Full Moon (4 page)

When we got back to Wolford, Rafe swiped an electronic keycard at the gate to open it. It was a recent addition to our defenses, evidence of our strange place in the world, between the archaic and the modern.

He puttered over to an area where a few jeeps and all-terrain vehicles were parked. It was late. The festivities had ended. Everything was quiet as we walked toward the large mansion.

“You go on in,” Rafe said, coming to a stop. “We don’t want to be seen together.”

“Right.” It would be a disaster to run into Connor now. How could I even begin to explain? I couldn’t. “Uh, listen, thanks for getting me away from all the doom and gloom for awhile.”

“Almost getting you killed was a great substitute.”

I smiled. “That was my fault, totally. I’ve hiked in these woods often enough to know that I shouldn’t stand at the very edge of a cliff,” I said, although I still felt as though I were standing at the edge of one. Metaphorically, anyway. “Have you ever considered Brittany? You know, for a mate? She’s available.”

He released a harsh laugh. “
What
are you doing?”

“Trying to offer alternatives,” I said sincerely.

“I don’t want alternatives. I don’t feel the same hunger around Brittany. I don’t feel anything for her other than mild curiosity and light-hearted friendship. I don’t wonder what it would be like to kiss her. I don’t feel a need to lay with my body curled around hers. I don’t”—he leaned in and skimmed his lips along the side of my face, inhaling as he went, causing heat to swirl through me—“I don’t relish her scent. I don’t dream about her. I want
you
.”

Before I could respond, he’d turned on his heel and started walking away. My heart was beating erratically and my mouth had gone dry. He’d said it as though he wasn’t giving up. I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or worried.

I almost chased after him. I had to try to talk some sense into him. Instead I let him go, refusing to acknowledge that a small part of me was glad he’d rejected the notion of being with Brittany. Was I a total mess or what?

Inside the residence, a few lights were on low, but it was still amazingly quiet. I assumed everyone was in bed. I headed for the stairs.

“Lindsey?”

My heart almost stopped at the sound of Connor’s voice. I turned slowly to see him standing in the doorway of the parlor. I swallowed hard before saying, “Hey.”

He walked toward me. “Where’d you disappear to? I couldn’t find you.”

I shrugged. “I just…everyone was so melancholy and worried that I just wanted to be by myself for awhile.”

He studied me with his deep-blue eyes, and for a moment he looked sad. My heart nearly stammered to a stop. I wanted to apologize for going off with Rafe, but I was afraid it would only worsen things. I truly didn’t want to hurt Connor. And the truth absolutely would hurt him. Finally he nodded. “So, listen, the sherpas are going to head back to the park entrance in the morning so we can be back in time to guide that scout troop that’s hired us. Thought we’d catch a ride with Lucas. He came in his jeep.”

“I’ll be ready.”

“Okay. See you then.”

I knew I should say something more, but guilt was gnawing at me. I hurried up the stairs and down the long hallway, passing various closed doors. Turning a corner, I came up short at the sight of Kayla and Lucas intertwined like a pretzel, kissing in front of the window, limned by the faint moonlight. Judging by the heat they were generating, I was surprised the window hadn’t fogged up. They were so lost in each other that they hadn’t heard me.

As quietly as possible I slipped back around the corner, dropped into a crouch, and pressed my back up against the wall. I had an insane urge to weep. I hardly ever cried, but suddenly I felt lost and so incredibly lonely.

Why hadn’t Connor and I sneaked away to a corner for a quick lip-lock? Or a long one, for that matter? Where was our passion? Would it come after my transformation? Would we be unable to keep our hands off each other then?

I thought about Rafe and how I’d wanted him to hold me, to touch me, to kiss me and how hard it had been to step away from him when I’d wanted to rush toward him. But that was just lust, right? Merely a physical reaction. Love was more than that. Love was internal. Love was your heart and your soul. It was everything that was important. It was—

My thoughts came to a screeching halt as Lucas came around the corner and nearly tripped over me. “Whoa! Lindsey, sorry!”

“Get a room next time, why don’t you?” I teased as I shot to my feet.

He released a little groan of embarrassment for getting caught in a passionate embrace. If not for the shadows in the hallway, I might even have seen him blushing. He’d always been the most private guy I’d known. I’d had no idea that he was interested in Kayla until they were a bonded couple.

I was acutely aware of him studying me intently. He could perform a third-degree interrogation without words. I wasn’t in the mood for it. “Good night,” I said.

Before I’d taken my first step, though, he grabbed my arm. “Are you okay? You seem…distracted.”

How would he react if I confessed that I doubted my feelings for Connor? Since he was friends with both Rafe and Connor, would it put him in an awkward position? I figured the fewer people who knew, the better.

“I just stumbled across an R-rated encounter. I was trying not to visualize it. And now I’m going to bed.”

To my immense relief, he let me go. As our pack leader, he felt like he had to watch out for all of us, but I didn’t think he could help me with my problem.

I went into the room I shared with Kayla and Brittany. Kayla was sitting on her bed. Stretched out on a mat, Brittany was doing sit-ups. Judging by the sweat on her brow, I figured she was nearing her nightly one hundred. Me? I preferred to curl up with a good book.

“Where have
you
been?” Brittany asked, her breaths coming in short little puffs as she kept up her tempo.

“Where do you think? With Connor.”

“So what were you, the invisible sherpa? Because he was looking for you.”

I dropped down onto my bed and toed off my sneakers. “I just wanted to be alone.”

She stopped exercising and began stretching. “So why not just say that?”

Guilt.
“Maybe I don’t like getting the third degree.”

“It was only one question.”

Trying to work out the tension, I rolled my shoulders. “Sorry. This Bio-Chrome mess just has me on edge.” I glanced over at Kayla, who was now dragging her brush through her long, red hair. “Usually the summer solstice celebration is a little more festive.”

“I actually had a great time,” she said brightly. “I got to talk to all these people who knew my parents. My adoptive parents are awesome and all, but before this summer, I never felt as though I truly belonged anywhere, you know? But here, I just feel like I’ve come home.”

Kayla’s parents had been killed when she was younger, and she’d been adopted by a non-Shifter family. Until this summer, she hadn’t even realized that our kind existed. Talk about blowing apart your concept of reality. I couldn’t even imagine the shock of it.

Grabbing my backpack from the foot of the bed, I scrounged around until I found cotton shorts and a tank top to sleep in. Once I’d changed clothes, I sat cross-legged on my bed. Brittany had finished her exercises and was getting ready for bed. I figured it was time for a little intimate girl talk. “Listen, Kayla…the guys will never talk about what it’s like when they shift. They’re all secretive about it. What was it really like? The first time?”

“Oh, gosh, it’s hard to explain.” With her back pressed against the headboard, she closed her eyes and intertwined her fingers together. “It’s so intense. It’s as if pleasure and pain are all mixed up, and you don’t know what you should really be feeling, and then all of a sudden—
bam!
It’s maximum overload and suddenly you’re body is shaped differently and your mind is more…aware.” Smiling softly, she opened her eyes. “It’s awesome.”

“I’ve heard it’s excruciatingly painful,” Brittany said.

Kayla nodded. “It is—if you go through it alone. Like the guys have to, but when Lucas was with me, he kept me distracted, so the pain was just an irritant.”

“Do you think it would have been more painful if you didn’t love him?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t want to go through it with someone I didn’t love. It’s really kinda personal and private.”

Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I did love Connor, but was it enough? I mean desperately,
my-life-would-be-over-if-he-didn’t-love-me-back
love him?

“Sounds like I’m screwed,” Brittany said. “I either go through it alone—and maybe die in the process—or I go through something intimate with someone I don’t love, which sounds icky and worse than going through it alone.”

“Someone will claim you, Brittany,” I insisted.

“I only have two weeks! My time is running out. Besides, I don’t want just anyone. I want someone who looks at me the way Lucas looks at Kayla, like she’s the moon and the stars.”

Kayla laughed lightly. “Does Lucas really look at me like that?”

“Oh, God, does he ever,” I said. It had been strange to see strong, silent Lucas fall so hard. But like all girls, I craved a guy who thought
I
was his destiny. It was both terrifying and romantic. In most societies, girls our age aren’t supposed to fall in love so young, but we aren’t most societies. Ours is ruled by destiny.

“Of course, you look at him the same way,” I told her.

She grinned brightly. “I probably do. I’m so nuts about him.”

“So maybe your true mate just hasn’t noticed you yet, Brittany,” I said, trying to be positive. In truth, it was really rare for a girl to be approaching her time for change without a guy speaking up for her.

“Yeah, right. And he’s just going to stumble into me sometime during the next two weeks? Get real. I’m going to sleep,” Brittany said, just before she reached out and turned off the lamp by her bed, immersing us in the darkness.

I felt so bad for her, but I also realized that she didn’t want my pity. She was always trying to prove how strong she was.

I was too restless to slip beneath the covers and try to go to sleep. I was afraid that another dream like the one I’d had the night before was waiting for me. I walked over to the window and peered between the curtains. For some reason, all that talk about finding one’s true mate, about going through the first transformation with someone you truly loved…it had left me feeling hollow and confused. I would go through it with Connor. Why wasn’t I comforted by that realization?

I heard the light padding of bare feet.

“Are you okay?” Kayla whispered as she came to stand beside me.

“Yeah,” I said, my voice equally low. It usually didn’t take Brittany long to fall asleep, but I didn’t want to risk disturbing her. She wouldn’t appreciate my confusion, wouldn’t offer me solace. Kayla would.

“You know…one thing that happens after that first transformation is that all your senses are heightened,” Kayla said softly.

“Yeah, I’ve heard.” I wondered what she was getting at. Unlike Kayla, all this wasn’t new to me. My parents were Shifters. I’d grown up around Shifters.

“Scent is the one I notice the most. You know how you go into your favorite restaurant and it just smells so good?”

“Sure.”

“Well, now it’s as though I can smell each individual scent. I don’t smell lasagna. I smell tomato and garlic and noodles and mozzarella. I smell each distinct ingredient. When I go into a room filled with people, I smell each person. Like right now. I can smell a hint of Connor…and a whole lot of Rafe.”

Busted!

“Are you trying to make a point?” I asked, irritated with her sense of smell and slightly panicked at the thought that maybe Connor had smelled Rafe on me, too. Maybe that was the reason he’d seemed distant and hadn’t pulled me into the corner for a kiss.

“You were with Rafe a lot more than you were with Connor tonight. It’s not any of my business, but if you need to talk”—she touched my shoulder, squeezed—“you’re my best friend. I’m here for you.”

“I don’t know, Kayla. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I know when you have your first transformation that you bond with the guy—”

“I think the bond needs to be there first, Lindsey. Yes, it’ll grow deeper after what you go through, but the emotions need an anchor.”

“Connor’s a good guy. He’s always steady. I can depend on him.” But did that mean what we felt for each other was right, was as deep as it might be? If I told him I had doubts, would I lose his friendship? Could I stand to lose it after having it for most of my life?

“But do you love him?” Kayla asked.

Why did that question seem to be a common theme tonight? And why in the hell didn’t I know the answer?

The next morning I caught up with my mom and dad for breakfast. The dining room had lots of small, cloth-covered round tables so families could engage in intimate conversations. What I got, though, was the third degree.

“We didn’t see you last night,” Dad said conversationally, but I knew a lawyer tactic when I heard one. His dark hair was turning silver at the temples. It made him appear very distinguished, even with his brown eyes homing in on me as if he were a wolf scenting a rabbit.

“I was hanging around with my friends, as usual.”

“Connor was looking for you,” Mom said. Even in the wilderness, my mom looked as though she could take tea with the queen. Yes, my family—just like Connor’s—was among the elite of our clan. We never got our hands dirty from making an engine work; we hired people for that sort of thing. We’d even hired Rafe’s dad, until he’d declined into heavy drinking and become undependable and quarrelsome.

“He found me,” I assured her.

“I’m not sure why he would have to look for you in the first place,” Mom said, tucking a stray strand of her blond hair back into the French twist she wore.

“I got bored watching the football game, so I walked around for a while.”

“Do you know that when a person lies the scent of their skin changes?” Dad asked, casually buttering his toast.