Have a New Kid by Friday (2 page)

Then there’s what I call “Fun Day.” It’s my favorite day of all. After launching your plan, you get to sit back and watch the fun . . . and the confusion on your child’s face. It’s a parent’s best entertainment.

If you don’t give up, I guarantee you’re going to hit payday. I know. I’ve seen those benefits in my relationship with my own children, who span the ages of 15 to 35. Sande and I are proud of them. They’ve all done well in school and life in general. Unlike me, they haven’t been to traffic court and driving school. The interesting and wonderful thing is that they really love each other. They all make tremendous sacrifices to be together. And check this out: they love and respect Sande and me. They even like hanging out with us. Even our 15-year-old daughter’s friends acknowledged to her the other day that her parents were “cool.”

In
Have a New Kid by Friday
, I’ve taken nearly 4 decades of marriage and parenting experience—including my clinical experience as a psychologist, my personal experience as a father of 5, and the many stories I’ve heard as I’ve traveled around the country, bringing wit and wisdom to family relationships—and combined it all into one little book. I’ve done this because I care about
your family
. I want to see you have the kind of satisfying relationships in your family that I see in my own. I want you to experience a home where all family members love and respect each other.

Your children deserve that.

You deserve that.

And nothing would make me happier than to see it come to pass.

Monday

Where Did They All Come From?

Why do your kids do what they do . . . and continue to do it? Your response has a lot to do with it.

Four-year-old Matthew was in a bad mood. His mom could tell that as soon as she picked him up from preschool. All he wanted to do was argue with her. Then he delivered the vehement kicker from the backseat as they drove home: “I hate you!”

If you were his parent, how would you respond?

You could:

1. Let the kid have it with a tongue-lashing of your own.

2. Ignore the kid and pretend he doesn’t exist.

3. Try something new and revolutionary that would nip this kind of behavior in the bud . . . for good.

Which option would you prefer?

If you responded with a tongue-lashing of your own, both of you would leave that car feeling ugly and out of sorts. And what would be solved in the long run? You’d feel terrible the rest of the day. Your son would go to his room and sulk. One or both of you would eventually end up apologizing (probably you first, since your parental guilt would reign; then, because you would feel bad for losing your temper, you’d probably end up liberally dosing the child with treats).

If you ignored the kid and pretended he didn’t exist, it might work for a while—until he needed something from you. With a 4-year-old, that lasts about 4.9 seconds since there are so many things he can’t reach in the house (like the milk in the refrigerator on the top shelf). The problem is, if you don’t address the behavior, you’ll spend the rest of your day steaming under the surface . . . and kicking the dog.

This mom decided to go out on a limb and do something revolutionary. She was very nervous; she wondered if it would really work. She’d read all the discipline books and tried so many methods. None of the other techniques had worked. And Matthew was . . . well, getting to be a brat. She couldn’t believe she was actually thinking that about her own child, but it was true.

But today things were changing, she determined. She was going to give this new method her best effort. She had to do something. Matthew was driving her crazy. Just last week he’d thrown a temper tantrum in the mall; he’d bitten the neighbor girl when she wouldn’t give him a toy of hers that he wanted; and the preschool had told her she needed to do something about Matthew’s aggressive behavior toward his classmates.

Once she and Matthew got in the house, she didn’t say a word. She went about her business, putting away the shopping bags from the car. After a few minutes, Matthew wandered into the kitchen. Usually chocolate chip cookies and milk awaited him there. It was his routine after-preschool snack.

“Mommy, where are my cookies and milk?” he asked, looking at the usual place on the kitchen counter.

“We’re not having cookies and milk today,” she said matter-of-factly. Then she turned her back on the child she’d pushed 11½ hours for and walked into another room.

Did Matthew say to himself,
Well, I guess I’ll have to do without
that today
? No, because children are creatures of habit. So what did Matthew do? He followed his mother to the next room.

“Mommy, I don’t understand. We always have cookies and milk after preschool.”

Mom looked him in the eye and said, “Mommy doesn’t feel like getting you cookies and milk today.” She turned and walked into another room.

By now, Matthew was like an NFL quarterback on Sunday afternoon—scrambling to get to the goal. He followed his mom into the next room. “But, Mommy, this has never happened before.” There was panic in his voice. He was starting to tremble. “I don’t understand.”

Mom now knew that Matthew was ready to hear what she had to say. It was the teachable moment: the moment when reality enters the picture and makes an impact on the child’s mind and heart. It’s the time when a parent has to give her child the straight skinny.

“We are not having milk and cookies today because Mommy doesn’t like the way you talked to me in the car.” Again, Mom turned to walk away.

But before she took three steps, Matthew had a giant meltdown. He ran toward his mother and grabbed her leg (after all, he is part of the ankle-biter battalion). He was crying profusely. “I’m sorry, Mommy! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Time for another wonderful opportunity. The mom accepted Matthew’s apology, gave him a hug, and reminded him that she loved him. She also told him how she felt when he talked to her like that. Three minutes later, things were patched up, and she let Matthew out of her embrace. She began again to go about her work.

What did she hear next from Matthew? “Mommy, can I have my milk and cookies now?”

It was the moment she feared. She steeled her courage and said calmly, “Honey, I told you no. We are not going to have milk and cookies today.”

Matthew was stunned. He opened his mouth to argue, then walked away sadly.

Let me ask you: will that little boy think next time before he disses his mother?

Why Little Buford Misbehaves . . .

and Gets Away with It

Why is it these days that so many children tend to diss their parents, to act disrespectfully? Why are so many parents caught in the roles of threatening and cajoling and never getting anywhere? What’s going on here?

Kids do what they do because they’ve gotten away with it!

It all comes down to who is really in charge of your family. Is it you or your child? Today’s parents often don’t act like parents. They are so concerned about being their child’s friend, about not wounding their child’s psyche, about making sure their child is happy and successful, that they fail in their most important role: to be a parent. They snowplow their child’s road in life, smoothing all the bumps so the child never has to be uncomfortable or go out of her way. Why should she? She’s used to having things done for her. Mom and Dad have become mere servants, doing the whims of the children, rather than parents, who have the child’s long-term best in mind.

Parents today are also great excuse makers, and they tend to put themselves in blame positions—“I couldn’t get her homework done because I had a business dinner”—rather than calling a spade a spade: “My daughter didn’t get her homework done because she was too lazy to do it.” They spend more time warning and reminding than they do training.

As a result, today’s kids are growing more and more powerful. They’re all about “me, me, me” and “gimme.” They are held accountable less and less and have fewer responsibilities in the family. To them, family is about not what you can give but what you can get. Fewer children today consider others before themselves because they’ve never been taught to think that way.

Every child is a smart little sucker, and he has a predictable strategy. In the daily trial-and-error game designed to get the best of you, he’s motivated to win because then you’ll do anything he says. That means if he tries something, and it works, he’ll try it again. But he’ll ramp up the efforts a little. Instead of simply crying when he doesn’t get his treat, he’ll add a little kicking too. If slamming the door causes you to go trotting after your teenage daughter to hand over the car keys like she wanted, she’ll be more dramatic the next time she wants them. Children are masters at manipulation. Don’t think they’re not manipulating you.

That’s why your child’s behavior has everything to do with you. If you allow your child to win, your child’s smart enough to try the behavior again next time.
Have a New Kid by Friday
is designed to give you a whole arsenal of tools to use without shooting your kid down. But it’ll also accomplish something else if you follow the principles: it’ll help you be the kind of parent you want to be so you can have the kind of child you want.

So give this book a chance. Think about where you’d like to be. I can help you get there.

Attention, Please

Did you know that everything your child does is for a reason? This is called in psychologist speak, thanks to Dr. Alfred Adler, the “purposive nature of the behavior.” When your child misbehaves, he’s doing it
to get your attention.
All children are attention getters. If your child can’t get your attention in positive ways, he’ll go after your attention in negative ways. That’s because a child’s private logic (the inner dialogue that tells him who and what he is and will inform his entire life) is being formed
right now.
And children naturally think,
I only count when people notice me or when other people are
serving me. I only count when I dominate, control, and win.

Here’s the good news: what children learn, they can unlearn. Author Anne Ortlund has said, “Children are like wet cement—moldable and impressionable,”
¹
and she couldn’t be more right. Children are malleable—up to a point. But as they grow, their “cement” hardens. That’s why the earlier you can start addressing your child’s Attitude, Behavior, and Character, the better. (More on this in the “Tuesday” chapter.)

The problem with training is that it

takes time, and parents today don’t have time and don’t make time. Some kids spend most of their days in what I call “kiddy kennels” (day care), then they spend their late afternoon and evening time in multiple programs: gymnastics, choir, baseball, etc.

When I used to teach at the University of Arizona, I worked with classes of 300 students—including graduate students, medical doctors, and nurses—in an auditorium. I’d bring in families and problem solve with them. Then I’d ask the students basic questions:

1. How do you think this child learned his behavior?

2. Why is he misbehaving?

3. What are the parents doing about it now? Why doesn’t this work?

4. How did the parents say they feel about this behavior?