Hardball (31 page)

A hostess named Midori, tall and beautiful in a shimmering blue oriental dress, greeted him like an old friend. All five sushi chefs, busy wielding their flashing knives behind the counter at the front of the restaurant, smiled and waved in recognition. Within seconds, Midori had ensconced him in his favorite booth at the back. He’d barely sat down when a ceramic carafe of warm sake appeared in front of him.

He’d taken only a couple of sips when the bead curtains at the front parted and he saw Holly. She looked beautiful, as always, but tentative. Nervous. Well, he was damn nervous, too.

As Holly followed the hostess through the restaurant, Nate’s heart hammered in his chest. He’d been in agony since he got off the phone with her, wondering if she’d actually show up. Before yesterday, the thought would never have crossed his mind that she might blow him off because, well, that had
never
happened to him. But his former certainty had vanished. After yesterday,
anything
could happen and that knowledge set his teeth on edge.

Still, she’d come, and now he had a chance to make things right.

Holly moved gracefully across the dimly lit room, her long auburn hair glimmering in the reflected glow of the Japanese lanterns that hung from wooden pillars throughout the room. Her sleek and simple knit dress clung to her figure, hugging every sexy curve like a lover’s caress. Just looking at her made Nate’s body go hard and his brain start to turn mushy.

“Nate, I don’t mean to be a pill, but I’m starved. I barely ate today,” she said, momentarily dropping her gaze to her sake cup. She looked so pale and unhappy that it was all he could do not pull her across the table and into his arms.

He paused, watching her mouth as she sipped the hot broth. Damn, how he wanted to kiss those perfect lips. To run his hands down her slender shoulders to her breasts, following every curve of her body.

He relaxed a bit more, and decided to kick things off with something she’d find positive. “I got some good news from Dr. Morehouse today.”

She perked up a little. “What did he say?”

“That the shoulder’s healing faster than he expected. He said I should be able to start some soft-throwing soon. That’s a huge step.”

Her eyes narrowed with concern as she morphed into Dr. Holly. “And what happens after that?”

“Then I’ll start pitching to batters in practice, and after that I’ll have to throw what we call a simulated game. If all that goes well, I’ll go pitch a couple of minor league games on a rehab assignment. So, it’ll be a little while yet, but I’m really on the way back. Thank God.”

She nodded. “That’s wonderful news. Don’t push it too hard, though. You don’t want to reinjure yourself.”

“I know, Doctor,” he said. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of myself.” She obviously still cared about his health. He felt that was a good sign, and a good start to what was no doubt going to be a tough conversation.

He decided he might as well get right to it without waiting for the food to arrive. The ice had been broken, and the waiting was driving him crazy.

“Holly,” he began, “I hate that we had that fight, and I really want us to get past this thing. I still want to be with you. As much as ever.”

She sat back on the bench seat and wrapped her arms around her waist, a classic defensive gesture for her. “Okay, but get past it how, Nate?”

He gave her what he hoped was an encouraging smile. “I don’t know whether you’ll agree with me, but here’s what I think.”

God that sounded lame
. Like he was negotiating with his agent, or something.

Holly simply nodded for him to continue.

O-kay.
It was going to be up to him, obviously. What he was going to say was probably wishful thinking, but it was all he’d been able to come up with. And as much as he was willing to say.

“Holly, I know that sometimes when people have a fight, they decide to work it out by just rewinding the clock. Instead of digging themselves into an even deeper hole, they agree to start over again. To go back to what was good between them, instead of staying stuck on something lousy that happened.”

A flush of color crept up her neck, but she remained silent.

“I know you want more from me, and I’d like to be able to give it to you,” he continued. “But I need more time. So, the way I see it, if we plow all that same ground over and over again, it’ll just make things worse. But if we focus on all the good things we have going between us, we’ll find a way to get past this.” He locked his gaze onto her eyes. “Things will sort themselves out in time. In a natural way.”

He wasn’t quite sure what that last bit meant, but it sounded right to his ears.

Holly quickly looked down, refusing to meet his gaze. He groaned inside.
This is going to be even harder than I thought
.

Her stoic silence twisted him in knots. He didn’t want to keep blabbing, but he couldn’t seem to shut his mouth. “Holly, ever since the day I met you, I feel like something’s changed in my life.”

That was the truth, and he was still trying to figure it out and get past the fact that it freaked him out.

Holly gazed back up at him, but with an unreadable expression. “What’s changed, Nate?”

He repressed a sigh. Clearly she wasn’t going to let him get away with a squirming
I don’t know
. How the hell was he going to put what he was feeling into words that didn’t sound stupid? He was no dummy, but he wasn’t a wordsmith, either. And for sure not as eloquent as Holly.

But he had to try. “This probably isn’t going to come out right,” he said defensively. “But I need you to understand where I come from when it comes to women. And where I come from, I guess, is fun. Women are fun, and women like to have fun with me. Until now, I’ve never expected anything more from them, and I don’t think they’ve ever expected anything more from me. That’s always been unspoken but understood. And when the fun was over, it was over, and I moved on. That was my life, Holly. Maybe it’s shallow, but it worked for me.”

He wasn’t finished, but the expression on her face—one that mixed anger and hurt—stopped him cold.

“Fun, Nate?” she bit out in a choked little voice. “Is that still all there’s ever going to be for you? You’re content to fritter away your life running after whatever turns you on at the moment?”

Nate gritted his teeth. He was trying hard to talk about his feelings—something he found damn hard to do—and she was mocking him. “Jesus, give me a little credit, will you? I said that
was
my life. Past tense. Why don’t you let me finish?”

She flinched. “Okay,
was
,” she said. “I apologize. Go on.”

Damn. He had to keep better control over his emotions, and not sound like such a hardass. But this had to be the toughest conversation he’d ever had.

He paused to regroup, moving to refill their cups from the carafe. When he tried to top up Holly’s, she waved him off, claiming she had surgery in the morning.

A couple of moments of awkward silence passed before he tried again. “It’s easy to get…well, spoiled,” he said. “The team pays me so much money that I’ve been able to have pretty much everything I’ve wanted—great places to live, the finest cars, eating in the best restaurants. You name it.”

“I know it sounds like I’m making excuses for myself,” he said doggedly. He
had
to make her see. “Like my privileged life should give me a free pass or something. Well, I’m not. I just want you to understand what it’s been like. I’m not asking for your approval.”

Her eyes seemed to search his. “Are you sure?”

He inhaled deeply. “No. Just for your understanding. These feelings I have for you, well, they’re all new to me.” He spread out his hands, as if pleading with her. “Holly, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I know what I want. Not yet. But I know what I
don’t
want. I don’t want to lose you.” He gazed into her eyes, hoping for some hint that he might be getting through to her. But all he could see was sorrow and resignation.

Shit, shit, shit.
He’d never talked this much about feelings in the whole rest of his life put together. Women did that feelings stuff, not guys. Yet here he was, blabbing away while Holly barely said a word. The shoe was on the other foot for once in his life, and it didn’t fit worth a damn. He was clearly fucking up big time, blowing what was probably his last chance with her.

Nate steeled himself for one more shot. “Holly, I want to try to make this work. Please give it some more time. You’re good for me, and I know I can be good for you, too.”

Holly’s dismay had grown steadily from the moment Nate opened his mouth. He’d gone on and on, but all the words were simply a repackaging of the things he’d said to her on the trip back from Florida. The wrapping was prettier, and maybe he even believed it made a difference, but in the end nothing substantive had changed. He still didn’t know what he wanted, which could all too easily translate into something
she
didn’t want. As for his idea of turning back the clock, how was that even possible? It made no sense to her.

Yes, he seemed anxious, almost desperate, to keep her in his life. And yes, he’d said words about wanting to change. But it was like trying to grab hold of a cloud of smoke. She’d searched hard for something tangible to grasp, because she wanted to find something to keep their relationship alive. But she’d be damned if she’d delude herself again.

And he’d totally avoided the big ticket issue—fidelity.

“You’re not going to give me a chance, are you?” he asked with a grim expression.

The server approached with the vegetable tempura, so Holly took the opportunity to gather her thoughts before responding to his question. The soup bowls were quietly whisked away and the tempura set between them. Though her insides were churning with tension and tears threatened, she willed herself to stay strong. She picked up her chopsticks, more because she wanted to do something with her hands than from a desire to eat. In fact, she’d lost any appetite she’d had.

Lord, Holly. Get it over with!

“A chance? Nate, I wish I could give you what you want, but I have to give
myself
a chance first. Don’t you understand? What’s going to happen a month from now, or six months from now? Picture it. I’m here in Philly, totally and hopelessly in love with you, and you’re in L.A. or some other baseball town. You’re dating some model because, after all, you just can’t help it, can you? Those damn girls won’t leave you alone, so what’s a guy going to do, right?”

She didn’t really want to sound bitter or sarcastic, but figured she failed miserably.

He started to protest but she held up a hand. “Meanwhile, I’m back here at home, falling apart, no damn good to my patients or anybody else. I’m a surgeon. I can’t afford to let myself get emotionally destroyed by an unreliable relationship.”

When he stayed silent, sitting there shaking his head, she put the chopsticks down and clenched both her fists. “Nate, I don’t need a crystal ball to see that scenario unfolding. Sure, there’s a chance it wouldn’t happen, but I can’t afford to play the odds. Maybe you think I’m a coward, but better to end it now before we hurt each other a lot more than we already have.”

Nate started to reply, but stopped abruptly, looking as if he’d bitten back words. He refilled his cup and drained it in one swallow before finding his voice.

“I hear you. You’ve made up your mind, so I’m just wasting my breath.” He sounded angry now, but still controlled. “But I’m not going to let you go before saying one more thing.” He gazed straight into her eyes. “For God’s sake, Holly, don’t you know how simple it would be to tell you what you want to hear? I could say all the right words, but not actually change a damn thing. Instead, I’m being completely honest with you. I’m telling you I want to try—to do my best. But you’re not willing to give me a chance.”