Hardball (27 page)

”Maybe I should try meditating,” Nate said derisively. “Or, better yet, punch something.”

Holly frowned, looking unsure. “Meditation might do you some good. I could teach you.”

“I was kidding,” he snapped. “They were such idiots to give the ball to that kid. There are guys in our bullpen they should be using for spot starts until I get back. Experienced guys who know what they’re doing out there. Jesus, those clowns in the front office never use their heads!” He slammed his fist down onto the sofa.

Holly winced. “Nate, please. I get that you’re frustrated, and I want to help. But please don’t take my head off because the team lost. It’s kind of…disconcerting.”

Her sad, wounded look filled him with guilt. He got up and opened his arms. She rose and pressed herself into him. “Sorry for wigging out like that,” he said. “But I don’t think you really get what this layoff is doing to me. My team’s getting hammered while I’m down here in Florida screwing around.”

She shifted out of his arms and stood a few steps away, her arms wrapped defensively around her body. “And here I thought we were having a fabulous time,” she muttered in a tight little voice. “You were doing this for me, remember?”

Shit. Okay, maybe I’m over-reacting, but why can’t she get it?
“Hell, that’s not what I meant and you know it,” he said. “I’m a ballplayer, Holly. It’s what I do, who I am. It’s
all
I am. I make a difference out there on the field, and the team needs me.” He reached for her again, and she let him pull her back to him. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying the time I spend with you. You know I am.”

She massaged the back of his neck, her slender fingers both firm and soothing. “I guess I’d go crazy, too, if I had to take a really long break from surgery. But you can’t let it eat you up, or the psychological impact will be even worse than the physical injury.”

“I know,” he said in a resigned voice.

“Try not to stew about it,” she said with a worried smile. That look made him feel even shittier. “You’ll be back on the field soon enough, and better than ever. I know it.”

“I damn well better be,” he said.

Growing up, the endlessly blue Florida sky had always made Holly feel fantastic. So healthy and alive. As Nate drove them back to Craig Airport in brilliant sunshine, she knew she should be feeling great today, too.

After all, they had spent a perfect weekend together. Or, at least, it should have been perfect. All the ingredients had been there. Perfect condo, perfect beaches, a perfect night at the Ritz, perfect sex. Utterly explosive, perfect sex, and lots of it.

Even their brief visit with Holly’s mother had gone better than expected. Over coffee at Starbucks in the chic San Marco District the day before—her mother’s suggestion—Nate had charmed his way through the early frost, and by the end actually had her laughing at his baseball stories. Despite her initial reluctance even to meet the man she’d disdainfully called “the athlete boyfriend,” her mother had ended up inviting him to come visit her anytime he found himself in town.

Just as important, the trip had finally enabled Holly to push Lance Arnold out of her mind. Not every minute by any means, but enough to make a huge difference.

Best of all, being with Nate had been magic. Tension had briefly threatened to derail the weekend after he wigged out at the Ritz, but they hadn’t allowed it to ruin the rest of their short vacation. In fact, she’d tried to be extra sympathetic when the Patriots lost yet again the next day. He’d sucked it up, too, making an effort to show it didn’t bother him, even though it clearly had.

The only thing preventing perfection was her damned, constant and infuriating insecurity over Nate.

She was falling in love with him.

Falling?
That thought made her laugh, and not in a good way. Hell, she’d dived off the cliff into love. But she still didn’t have a clue what he was feeling—not down deep in his heart. Yes, he clearly liked spending time with her, and there was no doubt he enjoyed the sex. Not after everything he’d done to her all weekend long. And she wasn’t complaining one bit about that.

Maybe she was crazy, but their growing intimacy gave her the impression that she meant more than his small army of previous girlfriends. She hoped so. But she didn’t trust that impression. It could be wishful thinking, and she couldn’t point to a single concrete thing Nate had said or done as proof of feelings for her that went beyond affection, kindness, and sexual chemistry.

She needed evidence of more. Her heart was perilously close to fully committed, even though she was full of doubts about how Nate really felt about her. She worried that those doubts would eventually sink the relationship if she didn’t confront them head-on.

And she wanted to do it now, before they left the warmth of Florida and all the wonderful memories they’d created these past few days. She thought their time there
had
created a bond, and an opening to move forward as a couple.

She swallowed hard, mentally commanding her suddenly pounding heart to slow down. “It’s about us. I don’t really know if I should say this, but I have to, or else it will really start to bug me.”

He cut a startled look her way. “Jesus, what is it, Holly?” His voice sounded wary.

For a brief moment, she almost lost her resolve. He knew something was coming that he wasn’t going to like. But she took a deep breath and plowed ahead. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us. I suppose that’s not exactly surprising, is it? After all, we’ve been together twenty-four seven for the past few days.”

She knew her voice sounded tentative, unsure. And she didn’t like it.
Suck it up, Holly
.

“You’re complaining?” There was none of his usual teasing tone. He meant it.

She shook her head emphatically. “God, no. Absolutely not. I’ve never had a better time in my life. And that’s the truth.”

Resisting the urge to gaze out the side window instead of looking at him, she twisted in her seat to face Nate. “In fact it’s been so good that it’s got me thinking about where we’re heading with this. Maybe it’s because I’m a surgeon, but I need to have a plan going forward,” she said with an apologetic smile. “So where
are
we going, Nate?”

He was clearly struggling not to show much reaction, but she could see and sense his body going tense. There was no trademark easy grin. No crooked smile. Just a concerned frown and a silence that immediately felt strained. He stared straight down the road, his eyes locked on something in the distance.

Dread crept through her veins as the silence lengthened.
Oh God, this is not going to be good.

Finally he spoke. “Something came to mind, but I get the impression you’d think this isn’t a good time for humor.”

“Good call,” she said, trying not to sound upset. As much as she hated the thought of what might be coming, she was in too deep now to let it go. If she did, the elephant in the corner of their relationship would move in permanently. “But don’t get all defensive, okay? I’m not asking for the moon. I know it’s still pretty early in our relationship. I’m just asking if you’ve given thought to what’s ahead. A road map, I suppose.”

He stayed silent.

Anger, worry and fear lodged in her chest. And, finally, burgeoning regret for even bringing up the subject. Nate had already shown he wasn’t ready for this discussion.

But you are Holly.
She gave herself a little mental shake and tried again. “We’ve got a good thing here, Nate, don’t we?”

A nod and a half smile. “Sure. I’m crazy about you, Holly. You’ve got to know that by now.”

Yeah, and I’m crazy about chocolate ice cream
. That kind of vague response only made things worse. She needed more from him.

“That’s good,” she said, cautiously resting her hand on his arm. “Really good. But are you crazy enough to promise me that we won’t be sleeping with anyone else but each other from now on?”

There, it’s done. No going back now
.

Nate’s mouth turned down again and he shifted in his seat, pulling his arm away from her hand. She’d obviously caught him completely by surprise, and felt a twinge of guilt.

Stupid
. She had nothing to feel guilty about. It was something she needed to know, and she had every right to ask him. How he answered was his business. All she wanted was an adult conversation about it.

When he stayed silent, she clenched her fists, frustration warring with dismay.

“Look,” she said, forcing a calm tone, “I don’t care how you lived your life before we met. And I know a lot of the stories are either outright lies or have been blown all out of proportion. But some of it is true. I know that, too. Once you’re back in the game, you’ll be away a lot, and I don’t want to have to worry or be a crazy jealous idiot every time the team is on a road trip. It’s really as simple as that.”

Nate gave an exaggerated sigh. “Yeah, okay, I hear you. I get where you’re coming from. But here’s where
I’m
coming from.”

He paused to flick on his turn signal and then squeezed into the right lane. Holly could see the airport exit in the distance.

“All I can tell you,” Nate said, “is that since the day we met, I haven’t even thought about sleeping with anybody other than Dr. Holly Bell. Not for a
minute
.
”
He gave her a frowning look. “You can either believe that or not. I can’t control what you think.”

Holly instinctively believed him. But she didn’t need to parse the words, because there wasn’t any kind of commitment in them. In fact, he sounded like he was hedging. She waited, her stomach churning, but it seemed that was all he had to say.

“Is that it?” she finally said, not bothering to hide her dismay. “That’s all you have to say? How am I supposed to interpret that?”

He grimaced, then muttered something under his breath.

Holly tried to clamp down on her anger and the tears that threatened to spill out. He’d hate that.
She’d
hate it too. She’d better get in control or this was going to end up in a real shootout.

“I believe you, Nate. I also believe that we’re in pretty deep now. At least I am. So, I need to know that if I put my heart into this relationship, you’re going to be committed to me, too. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

He expelled an impatient breath as he brought the car to a halt at a red light, still refusing to look at her.

“Look,” he said, his voice sharper now, “do we really have to do this right now? We just had an unbelievable weekend. Can’t we just keep enjoying being together?” He shook his head slowly, his frustration obvious. “Why do women always want to make things more complicated than they need to be?”

She froze, stunned by the painful psychic blow. He might just as well have given her a straight “no” as far as she was concerned. He wasn’t going to change for her. Or, at the very least, he was going to keep his options fully open. Maybe until something better came along. After all, it seemed that in Nate’s world, women were interchangeable.

Are you really surprised, Holly?
The cynical voice in her head robbed her of any comeback.

Craig Airport was just ahead on their right. She stared toward it blankly as he slowed and eased the car onto Aviation Drive.

He sighed, casting an unhappy glance her way. “Look, babe. I’ve never known anybody like you, I swear to God. But we can’t get too far ahead of ourselves.” He paused for several moments, as if debating something, and then continued. “Hell, at this point I’m not even sure how much longer I’ll be playing in Philadelphia.”

She briefly closed her eyes. Now they were coming to the truth.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked sharply. Damned if she’d make this easy for him.

He waved a hand at her, like she shouldn’t be getting excited. “I didn’t want to say anything just yet, because it’s still just at the talking stage. But it’s possible that I might get traded to Los Angeles. Soon.”

Holly crossed her arms tightly over her chest. Bad enough that he’d waited so long to tell her, it was even worse that he’d decided to use it in this discussion. “Well, it’s about time you mentioned that little detail, especially since it’s not exactly a secret.”

He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, for God’s sake, I heard about the trade a week ago. I was waiting for you to tell me. Did you actually decide that I didn’t need to know?”

He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. His face looked defensive.

She tried to stifle the bitterness rising fast inside her but failed miserably. “How could you be so thoughtless?” she said, giving way to her anger. “Can you imagine how I’ve felt, knowing that you might be leaving and thinking you weren’t even going to tell me about it?”

He didn’t react.

“Jesus, Nate, moving to the west coast is a hell of a big deal, especially when you know damn well that I’m falling in love with you!”

His mouth dropped open, and he actually appeared shocked. Was it possible that he hadn’t figured her feelings out yet? Men were dense, but that was ridiculous.

“Hey, wait a minute,” he finally said, “I told you the trade’s not a done deal. What would have been the point in speculating about something that might never happen?” He set his mouth in a grim line. “I suppose Maddie spilled the beans. She was all over me about it when she heard.”

Holly shook her head, seething. “Who cares how I found out? That’s not the point. Are you going to go or not? And don’t tell me again that it’s not a done deal. You must know how you feel about it, and I don’t suppose they’re going to give you all season to make up your mind.”

“I told you—I don’t know yet.” His tone softened. “Holly, listen. Even if the trade does go ahead, it sure doesn’t have to mean the end of our relationship. We can still see each other. Spend as much time together as we can.”