Gator (8 page)

Gator

The next few
days are like paradise. I rarely think of my past and the city no longer crowds
me. I’m like a new man and Mia’s smile keeps me grounded in this better life.

Longing to
take her to Nicaragua, I want to show Mia the house I’m having built. Our home
should be nearly ready by now and I want to christen every room with her scent.
It’s time to make my dream a reality with a woman who sees my every flaw, yet
whispers her love.

Until the job
is done and Carz is dead, we can’t leave the city. I need to get back to
killing, but it’s too tempting to remain in the fancy hotel with my beautiful
Mia.

Her mind is
on my job too as we rest in the room after a few hours of inappropriate play in
the pool.

“Do you like
killing people?” she asks, scooting closer.

Inhaling her
clean scent, I adjust on the couch and think about taking her back to bed. It’s
nearly killing me to restrain my needs, but I focus on her question.

“Yeah,” I
say. “Killing gives me power. I never had any and now I do. The people I kill
are scum, so I make the world better by destroying them. No downside to my
work.”

“Do you ever
feel sad?”

“About what?”

“The person
dying.”

“They’re
scum.”

Mia frowns.
“You were going to kill me.”

“No, I
wasn’t.”

“Because I’m
yours.”

Smiling
slightly, I nod. “I wouldn’t have killed you anyway. You’re just a kid. When
Carz gave me the list, he said you were an old whore. I think he knew I
wouldn’t want to kill you. Maybe the fucker thought I was stupid and wouldn’t
take a look at you. Doesn’t matter now. I didn’t kill you and I’m going to kill
him.”

“Why?”

“He wants you
dead. Eventually, he might realize you aren’t dead and think he needs to fix
that. I can’t have him messing with my woman. Best to kill him first.”

“But you’re
killing those other people for him.”

“Yeah. I plan
to get paid by Carz then kill Carz. Do you not like that plan?”

Mia smiles at
me and I sense she likes my plan a lot.

“After he’s
dead, we’ll go to Nicaragua. I’m looking to take a long vacation. Maybe retire.
I’ve got the money as long as I don’t go blowing it on stupid shit. I don’t
normally stay at hotels like this one. Don’t need to, but I wanted you
somewhere nice. Clean and safe.”

Scooting
closer, Mia smiles again and I think about how she feels under me. I remember
how she watches me when I moved inside her. She’s fascinated about me. More so
every day as she wakes from the darkness she hid in for so long. I catch her
smiling at me when she thinks I’m not looking. I love that smile. It’s the
smile of the woman I deserve and I demand nothing less than her perfection.

Gator

In my dream, I’m
back in the swamp. Sitting on the porch of our shack house, Mom doesn’t react
when I approach. Her face is swollen and bruised from the asshole’s last drunken
outburst. When he slapped me, I ran and didn’t look back. Apparently, my mother
wasn’t so quick.

“He’s in
town,” she says to me as I stand on the steps and stare at her. “I oughta run
while he’s gone, but I can’t, can I?”

Remaining
silent, I learned years ago how a beating from her was only slightly less
painful than from the old man. Mom sizes me up.

“I know it’s
not your fault I’m trapped here,” she says, sighing wearily. “Even so, I would
ditch you in a minute to be free.”

Even hating
her, I wake up with a sense of loss over my dead mother. Mia is gentle in a way
the woman who created me never was and I crave what I never enjoyed.

My hands
reach for Mia in the dark room, but her side of the bed is empty. I glance at
the bathroom to find the light off. Mia always turns on the light because she’s
scared of the dark. She never told me she’s frightened without the lights on,
but I know her.

Mia is on the
couch, shaking and crying. She flinches away when I join her then reaches for
me. I wrap her in my arms and absorb her panic.

“I had a bad
dream,” she whimpers against my chest. “I dreamed you never came. I only dreamed
you came. I woke up and you weren’t real and I was back with Rodent. I wanted
to die when I dreamed that.”

“I’m real and
you’re mine.”

“I wanted to
die when I thought it was real,” she sobs.

No words will
ease her fear and pain. Another man might simply lie, but what’s the point? She
knows the truth. The life she lived was hell. She’s in paradise now, but the
past wants her back. It always does and I feel it clawing at me as I hold her.

An hour
passes as she rests in my arms. Terrified to sleep, she fears she’ll wake to
find this too was the dream. I hold her and think of the swamp. How I would sit
in the mud to keep cool. How the wounds on my face and body went untreated and
grew infected. How hungry I would get until I’d eat dirt and bugs to make the
pain stop. The swamp was hell, but I dug my way out. Now, I need to help Mia
find her freedom.

Carrying her
into the shower, I see how tired she is as she stares up at me. She wants to
sleep and struggles to keep her eyes open. The minute the hot water rushes over
her head, Mia releases a painful sigh.

“If this is a
dream and I wake up with Rodent, I’m killing myself,” she whispers as I suck at
her throat, just over her pulse.

“Okay.”

Mia wraps her
arms around me, hides her face in the crook of my neck, and fights sleep. She
doesn’t come when I’m inside her. Mia doesn’t make a sound and I feel the past
winning its battle over her.

Her skin is
damp as I rest her on the bed. She tells me again how she’ll kill herself if
this is a dream. I agree with her plan, knowing it won’t happen. She is limp
under me. Her body remains unresponsive despite the passion of my movements.

“Your name is
Jake and you’re real,” she says during our third time together.

“Your name is
Mia and you’re mine,” I reply as my hips thrust forward steadily.

Half asleep,
Mia smiles and her body awakens. Her pussy tightens around my cock and she
lifts up her hips to move with me. When she comes, the pleasure is sedated from
her fatigue. Yet, she smiles at me.

“I love you,”
she whispers.

Even wanting
to say the words, I don’t. Not while I’m inside her or when she’s cuddled
against me, relaxed after two hours of vigorous fucking. Only when she’s breathing
softly in her sleep do I speak the words.

I always
promised I would fear nothing, yet I’m afraid. Too much of the child Jake
filters into my thoughts. He only wants to survive for another day. He has no
dreams. After his mother is gone, he loves no one, not even himself. This Jake
corrupts the man I am now. The man I need to be to make Mia happy and seize my
paradise.

As I fall
asleep, I imagine myself back in the swamp. The kid Jake stands before me,
wanting nothing and hating everything. We stare at each other. I know he would
kill me for a warm meal and I don’t blame him. I still lift my gun and fire. In
my mind, he is dead and I survive. Tomorrow, I live again without fear.

Mia

Jake scares most
people as we walk the streets. He is a warrior in a world of wimps and they need
him to pretend otherwise. Jake refuses to return their fake smiles. He won’t
bend to their desires. This place is beneath him and its residents hate the
truth.

Sometimes,
Jake holds my hand. Other times, he lets it go and walks ahead of me. I ignore
his moods until he walks too fast. Jake assumes I’m behind him and crosses the
street. Only when he reaches the other side does he notice I’m gone.

Seeing the
panic in his eyes, I wave. He spots me, sees my smile, and glares. I’ve angered
him, but he wants to be cold. Well, I can be cold too. Not as well as him, but I’m
struggling to have worth. Jake says I need to demand it, so I remain on the
street and wait for him to return.

“What?” he
asks, glaring down at me.

“You walk too
fast.”

Jake wants to
complain. He’s used to the world fearing him. I fear him too, but I stare into
his beautiful eyes and pretend he’s not a menacing figure looming over me.

“You’re
lying,” he finally says.

“I know.”

Jake gives me
a grin, takes my hand, and pulls me across the street. We walk for another
twenty minutes before he takes an interest in a classic tee shop. Inside, Jake
seems like he might buy a few things. Following him around, I play with the
loops on his jeans. He peeks back at me, but doesn’t smile. Based on his
expression, he wants to fuck. It’s the way he watches me when he’s hard, so I
smile and return to playing with the loops.

“Gator, man.”

The voice is
familiar and I don’t want to look. Jake turns towards it and sizes up the man.

“Vic,” Jake
says and I lower my head. “You look alive.”

I turn to see
Vic laugh. He knows Jake well enough to understand that is his version of a
compliment.

“Classy,” Vic
says then focuses on me. “Ain’t he a charmer, Gidget?”

Hearing that
name makes me feel like I’m a whore again. Keeping my head down, I want to
disappear, but there’s nowhere to go.

“Never much
of a talker,” Vic says and smiles at Jake. “Having a nice ride on the Idget
train?”

“It’s not
bad. Wanna join me?”

Vic licks his
lips and glances between us. He’s not sure if Jake’s kidding. I’m trying to
tell the same thing. Nothing on Jake’s face seems like he’s joking.

“Really?” Vic
asks, adjusting his jeans.

“Sure. Same
old shit gets dull, you know?”

“Yeah. I like
to keep it kinky too, man.”

Jake gestures
for Vic to follow and we walk outside to the busy street.

“I got a safe
house that’s nice and private,” Jake says, stretching his arms high into the
air. “Camera equipment too, if you get my meaning?”

Vic looks at
me and I nearly vomit.

“Gidget is
photogenic, man. You want me to follow you?”

“No. I don’t
want strange cars near my safe house. I’ve got people keeping an eye out for
trouble. I’ll drive.”

While we walk
to the SUV, I wait for Jake to signal me that it’s a joke. I think back to the
street when I messed with him. I hope he’s messing with me, but he seems mad. I
thought we were equals, but he never says he loves me. I always just figured he
did. I also thought I was smart enough to mess with Jake. This is my punishment
for forgetting I’m dumb.

Gator

Vic licks his
lips a lot. I never noticed this habit until we reach the alley. He’s jumpy
too, but I sense he’s clean. Whatever his fucking problem is, Vic needs a good
beating.

In the
backseat, Mia disappears into herself. Hating the look on her face, I don’t
understand it either. She’s back to hiding in her head like when we met. Either
she believes I’ll share her with Vic or she knows I’ll kill him. I don’t know
what she thinks will happen next, but it scares her.

Pulling the
SUV into an alley next to an abandoned building I use as a safe house, I notice
Vic is licking his lips again. He’s thinking about Mia and imagining her
flavor. I refuse for his last thought to be the taste of my woman.

Once out of the
SUV, Vic looks around. “You got a lot of fucking hidey-holes, don’t you, man?”

“I’m a
regular James Bond,” I tell him as Mia shuffles after us.

When she
peeks out from behind her hair, Vic reaches to touch her face. His hand nearly
grazes her cheek and she makes no effort to dodge him. She will submit and I understand
why she’s scared.

I smack away
Vic’s hand. As he frowns at me, I lift Mia’s chin to force her gaze to meet
mine. She’s lost in her head, remembering her life as a whore. She’s so deeply
back in her old hell that she’s forgotten who she is now.

“Who are
you?” I ask, needing her to remember.

Her blue eyes
blink twice then she shakes her head. Seeing her trapped in the memories, I
answer for her.

“You’re Mia.”

Vic grumbles
under his breath, but I don’t hear him. I just wait for Mia to understand. When
she breaks through the past horrors and sees what we have now, the light
awakening in her eyes distracts me. I can’t see anything beyond her. She’s Mia
and I don’t share.

“What’s the
fucking deal, Gator?” Vic bitches. “Don’t get greedy, man.”

“Stop calling
me man,” I say, breaking free of Mia’s gaze.

Vic starts to
bitch again until my fist meets his throat, breaking the windpipe. He makes a
weird noise and falls against the wall. Seeing Vic reach for his back pocket, I
kick him hard in the stomach and the fucker topples forward. He’s turning a
shade of grey and I know he’ll be dead soon. I don’t care about him though.

Cradling
Mia’s face in my hands, I whisper, “Did you forget who you are?”

The fear and
pain her eyes rip me up until I want to rip Vic limb from limb. She nods while
tugging gently at my shirt.

“What do they
call me?” I ask.

“Gator.”

“Does a man
like me share his woman?”

Mia shakes
her head. “I’m yours.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry I
forgot.”

Kissing her
forehead, I glance at a now dead Vic. I look back at Mia and find her staring
at my face as if memorizing it.

“After I got
out of the swamp, I’d forget sometimes too. People would treat me like I wasn’t
used to being treated and I’d feel weird. Like I didn’t know how to be Gator. I
only knew how to be my dad’s punching bag.”

Mia reaches
up and caresses my lips. Though her gaze hypnotizes me, I look away and deal
with Vic. The sewer grate pops up with minor effort and I toss it aside. A
moment later, Vic flops into the sewer and floats away with the other trash. After
Mia stares down the hole the bastard disappeared inside, she looks up at me and
reaches for my lips again.

“He hurt
you,” I said.

“He wasn’t so
mean.”

“He fucked a
child prostitute. That quick death was more than he deserved. Besides, he’d
have squealed to Carz. I want to get paid by the fucker before I kill him.”

“I’m sorry I
forgot. I’ll remember next time.”

Returning the
grate to its place, I take Mia’s hand. “There won’t be a next time. We need to
finish up and get the fuck out of this place. I don’t want you thinking you’re
Gidget ever again.”

Mia nods, but
she seems tired now. Fear will wear down a person until they can’t fight any
longer.

“He liked
toys,” she mumbles in the car as we drive back to the hotel.

“What kind?
Show me and I’ll make you only see me when you think of them.”

Mia glances
at me and I can’t read her expression. She is someone different as she watches
me and I don’t know what will happen next. It wouldn’t even surprise me if she
jumps from the moving car. In that moment, she’s a mystery.

“Okay,” she
finally says. “I hate this place.”

Mia leans her
head against the window and I think she might cry. She doesn’t though. Instead,
she stares at the sky and struggles with the past.

“Our house
has a big front porch,” I tell as we drive to the shop where I will find what I
need to make her mine. “It faces towards the ocean, so we can sit out there and
watch the water.”

When Mia
glances at me, I see a little light breaking through the darkness in her eyes.

“I like the
ocean,” I tell her, pulling into the parking lot of Lola’s Sex Emporium. “It
feels like forever and I can breathe. When I’m near the ocean, I’m free of the
swamp in a way no other place allows.”

“I’ll like
the ocean too,” Mia says like she’s challenging the world to stop her. “I’ll
sit next to you and be free too.”

I want to say
something. Mia is hurting and the night will bring more pain. To own every part
of her and destroy the power of her past, I’ll have to hurt her tonight. She
knows this fact, but gets out of the car anyway. Mia demands to be free and I’ll
help her, even if I can’t find the words.