Ivanov (4 page)

Lebedev
(
laughs
)
That’s right, you tell them!

Sasha
No, listen, please – listen to me – if it’s too boring to dance or laugh or sing, I implore you for once in your life, just for the novelty, brace yourselves and just come straight out with something brilliant or witty – even something embarrassing or stupid, anything so long as it’s original and gets a laugh. Or if you could just perform some little action, it doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, just anything which passes for an achievement, so these ladies here just for once can say ‘Goodness me!’ You want them to like you, so why don’t you make an effort? You men! – you’re hopeless, you really are!

Shabelsky enters with Ivanov.

Shabelsky
Who’s making a speech? You, Shurochka? (
Laughs loudly and shakes her hand.
)
Happy birthday, my angel, may you live long and only the once.

Zinaida
(
joyfully
)
Nikolay Alekseevich! Your Excellency!

Lebedev
Who’s this I see? Count!

Shabelsky, catching sight of Zinaida and Babakina, stretches out his arms to them.

Shabelsky
What a lovely sight – two moneybags on one sofa!

They greet each other.

(
To Zinaida.
)
Zyuzyushka! (
To Babakina.
)
Good evening, my little pompom!

Zinaida
I’m
so happy to see you, Count, it’s been too long. Gavrila, more tea! Sit down, sit down.

She gets up, goes to the door and immediately returns, looking anxious.

    
Sasha sits down in her previous place. Meanwhile Ivanov greets everyone in silence.

Lebedev
(
to Shabelsky
)
Where did you blow in from? What brought you? I can’t believe you’re here. (
Kisses him.
)
Count, you’re a scoundrel. Normal people don’t behave like this. (
Leads him aside.
) Why don’t you come to see us? Are you angry with us or what?

Shabelsky
How am I
supposed to get over here? On a broomstick? I haven’t got my own horses, Nikolay won’t bring me with him, makes me keep Anna company so she doesn’t get lonely. Send your horses over for me and I’ll be there.

Lebedev
There’s the problem. It’s Zinaida, she’d sooner die. You mean everything to me, old chap, more than anyone. We’re the only ones left of the old crowd. ‘In my love for you are all my former griefs, my vanished youth.’ I’m serious, I could weep.

He embraces Shabelsky.

Shabelsky
Let go, that’ll do – you smell like a distillery.

Lebedev
Dear chap, you can’t imagine how bored I am without my old friends. I could hang myself. (
Quietly.
) All the decent folk have been driven away by Zyuzyushka and her money-lending – you can see there’s nobody left but these backwoods Boodkins and Doodkins . . . Well, anyway, have some tea.

Gavrila brings the Count some tea.

Zinaida
(
to Gavrila
)
Wake up, what a way to serve tea – fetch some jam, gooseberry or something –

Shabelsky
(
laughs loudly; to Ivanov
)
What did I tell you? (
To Lebedev.
)
I bet him on the road, that as soon as we arrived Zyuzyushka would break out the gooseberry jam.

Zinaida
Have your little joke, Count.

Lebedev
They don’t know what to do with it all, there’s about twenty barrels of the stuff.

Shabelsky
(
sitting near the table
)
Still coining it, Zyuzyushka? Made your first million?

Zinaida
(
with a sigh
)
It may look like that to you, but where do people think the money’s coming from? It’s just gossip . . .

Shabelsky
Oh yes, I’m sure! We know you’ve no talent for that little game! (
To Lebedev.
)
Pavel, be honest, have you got a million?

Lebedev
My God, how would I know? Ask Zyuzyushka.

Shabelsky
(
to Babakina
)
And our tubby little pompom here is on the way to her first million. So help me, she gets prettier and plumper by the day. That’s what comes with rolling in it.

Babakina
I’ll
thank you not to make fun of me, Your Excellency.

Shabelsky
You call that making fun of you, my little moneybags? I speak from the heart. My love for you and Zyuzyushka is boundless. (
Gaily.
)
Oh, the joy of it, the rapture! I can’t look at you without getting giddy!

Zinaida
And you haven’t changed a bit. Yegorushka, put the candles out, there’s no reason to have them lit if you’re not playing.

Yegorushka gives a start. He puts out the candles and sits down.

(
To Ivanov.
)
How is your wife, Nikolay Alekseevich?

Ivanov
Not well. The doctor told me today it’s definitely tuberculosis.

Zinaida
Did he? – What an awful shame. (
Sighs.
)
We’re all so fond of her, you know . . .

Shabelsky
Nonsense, nonsense! She hasn’t got TB – that doctor’s a quack. It’s just a ploy, so our Aesculapius can hang about the house. It’s a good job Ivanov’s not the jealous type.

Ivanov makes an impatient gesture.

I wouldn’t take
her
word on anything either. My rule in life is, never trust doctors, lawyers or women. It’s all nonsense – trickery and quackery.

Lebedev
You’re a strange specimen, Matvey! You put on this act of hating the world, and parade about like some half-wit with a new toy. You’re no different from anyone else till you open your mouth, and then it’s like you’re spitting out a nasty taste.

Shabelsky
What do you want me to do? – go about making love to these crooks and impostors?

Lebedev
What crooks and impostors? Where are they?

Shabelsky
I’m don’t mean present company, of course, but –

Lebedev
But nothing. It’s all put on.

Shabelsky
You say that because you’re lucky to have no sense of the sublime.

Lebedev
How can I have a sense of the sublime? All I do is sit here waiting to kick the bucket. There’s my sense of the sublime for you. For you and me, brother, it’s a bit late for a sense of the sublime. (
Shouts.
)
Gavrila!

Shabelsky
You’ve had enough ‘Gavrila’ – your nose looks as if it’s on fire.

Lebedev
(
drinks
)
What if it does? I’m not getting married today.

Zinaida
It’s ages since Doctor Lvov was here. He’s forgotten us.

Sasha
I can’t bear him. Uprightness in boots. He can’t ask for a glass of water without pushing his honesty in your face. A walking, talking advert for honesty, it’s stamped on his forehead, ‘Solid Honesty’. He’s a bore.

Shabelsky
He’s a prig and a bigot. (
Mimics.
)
’Make way for honest speech!’ Preaching non-stop like a parrot, and anyone who doesn’t preach along is a cad. The profundity of his thoughts is astounding. If a peasant has done well for himself and lives like a human being, that means he’s on the fiddle and a scrounger. If I wear a smoking jacket, and have a servant to help me dress, I’m a worthless exploiter. He’s got honesty coming out of his ears. I don’t know – you only have to look at him sideways and he’s quite liable to take hold of you and call you names because it’s his moral duty.

Ivanov
He’s tiresome, but still, I quite like him, he’s completely sincere.

Shabelsky
Oh, I’m sure he is! He came up to me last night and out of nowhere he said, ‘You know, Count, I find you deeply repugnant!’ Well, thank you very much. And it’s not simply personal, oh no, there’s bigotry there, his voice trembles, his eyes burn, his knees shake . . . To hell with his gimcrack sincerity. I may be repugnant to him, that’s fair enough, I don’t need telling, so why does he have to tell me to my face? So I’m worthless, fine, but when all’s said and done, grey hairs deserve respect. His honesty is as mindless as it’s merciless.

Lebedev
Oh, come on – you were young once . . .

Shabelsky
Yes, I
was a young hothead in my time – a second Chatsky outfacing the frauds and philistines – but I never called a thief a thief to his face, or mentioned rope in the house of a hanged man, I was properly brought up. But that boneheaded quack thinks he’ll have served his purpose in life if he could haul me up in public and, in the name of his humane and idealistic principles, put his boot in where it hurts.

Lebedev
I had an uncle, when he was a young man he was a Hegelian, and he’d invite people to his house and when he’d had a few drinks he’d get up on a chair, like this, and harangue them about being ignoramuses and forces of darkness – announcing the dawn of a new age and blahdy-blah . . .

Sasha
What did the guests do?

Lebedev
Ignored him, of course – carried on drinking. I challenged him to a duel once – my own uncle! We fell out about something or other in Francis Bacon. What happened was, I was sitting where Matvey is sitting, and uncle and the late Gerasim Nilych were standing there,
about where Nikolay is standing – well, Gerasim Nilych goes and asks a question . . .

Enter Borkin dressed in his best clothes, with a package in his hands, bouncing up and down and humming. There is a buzz of approval.

Ladies
Misha! Mikhail Mikhailovich!

Lebedev
Michel Michelich! – Listen to this . . .

Borkin
I’ve arrived!

Shabelsky
Now the fun starts!

Borkin
(
runs up to Sasha
)
Noble signorina, may I be so bold as to congratulate the universe on the birthday of its loveliest flower . . . and as proof of my esteem, present you - (
Hands her the package.
)
–
with these fireworks and sparklers of my own manufacture. May they light up the night as you brighten the gloom of this realm of darkness.

He makes a theatrical bow.

Sasha
Thank you.

Lebedev
(
laughs loudly; to Ivanov
)
Why don’t you send the rogue on his way?

Borkin
(
to Lebedev
)
Pavel Kirillich! (
To Ivanov.
)
And my guv’nor . . . (
Sings.
)
Nicolas –
voilà,
hi-de-ho! (
Goes round to everyone.
)
The most respected Zinaida Savishna . . . The divine Marfa Yegorovna . . . The ancient Avdotya Nazarovna . . . His exalted Excellency.

Shabelsky
(
laughs loudly
)
The life and soul . . . He walks in and the mood brightens. Notice that?

Borkin
Phew, I’m exhausted . . . I think that’s everyone. Well, what’s the latest, ladies and gents? Any news to set the ears waggling? (
To Zinaida, eagerly.
)
Something for you, Mama dear. When I was on my way here . . . (
To
Gavrila.
)
Get me a glass of tea, Gavryushka, only skip the gooseberry jam . . . (
To Zinaida.
)
Yes, on my way to you just now, there were some peasants by the river stripping the bark off your willows. You should have those willows farmed out to somebody.

Lebedev
(
to Ivanov
)
Throw the Judas out on his ear.

Zinaida
(
alarmed
)
He’s right! I never even thought of it.

Borkin does ‘physical jerks’.

Borkin
Must exercise, can’t get by without it. Mamasha, haven’t you got a new game we can play? I’m on top form, Marfa, I feel inspired.

Zinaida
Yes, organise something – we need you.

Borkin
Why’ve you all got your tails between your legs? You look like a jury, sitting there. Let’s have a think. What do you fancy? Forfeits? Skip-rope, dancing, fireworks?

Ladies
(
clapping their hands
)
Fireworks! Oh, yes – fireworks!

They start hurrying out into the garden.

Sasha
(
to Ivanov
)
Why do you look so unhappy?

Ivanov
My head aches, Sasha, and, besides, it’s all so boring.

Sasha
Come into the drawing room.

They go next door, while everyone follows Borkin into the garden except Zinaida and Lebedev.

Zinaida
That’s my kind of man – a young fellow who’s hardly here a minute and he’s cheered everyone up. (
Turns down the large lamp.
)
No point in burning oil for nothing while they’re in the garden.

Lebedev
Zyuzyushka, we must give our guests a bite to eat.

Zinaida
Look at all those candles . . . No wonder people think we’re rich.

She puts them out.

Lebedev
Zyuzyushka, for goodness sake, we must give these people some food . . . young people get hungry . . . Zyuzyushka . . .

Zinaida
(
leaving
)
The Count didn’t finish his tea. What a waste of sugar!

Lebedev
(
following her
)
Yes, dear, but . . .

Sasha comes in with Ivanov.

Sasha
They’re all in the garden.

Ivanov
So that’s how things are, Sasha. When I used to be working and thinking all the time, I never got tired. Now I don’t do anything and don’t think about anything, and I’m weary in body and soul. I’ve got a bad conscience awake and asleep, I feel everything’s my fault, but as to what’s my fault and why it’s my fault, I’ve no idea. And then there’s my wife’s illness, and money problems, the constant bickering and the rows and pointless conversation . . . and that fool Borkin . . . I’ve come to loathe being at home, it’s torture. I tell you frankly, Shurochka, even being in the same room as my wife, who loves me, it’s become unbearable. You won’t be angry with me for telling you. I came to see you to cheer myself up but I’m already longing to go home – Forgive me, I’m going to slip away.