Freeing Carter (30 page)

"
You don
'
t drink
,
Carter Shaw.
"

It
'
s not a question
,
but I answer it. My chest feels like it
'
s cracked open
,
baring my pounding heart
,
but I answer. Honestly.

"
Nope.
"
I
'
m amazed at how good it feels to admit it
,
when really
,
I haven
'
t admitted to anything yet. But not lying? That
'
s the part that I revel in. I still can
'
t believe I said it
,
but I
'
m glad.
"
Do you ever wonder about them? Your parents?
"

This conversation should feel strange. I shouldn
'
t be asking her this
,
but somehow it
'
s okay. Right
,
even.

"
All. The. Time. I try not to
,
but I do.
"
Her eyes open and they find mine.
"
It
'
s pointless. I know that
,
but it
'
s hard not to wonder. Did I have a different name? Was I born in a hospital? When
'
s my birthday? I don
'
t even know my history. Was my mom black? Dad? Am I part Italian
,
too? White? I know nothing.
"
And then she slips away from me
,
kneeling in the middle of the hot tub
,
so the water goes up to her neck. Which
,
by the way
,
is pretty perfect too.
"
Where
'
s your dad?
"

I lean forward
,
but don
'
t leave the seat.
"
He died. Heart attack while playing basketball. He
'
s why I started playing.
"

We both pause for a second and I think about him. How different life would be if he never died.

"
I
'
m sorry.
"

"
Me
,
too
,"
is all I can say in return.

"
Oh! I have an idea. Let
'
s play Truth or Dare. You wanna play with me?
"

The hair at the nape of her neck is wet
,
curling a little. She
'
s giving me one of her smiles
,
water sloshing all around her. I couldn
'
t deny her anything right now.
"
Truth or Dare?
"
I ask.

"
Dare.
"

"
I dare you to sit by me.
"
The words weren
'
t planned
,
but I
'
m glad they were the first thing to pop out of my mouth.

Kira laughs and comes back to sit beside me.
"
You didn
'
t have to waste a turn on that. All you had to do was ask. I want to play a different way though. Every time we pick truth
,
the other person doesn
'
t get to ask a question. You just give a truth. Whatever you want the other person to know. That way
,
anything we give is our choice
,
and we only have to share what we really want
,
ya
know? You tell me what you want me to know
...
or what you
need
to say
,
and I
'
ll do the same. Deal?
"

What I need to say
...
There
'
s a lot I need to say: about Mom
,
Sara
,
even about Kira. How I want to know everything about her. How I want to kiss her again
,
but I
'
m also a little freaked out about where it could lead
,
even though I also really want to go there.
"
So you really do want the whole
baring
-of-the-soul thing? I thought you said guys aren
'
t good at that?
"

"
I only want to see what you want to show me. Otherwise
,
the pictures don
'
t matter
.
Not
if they
'
re on display by force instead of want.
"

I nod.
"
I
'
m good with that.
"
She makes everything make more sense. I
'
m not sure how she does it. It
'
s like she confuses me and is crystal clear at the same time. I feel like I know her better than anyone else
,
but I really don
'
t know her at all. Is it true what she said? That stuff about people with pasts or secrets? I
'
m not really sure I believe in that kindred spirit stuff
,
but I do know she makes me feel different than I do with anyone else.

"
Yay!
"
She claps
excitedly
.
"
Okay
,
you can ask me since your first one didn
'
t count.
"

I totally should tell her no
,
but I need to know what kind of things she
'
s going to tell me so I know what I should say to her.
"
Truth or dare?
"

"
Truth
.
Hmmm
,
let me think.
"
She sways a little
,
the water sloshing around her again.
"
You already know I draw
,
but I read
,
too. A lot. I like books that make me think. Books about people and who they are. Why they do things. Stuff like that.
"

I can see that.

"
What about you
,
Coach? Truth or dare?
"

"
Truth.
"
This is an easy one.
"
I
hate
to read.
"

"
Ugh. And I thought I liked you.
"

"
Hey! It
'
s not my fault. It just takes me forever to understand it. I have to read everything like five times before it sinks in. Pisses me off when I can
'
t do something
,
so I try not to do it.
"
Even though I should be embarrassed about what I just admitted
,
I
'
m not. Which is a mystery for me to dissect later.
"
Truth or dare?
"

"
Truth
,
of course.
"

At this point
,
I
'
m wondering if we
'
ll even need the dare. Did she just want to talk to me
,
but played it off like a game? I scoot a little closer to her.

"
Okay
.
The
first time I dyed my hair
,
I was fifteen. I
'
ve been addicted to it ever since.
"

We go on like that
,
back and forth
,
first with little things like hobbies and music
,
before moving up to irrational fears
,
first crushes and kisses. Neither of us pick dare
,
but we always ask. I
'
m about as close as I can get to her now
,
but it
'
s not close enough. I can
'
t stop looking at her hair with the stupid pen in it
,
or her cheekbones
,
or trying to smell her over the chlorine in the water.

Finally
,
when I can
'
t hold myself back anymore I let my hand move to the back of her neck. My thumb brushes those little wet hairs and her skin is so hot against my hand
,
but it
'
s still not enough of her heat for me.
"
Truth or dare?
"
I ask her again.

"
Truth.
"
But that
'
s all she says. All the time in the world could have passed or none at all. All I focus on is her breathing and how it speeds up. Her eyes and how they drift closed. When I feel like I could burst out of my skin
,
she finally speaks.
"
Sometimes I wonder
...
if it
'
s somehow my fault that they left me.
"
Now she
'
s looking
at
me
,
her big eyes staring right into mine
,
brave and unflinching.
"
I know it
'
s stupid
,
right? I mean
,
I was a baby
,
but I wonder. Maybe I never stopped crying. Or they never wanted me. Or knew I would grow up to be to be something they hated.
"

It
'
s no longer a game. The second she started this truth
,
I knew that. We really are baring our souls and if there
'
s anyone I want to show what
'
s inside me
,
it
'
s her.

"
Truth or dare?
"
she whispers.

"
Truth.
"
I concentrate on my hand massaging her neck. The difference in my white skin to hers. Anything except for what I
'
m about to say. Anything besides the sudden urge I have to go Incredible Hulk again.
"
My mom
'
s an alcoholic. No one knows except for me and Sara
'
s dad. Actually
,
that
'
s a lie.
I
'
m
a liar because I let him think she quit.
"

Kira
'
s mouth turns down. Her eyes look at me in a way no one ever has before. It
'
s not pity
,
but it
'
s sorrow. Like somehow my admission hurts her as much as it does me.

This time
,
I don
'
t ask and she doesn
'
t offer truth
,
she just gives one.
"
I don
'
t know who I am
or
who I want to be. How can I when I don
'
t even know where I came from? If the people who were supposed to love me gave me away?
"
Her voice is so soft that even though she
'
s inches away from me
,
I have to struggle to make out her words.

It all makes sense now. Her style changes
,
hair changes. Being the straight
'
A
'
student who likes breaking and entering. Or how she
'
s not a cheer girl or a sports girl
,
but she lit up playing ball with me. No matter what I
'
ve been through
,
I
'
ve always known who I am. I
'
m Tommy and Delilah
'
s son. I
'
m the basketball player. Sara
'
s big brother. The keeper of Mom
'
s secret. The liar. But Kira? She doesn
'
t know. Suddenly
,
I need to give her something too. Like she showed me her pain and I need to show her mine. Even the field between us again.