Happily Ever After: The Life-Changing Power of a Grateful Heart (10 page)

And then something happened. Sarah asked if I could use her help.

A moment later I was cutting the cake and Sarah was scooping the ice cream. We were side by side. It was then and there, in that very moment, I knew it wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about us. It was about the boys. It was about forgiveness. And most of all, it was about love.

Fast forward more than four years and Sarah and Kyle are married. I, too, have found love again. I married Rhys last October. And today, long after divorce, I consider my family to be progressive, healthy, and according to many who know us, even inspirational.

Our Modern Family exists because of a conscious choice to put our children first. Once that determination was made,
the fruits of that decision included a continued friendship post-marriage with my ex, and eventually new friendships between all four of the adults involved. Sarah and Rhys not only support and encourage the “Joy Division” as we know it today, but they are an integral part of it.

I genuinely want to alert others to the possibilities of what life can be like after divorce. It is possible to reboot and achieve a symbiotic, thriving family dynamic. Sure, if one person in the group had not had the same vision, none of this would be possible. But ours is love—divided, and conquered.

S
PEAK
N
OW OR
F
OREVER
H
OLD
Y
OUR
P
EACE

I know many people hate them, but I love surprises. My husband knows this about me and has a way of pulling off a surprise without my having the faintest idea that something special is headed my way. I guess that’s what a surprise is all about.

On our first anniversary, we were offered the opportunity to shoot a show called
Trista and Ryan’s Honeymoon Hotspots
for the Travel Channel. Due to our business schedules, we weren’t able to travel to all ten international destinations on the list, but we weren’t complaining when we got the green light to head to our first choice: South Africa. Not only were we able to arrange a dream vacation to a place neither of us had ever been, but we scheduled it around our first wedding anniversary so we could celebrate it in an extra-special way.

The trip was nothing short of spectacular (including a little surprise I arranged to have a local African minister renew our vows), but what I remember most about it was a note I
received a couple weeks after we got home. I could describe it to you, but after correcting a bit of fading, I thought it would be more fun to show you:

My hubby had purchased, written, and sent a postcard to me during our trip without tipping me off. So that I never forget the ultra-sweet gesture, I keep the card right at eye level in front of my desk. The writing is faded and the stamp is torn, but the sentiment will never get old.

According to a study by Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of
5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great
, the happiest couples are those who often say thank you to each other. In an article for the
Huffington Post
, Orbuch wrote that 61 percent of the couples she studied “said that their spouses ‘often’ made them feel good about the kind of person they are.” The gratitude she studied came from “words, gestures or acts”
that let partners know that they were “noticed, appreciated, respected, loved or desired.” She didn’t mention exorbitant purchases or fantastical adventures. She mentioned words, kindnesses, and small gestures—the little things of this life (such as a poem about socks or even the socks themselves).

I’ll never forget the day Ryan was at work and I found a sweet surprise on the shower wall. He had used the letters the kids play with in the bath to spell out “ILU”—our abbreviation for “I love you.” The rest of the day, I couldn’t stop smiling.

So sweet. So simple. So incredibly special.

Another wonderful gesture came on our copper anniversary, aka anniversary number seven. He called his poem “A Pound of Pennies for My Thoughts” and included an actual pound of shiny new pennies from the US Mint. I’ve edited his poem a touch, because there are a few parts I’d like to keep private (if you catch my drift), but here are the meat and potatoes:

A Pound of Pennies for My Thoughts

A pound of pennies,

One for each thought

Or each reason or each cause

Or each lesson you’ve taught

Or each moment I’ve realized

How much I love you.

How much I love you because of . . .

Your smile

Your love

The way you care so much

The way you love your kids

The way you love me

Your toes

How you look in jeans

That you let me be me

Your forgiveness

That you only buy white cars

You moved to the mountains

You want to stay in the mountains

Your charity

Your loyalty

You hate my black socks

Your thoughtful gifts

You in a pony tail

You’re ticklish

How you make pumpkin pie

You never miss a “favorite part of the day”

When I’m your “favorite part of the day”

How the kids love you

That I’ll always love you

That you’ll always love me

You are a good friend

You are a great friend

You are my best friend

That you’re my wife

That we’ve been married 7 years

That we’ll be married 7 more, and 7 more . . .

That this list was really easy

That your last name is Sutter

That I love you more . . .

Have you shown your partner you appreciate him or her lately? Whether it’s through a hug, a note, or even a simple thank-you, tell your partner while you have the chance. As the great French novelist Marcel Proust said, “Let’s be grateful for those who give us happiness; they are the charming gardeners who make our soul bloom.”

You never know what tomorrow will bring, but you certainly have the power to share the happiness you feel today. I’ve even included a list of suggestions so you can’t use the excuse that you couldn’t think of anything!

            
  
Send them flowers or a cool bamboo plant at work with a note that says “I miss you.”

            
  
On a starry night, put the kids to bed, break open a bottle of your favorite “poison,” lay down side by side on a cozy blanket, and watch for shooting stars. Make wishes for each other and your future.

            
  
Carve your initials on a tree that stands in a spot your partner won’t be able to miss—maybe it’s on a favorite hiking trail, or maybe it’s in your front yard. Just make sure it’s at eye level.