs. Behind us.”

For a moment he doesn’t move, but then he rests the shovel up against the wall and comes to me, his body inches from mine. A slow, devilish grin creeps across his face as he grabs my hand. “Come with me,” he says, pulling me behind him as he walks out of the barn.

“Where are you taking me?” I ask in between giggles. It feels good to laugh again. I actually feel alive.

He drops my hand and looks back at me with a grin on his face. “Tonight, we’re going to make it count.” And before I can question him any further, he’s running, my hand firmly in his. “Come on,” he yells over his shoulder at me.

I shake my head and struggle to keep pace with him as he heads in the direction of the creek. It takes us a few minutes to get there, and when we stop we’re breathless. Silence fills the air as we look at each other. He snakes his arm around my waist and pulls me close to him. “Come here.”

My hands lands on his chest and I look up into his eyes, feeling like a teenager all over again. Having him touch me makes me forget the pain, although only temporarily, because somehow the guilt always sneaks back in. It’s like an infection. Trying to prevent my scars from healing, even though I so desperately want them to.

“I know,” he murmurs before kissing my forehead.

Confused, I look up at him. “You know what?”

He takes his hand and brushes some hair off my face. “You’re thinking about him, and it hurts you. I can tell by the look in your eyes.” He slowly leans forward and kisses my eyes. “Tell me about him.”

Thinking about Michael makes my heart hurt. But knowing that Parker cares enough to ask makes it better.

“Vows shouldn’t say ‘until death do us part’… because I continue loving him, ever after death.”

Parker strokes my hair, his icy blue eyes never leaving mine. “It’s strange, you know, because I left here and ran away from you, looking from something—anything—to heal my heart. And I found Michael. He started out as a Band-Aid, a quick fix. But the more I was around him, the more I knew that he was the answer to my prayers.”

Tears sting my eyes, but this time I don’t fight them and they start to fall, leaving streaks on my face. “I always loved you, Parker, but you just made it too easy for me to walk away. He loved me when you didn’t…”

“Katie, I need you to understand something. I never stopped loving you. Ever.“

“You hurt me.”

He hangs his head in shame. “I know…”

“But does it really matter now?” I ask between tears.

“Of course it does,” he answers.

“No,” I argue, “it really doesn’t. Without the past, our today doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve been through the wringer, we’ve been hurt, and we’ve learned, but without our past we wouldn’t be us.”

A smile creeps across his face. “So, we’re an ‘
us
’?”

Watching his face light up, I can’t help but smile myself. I smile more every day that I spend with Parker. “I think we’re on our way to it.”

“I never meant to hurt you, kiddo. I wanted more for you than I could give. We were young, and stupid. We just weren’t ready for each other. But now… well, now I think we can learn to love again… together.”

He scoops me up in his arms, my feet lifting off the ground. “I should have never let you go, Katie, and I never will again. All I know is that your eyes are too beautiful to be sad, and that’s all I’ve seen in them lately. Let me try and fix it. Let me fix everything that went wrong, and make it all right again.”

Without a thought, I wrap my arms around his neck and his grip around my waist tightens. He leans down and kisses my lips gently, almost exactly like he did for our first kiss, all those years ago. “I’ve missed you, kiddo. I’ve missed you so much.”

And with that I come completely undone. My hands slide up the back of his neck and pull his mouth into mine. No more tentative, twelve-year-old kisses. I tease him with my tongue, urging him to meet me half way. I’m just about to give up when he finally responds. His hands dig into my hips and he groans before sliding his tongue into my mouth. He tastes like tobacco and Double Mint gum.

It’s better than any drug.

It’s heaven.

The kiss is all-consuming but I feel it when he pushes me a few steps and my back hits a tree. “Ouch,” I murmur into his mouth.

“Sorry.”

His hand skirts around the edge of my shirt, his calluses rubbing the skin of my stomach. The movement tells me that he’s still unsure, and I can’t say that I really blame him. I mean, I’m not exactly the most stable person—my mood swings would give anyone a headache. Hell, I drive myself crazy most days.

High with confidence, I take my shirt off in one fell swoop. It’s not something Parker is expecting and I watch as his eyes quickly take me in before his mouth is back on me. This time he forgoes the lips and starts with my neck. Slowly, he makes his way down, his hands parallel with his mouth.

My collarbone.

Breasts.

Ribs.

But then he does something so perfect, that it literally takes my breath away. In a movement so delicate I would not have expected it of him, his hands rub circles on my stomach and despite the heat of the moment, I can’t help but become self-conscious. My stomach isn’t what it was the last time he saw it. Two pregnancies and countless stretch marks later, I’m sure it’s not what he’s used to seeing. I expect him to pull away, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes his time, starting with a kiss on my belly button and kissing every few inches in some sort of shape.