Howl (15 page)

The weight of my decision was too much to
bear alone. I would have to tell Gavin. I had screwed up horribly
and now I would have to pay for it. My family had to come first and
I had let them down, even if they didn't know it yet. My heart
pounded in my chest as I sat, staring into the darkening forest. I
knew then that I was small and insignificant. I put my head in my
hands and rocked back and forth, taking deep breaths to calm the
sobs that were building in my chest. What have I done? I asked
myself over and over.

*

“Gavin, I have something to tell you.” My
voice was hoarse by the time I'd walked through the door.

Gavin immediately looked up from the stack of
bills laid out before him. “What is it?”

Tristan and Mom were seated with Gavin at the
dinning room table. I sat down across from Tristan and told my
story from the beginning. As the words spilled out I stared at my
hands. I couldn't even look them in the eyes as I confessed my
deceit. Fear and hurt hung in the air like a suffocating blanket,
taking any hope of life or forgiveness with it. I didn't need to
look up to know their reaction.

Gavin slammed his hand down on the table so
hard a chunk the size of a dinner plate split off. “You don't know
what you've done!”

“I'm sorry Gavin!” I cried out several times
amid his roaring. The yelling and breaking of our table caused
Lorelei and John to come out of their apartment. Kylin followed
immediately afterward.

“What did I miss?” Kylin asked.

“Sophie's human boyfriend knows what we are.”
Tristan explained with a tight, expressionless voice.

“I thought you broke up with him!” Lorelei
growled. “Did you put her up to this?” She turned to Tristan with a
death stare.

“You knew about this and didn't tell me?”
Gavin bellowed at her.

Lorelei stammered, clearly not wanting to be
blamed in anyway. “I heard about it but I.....I mean, I.....”

Gavin ran a hand over the back of his neck
and glared at her. “I don't want excuses. You should have told me.
I would never have allowed this.” He turned toward me again. “You,
Sophie, are forbidden from having any contact with this human
again.”

I curled my knees against my chest and
sobbed. It was an order and I would have to obey. “You had better
hope and pray that he doesn't go running his mouth to the people of
this town.” A frustrated growl erupted from Gavin's throat. “You
put us in an extremely dangerous position.”

“You need to call Thomas.” Lorelei spoke up.
“The human is someone he works with.”

Another growl erupted from Gavin. “Who?”

“Jaime somebody.” Lorelei handed him her
cell.

Gavin took the cell and walked outside.
Through wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve, I looked up at
Tristan. His jaw was tense but his eyes had weariness about them.
“I'm sorry.” I whispered.

Lorelei waved me off in disgust and left the
room. Tristan paid her no attention. “I know Fifi.” He whispered
back. “I'm sorry, too.”

*

I wasn't just forbidden to have contact with
Jaime. I was forbidden from the leaving the house. My bedroom
became my solitary confinement. My cell phone was taken from me.
Not like I could have used it anyway. No contact meant no text
messages, email, or anything. I was physically unable to contact
Jaime in any way because of Gavin’s command.

I became a virtual prisoner in my own home.
During the day I read and scrubbed every inch of bedroom from top
to bottom. At night, I laid awake staring out my window at the
waxing Beaver Moon. The wolf inside ached more than ever to be let
free. To run under the luminescent beauty of the moon, feel the
wind caress my fur without care or concern. It dawned on me that I
had been ignoring my inner animal for so long; denying my other
half to such an extent that now that Jaime was out of the picture
and I was holed up in my house, my wolfish nature was clawing to
get out. Sometimes I felt it so strongly as I sat by my window
watching the moon, that I felt like I might split apart.

Gavin had Daniel, Tristan, and Granddad
running perimeter reconnaissance every hour in case anyone came
onto our land. Beyond the bare minimal goings on in and around the
house, nobody spoke to me except Tristan. It was as if I were a
thin wisp of smoke that dissipated if anyone else came near. No one
acknowledged my presence if they could help it. Lorelei refused to
meet my eyes. Granddad had put Tristan on “Sophie duty” which meant
he was responsible for making sure I knew when meals were served.
Gavin’s muscles tensed and teeth flashed if I came within five feet
of him. Even Mom and Will quietly but quickly retreated from a room
if I entered. I had never seen this kind of animosity in my family
before. But I couldn’t not understand it. They were frightened and
with good reason. It was all my fault.

I wasn't told whether or not Thomas had
spoken with Jaime and what, if anything, might have been said. I
tried prying information out of Tristan but he was just as
uninformed as me. If there were any developments Gavin wasn't
telling anyone in our house. Or at least, not telling the one
person who would have told me. Being kept in the dark was as
depressing as it was frustrating. What if Jaime didn't want to hear
anything Thomas had to say? What if Jaime was already out there
telling the world about us? Would anyone believe him? If he tells
the right people, yes, they might.

I hoped and prayed beyond reason that he
wouldn't breathe a word of our existence but as I sat alone for
hours at a time, my certainty became less and less. I recalled the
story Lorelei told me about the mother and her children, hunted and
killed by their own father. Could my Jaime really become that kind
of monster? I wanted to believe only the best of Jaime but I
couldn't deny I had made a tremendous misstep in telling him the
truth. Instead of embracing me with open arms he pulled his gun on
me. Could he really have been capable of pulling the trigger, too?
What else was he capable of? What else, what if, what now?

Along with worrying myself half sick over
events that were now out of my control and knowledge, I beat myself
up constantly for ever causing these events in the first place. I
hated myself for being so weak. I was no better than a child,
impatient and selfish. I wanted and took with no real concern for
the consequences. How self-centered was I to allow myself to love
someone I could never have? I had a choice and I chose wrong. I
deserved whatever bad came my way but in the end my pack, my family
would pay the fine.

“I told you to tell.” Tristan sat down on the
couch next to me.

“But I made the decision to do it.” I didn't
look up from my book.

“You did what you thought was right. I can't
blame you for that.”

“Everyone else can and they do.”

“And you blame yourself.”

I stared for a moment at the words on my page
until they blurred. “If something happens to this family I’ll never
forgive myself.” I muttered.

“I still love you Fifi.”

“Don’t bother, Tristan. I’m not worth your
time.” I slammed my book shut and went back to my room.

*

“Something has happened.” Gavin gestured for
me to sit down next to him.

My heart sank into my shoes. “What is it?” I
croaked.

“A ranger went missing a few days ago. His
body was discovered yesterday afternoon in our hunting grounds. The
body was torn apart and the police are saying that preliminary
evidence points toward a wolf attack.” Gavin's eyes shifted quickly
between me and Thomas who was seated across from me.

“Who could have…?” I gasped.

Thomas shook his head. “We don’t know yet.
But it is more complicated that you know. Jaime is involved now and
not just because it was one of his rangers.”

“I don't understand....”

“Jaime received an anonymous call yesterday
morning that reported the body.” Thomas swallowed hard. “But the
caller wasn't just a concerned citizen. He knew about us and all
but told Jaime that the Matthews pack has been secretly hunting
hikers.”

“And now that the ranger's body has been
found, it's confirmed that there is,” Gavin paused a took a breath,
“a dangerous wolf roaming the National Forest, within our hunting
grounds, no less.”

“It can't be! We would never....”

Thomas interrupted. “I know that. And I think
Jaime knows that too but he won't talk to me. Not since our
confrontation.”

“What confrontation? What did you do?” I
bared my teeth and pushed my seat back, prepared to spring.

“Sit. Down.” Gavin ordered. I sat, seething
at being forced to take even one more order.

Thomas continued. “He wouldn't answer my
calls that first night after your... admission. So first thing the
next morning I drove to his apartment. He had apparently been
trying to call you just before I arrived. But I told him that you
were not permitted to ever see him again. He became angry and
insisted that he be allowed to speak to you but I refused. It
wasn't my call but it was still something I supported. So we had a
very heated argument. He has avoided me at work until just
yesterday when he received the call about the ranger.”

“What does this have to do with me?”

Gavin cocked his head disdainfully at me
before speaking very slowly. “Thomas and I have agreed that we may
need him on our side. So far, it seems that he hasn't shared our
secret with anyone and now that the police are involved with this
attack,”

“We need as many allies as we can get.”
Thomas interrupted. “And this investigation will be multipronged –
police, Wildlife Conservation, and I’m the only veterinarian in
Kane. Combine all this with the rumors hunters have been spreading
about wolf-men in the area, well, this could get ugly fast.”

“But he wants to talk to you first. That's
the deal we struck for his…cooperation.” Gavin handed me my cell
phone, fully charged. “He's waiting to hear from you.”

~Too much to ask
for~

“Thank you for meeting me.” Jaime said he
leaned against his vehicle.

I nodded.

I kicked a few pebbles around with the toe of
my hiking boot wondering if I should say something or if it would
be better to let him lead the conversation.

“Let’s sit in the Jeep. It’s pretty chilly
out here.” Jaime turned and opened his door. I walked around to the
passenger’s side and got in. Jaime turned the engine back on and
cranked up the heat. I hadn’t really noticed how chilly it was
outside until I was in the warm and familiar Jeep. Without meaning
to, I took in the feel of the cloth seats, the scent of Jaime in
the air, how the floor boards beneath my feet were stained with
mud. It was as if I knew this would be the last time I would ever
sit in this spot, so close to him that I could reach out and touch
his warm, rough hands. I took in the scene, drinking in every sense
so deeply that I was sure to remember every detail even weeks from
now. My stomach turned over as this thought hit me like a brick
wall toppling down on me, fast and unforgiving. Real bricks would
probably have been easier to deal with than Jaime’s discarding of
me. I blinked back a few tears that were threatening to reveal my
sadness.

“I thought werewolves were myths, legends.
Not real.” Jaime abruptly turned to face me.

The words caught me off guard. To hear him
acknowledge what he saw and use the word werewolf sent a jolt of
electricity through me. It took me a moment to regain my composure.
I had to think of the right wording for my response. I took a long,
deep breath before speaking.

“A lot of legends have basis in fact that has
been warped with time.”

“It’s not medically possible. You can’t just
change your whole physical being.”

He said it like he was trying to convince
himself of this fact more than me.

“Jaime, you live in a world of technology
where everything is computed and taken as stone-cold fact. But not
everything can be measured and explained away with science. Some
things just are.” I paused giving him time to think this over
before I asked “Do you believe in ghosts?”

“What?” Jaime shot me an incredulous look. “I
don’t know. I mean, sure, I guess.” He put a hand to his face and
wiped away some sweat. It wasn’t that hot in the Jeep. Jaime was
really struggling with this. My mind raced trying to think of what
to say. I had to try to make this as smooth as possible for him
while trying to stay calm myself. It was even harder than I had
imagined. I had to work to keep my breathing even so I didn’t
hyperventilate.

“Ghosts are a perfect example of how the
human world is limited by its own knowledge. Your kind doesn’t
believe in them because you can’t calculate the human spirit. But
the spirit is just another form of energy that you haven’t been
able to quantify yet. It exists in my world because we don’t
believe in only what we can measure; we accept what is and can
be.”

Jaime was silent for another minute or so. I
sat patiently though I was terrified at what that silence may mean.
My eyes shifted to the console between us. I focused on the CDs
Jaime kept in its grooves, doing my best to distract myself from my
terror. Finally Jaime broke the silence. “You have to understand
that this has me questioning my sanity.”

“I know.” I was saddened at the thought of
Jaime doubting himself but at least he was just questioning his
sanity instead of fully doubting it.

“Thomas said that you were never allowed to
see me again.”

I nodded.

“This whole time, you have been telling me
about your family's rules. It's not your age. They don't want you
dating a human?”

“It goes against our law. It's dangerous to
be with a human. Especially for me.”

“How so?”