Gator (2 page)

Gator

The next two
hours are spent in an urgent care clinic. The blood clinic takes cash, asks no
questions, and avoids the authorities. A place like this doesn’t care why
Gidget has a bruise on her jaw or a swollen lower lip. They don’t even ask
questions like name, date of birth, and address.

I sit in the
waiting room without worrying about Gidget running off or telling the doctor
anything she shouldn’t. I reminded her how she is dead or she is mine. Nothing
in between.

How much she
understands is my main concern. Her shit dad said she’s brain damaged. Does
that mean she’s essentially a child? I can’t fuck a little girl, even one in a
woman’s body.

No matter
what’s wrong with her brain, I refuse to give her up. Even if she’s a child in
her head, I can’t kill her and I won’t send her somewhere safe. She’s mine. I
made the decision and I wasn’t changing my mind.

After a long
time, the doctor tells me she has anemia. Otherwise, she’s topnotch. Iron pills
and she’ll be as good as new. I know the doctor thinks I’m the one who gave her
the bruises. I’m uninterested in his misperceptions. People spend their whole
lives misunderstanding me. I’m not in the mood to help them out.

“Is she brain
damaged?” I ask. “Can she make decisions like an adult?”

The doctor
shifts around, nervous to have me focusing on him. “She seems fine to me.
Followed instructions. Compliant, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“No, dipshit,
I want to know if she can consent. Is she a little kid up in the head? Her dad
said she had a brain injury or some shit.”

The doctor’s
scared. I like seeing the fear in his buggy eyes and refuse to ease the ugly
look I’m giving him. I rather enjoy when people shrink at the sight of me.

“Without
running a bunch of tests and having her evaluated, I can’t say if she’s brain
damaged. I can say she seems competent. Slow doesn’t mean stupid.”

“No, I guess
it doesn’t.”

After I let
the doctor hurry away, I wonder about Gidget. She said nothing on the drive. A
few times I caught her caressing her new sweatpants. I figured she liked them.
Might just like wearing something where her ass and tits weren’t hanging out.

Gidget
appears from the backroom. Her eyes are wide like a frightened child’s and
she’s sucking a lollipop.

“I got a
shot,” she says, rubbing her butt. “Thank you.”

This comment
makes me hope she understands. No child would be happy to have a shot, but
Gidget knows she needs the tetanus shot. I doubt she was vaccinated or ever had
a checkup. Her shit father didn’t seem like the wellness visits kind of guy.

I know Gidget
is hungry. Even though her stomach growls, she never asks for food. Is she too
dumb to care for herself? Or has she learned to do without because her life
isn’t her own? Whatever the reason, she sits next to me in the car with a
growling stomach and a silent mouth.

We stop at a
Chili’s because I want steak and ribs. Hell, I want to eat half the menu. It’s
funny how often I remind myself of a woman with my moods. When I get tense, I
eat like a bear prepping for hibernation. I work out until I can barely move. I
finish off my cycle by fucking a woman until she can barely move. My only
problem is the woman I want to fuck is the one making me tense.

Gidget frowns
at the menu for a few minutes before I realize she can’t read.

“I’ll order
for you,” I mutter, grumpier now. “Did you go to school?”

Gidget nods.
“In first grade.”

Somehow, this
knowledge relaxes me. She isn’t illiterate because she’s incompetent.
Uneducated can be fixed.

She keeps
fiddling with a section of hair I had the nurse bleach. Her dad’s blood is
gone, leaving a different shade of blonde from the rest of her hair. Gidget
smells it and scowls.

Suddenly, she
looks at me and her gaze is overly focused as if waiting for something.
Conversation maybe, but I’m not talking to her. Didn’t want to speak to anyone.
I just need to think. The world feels too loud and ugly. Inside my head though,
I can decide what I should do with Gidget.

No matter what
logic I attempt, my mind comes to the same conclusion. She’s mine and I’m
keeping her. Even if she can’t consent, I won’t give her to someone else. I
want her and refuse to deny myself.

“I kill
people,” I say in a quiet voice. “You are my assistant. Do you understand?”

Gidget nods,
but I doubt she truly understands.

“I had an
assistant. His name was Grim. He got into a poker game with some Asian
gangsters and I found him a week later in a dumpster. My guess is that he
offended them. Grim had a big mouth.”

“Was he your
friend?” she asks, her voice startling me a little.

“No. He was
my assistant,” I lied.

“I don’t have
friends either.”

Her voice is
soft and warm. Comforting in a way I didn’t expect. While she still watches the
world like a startled kid, I sense Gidget understands about Grim without me
dumbing it down for her.

“Carz wants
you dead. He thinks you saw something, but I don’t care if you did. You’re
mine.”

“Carz bites,”
she says, covering her tits protectively.

“I don’t
doubt it. Men with his power don’t care about anyone. Not even themselves
sometimes. They just exist to destroy.”

Showing no
reaction to this comment, she watches me. I like her gaze on me too. Makes me
feel different than when other people look at me. Even other women. Probably because
Gidget is mine like the others aren’t.

“Do you like
the name Gidget?”

She shrugs
then glances at a few loud men entering the restaurant. The few seconds with
her gaze away from me feels like an eternity in the cold. I hate the way the
darkness returns. I’d never noticed it before, but the darkness clouds my every
thought. Gidget is the sun shining on my skin. Much like when I visit
Nicaragua. It’s the only time I feel truly free.

“You ever
travel out of the US?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Is Mexico in
the US?”

“No.”

“I went to
Mexico.”

“Why?”

The moment I
ask, I regret the words. Gidget’s warm gaze fades as she remembers something
ugly.

“Doesn’t
matter,” I say, saving her from explaining. “Even if you have a passport, I
need to get you a new one with a fake name.”

Gidget
focuses on me again, leaving behind those painful memories. Even knowing she
doesn’t understand about the papers necessary for traveling, I’m not in the
mood to explain.

“I plan to
retire for a few years,” I say, leaning back and scratching at the scar on my
arm.

Gidget stares
at the scar. She continues to stare long after I stop scratching.

“I visited
Nicaragua awhile back. Warm weather. Quiet. The locals like foreigners with
money and manners. I plan to move there soon. House is being built near the
beach.”

She finally
looks at me and smiles. I don’t know why she smiles, but my breath catches. Had
I really lived thirty years without seeing that smile? I can’t understand how
anyone can see such a smile and ever cause her any pain. When she smiles,
Gidget is a fucking angel.

“Thank you
for not shooting me,” she says, still smiling. “I’ll be a good assistant.”

I only nod.
Her smile unsettles me. Is she really dumb? Or is it a con to enslave men? I
trust no one. Not even those I’ve known for years. There is no reason to trust
Gidget. Deep in my gut, I do anyway. Logic out the window, I trust her because
she’s mine.

“What’s your
name?” she asks after the food arrives.

“I told you.”

Gidget looks
me in the eyes and I know she’s thinking about lying. Whatever she sees in my
expression gives her the strength for the truth.

“No, you
didn’t.”

“Huh,” I
mutter, cutting my steak. “I was busy, I guess.”

Seeing her
struggling with her food, I think to cut it for her. My heart needs her to be
an adult though. If she’s a child, I don’t know what to do with her.

“People call
me Gator.”

All of the
joy leaves her face and she lowers her head. I don’t know why she would fear my
reputation considering I could have killed her and didn’t.

“What?” I ask
when she just stares at her food.

“These boys
pushed me at the zoo and I almost fell into the alligator tank,” she mumbles
then lifts her gaze to mine. “I don’t like alligators.”

“I’m not an
alligator, am I? I’m a man with that name.”

Gidget looks
at me like I’m Death and she’s waiting for me to take her.

“My mom
called me Jake,” I say once her expression makes me uncomfortable.

A smile wipes
away her fear and Gidget cuts at her food again. “I like that name,” she
whispers. “Jake.”

We eat in
silence for the next twenty minutes. I like quiet meals. Some people can’t shut
the fuck up while sitting down to eat, but Gidget plays along. The only time
she shows me any interest is when I have sauce on my lip and she wipes it away
with her delicate fingers. Her gaze is so warm and touch so tender that I
nearly fuck her right there on the table.

Even with my
cock hard in my jeans, I restrain the urge and return to eating. I also finish
her food when she is stuffed. I figure her shit father fed her just enough to
keep her alive.

“You were
hungry,” she finally says when I lean back in the booth.

“When I get
tense, I get hungry.”

“Tense?”

“I’m on a job
and getting too relaxed isn’t smart.”

“I’m never
smart.”

“Maybe or
maybe you never had a reason to be smart.”

Gidget
watches me and says nothing. I like how she doesn’t talk too much. I’m tired
and the chatter in the restaurant is pissing me off. Soon, I might smack around
one of the loud fucks and get the police involved. Now, that wouldn’t be smart.

“Let’s go,” I
tell her while paying the bill. “They have room service at the hotel, if you
get hungry later.”

Gidget is
silent as we leave and during the drive. Once I decided to take the girl, I
moved to a nice hotel. I even paid for a suite with a good view. I want Gidget to
feel comfortable.

At the hotel,
she takes another shower then returns wearing the flowered nightgown I’d bought
her. Looking too young to suit my taste, Gidget joins me on the couch in the
sitting room.

I notice the
baby doll in her lap and sigh. Angry at myself more than her, I still sound
harsh.

“A little old
for dolls, aren’t you?”

Gidget stares
down at the toy and thinks I want her to ditch it. She would give it up to
please me. I sense she would do anything to keep me happy. I just wish she
wanted to make me happy for a reason besides thinking it was her job.

“I had a baby
in my tummy,” she whispers. “I didn’t tell Daddy.”

“Call the
piece of shit Rodent,” I demand.

Gidget nods.
“I hid my tummy for a long time because I wanted to have my baby. I liked when
it kicked me. I was going to name it Adam if it was a boy and Eve if it was a
girl. Like from the Bible. I didn’t know any other names from the Bible, but I
knew those.”

Gidget
pauses, her fingers caressing the doll’s pouty lips.

“Rodent found
out and he had the doctor kill my baby. They showed it to me and it was a
little girl. I cried, so Rodent gave me the doll to love.” Gidget lifts her
gaze to mine. “This is a doll, not a baby. My baby is dead, just like Rodent.”

A tear falls
down her cheek and she whispers, “I’m glad you killed Rodent. This is just a
doll.”

Words mean
shit most days. They are lies we tell.
It’ll be okay. Everything happens for
a reason. I understand your pain.
All fucking lies. I pander in them too,
but not with Gidget. Not over a dead baby.

“Keep the
doll. Look at it and remember how Rodent died with his eyes open. He wet
himself too. The fucker died a loser. You look at the doll and remember how you
live while the piece of shit rots.”

The look in
her eyes tells me she understands. Gidget might know bringing a baby into her
shit life was a mistake. Or maybe she was so desperate for an ounce of love
that she didn’t care. Whatever she understood about the past, my words make
sense to her now. If living and dying is about winning and losing, she’s beaten
Rodent in the only game that really matters.

Gidget

The scars on
his face tell a story. I can’t read words in a book, but I understand his
scars. He’s a survivor. Stronger than other men. Braver than them too. He fears
nothing.

Sitting in
the soft clean bed, I watch Jake sleep. I enjoy the sight of his dark skin. I
look too pale next to him. I don’t know what his mom and dad were that make him
look the way he does. I only know his skin looks warm and I want to touch it.
My fingers caress the sheets the way they want to enjoy him.

His muscles
flex when he stretches in his sleep. I’ve never seen such powerful arms. Not
even those rough football players who passed me around. Their bodies weren’t as
perfectly hard and lethal as Jake’s.

Lethal. I
know he can kill me without the slightest effort. He killed Rodent so easily.
Took a life like he takes a breath. So easy, but I’m not scared. Jake wants me
around even if he won’t touch me.

Twice the
night before, his hand reached out as if to touch me. I want to know if his
fingers are soft or rough. I don’t care if he hurts me. Jake said I belong to
him now. I always belong to someone, but never anyone like Jake.

He didn’t
touch me either time. His fingers curled back into a fist and I thought he
might hit me. Jake pulled away his hand and acted as if he never considered
touching me at all.

Jake’s dark
hair is long enough to touch his shoulders. With that hair and his strong
shoulders, he looks like a warrior. The sheets are pushed back and the sight of
him takes my breath away. I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.

When the
clock reads eight, Jake wakes all at once. Eyes open, he sits up and stares at
me. I stare back. I love his eyes. Rich brown like the coffee he let me drink
the night before. Except his eyes are sprinkled with gold.

We stare at
each other for a long time and I don’t dare look away. Jake’s face is
unreadable now. I’ve seen this look before, but not from any of the men who
fucked me. I saw it in the eyes of a lion at the zoo.

I remember
that day more than any other. It was the one time I felt like everyone else. While
the other kids had enjoyed the zoo with their families before, the field trip
was my only chance. I remember how the animals were scary, yet exciting. My favorite
was the lion.

He stared at
us through the gates like a big cat lounging in the sun. The other kids said he
was lazy like their cats at home. It was a lie. The lion’s body seemed relaxed
as if indifferent to the people pointing at him, but his gaze was scary
intense. I knew if he ever got past the gate that he would kill us all. He only
had to bide his time. I stared at the lion’s barely contained aggression and
knew he was a predator in the truest sense.

Jake is a
predator too. Sitting in bed, he is so still as if not even breathing. As his
gaze holds mine, I see the struggle between the man and the beast.
The
predator and the patient killer.
What he might choose to do to me is a
mystery and I can’t look away.

His gaze is
hypnotic like the lion’s and I finally reach out to caress his face. I need to
know what the stubble on his cheeks feels like. Is his skin hot to the touch?
Will I feel his breath on my skin? I need answers.

Jake snags my
hand in an effortless motion. I don’t flinch, too entranced by his steely gaze.
He brings my hand to his lips and his hot breath sets my body on fire. Realizing
I’m aroused, I’ve never felt anything like it before and I want more.

In a flash,
my hand is on the bed and Jake’s on his feet. He prowls to the bathroom and shuts
the door without speaking a word. Just like that, the moment was over and I
feel cold without his touch.

Much like
when my mother put me in the closet so she could be alone with her boyfriends,
I stare at the closed door and wait to be free again. Jake refuses my touch.
Whether I’m dirty or disappoint him, he closes the door on me and I don’t know
if he will open it again.