Have a New Kid by Friday (8 page)

From the get-go, establish your home as a place to belong. Give family members a vote in decisions. Listen to what others think and say. Support each other in any activities you do. Instead of piling on a host of after-school activities, choose them wisely so you can set aside family time. Don’t lose your family dinners or your family vacations. Friends will change, but family stays. Say through your actions, “We’re a family. We belong together.”

When a new acquaintance approached 15-year-old Melanie to ask if she wanted a cigarette, she simply said, “No thanks. We Crayburns don’t smoke.” Because Melanie had a strong sense of belonging in her family, she didn’t need that cigarette. She liked herself just as she was. Implanted deeply within her character were the pillars of Acceptance and Belonging, because her family had majored on family time and minored on outside-the-home activities. She knew who she was: a Crayburn.

Do your kids know who they belong to? If there is no sense of “belonging” in your home, there will be no relationship. Without a relationship, your rules, your words, and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward Acceptance and Belonging in a group outside your home.

Competence

Want to empower your children? Give them responsibility. When your child takes the initiative to get the job done—whether it’s feeding the dog, fixing his bike, making dinner—say, “Good job. Bet that made you feel good inside.” (If used properly, you see, the temporary “feel good” can be an inspiration to a child to do something again.) And it did, because your child did something all on his own, and he should feel proud of that accomplishment.

When we as parents set up parameters for children to make, create, and excel at things, and then we stand back and say, “Good job,” that’s empowerment. What does that child think?
Hey, I can
do this. My mom and dad believe I can do
it. They’re thinking the best of me. Let’s see
what I can do.

Your child doesn’t flourish when you do everything for him. He develops true self-worth when he contributes to a project or, even better, does it himself. Those “projects” could include a young child getting her own drink out of the fridge or making a PB and J, a 7-year-old making her own lunch for school, or a 16-year-old newly licensed driver picking up groceries for you. When you allow your children to be competent, they will be competent. And if they fail? They learn how to do things differently the next time. As their responsibilities increase, confidence in their own competence increases. That’s how children get ready to move out into the adult world as healthy, functioning members of society.

Your children are longing for Acceptance from you. They ache for Belonging in a family. And they want to have Competence. If they don’t get these from you, they’ll seek them in their peers. You matter much more in your child’s world than you think—which is why your parenting matters more than you think.

My Child Is So Gifted, He Can Count Backward!

Ever heard one of those moms who just gushes out praise to her child?

• “Oh, Ethan, you’re such a good boy! You got an A in math.

Oh, that’s just wonderful! I can’t wait to tell your father. I’m sure he’ll take you out for ice cream.”

• “You’re so smart. You built that Lego tower all by yourself!”

• “You’re so cute when you do that. I can’t wait to show it to the neighbors.”

• “You look adorable in that skirt.”

If I went out right now and asked any parent, “Is it good for parents to praise their children?” I bet every single one of them would say yes. But they’re wrong.

Praise isn’t good for kids. That’s because most of the time it’s false and drummed up to make them feel good, and your children are smart enough to know the difference. It’s never a good idea to associate “goodness” or “cuteness” with how a child does a certain task. If the child did the task badly, would that make him bad or ugly?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Praise links a child’s worth to what she does. To a child’s mind, that means,
Uh-oh, if I don’t do something
“good” all the time, then I’m not worth anything. And Mom and
Dad won’t love me.

It goes back to the pillars of self-worth: Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence. Children need to feel unconditional acceptance no matter what they do, to know they’ll always belong to your household, and to learn to be competent. All of these pillars will be knocked down by the falseness of praise.

Instead,
encourage
your child. Encouragement emphasizes the act and not the person. Here’s a replay of the comments above, in the context of encouragement:

• “Oh, Ethan, you got an A in math. I know you’ve been working extra hard in that area, and that work really paid off.

You’ll have to tell your dad about it. He’ll be happy too.”

• “I love what you built with your Legos. It’s very creative and fun, and you did it by yourself. What are you going to build next?”

• “That’s a fun cheer. Where did you learn it?”

• “When you went shopping yesterday, you did a great job. That skirt looks great on you. A wise choice.”

See the difference? It may seem subtle, but it means the world to a child. When you encourage the act, you encourage the child to be competent and to try something else because he succeeded in that area. Little by little, your encouragements build a core foundation of solid self-worth that will last through any situation in life and even combat negative peer pressure.

So the next time your daughter plays the piano well in a festival, say, “Oh, honey, you must be happy with your performance. You worked so hard to get that piece just right. That was beautiful!” And the next time your child scores a goal in soccer, say, “I can sure tell you’ve been practicing hard. All that work paid off, didn’t it?”

Don’t praise your child by saying, “You’re the greatest kid who ever walked the earth.” What happens when she isn’t? Besides, she can already look around and see she’s not the greatest, so she knows you’re lying to make her feel good. That sets up the disconnect in your relationship:
Hmm, can I trust Dad’s word?
He’s snowing me now.

Instead, encourage her in what she does: “I noticed yesterday that you helped your little brother when he was struggling to tie his shoes. Instead of doing it for him, you coached him and then encouraged him, saying it would get even easier next time. That was great, honey. I appreciate it. You have a very kind heart.”

Such encouragement not only spurs your children on but further solidifies their 3 pillars of self-worth.

Remember the kid at the beginning of the chapter—the live wire and comedian whom only his mother believed in? The kid no one thought would go anywhere in life? Even though that kid was a goof-off, his parents provided a firm foundation of self-worth through the pillars of unconditional Acceptance (even though he tested it many times as he grew up, and his mother grew extra gray hair in the process) and Belonging (this baby of the family always knew that he was part of the family and had an important role there). His mother would sigh each time he failed a class, then encourage him in the area of Competence once again. It wasn’t until that kid met teachers like Mr. Stearns, though, that he grew in the area of Competence. For his mother, it was a long wait . . . but she never gave up.

How do I know?

Because that kid was me.

I’m in my third year of teaching kindergarten, so when I heard you speak about your principles, I was excited as both a mom and a teacher. I can’t wait to put your books on my first-day letter to parents as “Recommended Reads.” I’m also going to explain about the 3 pillars of Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence and about the difference between praise and encouragement. Your books will give me a way to talk to parents about difficult things during the school year—especially since I already know 2 of my 20 children were known as “difficult” in the nearby preschool. I have this sneaky little feeling I know where they got being “difficult” from.

Tricia, Georgia

My daughter called yesterday. She felt so stressed with her 5 children (ages 10, 6, 4, 3, and 3 months) and just needed some encouragement. Based on your principles, I shared with her all the things she was doing right and encouraged her to take the long view . . . and a nice, long bath when her husband got home.

Harriet, California

I’ve been divorced for 1½ years, and I have 2 young children. Because I felt so bad that they didn’t have a father, I was going out of my way to praise everything they did. Thanks for showing me the difference between praise and encouragement. From now on, I’m going to encourage my boys, not praise them. And I’m going to work hard on the ABCs instead of feeling guilty that I can’t provide everything for them.

Janna, Arizona

Your words about Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence hit home for me. I’ve always internalized the image of myself held up to me by other people during my childhood. I didn’t realize how much my permissive parenting had to do with the fact that I didn’t feel good about myself. The few times I could remember my parents being kind to me had to do with praise. But I was never encouraged. Now that I know the difference, I’m going to go out of my way to encourage my daughter. I’ve been doing it all wrong, but now I’m going to do it right. Hearing you speak was a huge step of healing in my own life . . . and the encouragement I needed to look forward!

Marta, Alabama

Friday

The Doc Is In . . . and It’s You

It’s time to pull together your game plan.

Your mantra: “I can’t wait for that kid to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war.”

For the past four days, we’ve been setting the stage for change in your home. You’ve done some evaluating each day about what you can do to kick-start that change. Today’s the day you pull your game plan together. Fun Day is just around the corner!

But first let’s review the key principles, because knowing them is the key to your success in this venture.

MONDAY

In order for your child to know you mean business (and to keep you calm and rational):

1. Say it once.

2. Turn your back.

3. Walk away.

TUESDAY

It’s all about the ABCs:

1. Attitude

2. Behavior

3. Character

You now understand where your child’s attitudes come from, and you’ve done a check in the mirror for your own attitude. You understand why it’s important to be aware of the purposive nature of your child’s behavior. You are determined to hold firm in directing your child’s character.

You also have the 3 simple strategies for success firmly in your mind:

1. Let reality be the teacher.

2. Learn to respond rather than react.

3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

WEDNESDAY

You’re taking the long view in this journey of parenting. You’ve evaluated what kind of parent you are:

1. Permissive

2. Authoritarian

3. Authoritative or responsible

You’ve evaluated how your parenting style influences the way your children respond to you. You are actively thinking of ways your Attitude, Behavior, and Character can be better balanced in regard to your children.

You’ve decided to focus first on your relationship with your child, realizing that without relationship, any rules will not be effective.

You’ve also decided not to make mountains out of molehills, and you’re strategizing which areas really are important ones to address (you’ll find the “Ask Dr. Leman” section helpful in this regard).

THURSDAY

You understand the difference between self-esteem (“feeling good” about yourself) and true self-worth. You’re evaluating how you can help your child develop the 3 pillars of self-worth:

1. Acceptance

2. Belonging

3. Competence

You’re determined to move from praise (focusing on how “good” a person is) to encouragement (focusing on an action).

Okay, got all that in mind?

What’s Your Game Plan?

Today’s the day you decide to go for it. You’re going to launch your action plan on your unsuspecting children. Remember, there are no warnings, no threats, no explanations—only action and follow-through. Above all, there’s no backing down, no caving in. Your child needs to know you mean business, or you won’t accomplish anything. If it takes you longer than a week to change your child’s Attitude, Behavior, and Character, then you need to revisit these key principles. Children who have been allowed to have their own way for a while can be extremely powerful. But look at it this way: if your teenager doesn’t change, he’ll have the most boring teenage years on record because he won’t be able to do anything. Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed. Not even a powerful child can hold out for long under such a principle. No matter what, the family comes first. So if there’s a problem at home, you don’t look at life outside the home until the problem is solved.

Now is not the time to back down, sodon’t be a spineless jellyfish. Stand up and be a parent.

Will it be easy? No. There are days, and then there are
days
. You know what I mean. When you start applying these principles, your child’s behavior is probably going to get worse . . . for a time. It’s a little like fishing in a creek. When you hook a game fish, it will try to throw the hook out of its mouth by leaving the water and thrashing back and forth. Youcan expect that “fish out of water” syndrome with your children too. They’ll come thrashing wildly out of the water and be very ticked.

However, if you talk to a fisherman, he’ll tell you that in order to land the fish, you’ve got to keep tension on the line. You don’t give that fish any slack. If you give it slack, not only will it jump out of the water, but it will scrape its jaw against the bottom of the creek to try to get rid of the hook. To catch that fish, you have to keep the line consistently taut. If you suddenly drop the pole toward the water, you’ve developed slack in the line, and you give the fish the opportunity to get off. Then it’ll be pretty tough to catch that fish again.

The good news is, if your child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you’ll know you’re on the right track.

What’s Up, Doc?

Now you get to play the shrink. Think about a situation that’s currently going on in your home. Ask and answer the following questions as if you’re the doctor in the house.

1. What’s the situation?

2. How would you diagnose it?

3. What’s the purposive nature of the behavior?

4. How do you feel about the behavior?

5. What would you normally do? Think it through.

6. Now what would you do differently? Whose problem is it? Have you left the ball in the child’s court, or are you attempting to dribble it yourself?

Consistency Wins Every Time

Remember that your child’s behavior serves a purpose in his life. It draws your attention to him and provides a power base for him (“I’m going to show you”). As your child grows more powerful, his contempt for you will grow. After all, if he can control you, why respect you? You’re not the authority figure any longer.

That’s why it’s so important to realize that your child is mis-behaving for a reason. More than anything else, she needs a relationship with you. Consistency in your Attitude, Behavior, and Character breeds contentment in your child, whether she is 3, 13, or 23. She can know that the rules won’t change based on your moods or life circumstances.

When you understand the basic principles in this book, you don’t need a shrink, because you can be the shrink. In fact, instead of paying a shrink to “solve your family problems,” take a trip together as a family. Too many parents pay psychiatrists to prescribe a label and then medicate their child when all the child needs is her parents’ time and attention.

Getting Ready for Fun Day

Want a new kid by Friday? Here’s a Top 10 list of what it takes. (For a summary, see p. 289.)

10. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.

You can follow these principles nine times and blow it the tenth time, and you’re back to square one. Think of it this way: you’re trying to forge a new and different path in life. You’re retraining your kid—and yourself—to behave differently. Your kid needs to know you mean business.

9. Always follow through on what you say you will do.

No matter the circumstances, what you say is what you do. Never, ever back down. Don’t be a wuss. It won’t gain you or your child anything. In fact, it’ll put you in an adversarial position with your child, who will wonder,
Hey, when is she serious, and when
isn’t she?

8. Respond, don’t react.

Use actions, not words. Flying loose with your words will only gain you trouble. So close your mouth, think, and respond to the situation rather than reacting to it.

7. Count to 10 and ask yourself, “What would my old self do in
this situation? What should the new me do?”

Let’s say the siblings in your home have been going after each other for 9 years. What do you usually say and do? What will the new you do differently?

6. Never threaten your kids.

The problem with threats is that our children know we don’t mean them, because we rarely follow through on them. Even more, our threats often don’t make sense: “All right, no more candy for life!” “If you don’t get off that chair, you’re going to break your neck!” Even the youngest child can figure out when there’s no action or truth behind the threats.

5. Never get angry.

As soon as you get angry, you’ll be back at square one. I understand that there are triggers—things your kids do that make you angry. But you’re the adult in the situation. You are the one who ultimately decides when you get angry. Don’t let your children control your moods. If you get angry, an explosion of anger is like throwing up all over your child. The release in tension may feel good temporarily, but look what you’ve done to your child.

Okay, so you’re human. If and when you get angry, apologize quickly. For example, “Honey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

4. Don’t give any warnings.

If you warn your child, you’re saying, “You’re so stupid, I have to tell you twice.” Your goal is to get your children to listen, listen once, hear what you have to say, and act on it.

3. Ask yourself, “Whose problem is this?”

Don’t own what isn’t yours, and don’t force the ownership on a sibling either. You need to keep the ball in your child’s court.

Don’t take over what she should be doing herself.

2. Don’t think the misbehavior will go away.

I’ve got news for you. Kids won’t stop misbehaving on their own. They gain too much by it. You have to intercede and administer loving and consistent discipline.

An old CEO of a major airline told me that at one time the airline gave the employee at the counter 100 percent discretion to make decisions about passengers. “Kevin,” he said, “because too many ticket agents took liberties, we lost millions.” That airline learned the hard way that they can’t just give a ticket agent carte blanche. Nor can you as a parent give a child carte blanche. You are responsible for informed guidance.

Let’s say you’re going shopping for fall clothing. You say to your child, “This is the budget we have to spend on your clothes this fall. You can spend it any way you want, but we cannot go over this amount.” That still leaves the child with the freedom to decide what kind of clothing she will purchase with that money. But if you see her going the way of buying twelve T-shirts, you might want to say, “Those T-shirts look great, but you might need a sweater and some jeans too.” You are giving your child informed guidance. If she chooses not to follow it, she may end up washing the same pair of jeans every night for the next school year. And if your child insists on buying clothing that does not fit your standards (i.e., too tight, too low), then your informed guidance should say a firm no.

If informed guidance could save your child a lot of grief in the small things, like clothing choices, then why would you, as parent, not offer informed guidance in the more important issue of misbehavior?

Simply said, you can’t let the prisoners run the asylum. They’ll get themselves intoo much trouble. In such cases, it’s better to force a blowout than to face a slow leak, hoping your child will come to her senses one day.