Hardball (28 page)

She didn’t know whether to cry or laugh in his face. Did he really think she’d settle for a long-distance relationship with absolutely no commitment? Or did he think she’d be fine as his Philadelphia girl—one toy in his vast national collection? It was looking more and more like she’d been fooling herself all along.

Holly stared straight ahead, not speaking, until Nate stopped the car in the parking lot where they’d picked up the BMW.

“Well, say something,” he finally said, obviously frustrated.

“All right.” She turned her body so she faced him directly. The hard-set, unsympathetic lines of his handsome face made her stomach take a sickening drop. “Here’s how I see it. You want me to take you on any terms you care to throw at me. You won’t promise to give up other women. And you don’t see a problem if we’re separated by a whole continent and see each other only occasionally. Is that really what you call a relationship?”

She sucked in a deep breath, mustering up the will to do what she now knew needed to be done, even if it broke her heart. She’d been ignoring all her instincts for self-preservation, but no longer.

“Nate, if that’s the way it’s going to play out, what possible future is there for us?” She swallowed past the fist-sized lump in her throat. “I can’t see one. Not one I could live with.”

His face reddened, and his grip on the wheel tightened. He seemed to be holding his breath, with tension shimmering up and down his body. But suddenly the tension started to slip away, and he blew out a breath, his muscles clearly relaxing.

She wished she had that kind of self-control.

His hard face softened and he heaved a big sigh as he fixed his gaze directly on her. “Holly, I want to be with you. You know that. We’re good together. So, what’s the rush all of a sudden? Isn’t being good together enough, at least for now? Who knows what will happen for either of us in the future?”

And with those words, it all crashed down around her head. Holly had let herself hope that she was different from all the other women Nate had been with. That she was the one he could stick with, even though their time together had been short. God, what a delusional fool she had been.

Well dear
, her mother’s voice suddenly whispered in her head,
you always were naïve when it came to your love life. What did you expect from a man like Nate Carter?

She pushed back against that carping voice. “Good enough? No, it’s not. It’s just not.” Her voice started to break. “I love you, Nate Goddamn Carter, and it breaks my heart to have to say that. Maybe it would be enough for someone else—in fact, I’m sure you could find lots of women who’d think so. But it’s not for me. I couldn’t live that way. It’s not in me, and anyway I deserve better than that.”

Nate cursed and reached for the door handle, practically hurling his body out of the car. Holly sat frozen in her seat, trying to make her body move as her heart splintered into sharp little pieces.

Rubbing her aching temples, she briefly considered calling a taxi and heading straight over to Jacksonville International to catch the first commercial flight home. But as soon as Nate opened her door and reached a hand inside to help her up, she let that idea go. Bolting now would cause an irreparable break and, despite what she’d said, part of her wasn’t quite ready to give up completely.

She helped Nate carry their things to the Bonanza. The ground crew had readied the plane on the tarmac for departure. Not a single word passed between them as she stood beside the wing, ignoring him as he completed his pre-flight checks. She had to, or she’d start crying. When he finally climbed into the cockpit, she followed and strapped herself in.

The tension in the cramped interior was already unbearable, and she had at least four more hours to face. Suppressing a groan, she pulled a medical journal out of her bag and started to read, determined to shut everything out.

* * *

Once or twice in the first hour of the flight, Nate had tried some humor. Spending four hours in tight quarters, the atmosphere funereal, made him want to parachute out. But Holly didn’t bite at any of his jokes. In fact, she rarely looked up from her reading. The best he was able to get out of her was a grudging nod or soft grunt.

To call her mood frosty was like describing the High Arctic as a little chilly.

Damn, what a way to end a great weekend
.

He enjoyed flying more than anything other than pitching and sex. But this particular flight had been pure misery from well before engine start-up. When he finally set the Bonanza down at North Philly Airport and taxied to his hangar, he felt like he’d just been paroled.

Nate was crazy about Holly, but he was seriously pissed at her, too. She’d sprung the whole discussion on him right out of the blue. It was the last thing he’d expected, and the timing felt all wrong. But he had to acknowledge that maybe there wouldn’t have ever been a good time. He wasn’t used to women getting serious on him, and sure as hell not this early in the game.

Well, truth be told, he’d never really stuck around long enough to get serious with any woman. With the possible exception of Martha. And with her, neither of them had ever thought their relationship would be for keeps.

So why
did
Holly decide to push? The sex between them had been as hot as Miami in July, and he was pretty much flat out nuts about her. But they’d been together what? Less than a month? And then she’d blurted out that she loved him. Well, that was just plain crazy. She couldn’t possibly love him—not so soon, anyway. He was good but not
that
good, especially for a woman as classy as Holly.

Nate also couldn’t help thinking about the women he’d been dating before he met Holly. Not the last one, Geri Berlin. They were so done. But some of the women he saw on road trips were more than one-night stands. Sure, they didn’t have big expectations, and they knew that someday he’d say goodbye for good. But now? Was he really ready for Holly’s definition of commitment?

Actually, he’d been giving that question some thought for the past few days. But not urgently. His injury had been a good thing from that standpoint. It had let him put the issue on the back burner, since there would be some time before he had another trip to any of the cities where he dated other women. And Holly
was
responsible for that growing change in his feelings, no doubt about that. In fact, he cared for her a hell of a lot, but that didn’t mean he was ready to settle down. Not even close.

No, he couldn’t make that kind of commitment. His gut told him he didn’t want to let her go, but he wasn’t going to make a life-changing vow unless he was totally sure he could keep it. The last thing he wanted was for Holly to get in so deep that she’d be devastated if he couldn’t be what she wanted him to be. He wouldn’t use her like that. No way.

And he couldn’t let their relationship—whatever it was—force a wrong decision on the trade, if it ever came to that. His career had to come first. How could he live with himself if he didn’t try to reach his full potential? If that meant L.A., then so be it. He hadn’t worked his ass off for all those years to settle for second best now.

As soon as he cut the plane’s engine, Holly popped the door open and clambered out and down the wing. She helped him pull the luggage out of the cargo area and load it into the car. Sunglasses hiding her eyes, she looked away towards the small terminal as Nate went back to the Bonanza and maneuvered it into the hangar by himself. He closed the hangar doors and strolled over the Aston Martin.

“Want to drive?” he offered across the roof of the car. Maybe that could help him chip away at the iceberg she’d floated between them. She was crazy about driving his car.

“No thanks,” she said.

Nate sighed and clicked the doors open. She slid into the passenger seat without looking at him.

He’d run out of ways to try to make her laugh, or lighten her mood, or even get a reaction out of her. Now he was just getting mad. “How long are you going to keep this up?” he said, no longer trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.

Nate pulled up in front of her house thirty minutes later. Not another word had passed between them the entire drive. God, it made him feel like crap, especially whenever he glanced over at her pale, unhappy face. How had it all gone so wrong? He wracked his brain, trying to find a solution to the problem between them, but he just kept coming up empty.

Maybe all he could do was give her space. Time to think if she really wanted it to be over. She’d obviously gotten her hopes up after the sensational time they had in Florida, and a letdown was almost inevitable. But now that they were back in Philly, she’d get absorbed in her work again, and hopefully she’d start to see things from a different perspective.

He did as she asked, hurrying around to help her lift out the bag. But by the time he got to the trunk, she had already grabbed it herself.

“Holly, listen,” he said, putting his hand on her shoulder before she could stomp off. “This is crazy.”

She’d been a wreck when they left Florida, but now she’d calmed down. She still looked pale and unhappy, but determined as hell, too. Unease stirred in his gut.

“You can call it what you want, Nate, but I meant what I said,” she replied in her soft, southern-tinged voice. “Do I have to say it again? There’s no future for us if you won’t make a commitment to our relationship. If I can’t count on you to be faithful to me like I would always be to you. I’m sorry, but I’m just not into sharing.”

Brutal disappointment flooded through him. What more could he say? He supposed he could lie to her—tell her what she wanted to hear, even if he didn’t mean it. But that wasn’t going to happen. He wouldn’t lie to Holly—not about anything important, anyway. She deserved better than that.

But she was insisting that it was her way or the highway, and he couldn’t cave to that kind of demand. He’d just have to hope she’d change her mind if he gave her some time to get used to the idea.

“I don’t want to let you go,” he said softly. “Are you really sure about what you’re doing?”

For a moment, she seemed to waver, and her eyes glistened with tears. He gave her shoulder a light caress, hoping like hell she’d say no.

Holly barely made it into the house before the dam burst. The tears she’d been struggling for hours to hold back started to flow freely down her face. She dropped her suitcase in the hall, swiping her face as she made her way to the kitchen. They’d only been gone four days, but so much had happened and she barely knew how to feel, how to think. Her entire world had just fallen into a tailspin.

One thing was clear, though. Nate wasn’t prepared to make a commitment. All she’d wanted him to do was say he wouldn’t keep jumping into the sack with other women while he was involved in a relationship with her. To give them a chance and see where things were headed. How hard was that?

Too hard for him, obviously.

She gasped and tried to catch her breath, tried to stop her useless crying. The fight with Nate had left her right where she was before they went to Florida—stressed out, exhausted, and teetering on the verge of depression.

She found an unopened bottle of California white in the fridge. Pouring out a full glass, she kicked off her sandals and headed for the sofa, bottle in hand. It felt like a good night for lots of wine and a total sob-fest. Tomorrow, she would pull it together and start acting like an adult again. Tonight, she gave herself permission to be a complete mess.

Leaving the kitchen, she suddenly remembered that she hadn’t checked the telephone for messages. Her stomach gave a funny little flutter as she turned around and glanced back at the counter. She thought of Lance Arnold, and suddenly his growling voice and menacing image were in her head again. This time she shuddered, and had to tighten her grip on the wine glass to keep from dropping it.

But there was no flashing red light. She drew a long, relieved breath. Pressure from the detectives must have worked.

Still, she checked all the locks before stretching out on the sofa with her back propped up against a brace of pillows. The room was growing very dark in the evening twilight. She didn`t bother to turn on a lamp. Ugly images raced through her mind, pulling her down even further. Finally, she grabbed the TV remote and switched on a mindless reality show, something about building houses. Anything was better than the awful silence.

Holly finished her glass and refilled it, already starting to feel a buzz. She would totally regret this self-indulgence in the morning, but tonight she didn’t care. Her motto in life had always been to keep moving forward, to never feel sorry for herself. And for good reason. She
was
blessed in so many ways, and she’d always been the first to admit it.