Have a New Kid by Friday (9 page)

1. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to . . . do something
else.

Get Ready, Get Set . . .

A woman came to my seminar and told me, “I’m so tired of the way things are done at my house. The kids treat me like a slave and a short-order cook. No one likes anything I make, and they complain about it all the time. It’s been this way for years, but I’m sick of it.”

This poor woman was at marine training camp, and she’d been cleaning and licking boots for years. Her family expected it. But no longer.

Here’s what I told her: “Lady, you need to go on strike. Don’t cook dinner at all. For a week. Go out for dinner each night, get a bite to eat by yourself. If your children ask where you’re going, just say, “Out.” When you come home, don’t do the laundry, don’t wake them up for school, don’t make breakfast or lunch. Get their attention. You are not their slave; you’re their mother. When they ask, simply say, ‘I’m done doing things for you. Until I see effort on your part, I quit.’ And just watch the shock on your kids’ faces.”

You see, oftentimes you’re too good a mother. You’re too good a father. You do way too many things for your children. On Fun Day you need to level the playing ground, using the “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” principle.

It isn’t rocket science. Any parent can do it. Your kids need you to step up to the plate so life in your home can be what it should be—a place of love, respect, and accountability for actions.

Now launch your plan. Stick to your guns. Your mantra should be, “I can’t wait for that kid to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war.”

Just do it!

I have been struggling with my daughters, ages 7 and 4, for some time now, and I have felt such frustration. I’ve felt like a total failure because I find myself constantly yelling at them, then feeling incredible mommy guilt afterward. The amount of junk food in our home shows how guilty I’ve felt. You have given me practical and easy-to-follow principles that I can really use. I know it won’t always be easy, but I’m determined to stick to it.

Robin, Ontario

I’m launching my action plan today. I can’t wait for Fun Day. I’ve already decided that I’m taking myself—no kids—out for ice cream when it’s all over. Your advice is priceless and exactly what I needed. I felt a connection and an understanding that I haven’t felt with any other parenting expert. Your humor and personal testimonies were reassuring to an average guy like me.

Mark, Ohio

My life has completely changed. My relationships with my kids have changed. And, okay, I admit my relationship with my husband has changed since I’m no longer stressed out due to the kids. Thank you so much! My husband says thank you too.

Melissa, Illinois

For the first time in 2 years, since Elizabeth turned 13, I have hope and an action plan.

Kara, New York

We have 3 children—4, 3, and 2. We couldn’t see spending our lives the way things were going. Nobody would babysit for us, and people would stare at us in public (with good reason). Simply put, our children are monsters. Your principles have changed
everything
about our lives. I hope every parent on the planet hears you speak or reads your books. They
need
this approach. We certainly did.

The Nesbits, Montana

Ask Dr. Leman

A to Z Game Plans That Really Work

Straightforward advice and gutsy plans of action on over 100 of the hottest parenting topics.

Shh! It’s a Secret!

A no-nonsense approach to having a great kid and being a great parent. Just look up the topic, but don’t tell your child what you’re up to. (Hint: There’s a quick index at the back.)

If we had ten minutes together in person where no one else could overhear us, what’s the one thing you’d most want to know about parenting? Why?

Over nearly four decades, it has been my joy to help families succeed. I want to see
your
family succeed too. So in this section, allow me to be your personal psychologist. I’ll just perch here on the arm of your chair while you look up the topics you’re currently facing for some timely and time-tested advice.

Then think about your own situation. Ask yourself:

1. What is the purposive nature of the behavior?

2. How do I, as the parent, feel in this situation?

3. Is this a mountain or a molehill?

The answers to these questions will help you formulate an action plan for your own family. If the issue is a molehill, a can of Raid might help. If it’s a mountain, the ante is upped significantly. You must handle the situation well, because it will affect your family dynamics, your well-being, and your child’s well-being.

So pick the topic that’s hottest in your family right now. The topics are organized A to Z so you can find them easily, or you can check the index at the back of the book. If you want a Parenting 101 crash course, just read straight through the section. I’ve included over 100 of the topics that parents ask about most.

For additional help on specific topics, consult the resource list on pp. 299–300. You’ll also find a lot of practical help at www .lemanbooksandvideos.com. Have a specific parenting question? Go to iQuestions.com, where I answer all sorts of parenting and marriage questions (and you even get to see my mug shot).

Above all, remember the secret: do
not
let your child in on what you’re up to. What you’re doing must remain your secret until Fun Day. There are no warnings in this system—and no wimps allowed either. Backing down once you launch your action plan will only get you pushed back into the corner you started in.

You
can
be a great parent. And you
can
have a great kid. So go ahead—plunge right in. Fun Day awaits.

Allowances

“I give Matt, our 14-year-old, an allowance every week. But he’s always coming back to me the day after he receives the money, asking for more money for something he’s just got to have. It’s driving me crazy.”

“Trey is only 3, but he seems interested in money. The other day he took some coins off the kitchen counter and put them in his pocket. He’s so young that I don’t think he had any idea that what he did, without asking, was stealing. But it made me wonder: should I give him an allowance? How old should kids be before they get an allowance?”

“We give all three of our kids—who are 12, 14, and 16—the same amount of allowance every week. But our 16-year-old is constantly asking to borrow money from our 12-year-old . . . and getting it.

Should we give more to the 16-year-old because he’s older, or keep the amount consistent so we’re fair to all 3 children?”

“Our 2 children, ages 11 and 13, are vastly different in personality. Jen, our older child, is a real worker. After she’s done her regular chores, she always pitches in and does extra ones if she sees other things that need to be done. Mark, our younger child, has to be prodded from his PlayStation several times in order to get even his own chores done. I was raised with a brother, and everything was ‘even Steven’ in our home. But it always drove me crazy when I did all the work and got the same allowance as my younger brother. I don’t want to make Mark feel inferior by giving him less money than his sister. Help! What should we do?”

Giving allowances is one of those areas that influence many other areas, so I’ll spend a little more time on it than on some of the other topics. Why? Because the money a child has at his fingertips, how he has received that money, and how he views that money affect not only what he’s able to buy or save but how he feels about himself.

What’s an allowance for? In my view, an allowance is part of a family’s recreational budget. It’s one of the perks of being a member of the family.

This is a very different view than mostof us grew up with. Remember the chore list on the refrigerator? We all groaned about it, but we did it (unless we could get our little sister to do it for us on the sly), because it was the only way we could get paid. The list went something like this:

Clean your room. 50¢

Set the table. 10¢

Feed and walk the dog for a week. 50¢

Clean out the garage. $1

Take out the garbage. 20¢

Doing those chores directly related to how much money we received in our allowance each week.

But here’s what I’m suggesting: every family member should automatically receive an allowance from the family’s recreational budget. That means everyone, as part of their “perk” for being in the family, has money to spend. I know some of you are thinking,
I can’t afford an allowance.
The reality is that all parents spend money on their children, so “I can’t afford it” doesn’t fly with me. Just take what you’d spend on the child for lunch, clothing, etc., and lump it all together as the allowance money. That doesn’t cost you any more money than you’re already spending, and it will teach your child responsibility.

Some family members, due to age and abilities, will have more work to do than others. For instance, you wouldn’t expect a 6-yearold to do the same kind and quality of work that you would expect from a 14-year-old. But by the same token, the older child also has some perks that the younger child doesn’t have—for example, a later bedtime and the freedom to go out with friends.

I suggest that you start a child with an allowance around the age of 5. Give the child, say, 5 quarters ($1.25 per week). There’s nothing more wonderful to a child than to have something of her own, and shiny quarters are like gold to a young child. Age 5 is also a good age at which to begin teaching the value of money—what a penny, nickel, dime, quarter, and dollar are worth and what they can buy. Go to the bank together and start a savings account for the child. Invest in a money market account or a stock, if you are able to do so. (It’s amazing how small amounts can grow, and it’s wonderful for a child to see this on a quarterly or yearly basis).

If a child wants to spend money on something above the cost of what he has in his allowance,
do not
pad his allowance money.

Have the child wait to purchase that item until he has enough money to buy the item himself. Then he can experience that thrill of buying what he himself has earned—and also the dash of buyer’s remorse if he accidentally breaks a plastic toy he purchased. Having “money of my own” gives a child some dominion over dollars and a growing understanding of how long it takes
you
to pile up the cash needed to buy certain things for your family.

As a child gets older, increase that child’s allowance with respect to her age. The more money you give your older child in her allowance, the more the child can do with it, whether saving or spending.

Our Lauren, who is now 15,
loves
to save her allowance. Someday she’ll be happy to have a little nest egg all her own for a special purchase. Little Kayla, who is 8, is also a saver. She puts every penny she receives into her buy-a-horse-someday fund. But last year, when she heard about a little girl who lost her home in a flood, she dipped into her allowance and sent that girl’s family a special gift—from her very own heart and finances.

Kyle, who is 11, discovered quickly that money doesn’t grow on trees and that what’s hot among his peer group today may not be hot tomorrow. It took half a year’s allowance to buy a skateboard. Three weeks after his purchase, his classmates laughed at his skateboard because it wasn’t the latest and greatest anymore. Now Kyle tends to buy only things that
he
really wants—not items that he thinks will make him popular.

Children need to know that when the money is spent, it’s spent. There’s no free lunch in life.

If your child asks for more money because he’s used up what he has, say, “Well, payday isn’t until Saturday. I’m sure you’ll make something work.” Would it kill your son to pack a lunch for school instead of going out with his buddies to the local pizza joint?

Would you say to your boss, “Hey, I need more money to last me until Saturday”? Then don’t allow your kids to manipulate you either.

But should you ever pay your children for specific jobs? Let’s say that your daughter comes to you and says, “I’d like to earn some extra money this summer. Anything I can do around here?”

“Well,” you say, “I’ve wanted to get the garage painted for 2 years. If you paint the garage, I’ll give you $100.”

Such a deal, which is beyond the norm of your child’s usual responsibilities, is a great way for you not only to get a job done but also to allow your child the opportunity to earn additional money for a special project. And when the painting is complete, you can bet your daughter will look at that garage every day and be satisfied with her accomplishment.

Children need to know that upholding their end of the bargain as a family member is important. If they don’t, there are consequences.

For instance, let’s say your 14-year-old doesn’t mow the lawn like he’s supposed to. Instead of nagging or bickering with him about when he’ll do it, what if you just quietly hired another sibling or someone from the neighborhood to cut the lawn? What if the money it cost to hire that person was taken out of your son’s allowance the following week? Do you think you’d get the message across quickly?

Let’s say that your older child always does everything you expect her to do. You can count on her jobs being done; you don’t even have to check.

Then there’s her younger sibling who hates to do a lick of work but is supposed to clean out his room. When he doesn’t, what do you usually do? Rag on him, right?

What if, instead of saying anything at all, you asked his sister to go in and clean his room, and you paid her $4 out of your son’s next allowance for doing so? Chances are, little brother isn’t going to be happy that (1) he lost some of his allowance, and (2) his
sister
was in his room.

But do you think you got your point across that all family members are expected to pitch in, and when they don’t, they have to pay someone else to do what was expected of them?

Allowances teach children how to manage money—and they also teach children firsthand about consequences. For example, I could run my car through the car wash and hand the workers $8. Or I could wash the car myself in the driveway and keep the $8 in my pocket. It’s all a matter of choice.

If your child doesn’t get around to a certain task, don’t cajole her, remind her, or lecture her. Simply hire someone else to do that task and take whatever you had to pay that person from your child’s allowance. There are no threats, no warnings—only action.

That action will speak much louder than any words you could use. I know, because it got swift results in my own home. Our teenage children were responsible to cook dinner for us one night a week in order to give my wife, Sande, a break. One night I arrived home from work, and there was no dinner cooking. So I decided it was a good time for a teachable moment. I took Sande out for dinner at one of her favorite places, where they serve food with real silver forks, not plastic picnic ware. When our children received their allowances the following week, the price of that dinner had been divvied up among them and taken out of their allowances. Do you think that ever happened again in our house?

Lesson learned.

Anger

“Mike would come home from school, go into his room, slam the door, and start punching his pillow. I’d try to talk to him, but he’d always tell me to go away—that I was butting into his business.”

“Shawnee pitched a fit—an honest-to-goodness screaming fit—every day when it was time to take a nap. I got so tired of it.
I
was the one who had to take the nap while she roamed the house freely.”

“It doesn’t take much for Tim to blow, and when he blows, it affects our whole house. Everybody gets really, really quiet and goes and hides in their rooms. It’s like, to him, he’s the only one that counts.”

“Monica doesn’t yell; she
seethes.
I’d rather she yell than give me the silent treatment.”

What’s the atmosphere like in your house? Is an angry person in control? Interestingly enough, a person can be loudly angry or quietly angry. Either way, you get the picture loud and clear.