Ivanov (5 page)

Sasha
Nikolay – I do understand – it’s loneliness that’s making you so unhappy. You should be with someone who loves you and understands you. Only love can save you.

Ivanov
What are you talking about, Sasha?! A love affair is all I need, a bedraggled old crosspatch like me.
God save me from that! No, my little bright spark, a love affair is not the answer. I can bear anything – despair, ruin, losing my wife, feeling lonely and old before my time – anything but my self-disgust – that’s the thing I can’t live with. I could die of shame that a strong healthy fellow like me has turned into a sort of hangdog parody of a literary cliché – the superfluous guest!

Sasha
(
lightly, on the brink of tears
)
Nikolay, let’s run away to America.

Ivanov
I haven’t got the strength to run as far as that door, and you talk of America. (
They go towards the garden.
)
It’s not easy for you being stuck here. When I look at who’s around, I worry about you – who is there to marry here? Your only hope is for some passing lieutenant or student to steal you and take you away . . .

Zinaida enters with a jar of jam.

You go ahead, Shurochka, I’ll catch you up . . .

Sasha goes out into the garden.

Can I ask you something, Zinaida?

Zinaida
What is it?

Ivanov
(
hesitates
)
Well, the thing is, the interest on the loan is due the day after tomorrow. I’d be awfully grateful if you could defer it, or let me add it to the lump sum. I have absolutely no money at present.

Zinaida
(
alarmed
)
How can I do that, Nikolay? What sort of business arrangement is that? No, don’t even think of it, for God’s sake, don’t upset me like this . . .

Ivanov
I’m sorry, I’m sorry . . .

Ivanov goes out.

Zinaida
(
aside
)
Dear God, he gave me a fright! I’m shaking like a leaf.

She goes out.

    
Kosykh enters, crossing the stage.

Kosykh
(
aside
)
I had the ace, king, queen and seven showing in diamonds, the ace of spades . . . and one low heart, but she, God rot her, couldn’t declare a small slam . . .

He goes out. Avdotya and First Guest enter.

Avdotya
I’d like to rip her to pieces, the old skinflint . . . It’s beyond a joke, I’ve been sitting here since five o’clock and she hasn’t so much as offered me a stale herring. What a place! What a way to keep house!

First Guest
I’m so desperate I’m about ready to start howling like a wolf and biting lumps out of people.

Avdotya
. . . rip her to pieces, the old sinner.

First Guest
I’m going to have a drink and then – off home! And don’t bother to line up those brides you promised me – I can’t think about love when I haven’t had a drink since my dinner.

Avdotya
Let’s go and sniff some out, then.

First Guest
Shsh! . . . I think there’s some schnapps in the sideboard in the dining room. Let’s get hold of Yegorushka . . . Shhh!

They go out. Anna and Lvov come in.

Anna
Don’t worry, they’ll be delighted to see us. There’s no one here. They must be in the garden.

Lvov
I’d like to know why you’ve brought me to this vultures’ nest. Honest people like you and me can’t breathe in this atmosphere.

Anna
Oh you, Mr Honesty! If you’re going to keep a lady company, it’s really not nice to talk about your honesty the whole time – honest though it may be. Never
tell a woman your virtues. Let her find them out. When my husband took me out, he’d sing and tell stories, and all the women would know what kind of man he was.

Lvov
I don’t want to hear about your husband. I know only too well what kind of man he is.

Anna
You’re a decent man at heart, Doctor, but you don’t understand anything. Let’s go out in the garden. Nikolay never talked the way you do – he left the zoology out of it. When he lost his temper with someone, he’d say to me, ‘Oh, Anya, that was unfair of me, ‘ or ‘Now I feel sorry for him . . .’ But not you . . .

They go out.

    
Avdotya and the First Guest enter.

First Guest
If it’s not in the dining room the only other place is the pantry. Yegorushka will know . . .

Avdotya
I could rip her to pieces, really I could . . .

They go out.

    
Babakina and Borkin run in from, the garden laughing. Shabelsky minces in after them, also laughing and rubbing his hands.

Babakina
What a bore! (
Laughs.
)
Everyone standing around as if they’d swallowed a poker. My bones are stiff with boredom. (
Jumps about.
)
I have to stretch them . . .

Borkin grabs her around the waist and kisses her on the cheek.

Shabelsky
(
laughs loudly and snaps his fingers
)
Devil take it!

Babakina
Let go of me! You’re shameless! God knows what the Count will think. Let go!

Borkin
My heart’s angel, my treasure! . . . Lend me two thousand three hundred roubles.

Babakina
Certainly not. Say what you like, but when it’s money – thanks all the same – so let go of my arms.

Shabelsky
(
minces round and about
)
My little pompom – She’s quite good looking in her own way . . .

Borkin
(
seriously
)
Right, enough of that, let’s get down to business. I want a straight answer. No messing about. Yes or no. (
Indicates the Count.
)
He needs money, three thousand a year, minimum. You need a husband. Want to be a Countess?

Shabelsky
(
laughs loudly
)
He really takes your breath away!

Borkin
Want to be a Countess? Yes or no?

Babakina
(
agitated
)
The things you come up with, Misha, really . . . You can’t deal with these sorts of things on the spur of the moment . . . The Count can ask me himself if he wants to . . . and I don’t know – It’s all a bit sudden –

Borkin
Don’t confuse the issue. This is a business proposal. Yes or no?

Shabelsky
(
laughing and rubbing his hands
)
Well, how about it? Damn me, do I have to deal with this sordid little business for myself? Eh? Come here, my little pompom . . . (
Kisses Babakina on her cheek.
)
My charmer, my little cucumber!

Babakina
Stop it, stop – you’ve got me all upset . . . Get away from me! – No, don’t go away . . .

Borkin
Hurry up! Yes or no? We haven’t got all night.

Babakina
I’ll
tell you what, Count. Come and stay in a day or two . . . It’s fun at my house, not like here . . . Come tomorrow . . . (
To Borkin.
)
Is this a joke?

Borkin
(
angrily
)
Would I joke about anything as serious as this?

Babakina
Oh, stop, stop – oh, I’m feeling awful . . . A Countess . . . I don’t feel well . . . I’m going to faint . . .

With a laugh, Borkin and the Count take her under the arms and, kissing her on the cheeks, lead her out.

    
Ivanov and Sasha run in from the garden.

Ivanov
(
clutching at his head in despair
)
No, it’s impossible! Don’t, Sasha, don’t – you must stop this!

Sasha
(
letting it all pour out
)
I’m madly in love with you. Without you my life has no meaning – no joy or happiness! You’re everything to me . . .

Ivanov
But what’s the use? Why are you telling me? Oh God, I don’t understand what’s going on. Sasha, you mustn’t . . .

Sasha
From when I was just a little girl, you were the light of my life. I loved you body and soul, more than my life. But now . . . I love you, Nikolay Alekseevich. I’d go with you anywhere you like – the other side of the world – or to the grave. Only, for God’s sake, quick or I’ll stop breathing . . .!

Ivanov
(
bursts into happy laughter
)
What’s happening? Can it mean I can start again? A new life? Is that it, Shurochka? . . . Oh, my blessed one! (
Pulls her towards him.
)
Your’re my lost youth, my innocence . . .

Anna enters from the garden and, catching sight of her husband and Sasha, stops as though rooted to the spot.

Ivanov
Does it really mean I can start to live again? – does it? To live and work as I used to?

They kiss. Then Ivanov and Sasha see Anna.

(
Horrified.
)
Anna!

Anna faints

End of Act Two.

Act Three

Ivanov’s study. A desk on which papers, books, official packages and knick-knacks and revolvers lie in disorder; among the papers is a lamp, a carafe of vodka, a plate with salted herrings, pieces of bread and pickled cucumbers. On the walls, maps, pictures, guns, pistols, sickles, whips and so on. Midday.

Shabelsky and Lebedev sit on either side of the desk. Borkin is in the middle of the stage, astride a chair. They sprawl, somewhat in their cups, like lords of the earth, ruling on the great issues of the world. Pyotr stands by the door.

Lebedev
Now
France . .
. France has a clear-cut and definite policy . . . Your Frenchy knows what he wants. He wants to kick the tripes out of your German sausage-maker, simple as that. But Germany’s whistling a different tune, my friend. Germany has plenty of other geese to cook besides France.

Shabelsky
You’re talking rubbish. If you ask me, the Germans are cowards, and so are the French. They’re pulling faces behind each other’s backs, but take my word for it, that’s as far as it will go. They won’t fight.

Borkin
But what I’m saying is, there’s no
need
to fight. All these rearmament congresses and vast expenditure . . . it’s completely unnecessary. You know what I’d do? Round up every dog in the country, give ‘em a good dose of rabies and let them loose across the border. The enemy will be frothing at the mouth in a month.

Lebedev
(
laughs
)
There’s a billion brilliant ideas swimming about in that little head, one for every fish in the ocean.

Shabelsky
He’s a genius.

Lebedev
God bless you, Michel Michelich! You’re a hoot. (
Soberly.
)
However, gentlemen, here we are jawing away and hardly a mention of vodka.
Repetatur!

He fills three glasses.

Here’s to us.

They drink and eat.

Salted herring, Lord love it – greatest snack there is.

Shabelsky
No – cucumber. The best minds have been thinking about this since the world began and they haven’t come up with anything to beat a pickled cucumber. (
To Pyotr.
)
We need more cucumbers, Pyotr, and tell the kitchen to do four onion pasties. Make sure they’re hot.

Pyotr goes out.

Lebedev
Another snack vodka’s good with is caviar. I’ll tell you what, though, it requires intelligence. You take four ounces of caviar, two spring onions, some olive oil, mix it well and serve with a squeeze of lemon. The aroma by itself is enough to make you swoon.

Borkin
To follow a shot of vodka, fried gudgeon makes a nice little snack, I find. Only, you have to know how to fry it. You clean it, dip it in breadcrumbs, and fry till crisp – it’s got to be crunchy to the bite, crunch, crunch.

Shabelsky
That was a good snack at Babakina’s yesterday – white mushrooms.

Lebedev
Oh, yes, indeed –

Shabelsky
But to a special recipe, you know, with onion, bay leaf, different kinds of herbs . . . The steam when they took the lid off the pan had a fragrance that was pure joy.

Lebedev
Who’s for another?
Repetatur,
gentlemen!

They drink.

Good health. (
Looks at his pocket watch.
)
I’m going to miss Nicolas by the look of it. I must be going. So – white mushrooms at Babakina’s, is it? Is that why you’ve taken to calling on Marfutka all the time?

Shabelsky
(
nods at Borkin
)
It’s him – he wants to marry me off to her.

Lebedev
Really? . . . How old are you?

Shabelsky
Sixty-two.

Lebedev
Just the right age for marriage. And Marfa’s just the woman for you.

Borkin
This is not about Marfutka, it’s about Marfutka’s cash in the bank.

Lebedev
Is that all you’re after? You might as well ask a goose for its liver.

Borkin
Just wait till he’s married, it’ll be goose liver galore and you’ll be licking your lips in envy.

Shabelsky
My God, he’s serious. This genius here really thinks I’m going to do what he says and get married.

Borkin
What do you mean? You’re already sold on it, aren’t you?

Shabelsky
You must be off your head . . . When was I ever sold on it?

Borkin
Well, thanks very much! You mean you’re going to back out? First he’ll marry her, then he won’t marry
her . . . Let the devil work it out. And I’ve given her my solemn word. So you won’t marry her, is that it?

Shabelsky
(
shrugs his shoulders
)
He’s serious. Extraordinary chap.

Borkin
(
indignant
)
If that’s the case, what was the point of getting an honest woman all excited for nothing? She’s mad keen to be a Countess, she can’t sleep or eat. Is that your idea of honourable behaviour?

Shabelsky
(
snaps his fingers
)
All right then, supposing I take the plunge into this dung-hill . . . eh? Just for the hell of it. Yes, all right. I’ll do it. Word of honour. What a lark.

Lvov enters.

Lebedev
Ah, Aesculapius, we’re honoured . . . (
Shakes hands with Lvov and sings.
)
’Oh save me, Doctor, dear Doctor, I’m dying and scared to death . . .’

Lvov
Isn’t Ivanov here?

Lebedev
Not yet – I’ve been over an hour waiting for him, too.

Lvov paces up and down the stage impatiently.

Lebedev
How is Anna Petrovna?

Lvov
She’s bad.

Lebedev
(
sighs
)
Would it be all right to look in on her, just to show we –

Lvov
No, please don’t. I think she’s asleep now.

Pause.

Lebedev
She’s a nice woman, I like her . . . (
Sighs.
)
When she fell down in a faint that day on Sasha’s birthday, I took one look at her face and I knew she hadn’t got long. I never understood what made her faint just then.
I run in, I take one look, there she is, pale as death, lying on the floor, Nikolay on his knees beside her, also gone white, and Shurochka in tears. It shook us up for a week.

Shabelsky
(
to Lvov
)
Here’s one for you, as one of the medical priesthood. Who’s the genius who worked out that women with bad chests might benefit from frequent visits from a young doctor? It’s a great discovery. A breakthrough. Does it come under homeopathy or allopathy, would you say?

Lvov makes to answer, but gestures contemptuously and goes out.

What’s known as a withering look.

Lebedev
Still, that was uncalled for. Why insult him?

Shabelsky
(
irritably
)
Because he’s a liar. ‘Tuberculosis – no hope – death’s door’ . . . It’s just lies and I won’t have it.

Lebedev
What makes you think he’s lying?

Shabelsky
(
stands up and walks around
)
I refuse to accept that somebody all of a sudden and for no particular reason can just die. Can we drop the subject?

Kosykh runs in, catching his breath.

Kosykh
Is Nikolay Alekseevich here? Good morning, good day, everyone.

He quickly shakes hands with everyone.

Is he at home?

Borkin
No, he isn’t.

Kosykh
(
sits down and then jumps up
)
In that case, I’m off! (
Drinks a shot of vodka and takes a snack.
)
Must get on. Things to do . . . I’m so tired I can barely stand.

Lebedev
Where’ve you come from?

Kosykh
Barabanov’s. Been playing cards all night, just finished. Lost my shirt. That Barabanov plays like a blacksmith. (
In a tearful voice.
)
Just listen to this. I was holding hearts from the off.

He turns to Borkin, who jumps back from him.

He leads diamonds – I follow with hearts – and he plays another diamond! I didn’t get a trick. (
To Lebedev.
)
We play four clubs. I had ace, queen, five, and in spades, ace, ten, two . . .

Lebedev
(
stops his ears
)
Spare me, for the love of Christ!

Kosykh
(
to the Count
)
You understand. Ace, queen and five of clubs – ace, ten and two of spades –

Shabelsky
(
pushes him away
)
Go away. I’m not listening.

Kosykh
And then disaster – my ace of spades trumped in the first round –

Shabelsky
(
grabs a revolver from the table
)
Go away or I’ll shoot!

Kosykh
Bloody hell, can’t one even have a conversation? It’s like living in Australia. No community spirit, every man for himself. Anyway, I’ve got to go – (
Grabs his cap.
)
time is precious –

He gives Lebedev his hand.

Pass!

Laughter. Kosykh goes out and in the doorway bumps into Avdotya.

Avdotya
(
shrieks
)
Hey you! You nearly knocked me off my feet!

All
Ah – here she is again – you can’t get away from her! She’s everywhere!

Avdotya
(
shaking hands
)
So this is where you’ve got to. I’ve been all round the house. Hello all, you young hawks –
bon appétit.

Lebedev
What brings you?

Avdotya
Business, my friend! (
To the Count.
)
Concerning you, Your Excellency. (
Bows.
)
I was told to give you her regards and enquire after your health . . . and I have orders from my little darling to tell you if you don’t come to see her this evening, she’ll cry her little eyes out. She says to me, ‘Get him alone, my dear, whisper it in secret.’ But we’re not stealing the chickens, it’s all above board and true love on both sides – so what’s the big secret? I never touch a drop, sinner though I am, but on an occasion like this, I think I’ll have one.

Lebedev
So will I. (
Pours out.
)
You haven’t changed, you old hen – I remember you as an old lady thirty years ago.

Avdotya
I’ve lost count of my years . . . I buried two husbands and would have married again if I’d found someone to take me without a dowry. I’ve had eight children, too . . . (
Takes the glass.
)
Anyway, we got off to a good start with this business, and God willing we’ll end it well. They’ll be happy enough, and we’ll look on and be happy for them. Here’s to love and good friends to help it run smooth. (
Drinks.
)
I say, this vodka’s strong stuff.

Shabelsky
(
laughing loudly, to Lebedev
)
And, you know, the remarkable thing is, they seriously think I’m going to . . . Amazing! (
Stands up.
)
All the same, Pasha, should we go ahead with the dirty deed, eh? – just for the hell of it? How about it, then, you old dog, what do you say, Pasha?

Lebedev
You’re not making any sense. Our only business – yours and mine – is to prepare our minds for
falling off the bucket – for kicking up the daisies – you see what I’m saying, it’s all too late for us and Marfa’s millions.

Shabelsky
Yes – I’m going to do it. My word of honour, I’ll do it.

Enter Ivanov and Lvov.

Lvov
I just need you for five minutes.

Lebedev
Nicolas! (
Goes to meet Ivanov and kisses him.
) Hello, my dear chap . . . I’ve been waiting an hour for you.

Avdotya
(
bows
)
Good day, Your Honour.

Ivanov
(
annoyed
)
You’ve turned my office into a bar room again, I’ve asked you a thousand times not to do this.

He goes over to the desk.

Look at this – you’ve spilled vodka all over my papers – crumbs, cucumbers . . . it’s disgusting, it really is!

Pyotr enters with a plate of pasties.
*

Pyotr
(
entering
)
Pasties.

Ivanov
What?

Pyotr
Onion pasties. The Count . . .

Shabelsky
Are they hot?

Ivanov snatches the plate and flings it at the wall. Pyotr leaves. Ivanov stands trembling.

Lebedev
It’s all my fault, Nicolas . . . I’m sorry. But I need to have a chat about something of great importance.

Borkin
So do I.

Lvov
Ivanov, may I have a word with you?

Ivanov
(
to Lebedev
)
What is it?

Lebedev
Would you mind . . .? Gentlemen, I need to speak to Nicolas in private.

The Count goes out with Avdotya, followed by Borkin and Lvov.

Ivanov
Pasha, you can drink as much as you like, it’s your funeral, but I ask you not to encourage my uncle. He never used to drink, and it’s not good for him.

Lebedev
(
alarmed
)
My dear fellow, I had no idea – I wasn’t even paying attention . . .

Ivanov
If that old booby died on you, God forbid . . . So what do you want?

Pause.

Lebedev
Well, let’s see . . . I don’t know how to start, I don’t want it to come out all tactless – this is so embarrassing. I’m all tongue-tied, but, dear friend, put yourself in my place – you have to see I’m just an errand boy, a doormat – forgive me –