Full Moon (9 page)

It’s not easy to sneak out of your cabin when one of your roommates has recently had her first transformation and her senses are heightened.

“What are you doing?” Kayla asked sleepily as she sat up.

I hadn’t turned on a light, but an outside light that lit the area seeped into our room through the curtained window as I packed my things. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

“Obviously
something
is up.”

During the past year, Kayla had become my best friend while my relationship with Brittany had started to become as strained as the one I had with Connor. I knew someone needed to know where I was going, and I believed I could trust her. “I’m going with Rafe to look for the hidden lab.”

The bedroom lamp suddenly came on, and Kayla was staring at me through narrowed eyes. “We’re supposed to take out another group tomorrow.”

“They’re bird watchers. They’re only here for the day. You’ll be fine without me.”

She combed her fingers through her thick, curly red hair and shook it out. “Rafe could probably search faster without you, don’t you think?”

She was right; he could. Would I be hindering him? Was it really my desire to help that had me volunteering to go with him? Or was it something more selfish than that?

“I’m feeling guilty about Dallas. I didn’t really trust him, but he may have died because he was bringing us information.”

“This is me, Lindsey. The truth?”

“That
is
the truth. Just not all of it.” I sighed and looked at my watch. I only had a few minutes, but I really needed to share all these doubts I had about my destined mate. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I tried to calm my pounding heart. I’d never said this out loud to anyone—not even to myself. Facing my true feelings was terrifying. “Kayla, lately I can’t stop thinking about Rafe. I have these intense dreams about him. And last night he kissed me.”

“In your dream?”

I shook my head. “No—for real. And it was…amazing. Powerful. Feral. I don’t want to hurt Connor, but I need to figure out what it is I’m feeling for Rafe. It’s not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. It fills me with wonder but at the same time it terrifies me.”

“Do you love Connor?”

I dropped my head back and stared at the planks in the ceiling, imagining I could see Connor’s face in a knot in the wood. “I do, but…”

“But…?”

I lowered my gaze to meet hers. “What’s it like to love Lucas?”

Her brow pleated. “Intense. Consuming. I have no doubt that he’s my mate.”

“That’s my problem. I care for Connor, but I
do
have doubts. And he knows it. We were fighting about it right before we found Dallas. He wants me to confront whatever it is I’m feeling for Rafe, but I can’t do that without spending time with Rafe. And the full moon…it’s not going to wait for me to decide. It’s going to come—
soon
—and I have to know. Maybe a few days in the woods with Rafe will help me figure out what I feel for both of them. And we’ll be doing something good at the same time.”

“Lindsey, this is reckless. It’s way too dangerous.”

It was—in so many ways.

“I know, but I have to take the risk.” Not only to find the lab, but also to discover what was truly in my heart.

“What if you decide…and it’s not Connor?”

I felt a painful tightness in my chest. I didn’t want to hurt him. “Would it be fair to him if I accept him as my mate, but I didn’t love him like you love Lucas?”

Kayla got up, crossed over to me, and hugged me tightly. “It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. If you can’t decide,
I’ll
be there with you for the change.”

“But you’re bound to Lucas.”

“So?” She leaned back and held my gaze. “We can’t be bound to more than one person? You’re my best friend, Lindsey. I won’t let you go through it alone.”

I felt tears sting my eyes. “Thanks, Kayla. But I’ll figure this out. If I can’t, I’m not worthy of being a Dark Guardian. I want to be a guardian almost as much as I want to figure out who is truly my destiny.”

Before I left, I asked Kayla to explain to Connor where I was and that I knew what I was doing so he wouldn’t worry or come after me. Knowing Connor, it probably wouldn’t stop him from doing either of those things, but I figured it was worth a try.

Rafe was leaning against the porch post when I slipped outside, and I was hit with the reality of what I was doing. I was leaving with him. I was going to be alone with him. I was surprised by how desperately I wanted that. I could feel his gaze assessing me, but I was also acutely aware that his usually hard-to-read expression had shifted into one of obvious pleasure. In spite of the dangers that we might face—both in the wilderness and to our hearts—he was glad for my company. I felt an incredible warmth flow through me when he took my hand, threading his strong fingers through mine. I was amazed by how right it felt. Silently, I followed him away from the small village at the edge of the park to where he’d parked his bike, far enough away that no one would hear it.

I climbed on behind Rafe, adjusted my backpack so it was more comfortable, and slid my arms around him, welcoming the strength and warmth that was Rafe.

“Are you sure about this, Lindsey?” he asked, and I knew that he was aware I was taking this journey for a number of reasons—not simply to find the hidden lab.

“Absolutely.”

“You know that when Connor gets back and discovers you’re gone, he’s going to come after you.”

“But he can’t be mad at me, Rafe. The truth is…I’m just following his suggestion.”

He released a dark laugh. “Oh, he’ll be furious. Count on it.”

The bike roared to life. I tightened my hold on Rafe as we took off. A strange sensation skittered through me, and I glanced back over my shoulder. Although I didn’t see anything, I couldn’t shake the feeling we were being watched.

We rode through the morning and all day long in the thick and verdant forest. We stopped once to quickly eat some sandwiches that Rafe had packed. We didn’t talk. Maybe it was the sense of doing something we weren’t supposed to that kept us quiet—or maybe we feared being overheard. Maybe we just had nothing to say as the enormity of what we were doing began to sink in. Danger was bound to be involved, and bringing me along was probably not Rafe’s smartest move. On the other hand, I didn’t think going alone would have been too smart, either.

Heavy darkness had descended before we finally came to a stop for the night. Rafe held me close until my legs adjusted to standing again.

“How long before my legs adapt to riding for such long hours?” I asked.

“Hopefully never. I like holding you.”

Relaxing against him, I enjoyed the feel of his arms around me. Burying my nose against his chest, I inhaled the scent that was unique to him.
No matter how this trip ends,
I thought,
I’d never forget his scent.

“I don’t think we should set up a campfire,” Rafe said, his chest rumbling with his words. “We have no idea how close anyone might be.”

“Do you think we’re being followed?”

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t put it past those mercenaries that Dallas told us about.”

“Do you think they killed him?”

“That’s my guess. They might have hung around to see how we reacted.”

“Bastards.” Reluctantly, I pulled away from Rafe, took a small penlight out of my pocket, and scouted the area. I located a log, sat on it, and turned off the light. I struggled out of my backpack, wondering how I could be so tired when all I’d done was ride a bike all day. Every one of my muscles and bones ached.

We had more moonlight tonight, and I watched as his silhouette approached and sat beside me. I located the front pocket on my pack and unzipped it. “I have some protein bars and a couple of apples.”

“Guess that’ll work. I can take you back tonight if you’ve changed your mind, but once we have two days behind us—”

“I don’t want to go back.” I held out a protein bar and he took it. I grabbed a bottle of water from a side pocket.

“Tomorrow we’ll be close enough to one of our lairs. We can replenish supplies, sleep in a protected area,” Rafe said.

We Shifters had set up hidden lairs all over the forest. We stored food, extra clothes, and any other essentials we thought someone might need if separated from the pack, hurt, or in trouble. The government might technically own the forest, but we viewed it as ours. Some of our ancestors had come over on the
Mayflower
. It was when they’d begun burning them as witches in Salem that we’d taken up residence in this wilderness. It had been designated as a national forest for only about a hundred years, but it had been our home for much longer.

Even in the darkness I was comfortable here.

“Are you supposed to do anything if you find the lab?” I asked. “You know—destroy it, kill everyone within it?”

“Just report its location to Lucas. Then we’ll decide how to handle it.”

“I hope I’ve had my first shift by then. I’ll be more effective as a wolf.”

“I don’t know if we can wait that long.”

A huff of self-conscious laughter escaped me. “You make it sound like it’s so far off, and I’m sitting here thinking that it’s rushing at me too fast.”

“Most of us are excited about our first transformation.” He trailed his finger along my bare arm, and I shivered. “Why aren’t you?”

Was he pushing me to admit what I was feeling?

“Can you read my mind?” I asked.

“When I’m in wolf form.”

“And when you’re not?”

“Sometimes I’ll catch a thought.”

Was it significant that he could read my thoughts when he wasn’t in wolf form—when Connor couldn’t?

I pushed myself to my feet. “I don’t understand. I thought there was supposed to be one person for each of us, that our instincts recognized the one who was our destiny. I feel like an aberration. I didn’t think it was supposed to be this confusing.”

“What are you confused by?”

I spun around. “God, Rafe, if you can truly read my mind, you must already know.”

“I try not to intrude on your thoughts. Are you giving me permission—”

“No!” I needed my thoughts to stay mine until I figured things out.

“What did you feel when I kissed you?” Rafe asked. I watched his shadowy form lengthen as he came to his feet.

“It was more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. But it could have just been the emotions of the day…we were both reacting to them.”

“Then let me kiss you again. We’ll see how it goes.” His voice was low, soothing, almost hypnotic.

“It wouldn’t be fair to Connor.”

“Are all your doubts fair to him? Things are different for the males among us. During your first transformation, if your mate is with you, if you’ve chosen him for that moment, he’ll bond with you. It’ll be permanent. We mate for life. If you change your mind, you can walk away.
We can’t.
And if you walk to me afterward, I’ll always know that he was there for you during your first time—I’ll never have that experience with you.”

“But I’ll have other transform—”

“It’s never like the first time, when everything within us, everything that we are, everything that we will become—it all achieves maturity. A butterfly emerging from its cocoon will always be a butterfly afterward, but that moment of awe when it first spreads its wings—this only happens once. That’s the reason the bond forms so strongly with the female’s first transformation. She’ll never again experience that moment of wonder, and the male—
her
male—wants to experience it with her.”

I’d always known the first transformation was profound, but no one had ever explained it like that before.

I didn’t know what to say. I thought,
All this shouldn’t be a surprise to me.
I’d always known what I was, what the first transformation was—but just like sex, it wasn’t anything my mom had ever truly discussed with me. It was an important part of my journey into adulthood, and no one had given me a road map.

Suddenly Rafe was closer to me. I could feel the warmth radiating off his body. I wanted to snuggle up against him.

“Why did you come with me if you didn’t want to experience what it was for us to be together?” he asked.

I didn’t answer him with words. Instead, I reached up and cradled his face between my hands. I could feel the stubble on his jaw. I could feel the slight breeze teasing his long, black hair across my fingers. I could sense his gaze on mine. I was acutely aware of the stillness of him as he waited for me to make my decision.

Forgive me, Connor.

I rose up on my toes to issue my invitation with a soft, and I hoped sexy, voice. “Kiss me.”

His low, victorious growl echoed between us and then he was kissing me passionately. And just like the first kiss, this one took my breath. Tonight there wasn’t the adrenaline spike of a near-death experience or the heady rush of him having saved my life. But the fire was still there, all-consuming, just like in my dreams. And just like the first kiss, it was overwhelming—it was almost too much.

I pulled back first. I no longer questioned whether lust alone was involved here. Finally I felt that soul-deep connection I’d heard about. I was in trouble. Big trouble.

Lowering my heels back to the ground, I nestled my cheek into the crook of his shoulder, welcoming his arms as they came around me.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’ve decided that’s the stupidest question on earth.”

“So you’re not okay.”

“I don’t know, Rafe. Things just got a lot more complicated.”

“I won’t say I’m glad, but I’m definitely not disappointed either. At least there’s a chance you could choose me.”

And what would that do to Connor?

“We need to get some sleep,” he said then, and I wondered if he felt a need to fill the silence that was stretching between us. “Share my sleeping bag with me.”

Great!
I hadn’t thought to pack a sleeping bag.

“I can’t,” I said with a measure of regret. But I knew there were some lines that, once I crossed them, I would never be able to go back.