Heart Two Heart (13 page)

Waylon however has a completely different
take. He thinks we need to bargain with the Vaettir and come to
different terms. He suggests we allow her to keep my body and
promise to never pursue or try to kill her in exchange for a copy
of the spell. He believes if we have the spell he can replicate it
and place me in a new human body. Basically they would find someone
that just died and whose essence has already been released, then
through magic and medicine they would revive it so I could have the
body.

Waylon believes his approach is the best
possible solutions. He has even listed out multiple reasons why it
has more value than recovering my own body. He cites the
skinwalkers’ reaction to hunting me even as a favor to Pau as the
case in point. Even when they know that I am sorry for my past
actions and intend to make up for my past they still tried to kill
first. The skinwalkers will never believe my intentions are
anything but adversarial. The years my body have left are marked. I
have caused too many problems for the skinwalker tribes to forgive
and forget. He believes a new body could be a new start for me and
my eternal heart Ulric.

I think he just might be right but I don’t
want to die. Any human will only have eighty years at best. Even
with Ulric feeding me his nagual blood I will eventually grow old
and die. No matter how long I have it will still feel too short.
When I press Waylon about the human body he always answers in a
voice that clearly has hidden sorrow laced deeply within it

“It is better to have loved and lost than to
have never loved at all. Trust me Taini; you will want to know
Ulric’s love even if it is only for a few years.”

I think to some degree Waylon might just be
right. As much as I would love to have forever I think my choices
are probably just a few years with Ulric or no years. I looked over
at Gaho and was surprised to see her sobbing. Her eye makeup made
large black smudges and I could tell that she was in high distress.
I watched as Waylon and Pau ran to her side. I watched them all
begin conversing adamantly before I watched Waylon begin to cry as
well.

I couldn’t hear anything they were saying and
was starting to panic on what they could have learned. I knew it
had to be about me since they kept glancing in the direction of the
statue. Finally after what felt like hours they slowly started
making their way back towards me. The moment I knew Gaho could hear
me I immediately demanded

“What is it? What happened? Did she manage to
get my body killed?

I watched as Gaho began to cry in earnest all
over again before finally saying in so quietly I could only pray I
misheard

“He’s already commingled his essence with his
skinwalker fox Seraphina.” Her sobbing got louder and between large
breaths she continued her voice filled with sorrow and regret

“He won’t come to see you Taini, not even to
say goodbye. He told me he intends to hunt Amada, but only to
destroy her. He thinks we should help you to move onto the next
life.”

I knew my words fell on deaf ears. Nothing I
said to Gaho made her change her mind. I'd begged her for days to
have Waylon perform the spell that would set my heart free and
allow me to leave this earth. Gaho refused to agree with me and
worse she lied when Waylon and Pau asked what I desired.

She told them I wanted a fresh start and a
new body. She said I wanted to move forward with Waylon's plan.
That if we could get our hands on a spell that I wanted a chance to
start over in a new body. That's why I was in the cargo bed of an
airplane on my way to Arizona.

It turns out Ulric's rejection wasn't the
only thing Gaho learned on the phone. Apparently Seraphina, Ulric's
skinwalker eternal heart was severely injured and Waylon decided he
needed to personally attend her. From what I overheard Waylon was
the best shaman in the world. He regularly performed miracles.

I listened raptly while Pau heralded the
skills of his partner. Apparently he used both science and magic to
heal his patience. I didn't hear the details of what was wrong with
Seraphina but based on Waylon's reaction I’d to assume the damages
were severe. I wasn't usually a petty person but after being
rejected for a third time part of me hoped she was suffering as
much as I was.

I was told that I would be off loaded and
sent to Gaho's private residence in Arizona. That I would stay with
Gaho while Waylon helped Seraphina and Pau looked for the spell. If
I had lips and lungs I would have made a dramatic sigh showing my
displeasure at their plan.

I heard the cargo door close and was
intermediately dropped into pure darkness. I can't recall anything
ever being so dark. I'm not sure why but without my physical eyes I
couldn't see the way I did as a chupacabra. It was like I was
already seeing through the eyes of a human again.

I sat in the dark desperately trying not to
think of how weak I would be as a human. I prayed they never found
the spell and they were forced to let me go. I couldn't go back to
being so vulnerable. Even with all my power I couldn’t fight the
Nazi’s. I'd been hurt and abused as a chupacabra but even the
terror the Nazi’s put me through was nothing compared to the horror
I knew the human Jews endured. With any luck Pau would fail in his
mission and they would be forced to let me go.

I was leaving home and I wasn't sure if I was
ever really going to come back. I loved and hated Seraphina at the
same time. I was so confused every time I looked at Seraphina.
Seeing her empty eye socket and missing leg reminded me of the pain
she endured for my life. I owed her so more than what I was capable
of giving her. I should be bathing her in love and attention yet I
found it hard to be in the same room with her for more than a few
minutes.

Each time she looked up at me with the pain
and sorrow so clearly written on her face I felt the guilt twist in
my stomach like a knife. I often allowed myself to shift into my
coyote and lie at her feet. Unlike me, my coyote and other animals
were perfectly content to be in her company. In fact every time I
forced them to leave the room they would whine and cry and drive me
nuts.

I hated that she was my eternal heart and
that I'd never really believed her. I hated that my heart was
repulsed by her love while my animals reveled in it. I hated that I
seemed to be two different people with two different hearts stuck
in the same body. Pau said that was actually a possibility. Pau
claims it was bad magic that was done hundreds of thousands of
years ago that tore all our hearts in half. He claims that both my
skinwalker and my chupacabra may have different hearts. He believes
one heart lives within Seraphina while the other half of that heart
resides inside of Taini and was born the moment I drank blood for
the first time and her skinwalker.

For that reason, he has been nagging at me
since the moment he came here to change my mind about seeing Taini.
He thinks that I will torture myself for all eternity if I don't
make things right with Seraphina and Taini. I won't let him see it
but I already know the truth of his words. The heart that resides
in with Taini punishes me daily for refusing to see her. In some
ways it's like she is haunting me. I can feel her presence and
every now and then I actually think I can reach out and touch
it.

I have begged both my Pau and Gaho to help
Taini to find peace and to leave me out of it. I keep lying to them
and saying that I don't want her and never did. Now that I am
married to Seraphina my heart is satisfied and can't feel anything
for Taini. The reason I force myself to keep lying is because I
want it to be the truth. I want to feel whole and believe that I
can love Seraphina but I don't. My animals loves her and want
nothing but to be in her presence, but I secretly am scared to
death that I hate her and everything she represents.

I know, I already hate the child that grows
within her womb. I am ashamed that I do, but I can't help myself.
It was conceived in violence, deceit and anger. It is not my child
and I'm not sure I will ever be able to feel anything but disgust
when I see it. I cringe every time Seraphina asks me to touch her
stomach and feel the child kick. I've have to swallow back vomit on
more than one occasion. I have a hard time pretending to care. Not
once since I brought Seraphina home have I called her my eternal
heart or the child anything but hers.

My pop already figured it out. He approached
me just last night and flat out asked me what was wrong between
Seraphina and me. I lied to him too. I said it was the guilt of
seeing her deformed body and knowing what the men did to her. I
claimed I was full of anger and vengeance and wanted to seek
retribution on her behalf. I also told him how the child just
served to remind me on a daily basis of how I failed to protect
her. That my animals were angry on a daily basis that her belly was
filled with a baby that was not our own.

He claimed to understand but looked at me
with a kind of shame and pain in his eyes. I knew my pop wasn't my
sperm donor and probably felt I diminished his love for me. That
however didn't stop him from hugging me in a sign of love and
comfort. The moment we pulled from the embrace he questioned me on
why I prefer to have my animals in command more often than not.

I again lied this time I placed the blame on
them. I said my animals needed to be near her in order to be calm.
That they were constantly worried that someone or something else
would hurt her. I didn't have the heart to tell him that being in
Seraphina's presence repulsed me. I could see the worry on his face
and I was shocked when he offered me his advice.

"Son, you need to do what you need to do. Why
not use this time while Waylon is here trying to heal her to hunt
down those who harmed her. Get justice boy and then you can be at
peace and find happiness with Seraphina and child.

We have several leads on NOFS members that
captured and tortured. We have also identified all twenty two men
that were in the bar and participated in brutalizing Seraphina. If
it were me I would hunt down each and every one of them and remove
their family jewels. Death is too kind for them. Seraphina lives
with what they did to her they should have to also."

My animals couldn't agree more with my pop.
They heard his words and immediately begged me to start the hunt.
They loved the idea of finding and maiming her attackers in ways
that would cause them pain for the remainder of their lives. They
all but bounced out of my skin with joy at retribution. They felt
it would be a great honor to seek revenge on Seraphina's
behalf.

The idea of leaving home and not coming back
until I found and destroyed the lives of all twenty two men was
enough to convince me as well. I threw the last pair of jeans into
my duffel bag and left the house. I felt tremendous relief the
moment I was away from her. I never even took the time to say
goodbye.

I knew that Ulric was having a hard time
being around me. He was foolish to think that his animals and my
fox didn’t communicate. They had ways that went beyond words. Our
animals shared everything. My fox didn’t keep the hard cold facts
from me. I knew Ulric had a hard time looking at my damaged dirty
body and I couldn’t blame him. No man in his right mind would ever
want to touch me after what has happened to me. I am impure and
filthy and I understand his disgust.

I also know that he absolutely hates the vial
foul thing now growing without my consent within my womb. I knew he
didn’t want to have to pretend to be the pop of a monster. He
wanted his own flesh and blood babies and this thing inside of me
wasn’t his. I totally agree with him. I wish I’d been successful
when I tried to rid myself of it the first couple of times. I
didn’t want the child of one of those men. I was sure it would be a
monster like them.

I tried to be a good woman and I know I
brought Satan down on myself. It was my own foolishness that caused
the issue in the first place. But haven’t I paid for my sins.
Wasn’t just the way the used and abused me enough. Must I pay more?
Why would god make me responsible for bringing such a vile and
nasty creature into the world? I was constantly searching and
trying to find ways to end its life.

My fox and Ulric’s coyote had a lot of
conversation about how to rid ourselves of the unwanted creature.
Ever since Ulric brought me home I was treated like a broken doll.
I was watched day and night. I couldn’t so much as breathe loud
without someone running in and checking on me. With this many
people around I didn’t think I would get another chance to try and
self-abort.

I took another deep breath and forced myself
to look at Kealoha and Waylon. They were sitting with me yet again
talking about different medical approaches Waylon would like to
take. He cited his success with Kealoha as a reason to consider
chupacabra blood. He felt it was my best chance at growing both my
eye and my leg back. I smiled politely again and declined.

There was no way I was going to take a chance
that the procedure would turn the foul disgusting beast inside of
me into a nagual thereby making it an invincible killer. Nothing
they could say or do will change my mind. I know if I am
responsible for creating something we can’t kill, Ulric will never
come back to me. The only way we will ever have the happiness we
deserve is when the child dies. Someday, somehow I know I will find
a way to kill it and gain Ulric’s respect back.

I was probably the only person other than
Ulric that knew the real truth. His Coyote told me everything.
Ulric was leaving to find the men who hurt me. He planned on
finding and torturing every single one of them. His jaguar and crow
told me that when they were done with the men they too would be
trapped in a bed going to the bathroom through a tube. They bring
me back my honor. With the men punished or dead my life force
essence would be cleansed.