Freeing Carter (35 page)

She
breathes
. I
breathe
. We take turns
,
the heat of our air lingering and blending between us.

"
I don
'
t know. I mean
,
Lana
'
s always been there. She loves me and I love her
,
so is it wrong to want to see who this lady is? I don
'
t want to hurt Lana
,
and no matter what
,
she
'
s my mom
,
but
..."

I let my hand slide through her hair
and
cup the back of her neck.

"
I also need to know who I am
,
Carter. She can tell me that.
"

"
Hey.
"
When I back away enough to see her
,
I notice her eyes are flooded. I
'
ve seen a lot of girls I care about cry: Mom
,
Sara
,
Mel
,
but nothing is like seeing Kira cry. She
'
s fun
,
and wild
,
and free and happy. Tears don
'
t belong in her eyes. Frowns don
'
t belong on her lips. It
'
s not right.
"
You have to do what you want
,
but meeting her? That
'
s not going to tell you who you are. You already know who you are
.
I
know who you are
.
You don
'
t need her for that.
"

"
You do?
"

"
I do
.
And I like what I see.
"

A smile is her reply.
"
I like what I see
,
too
,
Carter Shaw.
"

When she asks me truth or dare
,
the truth sticks to my tongue. I want to tell her about grandpa
,
about Mom
,
but more than that
,
I want tonight to be about her
and
making her feel better without my problems pushing their way in.

"
Dare
,"
I tell her.
"
Dare me to kiss you.
"

Kira laughs.
"
I don
'
t have to dare you to do that.
"
And then it
'
s her who leans forward to kiss me
,
but right before her lips touch mine
,
I speak again.

"
Go to winter formal with me.
"

"
I would have thought that was a given
,
Coach.
"

We
'
re both laughing as our lips
meet
in the middle.

Chapter Fifteen

"
It feels weird waiting for Kira to come over here instead of picking her up. Shouldn
'
t I lose points for that or something?
"
I
'
m standing in front of the mirror
,
slipping on my suit jacket. My black slacks are a little baggy
,
just how I like them. I thought about tucking in the white
,
button-up shirt
,
but it it
'
s not really my style and I know Kira won
'
t mind. She
'
ll want me to be me. I went back and forth on the tie
,
but ditched it
,
too. Unfortunately
,
my Nikes had to go
,
replaced by a pair of black dress shoes. I can
'
t imagine if I tried to pull this off with Mel. I probably wouldn
'
t even have tried. 

"
No
,
you don
'
t lose points for that. Lana had to go to work and she wants to see you guys together. Are you sure you shouldn
'
t wear the tie?
"
Mom asks from the doorway.

"
Nope.
"

"
Okay
,
what about your hair
?
It
'
s a little messy.
"

Kira likes it like this
,
I want to tell her.
"
I brushed it after I washed it.
"
Mom groans so I turn to her.
"
Mom
,
I know Kira. She
'
s not like other girls. She
'
s different. She
'
d probably laugh at me if I tried too hard.
"

Mom steps up behind me
,
brushing invisible lint off my shoulders.
"
You really like her
,
don
'
t you?
"

My chest starts to feel a little tight.
"
Yeah.
"

Mom takes a couple deep breaths
,
and I know something big is coming.
"
Y
ou
'
re being safe
,
right? I
'
m not an idiot. Even though I
'
d rather you waited
,
I know how it is. I just want to make sure you
'
re being careful. Taking care of your responsibilities
,
which are to always
,
always
use a condom.
"

So not the thing I want to talk about with my mom.
"
M
om
..."

"
I know it
'
s embarrassing
,
but it
'
s also important. Do you need protection? I—
"

My cheeks feel hot. I don
'
t remember the last time I blushed. Pulling away
,
"
Lalalala
,"
I tease.
"
We
really
don
'
t have to do this
,
Ma. We
'
re not sleeping together and if it does happen
,
I have it under control. I won
'
t be stupid about it.
"
End of story
.
I hope.

A smile tugs at the corners of Mom
'
s mouth. She
'
s been smiling a lot lately. Still not drinking
,
even after all the crap with Grandpa. Hopefully he
'
ll stay hidden away in his new nursing home and we won
'
t have to deal with him again.

"
I know you won
'
t. If I don
'
t say it enough
,
there aren
'
t words for how proud I am of you
.
Your father would be
,
too. You
'
re so much like him.
"
Mom touches my cheek.
"
Any time I
'
m missing him
,
I just have to look at you. You
'
re a wonderful guy
,
just like him.
"

"
I
..."
It
'
s the first time she
'
s said that to me. We talk about him all the time. I know how much she loved him
,
still loves him
,
but she
'
s never told me any of this. For the millionth time
,
I wish he could be here with us. How different would our lives have been if he never died? I bet she wouldn
'
t drink. I never remember her drinking when he was alive. But then
...
we wouldn
'
t have Sara
,
either
,
so it
'
s not like I can
really
wish for him to be here.

"
I know
,
Carter
,"
Mom says
,
saving me.

Turning toward the mirror again
,
I straighten the collar on my jacket.
"
You have to admit
,
I look good.
"

***

Holy shit.

I can
'
t move out of the entryway to my house. One hand is on the door
,
the other against the wall
,
blocking Kira and Lana from entering
,
but I can
'
t find it in myself to step out of the way. My body temperature spikes about a million degrees. I try
to
fight it
,
but my mind goes back to the conversation I had with Mom a little while ago
,
suddenly wanting to be in the situation where I
'
ll need the protection she talked about.

Kira is always gorgeous. Tonight
,
I realize she
'
s the most beautiful girl in the world.

Her hair is straight
,
but tied up in some kind of ball. Little
wispy
multi-color ribbons blend in
,
hanging down. I love her hair down
,
but up like this
,
it shows me her neck. Her very nice neck. I like necks.

Her dress reaches right above her knees
,
showing me her legs. I like legs.

The straps are thin
,
I don
'
t know what they
'
re called
,
but they show me her collarbone
,
shoulders. Lots of creamy brown skin. I like skin.

Even though the bottom of her dress flares out
,
the top is tight. Not too tight
,
but hugging her curves
,
her breasts. I like curves and breasts.

Her dress is kind of silky
,
and colorful
,
just like her. All the bright colors from her ribbons are in the dress
,
too. I like it. I like her.

"
Fancy seeing you here
,
Coach
."
Her teeth are so white. My porch light glints off the tiny diamond in her nose. I take in her cheekbones again. Everything about her I want to study. To know in a way that I can never forget it.

My brain knows I should reply
,
but I can
'
t. I just can
'
t stop staring.

Lana leans toward her and says
,
"
I think he likes it.
"

Her words pull me out of my Kira-trance. Lana ducks under my arm
,
either joining my mom behind me or running all the way to China for all I know. The most important thing is she
'
s left me and Kira alone.
"
You
'
re incredible
,"
I finally say.

A dusting of red highlights her cheeks and travels
south
.
"
You
'
re not so bad yourself.
"