Falcon Song: A love story (7 page)

She stubbornly wiped at the tears as she drove. “And what about the way he was dancing. Maybe I don’t know him. Maybe I’m completely mixed up.” She thought of the woman who had shared her food and her breath caught. “And how do I deal with… with… with everything, Father? Watching that hurt. It really did. If it’s this bad now, how would I feel if that was my husband doing that? Not just my boyfriend. Am I being too picky? Is this as big a deal as it feels like it is? Oh, Father, please help me to know what to think and how to feel. I’m trying to listen. I know I probably don’t even deserve you to answer me. But I really need you. Please help me organize my thoughts and know what Thou has in mind for me.” She drove for a few moments and then pleaded, “Please. I’ll do what I think You want me to. Just please help me figure out what that is. I know Thou knowest everything. Open my mind and give me guidance to know what to do. I want to do Thy will. I just don’t know what that is right now.”

She closed her prayer and continued to drive, still not even sure what direction she’d driven. It didn’t matter anyway. She couldn’t go back to work. What would she tell them? And she couldn’t face her mom just now. Her mother would wonder why she had been crying and it hurt too much to even think about, let alone admit out loud. And she couldn’t go back to Cody’s. She had no idea how to act around Jason right now. She wasn’t even sure what the heck their relationship was anymore. And she didn’t belong there.

She wasn’t the kind of girl who went to crowded, loud parties where everyone was drinking and hustling each other like that. She hadn’t even gotten in the door when she could feel the Spirit cautioning her. She recognized that now. She should have listened. If she hadn’t gone in there, she would still be as happy as she’d been when she’d left work, thinking she was off to see the gorgeous, talented love of her life.

Of course that was foolish and naïve. As much as she kept trying to make excuses, she had to face facts. They were on different pages here. He may have been the love of her life, but tonight he hadn’t been acting like Kate was the love of his. Good men who had decent values didn’t behave the way he had on that stage when they were committed to someone. They just didn’t. Here in the quiet privacy of her car she could face that matter-of-factly. How she saw their relationship and how he did were definitely not in sync. It was awful to face, but it was what it was. Still, she almost wished that she was still naively unknowing. Happy and hopeful didn’t hurt as much as this harsh reality.

The anxious knot that now threatened to stick in her stomach on a permanent basis left no doubt that things were very much amiss in her world. This hadn’t been her imagination lately.

Her gas light came on and she absent mindedly changed lanes and took the exit to fill up. Somewhere in the back of her brain, it registered that she was just about to the Texas state line. She glanced at the time as she put the nozzle in. It was after eleven. She’d better head on home. If she got home too late, her mother would worry that she was out being a fool like she’d been the last time she was late.

She was trying to be stoic and analytical, and really look at this mess objectively, but in light of it all, the thought of how intimate they’d been that night made her heart want to shrivel up and die. She was so stupid. Stupid, and foolish, and the worlds biggest small town sucker. Here she’d been worried about getting married and having kids and then becoming a statistic. What she should have been worrying about was becoming something on an even lower level than that. A lot lower level. The proverbial cow that had been milked without ever being purchased.

On auto pilot again, she got back in the car and headed back toward Wye. She still had no answers, but life had to go on. She needed some sleep before going in to work tomorrow.

Chapter 5

Jason looked around the crowded room and then next to him to the even more crowded couch and decided he just wanted to go home. He was friendly by nature, and he didn’t want to be rude, but he’d tried to back this same skinny blonde off like seven times now, and she had her hand on his thigh again. He looked around, wondering where his music folder had gotten to. That was the reason they’d come here tonight. At least supposedly.

They’d been going to play. But then they’d decided to watch the video of Friday’s concert and go over it critically. Something hadn’t been right there and they wanted to fix it. No one was even really sure what the problem was, but several of them had come away from the venue that night feeling less than satisfied.

He glanced around the room again. How that idea had snowballed into this rodeo he had no idea. Cody came up beside him, gave him a pointed look and whispered in his ear, “Man, if Kate sees that girl all over you she’s gonna be one hot little number. You’d better watch yourself.”

Jason turned to stare at him. “Kate? Kate had to work. What are you talking about?”

Cody shook his head and leaned in close. “Kate’s here, Jason. At least she was about twenty-five minutes ago. Hasn’t she talked to you?”

Jason shook his head, wondering what was up and Cody shrugged his shoulders and moved on into the noise. Jason began to look for Kate, but she was nowhere in the apartment. He even checked the restroom. He finally sighted his music leaning against Cody’s microwave and fought his way to it and then pushed his way to the door.

He hadn’t seen Kate and he couldn’t imagine her being here. She hated parties like this, thank goodness. But Cody wouldn’t have been mistaken. Where did she go and why hadn’t she talked to him if she was here? He didn’t know the answers to those questions, but just asking them made him worried. They were already on such thin ice lately. That’s all he’d need would be for Kate to get the wrong impression about some loud party girl. Now he wished he’d left hours ago.

Once outside, he tried Kate’s phone but it went straight to voice mail. Next he tried the restaurant, but they said she’d left more than an hour ago.

When her mom didn’t know where she’d gone either, he felt the hair on the back of his neck tense. Kate had been here. Cody had seen her. But she’d left without talking to Jason and was missing in action and wouldn’t answer her phone. He put his phone in his pocket with a groan, went to his car and drove around Cody’s apartment complex looking for her car, and wondering what he’d been doing while she was there. In thinking about it, he couldn’t think of anything he’d done that would make Kate upset, but then that’s the one thing Cody had said. If Kate sees that girl all over you she’ll be mad. To say he hadn’t done anything and that in all honesty he hadn’t even wanted to be there wasn’t going to cut it. He had been there and there had been a lot of very willing females literally everywhere.

The fact that it had been the girls after him and not him after the girls wouldn’t necessarily compute with Kate. And she wouldn’t get mad. She knew what this life was like now that they had begun to get a big name. She wouldn’t get mad. But she’d be hurt. She’d be hurt and get quiet and go off where she wouldn’t bother anyone to try to deal with her feelings.

And she was a rock. She’d come back and go to work and do whatever had to be done like nothing in the world was wrong. But a little more of her tenuous trust would have been killed in the process. He blew his breath out with a rush. He didn’t have any trust to spare just now. Not after what they’d been through the last couple of weeks. He tried to think about where she would have gone.

Cussing under his breath as he headed for her house, he wondered what she had been doing at Cody’s. He’d thought she would be at work until late. She always was.

A couple of months ago if he was trying to figure out where she would be, he probably could have found her either at their favorite spot near the lake or on the bluff above the river. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know she wouldn’t go near either one of those places now. Not after the colossal fiasco of the last night near the river. It had neatly ruined some of their favorite memories. He ran another frustrated hand through his hair.
Kate, baby, where are you?

                                          ***

When Kate finally pulled into her parents’ driveway at a quarter to two, she was surprised to find Jason sleeping on the porch swing in the dark.

When Kate had called her mom to tell her she’d be late, her mother had mentioned that he’d called earlier. And he’d tried to call her phone, but by the time she turned it back on to call home it had been too late to return his call. Not that she would have anyway.

In all honesty, she had no answers right now. She had no idea what their relationship was at this point. When he’d flown out, she could have sworn that he adored her. Even earlier this afternoon she would have argued that. But after tonight… What was in his head was just about anybody’s guess. For that matter, just about anybody would have a better handle on where she stood and what she needed to do as well. She sighed. Who knew? She looked down at him, sleeping there sprawled on the swing. He was really, really gorgeous.

The one thing she did know was that she loved him. Heart and soul. Whether that was wise or whether he loved only her back, either of those points could be debated, but she loved him. Foolish or not, it was a fact. And the years they’d had together had forged an unbelievably strong friendship. Looking down at him, she knew that come what may, even come who may, Jason would always be her dearest friend and she would always be his. Nothing on this earth could change that. It had been forged in the steel of a lifetime and tempered in Kennen’s death and they would always have that.

She had to admit that that didn’t necessarily mean that they’d live happily ever after. Or even that they’d end up together. She would be his friend, but she had to have her self respect as well. She couldn’t be a toy. A toy or an unpurchased cow. She couldn’t. But even if they didn’t end up together, they would still be friends.

Even as she told herself that, she knew that if indeed they didn’t end up together; her world would come apart at the seams. She knew it would, and she was trying to see her way through to a happy ending, but she was so mixed up. Mixed up and just now bone tired.

Sighing, she sat down next to him on the edge of the swing. Going past him to go in and go to bed without talking to him was beyond her. She owed him better than that, even if she didn’t have any idea what to say to him. He was too good a man to play head games with.

She put a hand gently on his cheek and then began to run her fingers through his hair and it wasn’t but just a few seconds until he opened his sleepy, emerald green eyes. As soon as he did, his face lit up in a tired smile that did her heart good. There could have been no faking it. He was glad to see her.

He reached up to take her hand, where it had stilled in his hair. “Hey, Kate. I’ve been looking for you. Cody said you were at his house, but I couldn’t find you. Where have y’all been?” He blinked and tried to see his watch in the porch light.

She didn’t say anything, and he blinked again and looked up at her in surprise. “Kate! It’s almost two in the morning! What are you doing out so late?”

She shrugged and looked away, not sure what to tell him. She couldn’t admit seeing him at Cody’s and feeling so hurt and confused. It was too revealing. Made her feel too vulnerable. She settled for, “I decided to go for a drive and talk to an old friend of mine. What are you doing sleeping on Mom’s porch swing?”

He sat up and rubbed his eyes and then looked at her in confusion. “Wait. Start again. You’ve been where?”

Smiling sadly, she admitted, “To Texas. To talk to God. What are you doing here?”

Still confused, he looked at her warily. “Why did you come to Cody’s but not come talk to me.”

She shrugged again and sat back so she didn’t have to face him. “Aah, it was too loud at Cody’s and didn’t smell so good, so I left. I’m not really one for that kind of party. You know that.” She put a foot down and moved the swing, knowing he was still staring at her.

“Didn’t smell so good. I see. So you left without speaking to me. No. I don’t see. Kate, it’s me, Jason. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on, Jase. I got off work and went to find you, but you looked like you were already busy and I hate those kind of things. You know that. So I took a drive to clear my head.”

He turned to study her. “You’re hedging. You can’t fool me, Kate.” She didn’t reply to that and he finally asked, “Did it work?”

It was a strange question and she looked up in confusion and asked, “Did what work?”

“Did it work? Is your head clear?”

She rolled her eyes and said lightly, “Oh, yeah. I’m all clear. Clear as the blue sky. And you?”

He leaned back and pushed a hand through his tousled hair. “I’m worried as hell.”

“Hmm.” Her tone of voice was light again. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Yeah, Kate. Y’all can tell me what you’ve done with my best friend and help me figure out why you get more and more distant from me by the day. What’s going on, Kate? What’s with keeping things from me? That’s not us. That’s not like you. Clue me in here.” He sounded incredibly bitter and discouraged and her heart went out to him.

“I’d tell you if I knew what was going on, Jason. I feel the same way. Sometimes lately I don’t even know you.”

He turned to look into her face. “What’s not to know, Kate? It’s just me. The same old Jason as the day you were born. How can you not know me? You know me better than I know myself.”

She pushed the swing again and said quietly, “I used to think that.” She hesitated, wondering how much she dared say and finally decided to just deal with it. She had nothing to lose. Or everything. She went on in a sad tone of voice, “Honestly, I didn’t know who that man dancing on that screen was tonight, Jason. I didn’t know who that man was with those people at Cody’s house.”

Turning to her, he almost demanded, “What did I do that was so bad? So unJason?”

Glancing at him, she decided that maybe she wouldn’t just deal with it. She stood up. “You know, Jason. I’m tired. It’s been a long day. I’m not going to sit here and argue. That’s not us. I never accused you of doing something bad. I’m not your judge. I’m just Kate. All I said was that I didn’t know you. Do you think we could finish this discussion tomorrow?”

He stood up as well and reached out and rubbed a thumb across her cheek and said gently, “I’m sorry, Kate. I’m sorry I snapped. I just hate knowing I’ve disappointed you.”

“I never said you disappointed me. I just said I didn’t know you.”

“You didn’t have to say it, Kate. Y’all may not know me, but I know you to the bone. At least sometimes I do. You were disappointed. I’ll go home and watch the concert and see if I can figure out what was so bad. Although I think I already know what the problem was. And I’m sorry I did something to hurt you at Cody’s. At his house I don’t have any idea what the problem was, but hurting you wasn’t intentional, I promise.”

“I know Jason. I don’t believe you would ever hurt me on purpose. Me or anyone. You are a kind, good man. Maybe it wasn’t you.” She shrugged one shoulder. “Maybe it was just the smell. Let’s don’t worry about it tonight, huh?”

He grimaced in confusion. “What about the smell? What’s up with you about the smell? I’ve never noticed Cody’s house smells.”

“You’re missing the point, Jason. I’m just trying to not offend you. Look. What you do at Cody’s, or in a concert, or anywhere is your deal, Jason. It’s not my place to judge or even comment. I’m sorry I said anything. I shouldn’t have. Please forgive me and let’s move on. We’re both tired.”

Shaking his head, he reached and touched her cheek and said quietly, “What you’re not addressing Kate, is that of all the people in the world, the only one who I truly want to like my work is you.”

She came close and looked up at him. “Then you don’t have to worry, Jase. Because I certainly love your work. You’re the most gifted man I’ve ever known. You’re inspiring and evocative and sexy and you’re a master at taking your audience anywhere you want to go. You’re a magician on that stage. You melt me. You always have and always will.”

He searched her gaze and whispered, “Then, baby, what was the problem?”

Kate hesitated at that and finally returned his intense look with a soft spoken, “Well, Jason, maybe you just need to be really careful about who you’re taking where. One of your gifts is phenomenal sensuality. It’s incredibly powerful. But it’s also like a scalpel. Life giving in the right time and place, and lethal other wise.”

For several long moments he just looked down at her as he considered what she’d said. Finally, his face broke into a grin and he shook his head. “You always say that I’m eloquent. And I may be at times. But nobody in the world can hold a candle to your way with words, Kate.” He pulled her tightly into a hug with a low chuckle. “Tonight might just be the highpoint in my entire adult life.” He chuckled again. “You just told me my phenomenal sensuality can be lethal. I couldn’t top those lyrics in a million years!”

“You knew what I meant, Jason.”

“I don’t know, Kate. I think I did. I hope I did. I’m coming to get you in the morning. I need to be with you and I’m not taking no for an answer. We have to get a handle on us. We have to. This weird tension lately is killing me. Whatever it takes, I’m going to find it and fix it, because you matter too much to me, Kate. If I have to quit singing completely to take that shadow out of your eyes, then I will. You matter ten million times more to me than a stupid band. Let alone some loud, smelly party.” He grinned again. “What time should I come? Eight? Nine? How ‘bout nine?”