Hardball (29 page)

But tonight she’d never felt less like fortune’s favored child. Tonight she felt only melancholy and an aching sense of loss.

Nate had lost count of the number of times he’d picked up the phone to call Holly and then put it right back down again. His condo seemed as empty as the feeling in his gut. It was all he could do not to let his anger loose and start busting up the place like some drunken dirtball or drugged-up rocker, especially without the distraction of work to take his mind off how much he missed her.

What the hell happened
? He`d asked himself that question a hundred times in the past couple of hours and he still couldn`t understand it. Four incredible days of sex and laughs and food and fun, and then Holly went all Polar Queen on him.

Over and over again, he stared at his iPhone, finger poised over her speed dial number. But something stopped him every time. It didn’t feel right to run after her. Women ran after Nate Carter, not the other way around. Holly would just have to get over it. Once she calmed down, she’d call and they’d get together again.

Despite telling himself that again and again, he fact was that he felt almost desperate about it. It really ticked him off. He had half a mind to take a cab to Angelo’s and drink himself senseless with the regulars. But what he really needed was somebody to talk to, and there was only one person who fit that bill.

Jake Miller.

He kept his fingers crossed that Jake would answer his cell phone. Nate still wanted to steer clear of Maddie for a while, since he was convinced she’d been the one who’d blabbed to Holly about the trade rumors. He would only end up getting into an argument with her about the slip, and that wouldn’t help anybody. Thankfully, Jake picked up after two rings and agreed to meet him at a quiet bar they liked in center city.

Nate got there early and had almost polished off his first beer when Jake’s huge frame angled through the small doorway, his movements surprisingly fluid and efficient for such a big guy. Nate stood and gave his pal a bear hug.

“Man, you sounded like shit on the phone,” Jake said, a frown creasing his features. “You don`t look so hot, either. What’s the hell`s going on?”

“It was weird,” Nate said, rubbing the back of his head. He’d had a headache for hours, and his shoulder didn’t feel great, either. “Especially since we`d had a fantastic time until we left for the airport.”

He brooded at his beer glass for a bit while his friend waited patiently for him to continue. “Basically, she asked me to promise that I wouldn’t have sex with anybody but her from now on.”

Jake’s eyes widened. “Okay, that was pretty direct of her. And you said…?”

Nate was about to answer when the server came over a plunked a coaster in front of Jake. He ordered a draft of Smithwick’s. Nate ordered another bottle of Sam Adams.

“I told her that was more or less the plan. But that wasn’t good enough for her. No, she wanted a
commitment
.” Nate made quotation marks with his fingers. “Demanded it, actually. So, I told her I thought it was still too early to be going down that road.”

“Uh, oh. Bet that went over like a stink bomb,” Jake said sympathetically.

“Oh, yeah. From that point, everything went down the chute in a hurry.”

Jake looked like he was thinking hard, so Nate didn’t jump in, even after a long silence. Finally, his friend opened his mouth. By the wary look on his face, Nate had a feeling he wouldn’t like what was coming.

“Well, don’t take this the wrong way, buddy,” Jake said apologetically, “but I can’t say I’m surprised she was so upset.”

Nate shook his head and muttered a curse.

“Relax. Just hear me out,” Jake added quickly. “You’re my best friend, and you know I’d take a bullet for you, just like you would for me. But on this one…well, I think I can see how Holly would be thinking.”

Nate raised his palms in a defensive gesture. “Okay, I get that. I’m not a moron. I know it’s not what she wanted to hear, but she didn’t have to go ballistic over it.”

“You don’t listen too good sometimes, do you?” Jake said sarcastically. “Anyway, as I was saying before you interrupted me, I don’t know Holly that well, but Maddie talks a lot about her. As far as I can tell, she’s been a workaholic all her life, and hasn’t exactly played the field, to put it mildly. But she’s in her early thirties, and she’s starting to think about settling down with somebody. Maybe even have kids.”

Kids.
Nate had never ruled that out, but when he looked at the mess his sister had created with her marriage, he was glad he didn’t have to face a decision on that any time soon. “Like I said,” he responded dryly, “it’s kind of early to be thinking that far ahead, isn’t it?”

“Maybe. But Maddie thinks Holly doesn’t want to put a lot of time and emotion into a relationship that’s not going to end up in the place she wants it to be. I can understand that—can’t you?” Jake paused for a moment as the server brought their beer. Then he drank about a third of his in one long swallow.

Nate took a drink, too, and let some silence linger between them. He didn’t want to answer Jake’s question directly, because that wasn’t the point. Instead, he said, “If she’s determined to find that kind of relationship, why the hell would she even bother to date me, man? Do I really look like the marrying kind?”

Jake gave him a long, steady look that made Nate want to shift in his seat. Jesus, was everyone going nuts on him today?

“Maddie and I still have our hopes,” his friend finally said. “And, speaking of hopes, it does appear that Holly got them up about you too fast. I agree that it wasn’t the smartest idea to push you for that kind of commitment yet. But that’s only because I know you a lot better than she does.”

“You got that right,” Nate said with a snort.

Surprisingly, Jake glowered at him. “Look, pal, it’s pretty obvious that she did what she did because she wants to be with you. You should feel flattered by that, because she’s pretty far above your pay grade, as far as I’m concerned.”

“Gee, thanks for that.” Nate hammered back another long drink.

“Just saying it like I’m seeing it. Holly’s insecure about you. With all the stories she’s heard about Nate Carter, the notorious stick man, how could she not be?” he said with a laugh. “Man, if she knew what I know. All those nights you’ve spent watching Masterpiece Theater and Antiques Road Show on PBS.”

“And you’d better leave that buried if you know what’s good for you,” Nate growled. Not that there was anything wrong with watching either show, but his viewing habits sure wouldn’t add to his reputation as a badass with the other ballplayers. “You finished now?”

“Yep. All done.”

Nate didn’t exactly like the message, but Jake was probably right. Holly had never ragged him about his dating history, even though he knew it bugged her. And he
was
flattered that she wanted him so much. He just didn’t know what to do with that kind of heavy emotion.

“I know she’s squirrely because she’s heard all those dumbass stories about me.” He took a long pull of his beer and set it down hard. “I guess my problem is that I can’t lie to Holly. A lot of guys would have told her what she wants to hear, then not changed a damn thing.”

Jake gave him a knowing smile. “Yeah, you’re right. But that’s not you.”

“Damn straight it’s not. If I make a promise, I’m going to keep it. And I won’t make a promise unless I’m a hundred percent sure I
can
keep it.”

“So, that means you’re not sure about your feelings for Holly? Or monogamy’s not in your DNA? Or both?”

Nate grimaced. They were starting to sound like a couple of girls.
Feelings
.
Emotions. Jesus, this is too weird.
“So, you’re Dr. Laura now?”

Nate sighed. “Nah, it’s probably better to get this shit out.” At least he could always depend on Jake to give him the straight goods.

“Probably,” his friend agreed. “You’re reminding me of a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse.”

Nate felt like that, too. If he had his arm back and a baseball in his hand, he might just have seen what a ninety-five mile per hour fastball would do to a sheetrock wall at twenty feet.

It wouldn’t be pretty.

Neither was this, since Jake was forcing him to confront what he’d always tried to avoid.

“Okay,” he said, “I’m sure of one thing. I’m sure I want to be with Holly more than I’ve ever wanted to be with anybody. But monogamy? Maybe someday. When I can’t throw a ball anymore. And maybe when I decide I want to have a kid to throw a ball around with.”

“But not now, right?”

Nate inhaled deeply as he thought again about the prospect of committing to Holly. Maybe he was a jerk, but it didn’t sit right, especially when he thought about the other women he still had some feelings for. He decided to get it out on the table.

“Jesus, Jake, you know how I feel about Samantha Rogers. I’ve been seeing her on and off for a couple of years. We’ve been...kind of close. And if I get traded to the Dodgers, we’ll be in the same city.”

Jake said nothing. He knew about Sam, of course.

Now that Nate had said it openly, he had to ponder the prospect that he’d so far been avoiding. His first reaction was that it felt more like an excuse than an argument. The team hadn’t been in L.A. since the day before he met Holly, and he’d barely thought about Sam since then.

Jake grinned. “Couldn’t blame her for that. Well, then, what about Holly? Think about it. Could you see yourself marrying Dr. Holly Bell?”

That’s where this conversation had been heading, and Nate was prepared for the question. “I’m not sure of anything other than I don’t want to end up with a trail of divorces behind me. I wouldn’t do that to Holly. Or myself.”

Jake’s grin vanished. He slowly shook his head. “You’re not your sister, Nate. It’s not genetic. Your parents have been married for what? Over thirty-five years?”

Jake didn’t understand. “I know,” Nate said. “But that was a different time. Things are different for Susie and me than they were for Mom and Dad. She keeps trying to find the right guy, but she can’t settle down. Not even after three divorces and two kids. It may not be in our genes, but we’re damn well cut from the same cloth, Susie and me.”

“Man, that’s nuts,” Jake said sharply. “Because you think it
might
not work out, you’re never going to be willing to try? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. And pretty immature, dude, if you ask me.”

“It’s one thing if it’s mutual,” Nate retorted. “Then you can walk away from it. But Susie torched her marriage every time, and a bunch of relationships before that. She leaves a hell of a lot of wreckage behind her when she bails out.”

He dropped his eyes, avoiding his friend’s penetrating gaze. “Holly’s not going to be my wreckage, Jake. I can’t do that, no matter how much I want to be with her.” He knew he sounded defensive, but suddenly he was tired. Tired of this discussion, tired of himself, and tired of feeling so bad about how he’d treated the sweetest woman he’d ever met.

But Jake wasn’t letting him off easy. He gave Nate a stony look and let him have it. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, or ever will have. Which is a damn good thing for you, since otherwise I’d be knocking some sense into that thick skull of yours right about now. Stop trying to be a martyr, for God’s sake, and stop using your family history as an excuse. Holly’s a grown woman. A smart and savvy grown woman. You don’t have to protect her against being hurt by you. She’ll do that on her own.” He stuck his elbows onto the table and leaned forward until he was practically in Nate’s face. “You need to figure out how you really feel about her
now
, my friend, not worry about what might or might not happen down the road. And you better do it sooner than later, because it sounds like the window might be closing.”

Nate couldn’t argue that. Holly had made her position clear. Sure, she might change her mind, but his gut told him it could just be wishful thinking. “Ah, hell. I just wanted to leave things like they are for now. Let what happens, happen.”

“I get that, but now she’s not playing that game, man. And I get the feeling Holly Bell doesn’t play games.” Jake sat back and pushed his chair away from the table. “Think about it this way. When a batter figures out that your curve can’t find the plate and starts sitting on your fastball, what do you do? Keep throwing the curve for balls? Or throw a fastball that the guy’s going hit out of the park?”

“Neither. I try to fool him with a change up or a splitter.”

“Exactly. Maybe it’s not a perfect analogy, but what I’m saying is that you’ve got to adapt with Holly, just like you adapt on the mound. She’s not willing to play by your rules. She’s on a different page, maybe even on a different chapter. You don’t want to commit, but you don’t want to let her walk away, either. So, you gotta come up with another option.”

Nate frowned. That sounded right. Trouble was, he still didn’t have a clue what to do. “Yeah, well, any brilliant ideas on that score?”