Falcon Song: A love story (4 page)

As he went to reach for the car door handle, he paused and wondered if he dared pray and ask for help in this situation after what he had done to cause it. Deciding at length that this was definitely one of those mistakes God had hoped His children wouldn’t make, Jason held to his faith that his Father in Heaven loved him no matter how much he messed up and he humbly bowed his head anyway. Kate was too important not to ask for divine help with if there was any possibility he could get it.

When he walked past the hostess’s stand and through the dining room, both waiters he met looked at him hesitantly and it made him wonder how bad of shape Kate was in. He hoped she wasn’t horribly hung over on top of being completely disappointed in her boyfriend.

Kate looked up as he approached her office and she stood and walked right out the back door of the office and out into the parking lot behind the building, pulling the sunglasses that sat on top of her head down as she stepped off the small porch. She set off up the sidewalk at a brisk walk that held a definite limp and Jason had to practically run to catch up with her. In her business slacks and heels, she looked like a million bucks, but her sunglasses effectively covered every vestige of what she was really feeling.

Falling into step with her, he walked along beside her for a couple of minutes before she finally stopped and turned to him. Or turned on him, which was the impression he got from her posture. She didn’t say anything, just looked at him and he looked back at her in return and at length reached over and gently pulled off her sunglasses. He had to see her eyes to know what she was thinking.

What he saw made him want to wince. As beautiful as she was, her eyes looked like hell. She looked positively ill, as well as appearing to have spent a great deal of the last ten hours crying her heart out. The headache must have been a corker. Her forehead creased and she was nearly squinting from the glare. And she’d been limping. Geez, what had he done to her?

Unsure of what to do, he just stood there until he finally stepped forward and tried to all but swallow her in a close hug. He pulled her tight against his chest and she hid her face and began to cry like her world had unraveled in one, horribly misdirected evening. Oh, how he wished he could take it all back.

She clung to him and sobbed until his shirt was plastered to his chest and a tear overflowed his own eyes and slid down his face. He wiped at it before it dripped into her hair and put his mouth down close to her ear to whisper, “Oh, Kate. Baby, I’m so sorry.” He stroked her back and ran his fingers into her hair and pulled her even closer. “So sorry.”

When the tears didn’t appear to be slowing at all, he slid a hand under the short, fairy curls at the back of her neck and gently squeezed the muscles that were so tense she felt like she was going to break and spoke to her again softly, “Kate, do you think you can ever forgive me? What are you thinking? Please say you’re not going to leave me. I know I messed up abysmally. I know I did. But please don’t give up on us. Please.”

After several more minutes, she finally, finally appeared to be winding down and he pulled back to look at her. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head and swallowed, unable to speak as more tears dampened her face and he pulled her close again to whisper, “We’ll get through this, Kate. We will. I know I can’t ask you to trust me, but I promise we’ll get through it and end up okay.”

Her teary, bloodshot eyes looked up into his for several long moments, and while he searched them almost desperately, for the first time in nearly his whole life, he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. He tried again to reassure her. “We will, babe. What we have is strong enough to handle even this.”

He pulled her back close and almost rocked her for a second and then took her hand and began to lead her away from her restaurant as he asked, “Do they need you desperately in there right now? Or can I have you for a few minutes?”

She put her sunglasses back on and begrudgingly said, “I have a few minutes, but only a few. There is a ton of stuff to do before the dinner rush.”

They walked for another couple of minutes before he stopped and tugged her to a nearby bench where he kept her hand in his. Hesitantly, he asked, “Why are you limping?”

She sighed and quietly answered him without looking up, “I twisted my ankle walking last night.”

After a pause, he asked, “I didn’t do it?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Is it okay?”

Still without looking up, she said tiredly, “My ankle’s fine.”

He played with her hand, stroking the back of it with his other hand while he thought about what she was implying. Finally, he softly asked, “How is your heart?”

She started to cry again and then when she could, she said haltingly, “Wiser. Wiser than it was yesterday.” She stood up. “And sad. Incredibly sad. I need to get back.” She dropped his hand and began walking away.

Getting up from the bench, he caught up with her and tried to take her hand once more, but she pulled it away. Frustrated, he said, “Don’t Kate. That only makes it worse. We can make it through this.”

At that, she stopped and turned on him again and the tears were momentarily gone as she ground out, “Of course we made it through it, Jason. Were here, aren’t we? We made it through it. We just did a lot of damage in the process.”

“We can fix the damage, Kate.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. Really.”

“Tell me something Jason. What did we do last night? Did I lose my virginity under that meteor shower?”

He stood there looking at her across the sidewalk and finally reached to take her sunglasses off again. He searched her eyes for several seconds and then asked in confusion, “You don’t remember?”

She looked away and shook her head and whispered, “Did I?”

He turned and pulled her with him to begin walking again and at length softly admitted, “Yes. We both did.” She started to sob again, and he had to slow down as she stumbled.

Almost back to the rear door of her restaurant, they continued walking in silence. When they made it to the porch, she pulled her hand away and turned to him and said with infinite sadness, “Then you tell me how we can fix the damage.” With that, she spun and headed back inside the restaurant.

He stood there for several minutes and then finally turned and walked slowly around the building back to his car, his chest caving not only with sadness, but worry as well. It was a bad situation made exponentially worse by pulling away from each other. No, they could never undo what they’d done, but he wished they could at least get through it together. Kate had seemed more alone just now than he could stand and he got into his car and leaned his head back against the head rest feeling utterly defeated. Last night had been heaven, but it certainly hadn’t been worth it. He wished he would have realized that in the heat of the moment. The champagne had been a terrible idea.

He was back at the restaurant that night at ten o’clock, waiting in his car in the parking lot out back. She never knew exactly when she’d get off at night. When he saw her coming out the door, he got out and met her as she headed to her car. She paused when she saw him, looking at him without saying anything. Tonight she wasn’t wearing her sunglasses and even in the dark, he could see that the only thing that had changed was that now she looked completely exhausted on top of feeling lousy and being heartbroken.

Hesitantly, he asked, “Can I drive you home? I’ll take you to church in the morning and we’ll pick up your car on the way home after.”

She shook her head and looked down. “I can’t go to church tomorrow. There’s no way. I’ll just drive home now.”

Turning toward her car, he fell into step beside her. “I knew you’d say that. But Kate, you’re wrong. You may not feel like you can go to church tomorrow, but that’s exactly what Satan wants and exactly opposite of what the Savior went through the atonement for.”

At the driver’s side door of her car, she turned to look up at him and he went on, “We fell off the wagon in a huge way last night, Kate. We did. I’m not saying we didn’t. But we can’t forget everything we’ve ever learned or completely lose ourselves because of it. Yeah, we made a huge mistake, but we need to deal with it. Just like we deal with all of the other mistakes we make in this life. We need to face that we blew it and then do what we can to fix it. Of course we can’t repair all the damage.”

He put a gentle hand to her cheek and said tenderly, “And I’m so sorry for that. So sorry.” He paused and then continued, “But we can repent and forsake that sin and do our best to get back on the wagon. The worst thing we could do is turn our backs on the Savior and try to go it without Him when we need Him and our Father in Heaven the very most. Yeah, it’s going to be awful to face those people at church tomorrow. I know that. But that’s what we need to do. Get back on the wagon as fast as possible. Not going will set Christ’s sacrifice for us as useless. Don’t you see?”

She looked up at him with big, sad eyes, and then finally dropped her head and nodded. She started to cry again as she whispered, “I can’t even pray. I know God already knows what happened, but I can’t bring myself to face him. And I feel like turning away from you and it feels incredibly lonely.”

Looking up, he sighed and then stepped close to her and pulled her to him in a sweet, tight hug. “Oh, Kate.” He rubbed a hand over her back and pulled her even closer. “Don’t ever turn away from me, Kate. The whole earth would fall off its axis if you did. Just waiting for you to get off work tonight makes me feel like I’ve been deprived of oxygen.” He kissed her hair and rubbed his cheek against it.

He went on, “I made two huge mistakes last night. The champagne was a terrible idea and I should have gotten up and gone home when we first started kissing when we were laying there. It’s all my fault and I know it. But please don’t turn away from me. I’m in this for eternity, Kate. I can’t give you back your virginity. And I’m so sorry. But last night doesn’t make me love you any less. Just the opposite is true.

He nodded. “You’re more my soul mate than ever. Let’s get through this together, babe. Let’s get back on the wagon, together and do our very, utmost best to move past this and get back on track spiritually and as a couple. Otherwise, we’ve switched teams and are doing just what the adversary hopes we’ll do.”

He stood there and held her as she cried and finally, she sniffed and said, “It wasn’t all your fault, Jason. It was every bit as much mine. I knew better. I knew better than to believe it was just fruit juice. And I knew better than to lay beside you, alone in the dark when I was so tired and get carried away. I knew better. I don’t know why I ever gave in. It’s my fault too. I knew better.” She finally looked up at him with tear filled eyes. “It’s just that I trusted you, Jason. You’ve never led me wrong before. Ever. Not in my whole life. I guess I’ve learned to trust you too much. I’m sorry.”

He groaned and closed his eyes, abjectly ashamed to have her say such a damning truth out loud. He had led her wrong. And she was the one apologizing.

She could try to cushion it, but it was his fault. He knew it in his heart. He pulled her close again and held her to him. How could he ever make this up to her? He couldn’t in a million years, but he could die trying. He would die trying. He’d spend the next few eternities trying.

They clung to each other for who knows how long and then he finally said, “You’re tired, babe. Let me take you home and we’ll come get your car on the way home from church tomorrow.” He pulled back and looked at her. “Please.” He studied her sad, tired face. “Please say yes. Don’t pull away from me. Or Jesus, either one. I let you down, but I’m going to do my best never to let you down again. And Jesus will never let you down. Neither will God. You know that, Kate. Don’t turn away. In actuality, we need to turn to them right now more than ever.”

She pushed her face tight into his chest and he rested his chin on top of her head. She sounded infinitely sad as she said, “I’ll bet Kennen is so disappointed in us.” He closed his eyes again and winced. Man, she knew how to kick a guy when he was down. He didn’t even want to think about what Kennen would say to all of this.

Taking her hand, he turned and led her back to his car and helped her in. On the short drive to her house, she was completely quiet and once there, he led her to her door somberly. On the porch, she stopped him before they got into the pool of light. When she looked up at him, for the first time, he felt hope again as he saw that some measure of peace had replaced her utter anguish.

She stood there in silence for several long moments and then finally she said, “Thank you for tonight, Jason. Thank you for pep talking me out of crawling into a hole tomorrow and making things so much worse. You’re always so wise when you counsel me like that and I absolutely appreciate it. I need it so much.” She hesitated and then went on, “I need you so much. I do love you, Jason. More than anything in this life, I love you. Please forgive me for what happened. I didn’t mean to do that. I promise.”

She reached up and kissed him ever so gently for a long, long moment. When she finally pulled her mouth away, he held her so tightly he worried about crushing her in his arms, but she held him just as tightly. They seemed to draw strength from each other and it was strength he needed desperately. He could hardly breathe when they were at odds with each other.

He reached and tenderly brushed a thumb along the hollow under her ear. “Kate, can I ask you something?” She looked up and waited and he swallowed hard and continued, “Kate, in light of what happened last night. Do you think you would want to talk about getting married sometime? I don’t mean to pressure you, but getting married feels like the honorable thing to do. Do we have to keep waiting?”