Gator (6 page)

“No,” she
says like I’m being stupid.

“Good. I
don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t let you go.”

“If I was
stronger than you, I wouldn’t let you go either. I’d tie you up and keep you.”

I laugh and
she follows my lead. Even unsure if what I feel is love or simple obsession, I’m
relieved she wants to stay. I know she likes her gift and wants to play with
it. Mia aches to learn, but she stays close to me while I brood on the balcony.
I hate the city, but it feels bigger when she’s next to me. As if her eyes are
the doorways to a place with boundless freedom.

Gator

Hunting for
my next target, I take Mia along for the ride. I try to think of her as my
assistant, but I don’t tell her where we’re going, who we’re hunting, and I
certainly don’t have her carry my crap like I did with Grim.

Even knowing
Mia shouldn’t be on my surveillance trip, I need her close. My patience for
city life is limited lately. I want to kill these fucks fast and get out of
town. I’m losing my focus, but Mia calms the noise in my head and the hate in
my belly.

While I watch
the bar my target frequents, a frowning Mia works on her tablet in the
passenger seat. She finally looks at me like she might cry. I glance at the
tablet then back at her. Mia doesn’t cry, only sighs and pulls off the
headphones.

I want to
touch her, yet keep my hands safely on the wheel. “Little kids take years to
learn to read. You can’t expect to know how after a few hours.”

“I’m not a
little kid.”

“I guess,” I
mutter, still wondering if I’m falling for a child in the shell of a woman.

Mia stares at
me wide-eyed and smiles brighter than I’ve seen her smile before.

“You think
that’s funny?” I ask, grumpy despite her smile.

I know it’s
coming, but the sound of her laughter startles me. She bursts into giggles and
sets the tablet on the car floor. Turning around on her knees, Mia looks at me
and laughs harder.

“What’s so
funny?” I ask, wanting to be angry. She’s getting on my nerves, but she’s also
laughing in the most perfect way. I fight a smile, instead glaring at her. This
causes Mia to laugh harder until she snorts. Finally, I laugh too because she’s
nearly crying from laughing so hard.

“You look
funny when you get angry,” she says, caressing my face.

Instantly, my
laughter ends and I nearly pull her into my lap. Mia ignores the way I grip the
steering wheel as she rubs her lips along the scar at my jaw. I don’t even
remember how I got that one. Probably hunting for food back in the swamp.

Closing my
eyes, I let her touch me while my hands remain locked to the steering wheel.
She lacks any seduction to her movements. Only curiosity and tenderness. I’ve
never had a woman touch me with such care.

When I open
my eyes, she’s studying my face while holding it in her hands.

“You’re
afraid to hurt me,” she whispers.

“Yes.”

“I’m strong
enough to give whatever you need to take.”

I study her
clear eyes and feel the rage boiling up inside me. Grabbing her jaw, I startle
her, but not much. She’s used to rough handling by men.

“You think it
doesn’t matter if I hurt you, right?” I growl. “You think you already got
cleaned up and I bought you that reading toy and everything is fucking fine, so
I can treat you like shit. You think you don’t deserve as much as you got and
you should be happy with anything. Is that what you think?”

Mia says
nothing. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I assume the worst. I assume she
agrees with my words and my rage grows.

“When I got
to New Orleans, I was a half breed swamp rat who could barely write his own
name. I was the son of a murderer and his victim. I could have been happy to
wipe asses and kiss feet. I could have bowed to others and begged for scrapes.
I didn’t do that shit because I’m not what my parents made me. I’m what I
decide I want to be.”

Mia’s gaze
softens and she studies my face. I know she’s going to touch me and I’m right.
Her fingers linger over my tight lips and they relax under her touch.

“You are
special,” she whispers in my ear and I wrap her in my arms. “You are
everything.”

“You see me
the way I want to be seen. You need to see yourself the way I see you. Don’t
settle. Want it all.”

“I want you,”
she says so softly I barely hear her.

“Want more.”

“I want to
stay with you forever.”

I let one
hand slide across her tit, cupping it gently. The nipple hardens under my
touch, but I just hold her and do no more.

As she
relaxes against me, I think about forever. “Why would anyone move here?” I ask,
watching the bar while she leans her head against my chest. “I saw someone
moving into an apartment and thought why? A big ass world to choose from and
they want to be here.”

“People are
different. Some are stupid. Some are you.”

Grinning
against her soft hair, I realize she’s not so clueless. One day, her pale skin
will be bronze from the sun. Her mind will be full of knowledge Rodent never
allowed her to have. Her body will be stronger and maybe even filled with my
child.

When I imagine
us on the beach, the ocean steals away all of the ugliness of our past. We can find
peace if I finish this job and get out of the city. A part of me knows I could
just leave, but walking away from an assignment feels cowardly and I refuse to
fear anything.

Gator

My target
never shows, so I take Mia out for dinner before returning to the hotel. Finding
something loud and stupid on the TV, I hope for time to relax. My mind can’t
stop thinking about the feel of her tit in my hand. I want to touch her now, but
I don’t know what will make fucking her special. I’m still waiting for
something.

Mia isn’t
watching television. She’s watching me and I like her gaze focused on only me.
Even while I pretend to care about the Stallone movie, I savor her attention.
Finally, I peek at Mia.

“What?”

“What was
your mom and dad?”

Lifting an
eyebrow, I study her. “Shifty fucks. Why?”

Mia looks
around like the answer to her confusion is on the walls.

“What did you
mean?” I ask when she remains confused.

Sitting on
her knees, Mia runs her fingers against my forearm. “You aren’t like me. White,
I mean. My mom and Rodent were white. You’re something else.”

“Does that
bother you?”

Behind the
confusion, her expression holds a hint of irritation. “I think you’re
beautiful.”

Damn.
How does she
possess the power to turn me inside out with a single compliment? Am I a blushing
bitch now? A virgin batting his eyes at the pretty girl?

Without responding
to her question, I cup her face and she immediately leans into my touch. Those
blue eyes close halfway and she exhales softly.

A minute or
ten pass as I hold her face, caressing her cheek with my thumb. I relax into
the warmth she shows me in those eyes.

“My mother
was Hawaiian and Mexican. Dad was a pale as shit fuck Irishman.”

Mia stares at
me, unbothered by how I’ve stopped touching her. “Your mom is dead?”

“My dad
killed her. She wanted to leave the swamp, so he killed her and fed her to the gators
that lived nearby.”

Shrinking
away, Mia again looks for the answers to her problems on the walls. She scoots
closer and places her hand on mine.

“I’m sorry your
dad was a bad man like Rodent.”

“He was an
accountant,” I say, smiling despite my hatred for the man. “Worked for the
Irish mob in Jersey and skimmed money for years until he had enough to run. The
thing about the mob is they can’t let you run. They have to hunt you down and
kill you. It’s the big dog thing. If a powerful person lets a smaller person
beat them down or make them the sap, no one will respect the big dog anymore.
So my dad ran and ran until he ended up hiding in a shithole in the swamps of
Louisiana. He gave up a nice life for a better life and ended up worse off.
That was the fucker in a nutshell.”

“What’s a
swamp like?”

“Dirty, hot,
and dirty some more. We had no TV and electricity came and went. Dad was
sitting on millions, but he couldn’t use it. He had to hide or die. All that
money sat in a duffle bag and he only used enough to keep him alive. Most of it
was still there when I killed him.”

“Because he
killed your mom?”

The past is
so ugly, but Mia’s gaze proves beauty exists. Studying her soft expression, I
find the strength to talk about a time I wish I could forget.

“Yeah, but
not right away. He hooked up with a new girl. Linda was a trailer trash slut
and cried too much. Dad wasn’t such a smart guy and he was meaner than anyone I
ever met until your fucking rodent father. He was good looking though and lied
really nice. Young women fell for his shit a lot and they ended up in that
swamp. Eventually, they ended up as gator food like my mom.”

Mia’s hand
remains on mine and I decide to keep talking. “I was sixteen when I went
hunting for something to eat. Little animals, fish, whatever I could find. Dad
was in a bitchy little mood because he’d gotten rid of Linda and was lonely or
something. I didn’t care about him by then. I hadn’t cared for a while. I kept
my head down and took care of myself. That day, I found a shred of Linda’s
shirt hanging from a gator’s mouth. It was vegging in the heat and I imagined
my mother’s shirt hanging from its mouth. I wasn’t really angry. I know that sounds
like bullshit. Like I wanted vengeance, but I didn’t. I just decided that was
the day I rid the world of Dougie James. I can tell you the world didn’t miss
him in the least after I snapped his neck and tossed him into the swamp for the
gators.”

Mia’s fair
blue eyes watch my face then she nods. “It’s good you killed him.”

“Yeah,” I
say, taking her hand in mine and noticing for the first time the little scars
on her palm. “After I was done with his body, I dug out the bag of money, took
the only picture of my mom I had, and left the swamp. Ended up in a nearby town
then in New Orleans where I found work. I could have lived off the money, but I
wanted to do something. I tried roofing and fixing cars. Didn’t have a taste
for that shit, so I ended up killing. Turned out, I had not only a taste for
the work, but a talent too. It’s not as easy as it looks to kill people. You
need to be quiet, patient, and know when to go in soft and when to burn the
place to the ground. A lot of guys never figure that shit out and end up dead
or in jail. I’ve been doing this over ten years without a problem.”

With her free
hand, Mia caresses the scar running from my eyebrow to mid-cheek. Her fingers
are cool against my skin and I feel my need for her intensify. How long before
I lose control and simply take what I want?

“Is this from
your job?” she asks, scooting closer.

“My dad in a
bad mood.”

“It’s good
you killed him,” she says again and I sense anger in her words.

Even worrying
over her answer, I ask the question. “Is your mother alive? Do you want to find
her?”

Mia backs off
and her fingers slip out of my hand. “No, Rodent said she was dead. If she’s
not, I don’t care. I hate her.”

“Why? Did
Rodent tell you something about her to make you hate her?” I ask, wondering if
he stole her away from a good life.

Lowering her
head, Mia balls her hands and hides them in her lap. “She liked drugs and drank
too much. We were always moving and she never had money. She was a whore to
make money, but that wasn’t enough.”

Lifting her
gaze to mine, she finishes her sentence with a pained expression in her eyes.

“How did you
end up with Rodent?” I ask, unable to stop myself.

Mia blinks a
few times and opens her mouth, but she doesn’t respond right away. When she
does, I feel her leaving me. She is in the past, instead of in the hotel room.

“She took me
to a party. I was scared and told her there were too many men. I was scared,
but she didn’t care. She said we needed money. She always said that. I just
want to go to school, but she said I’d snitch. Teachers were too nosy, so I couldn’t
go to school.”

Mia squirms
then pushes back until she is against the arm of the couch.

“I said there
were too many men and I just wanted to go home, but she said she would use the
belt if I wasn’t good. She drank beer with some men and I was supposed to be
nice to the other men. Rodent was there and I thought maybe he would help me.”

Mia looks at
me. “He didn’t help. He had his turn then he took me with him. He said he’d
take better care of me than Mom. I still didn’t go to school and now he was my
boss. When I was twelve maybe, he said Mom died from drugs. I didn’t care
because she never loved me. No one ever loved me. I asked the old woman in our
building why no one loved me and she said I was just bad that way.”

Mia looks
ready to stop talking, but I see how the words need to be said and she
continues, “One time, I thought someone cared about me. He said he would help
me and I could go to school. I didn’t know how to read or write and I didn’t
think I could go to school being big and knowing nothing. The man said he would
take me away from Rodent. He lived in our building and gave me food and let me
watch TV. He said he’d help me, but he never did. He was the one who put the
belt around my throat and made me stupid. He said he would make everything
better then he broke my brain and I don’t understand things. He’s worse than the
others, I think. He made me believe I’d be free then he took my chance to
understand things.”

“Is the
fucker still alive?” I ask, wiping the tear from her cheek.

“Yes. He
still lives in the building and he still likes to put the belt around my
throat. Even after he broke my brain, he kept doing it. After I knew he wouldn’t
help me, I hated him, but he hurt me if I told him no. They all hurt me. I try…”
she says, her voice growing stronger as she holds my gaze, “to make people
understand. I tried to get help. I wanted to get away so bad when I had the baby
in my tummy. No one listened. Maybe I was too stupid and they couldn’t
understand or maybe they just didn’t care. I did try to get away. Then, the baby
was dead and I didn’t care anymore. I waited to die and I never think about
getting free. I just wanted to sleep forever. Then, you came.”

Mia’s tears
rush down her face even while her expression remains unaffected. I’m her savior
and she will give me anything to repay this gift.

“I’m going to
kill the man who hurt you,” I promise. “I’d kill them all if I could, but I’ll
kill the one who put the belt around your neck.”

Her eyes
brighten. “He told me not to piss myself when he was killing me. He said that
and I knew he was stupid. How can I control what I do when I’m dead? I knew he was
stupid even after my brain was broken. He’s a bad man.”

“He’ll be a
dead man soon.”

“What if he
hurts you? Maybe you should let him live, so you’ll be safe.”

“Screw that
shit. Anyone who hurts a kid is a fucking coward. He can’t hurt me. I’ll make
him suffer before I kill him and I bet you he pisses himself too.”

Mia doesn’t
smile with vengeful glee. She sits up on her knees again and scoots closer. Her
wet face shines in the light of the room and I want to see the fucker who hurt
her cry too. I want him to suffer and beg. I need Mia to have vengeance, even
if she can’t want it for herself.

“You are
beautiful,” she whispers, looking at my lips. “I never thought a man was
beautiful before. Even when the bad man was nice to me and touched me, I didn’t
like him. I just wanted to be free, so I pretended. I never pretend with you.
You are beautiful and I want to be close please.”

“No,” I
whisper.

Mia can’t
understand. I see the confusion in her eyes. The guilt of her being undesirable
to me.

“I’ve never looked
at fucking as anything more than a bodily function,” I tell her. “It’s
something I do to relieve stress. It’s not anything special. Even saying
special feels wrong like something other people do. Making love and that crap
isn’t for me.”

Cupping her
face, I caress her lower lip with my thumb.

“With you, I
want it to be special. I want it to be more, but I don’t know how to make it
that way. When I know how to make it special, I won’t tell you no,” I say then
add, “I want you, Mia. You’re mine and I’m never giving you up.”

Her breathing
shifts, coming faster like she’s excited. She looks around again then the
corner of her mouth lifts into a half smile. Mia understands enough to see how
I know her and still want her. She’s mine and will never return to the hell of
her old life.

We fall into
silence for a long time. Mia eventually gets up to take a shower. I know she
doesn’t need one and soon her sobs echo through the door. Hearing anger and
sorrow in her cries, I want to burn down the world. In my mind, I see us in the
car with Mia pointing out every person who hurt her. I even want to destroy the
old woman who told her she had no value. Every cop who looked away. Every
neighbor who turned a blind eye. I want them all dead. I need to lay waste to
the city to find vengeance for my woman.

Unable to sit
still, I pace around the room like an agitated animal. I know myself well
enough to understand if I go out to kill tonight that I’ll make a mistake. I’ll
be reckless and end up dead or in jail.

Where will
Mia be when I’m gone? She’s alone in the world without the skills to survive.
The rat father kept her dumb to make her easier to control then the fucker with
the belt ruined any chance Mia had to care for herself.

Death and suffering
await them all. Rodent was lucky with a quick bullet to the head. He died too fast
for my taste and I wish to kill him a million times. I need to feel the blood
of the guilty, so I can look into Mia’s eyes and know I’m worthy. She must be
avenged.

When she
appears from the bathroom, Mia’s face is bright red from crying. Yet, she’s
smiling and her eyes are happy. I see hope in her expression and my rage fades.
My need for vengeance is quenched for now. When she looks at me and smiles
because I freed her from hell, I’m worthy.