Howl (14 page)

“He hit on me – once. But I didn’t think….
“

“You’re not thinking Sophie! That’s the
problem! You’ve let yourself be blinded to everything around you.
You’re not paying attention to anything anymore. You’re too focused
on this human! While you’re off screwing around, everyone here is
pitting you with Daniel.”

“They wouldn’t make me…”

“You don’t think so? Just wait until they
find out about Jaime and see how sure you are then! Gavin will do
anything to protect this family, including giving you to Daniel, by
force if necessary.”

“Daniel can’t be trusted, I’m sure of it.” My
throat constricted as the words spilled out.

“Everyone else in this family trusts him
explicitly; Gavin especially. They’ve buddied up so cozily that I’m
certain Gavin would give you away tomorrow if Daniel asked.”

“But Daniel hasn’t asked, has he?”

“No, I’m sure you would know if he had. But
that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Especially now that he knows
you’ve been hiding a human lover. Daniel was near violent with
jealousy when we talked on the ride home. He sees you as his even
though it hasn’t been formally stated.” Tristan took another deep
breath and held me closer, speaking low and hurried. “The Daniel I
saw tonight after he discovered your human lover was...unnerving.
It actually scared me, Sophie. And if you’re forced to be mated
with him I fear that he would…I don't know...in retribution for
your....” His voice trailed off as he squeezed his eyes shut. “I
can’t even think about. You’re my sister, my better half, and my
best friend.”

“So you don’t trust him either?” I
whispered.

“No,” Tristan let go of me. “No, I don’t. But
I don’t have any real reason not to, other than the guy I saw in
him tonight, which I can't tell anyone about because that would
mean telling on you. So it’s just a gut feeling. No one here will
listen to my gut, especially when Daniel has made himself into such
a natural and valuable member of the pack.”

I folded my arms across my chest and
squeezed. I couldn’t image it coming to this. We’re a family. They
would never force me into a mating – would they? To keep me from
Jaime – to keep our secret… Oh my god… They would give me away? I
couldn’t break free if Gavin ordered it… Daniel and I - a mated
pair… The room spun as the reality sunk in.

“I can’t think of a way to resolve this
mess.” Tristan strode over to my door. “But I care about you too
much to see you compelled into a paring with someone who neither of
us trust. So quit your childish games. Grow up and decide what you
want and whether or not you’re willing to fight for it.” The door
slammed behind him.

~Confessions~

“I can do this. I will do this.” I spoke the
words aloud as I pulled up at the research center around
five-thirty; just about the time Jaime would be getting ready to
leave. Tristan’s words had quite an effect on me. There was no more
hiding under the covers willing reality away, not when my future
was going to be shaped against my will. I spent the last two weeks
convincing myself that if I believed enough in our love, Jaime
would be able to take the declaration of my true self in stride.
Everything works out in the end, right?

I walked past the elevators to the stairwell
and walked down one level to the basement where Jaime’s office was
located. I assumed he would still be there putting away whatever
paperwork he had been working on during the day, since his lab was
empty.

“Hey Sophie.” Jaime smiled warily at me as I
walked in.

I stopped in my tracks when I saw him.
Nothing was out of the ordinary; he was wearing his dark green
ranger coat over his uniform of the same color. His mousy brown
hair was still just a little messy and his bright blue eyes shined
as they looked at me. He was absolutely handsome. But there was
something in the air, a tenseness that I felt instantly. It
occurred to me that this might be a really bad time to tell Jaime
what I wanted to say. My resolve was only so strong and I had to
talk myself into even coming here. If there was any chance this
wouldn't be a good time, I wasn’t sure I would be able to convince
myself to come back.

I sniffed the air for some sign of what could
be bothering Jaime – a diseased deer? No. An imbalance of algae in
the streams that he was testing? No, nothing. I listened to Jaime’s
heartbeat. It was definitely pounding harder than normal. He was
angry and stressed about something. There was no one else in the
lab with him. I sniffed the air again. Jaime’s assistant Bob been
here earlier in the day but his scent was at least four hours old.
No one had been here in quite a while.

Jaime noticed that I stopped walking toward
him. “Are you okay?” He asked me, his tone trying to sound light.
His heartbeat changed, too. It sped up a little though it still
pounded harder in his chest.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I just…” I stammered. “I
thought something was bothering you and I wondered if I should come
back tomorrow.” I said quickly.

“You’re very perceptive, you know that?” He
dragged a hand over his face in frustration and something else
which I didn’t quite understand. “The thing is one of my rangers
didn’t come back after rounds earlier today. After being gone for
several hours, we sent a group out to his route, thinking maybe
we’d run into him along the way. But no – we haven’t heard from him
or found any trace of him except his vehicle which was abandoned.
The police won’t let me file a missing person report until it’s
been at least twenty-four hours. I had just hung up with the chief
of police when you got here.” He grabbed his stack of paperwork and
keys. “Do you want to go somewhere? I just want to hang with you
tonight. Just some relaxing time with my beautiful woman.” I
purposely ignored the word relaxing

“That’s why I’m here.” I stepped back and let
him lead the way out of the door. To spend a relaxing evening with
you. I thought to myself with an edge of bitterness that chipped
away at my determination a little more. We took the stairs back up
to the main level and said good night to the guards. As they
responded, I thought how boring it must be to have to work
overnight. At least they get to talk to each other. I thought to
myself. It made me very grateful that Gavin didn’t have me working
on third shift.

We walked out to our vehicles and Jaime put
his paperwork in his briefcase which was on the floor behind his
seat. “Do you think we could take a walk? That’s why I stopped by,
actually. We’re running out of decent evenings so I thought it
would be great to be outside tonight.” Jaime shut his door and
turned to me.

“Let’s go.” Jaime grabbed my hand and nodded
toward the closest path behind the research station. His hand was
rough but so warm as we walked.

I was here for a reason and I had to harden
myself to accomplish what needed to be done. The way Jaime made me
feel only encouraged me. So I took a deep breath and stopped
walking when we had gone far enough into the woods that no one
would see or hear us. I listened very hard and took in the scent of
the woods one more time to ensure that we were the only people
around. Jaime stopped with me and gave me an odd look. “What’s
wrong?” He asked.

“I have something really important to tell
you. This is very difficult to say so I need you to not speak until
I’m done.” I put my hand up to stop him because he was about to say
something. I feared that if he stopped me I might not be able to
finish. With Jaime standing there in front of me dumbfounded, I
quickly started getting undressed. Jaime took a step back and
looked around the woods, nervous that someone was going to see his
weirdo girlfriend stripping. As I stood there shivering a little
from the chill I looked Jaime in the eyes. “Please, I’m not going
to do anything. I just need you to see. Just don’t run, okay?”
Jaime actually looked a little scared at my question.

I immediately shifted right in front of him,
landing on all fours. I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes
though, as my transformation finished. I could hear his heart skip
a beat and then pound desperately loud in his chest. His breath
caught and there was the distinct sound of his hand gun being
unholstered.

Click. My stomach seized and terror griped me
as Jaime cocked the hammer of his gun. I was still human enough to
know what the bullet inside Jaime’s gun would do to me. No, no,
no.... A whimper escaped my throat.

I didn’t dare move my eyes even an inch off
the ground. You never stare down an enemy, animal or human unless
you are purposely showing your superiority or goading them into
attack. I lowered my ears and carefully showed my subordination.
Jaime studied enough animals to understand my action. At least that
was the lifeline I clung to because my life really did depend on
it.

Another click. This one was slower and
deliberate. He’s uncocked the hammer. I peeked up. Jaime’s gun hung
at his side, his finger off the trigger.

I shifted back then. As the heat of shifting
left my skin, I reached for my clothes, tears now pooling at the
corners of each eye. Petrified to look at his face, I just dressed
as quickly as my trembling hands and useless fingers would allow. I
seemed to be fumbling with my clothes more than actually getting
anywhere.

Several minutes passed between us with
neither saying a word. After I managed to pull my wool coat over my
shoulders, I sat down on a small boulder along the edge of the
path. I put my head in my hands and I waited. My tears spilled over
onto my knees, soaking little puddles of heat and salt onto my
jeans. It took several more minutes for Jaime’s heartbeat to return
to a more normal speed. His breathing also slowed and deepened.

“What the fuck was that?!”

I looked at Jaime for the first time and
studied his face. He was staring at the spot where I had
transformed. “The world you live in is about to change. I know this
must seem impossible to comprehend but I had to tell you. I don’t
want secrets between us. I lo…” I stopped then. I just couldn’t get
those three words out, not yet when he was still in shock.

Jaime didn’t blink for what must have been
several more minutes. His brilliant blue eyes were piercing in
their determination to take in what he had just seen. I wanted to
speak but I guessed it would be best to let him work through this
without more from me. My hands were still shaking a little as I sat
and waited for Jaime to say something.

“Was it you?”

“What?”

“Last March. Just before the blizzard. That
was you I saw, wasn’t it? You have a patch of black on your left
hind leg.” He rubbed his jaw, tense and less than steady though his
words were definite.

“Yes, that was me.” I said.

“How many are there?” His voice quivered with
fright.

“There’s only me.”

“Don’t lie to me! I know there’s more that
just you. I’ve found tracks at different points in the forest and
they don’t all belong to the same animal.”

“Maybe you’re mistaken?”

“Mistaken? Ever since I saw you,” He gulped
at the word “last spring I’ve been studying any unusual tracks I
came across, taking notes and comparing. Until now, I thought it
was just a new breed of wolf. Apparently I’m…” Jaime grimaced as
his thought trailed off. “And some of the rangers have been
whispering of sightings around the area.”

“What?’ I breathed. There’s no way that was
us.

“Rumors have been going around town in the
last few months but I never believed them until….”

Thomas had never told us any of this. Did he
even know? Have we been teetering on the verge of disaster all this
time and not know it? Was Jaime just the beginning?

“I need to know how many more are out there.”
A hint of calm returned to Jaime's voice.

“There are a few packs within a 100 mile
radius. I’m not sure of the numbers.” I murmured. I really didn’t
know.

“A few packs?” Jaime gasped as he took this
in. My eyes bounced between his face and the gun in his hand, each
merciless and inescapable. “All those stories....And you're one of
them.”

“We’re not dangerous, Jaime! You know me –
you know I would never hurt you or anyone else! The stories you
heard are just that: exaggerated stories. Made up!” I threw my
hands up in surrender.

“And Thomas? He's like you, too? Is your
family one of the packs?”

I wanted to answer, to say something but the
words never came. My mouth just hung open stupidly as he studied
it.

“Right.” There was a hideous silence between
us as Jaime worked through the monstrosity that was his girlfriend
and I ached for something to say. “I have to go.” Jaime turned and
started walking back toward his jeep without a word more.

“Jaime please! You can’t tell anyone!” I
wanted to run after him, to make him understand but how? Tears
spilled down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away. My
breaths came fast and heavy as I listed to the crunching of leaves
beneath Jaime’s feet as he walked away. Within a few minutes, I
heard Jaime’s engine start. He’s not coming back. The tiny sparkle
of hope I had that he would turn around died with the sound of his
tires squealing on the pavement; his apparently desperate attempt
to leave the research center, the woods, and me behind as quickly
as possible.

For the first time in my life, I had no idea
how to exist. My head spun as fast as the thoughts came and went.
For some time I didn’t know which was up or where I was. I was
neither fully wolf nor fully human. I wanted to shift to escape
this painful pummeling of emotions but I knew that it wasn’t going
to make this better. There was no escaping my actions or the
repercussions. Right then, I realized how much being human allowed
me. The giving of myself to another even if it cost me everything
was the true essence of my humanity.